Part 16
Pacey drew in a sharp breath as the cold air surrounded him. He’d taken his chance to slip outside just as the argument about E.T. started to turn really ugly. The six friends had sat cross legged on the floor. They had eaten in absolute silence save the rustle of napkins and a very cross Alexander, being dragged to visit Bodie’s distant cousin for the weekend. He had whined loudly as Bessie had carried him over her shoulder, away from his favorite aunt and his favorite playmate. “Paaaay- si,” the baby had cried as the door swung closed after him and his mom. The teenagers had laughed nervously and fallen back into the deafening quiet. Pacey had been sitting between Joey and Dawson. Joey sat next to Kaylie and had thrown a glare Dawson’s way when he’d attempted to sit on Kaylie’s other side. Noticing the potential for violence, Pacey had abruptly sat between Dawson and Joey.
The silence continued until the food ran out. Dawson was stupid enough to open his mouth first. “So...do we want to watch a movie?”
“Sounds great,” Jack enthused quickly. He just wanted another excuse to keep the obviously ticking bomb from going off. Jen had nodded her assent as well. Kaylie simply stared at her empty plate, avoiding the frequent taps against her foot. Joey had been tapping her foot impatiently for the entire meal. At one point Joey had gone so far as to draw a question mark on her plate in ketchup, shoving it under Kaylie’s nose persistently.
“A movie?” Joey had questioned, disdain dripping from her measured tone.
Pacey had simply stood aside and let the train wreck happen.
“Yeah, Jo.” Pacey winced at Dawson’s shortening of her name. Joey’s eyes simply narrowed on her former best friend.
“What do you want to watch, Dawson? E.T?” She let out a derisive laugh.
“We could watch E.T., if you want,” Dawson had whispered, his eyes widening under her angry gaze.
“I don’t think so.” Joey smiled cruelly, “I don’t think I ever need to see that movie again. It’s played out. Besides, it’s really such a kid’s film. Maybe we could watch Gandhi instead.” Pacey had run his hand along the small of her back, attempting to calm her. She’d thrown a warm, heartfelt smile his way, and then proceeded to critique the film. Dawson had barely responded, so taken aback by the assault. Kaylie played with her napkin, shredding it into small squares, folding it into origami sailboats. Jack and Jen had moved into the kitchen under the pretense of clearing the table. Pacey noticed with a bit of amusement that there had been nothing in their hands.
Now Pacey was outside. Still hearing Joey. “Dawson, it’s a ridiculous movie. A little alien who just happens to like reese’s pieces? Just happens to be able to rig a Speak and Spell to ‘phone home.’ Please. It’s just contrivance rearing it’s ugly little head-”
“It’s a sweet movie, Joey. Why are you so mad at me?” Dawson sounded like he was going to cry. Pacey leaned against the side of the house. Kaylie stepped out onto the porch, slowly shutting the door behind her.
“Mad at you? Not me, Dawson. Let’s go watch the movie, by all means.”
Pacey turned and smiled softly at Kaylie. She returned a hesitant, apologetic smile. Pacey tipped his head in the direction of the dock, holding out a hand to her. Kaylie looked down and felt deja vù rush over her in a wave. She placed her hand in his, curling her fingers gently around his palm.
Once on the dock she let go of his hand and faced the creek, scuffing a shoe along the weathered wooden boards. She listened to Pacey’s breathing, soft and steady. Kaylie stared into the darkness and tried to catch hold of her uncertain heart. “Pacey?”
“Yeah?” He turned to her, his blue eyes gentle and caring. Kaylie didn’t answer, just gazed up at him, still under his trance. He smiled and placed a hand on her upper arm. He gave her bicep a small squeeze and returned his gaze to a point on the water. She tossed a sideways glance his way and took in a breath. Pacey waited for her to speak.
“If I told you something, would you believe me?” Pacey nodded and rubbed her arm lightly. “I-I like Dawson.” Pacey’s laughter echoed along the water, filtering out in the star drenched sky. “And I...I like Capeside. It’s so quiet and peaceful.”
“That it is,” he agreed. Just then a scream of Potter outrage could be heard from the B&B. Pacey and Kaylie chuckled once. Pacey leaned against the dock railing and watched Kaylie’s reflection in the water below him. Kaylie rubbed her arm, missing Pacey’s warmth.
“I think Joey is the best friend I’ve ever had. And you. I like you.” Kaylie frowned. Her words seemed inadequate. She couldn’t chicken out. She just couldn’t. “Pacey, I want to be your friend. I do.”
“You are,” Pacey replied, turning to her. He stared down at her, concern evident in his deep blue eyes. “Joey and I love you.” He smiled and reached down to brush a stray hair off Kaylie’s face.
Kaylie felt her skin tingle and closed her eyes momentarily. She opened them and saw Pacey still staring down at her, his expression genuine and warm. “God, forgive me for this,” Kaylie whispered skyward. Pacey’s eyes widened and as he opened his mouth to speak, Kaylie caught his words with her lips. The kiss lasted a moment, Kaylie pulling back so fast, it almost seemed a dream. Kaylie stared down at her feet, her face dusted rose. Pacey tasted like vanilla. And the sea. He hadn’t returned the kiss. Kaylie hadn’t expected him to.
Pacey turned from her, staring back out at the water. He gripped the rail tightly, his knuckles paling. “Kaylie, why-”
“I’m sorry, Pace. I wanted to know-I’m sorry.” Kaylie placed a hand on his shoulder and removed it when he tensed. Now or never, she thought. “Pacey, my mom, she’s my stepmom. My dad remarried after my real mom left us.”
“Oh.” Pacey was barely listening. He was wondering how to explain this to Joey. He didn’t feel anything and he didn’t respond to the kiss, but he and Joey were operating on a full disclosure policy now. How could he tell her Kaylie had...he didn’t want to mess up the girls’ friendship. He didn’t want another triangle, no matter how one-sided it was.
Kaylie stared at his back blearily. Might as well tell him now. It was no difference now. “My real mom...she used to live in Capeside. She taught here. Actually, she’s back for a little while and...she’s...you knew her, Pacey. I should’ve said, but I thought...I wanted to know why you-I wanted to know, she’s-” Kaylie was choking on her tongue, her chest heaving erratically. And the air around her was suffocating.
Pacey turned to her, and despite his own muddled thoughts, reached out both hands to her. She remained in her place, tears streaming down her cheeks. Pacey took a step and pulled her into his strong arms, wrapping her in a firm embrace. “Just tell me, Kaylie.”
“I’m Ms. Jacob’s daughter,” Kaylie whispered into his chest. She felt Pacey’s body stiffen against her. “I’m sorry.” His arms fell loosely to his sides. Kaylie turned to look out at the creek. She stared at the horizon line, watched a few seagulls chase after a breaking wave. She felt Pacey’s eyes on her.
Pacey looked over Kaylie. She couldn’t be. She wasn’t tall. Tamara was tall. She wasn’t blonde. Tamara was blonde. Her lips were turned in a contemplative pout. She had delicate features, high cheekbones. She had large eyes. Pacey tried to attribute features between Mr. Roberts and Tamara. Kaylie’s hair and eye color...Mr. Roberts. Kaylie’s pale skin...Tamara. Kaylie’s small frame...Mr. Roberts. Kaylie’s lips...Tamara. Kaylie’s steely gaze, her anger...Mr. Roberts. Pacey flexed his bruised hand. Kaylie’s sensitivity; the tears that fell as she cast her head down in shame...Tamara. How could he have missed it? Pacey felt his world shake. “She never told me she had a daughter.”
Kaylie winced. “No, she wouldn’t.” Another nail in her coffin. Her mother didn’t acknowledge her existence. Fine.
“I didn’t mean it that way,” Pacey said apologetically. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Kaylie right now, but he didn’t want to hurt her.
“I didn’t take it that way,” Kaylie lied. Her mother loved Pacey. He was all she could talk about. Her mother pretended she didn’t exist. Fine.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Kaylie turned to look at him. Pacey looked confused. Not angry, just betrayed. And there was no way she could fix that. “I didn’t plan on us being friends,” she said slowly. “All I knew about Pacey Witter was that he’d slept with...I figured you wouldn’t be someone I’d want to know. It was just another whispered scandal. ‘Did you hear about Tammie Jacobs? She left her job. She’s somewhere in Massachusetts. She was with a boy. Poor Sam. And the daughter. She’s a mess too.’ You’d think being on the other side of the country it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t get back to us.” She laughed bitterly. “You’d think.”
“You sat next to me that first day in class,” Pacey stated, realization dawning. His eyes turned cold. “You sat at our table during lunch.”
“I did,” Kaylie admitted hesitantly.
“Was that a mistake? Or did you know who I was?” Kaylie dropped her eyes in answer to his question. “Why didn’t you tell me who you were?” Kaylie threw her hands up in frustration. She took a step away from Pacey’s interrogation. He advanced on her, backing her into the rail. He placed one hand on either side of her, effectively trapping her in place. “Why didn’t you say anything? Kaylie?” He spit her name out like a piece of discarded gum.
“I just didn’t.” Kaylie stared ahead dumbly. Somewhere, she heard a breath being taken in the distance. It didn’t belong to her or Pacey. She laughed inwardly, probably Mom, brushing up on her stalking skills. Kaylie was readily sinking into oblivion
.
“You just didn’t.” Pacey seemed to accept this with a curt nod of his head. “Right.”
Kaylie tilted her head to the side quizzically. “Someone’s here?” She whispered the question into her last breath of energy. She didn’t bother to look past Pacey, simply leaned back against the rough wooden rail and waited.
Pacey turned quickly and let out a nervous cough as he faced the intrusion. “Jo.”
Joey threw her patented half smile his way and arched an eyebrow Kaylie’s direction quizzically. “Anything happen while I was inside?” The question was met with silence.
Kaylie straightened and took her first step towards the road. She continued walking, past Pacey’s angry glare, past Joey’s softly curious frown, past the B&B’s white picket fence. She kept moving, mindful only of the steps it would take to leave. In the back of her mind it registered that Dawson was still inside.
But she continued to move forward, feeling better with every determined step. She was starting to feel like herself. Empty and collected. She felt safely numb. Her feet took long strides, taking her from the warm little home even faster than she’d been prepared to go. It seemed like the last few months could be just a pleasantly distant memory. She smiled widely, just to feel her facial muscles stretch. It was practice for her return home. She could be just what everyone wanted, just watch. She could play the perfect daughter. Let someone else be the soap opera victim. She could act the villain. Just watch, just watch, just watch. Kaylie chanted the new mantra with every painful step.