Part 13
“Hey Dawson,” Joey said casually. She entered his bedroom and tried to remember the last time she’d been there. December? Huh.
“Joey!” Dawson looked up from his bed. He had spent the last forty-eight hours staring up at his ceiling and was thrilled at the prospect of having company. Especially Joey. She looked radiantly beautiful, despite the worn jeans and oversized faded plaid shirt she wore. Her hair cascaded down around her shoulders in touseled waves and she shook her head once to toss the unkempt hair off her eyes. “It’s good to see you,” Dawson enthused.
“Yeah,” Joey replied distractedly. She bit her lip and stared at her old friend. He was a little pale. His hair was hanging more than usual. His clothing looked like it hadn’t been washed in days, it was wrinkled and stained. She laughed when she realized her own shirt was also fairly wrinkled. It was the shirt she’d absconded early this morning from Pacey’s bedroom floor. It was his. She’d thought having the familiar smell of him around her would make this conversation easier. She hoped she was right. Well, here goes nothing, Joey thought. “I talked to Kaylie the other day.”
“Oh?” Dawson stared back at Joey, then dropped his eyes to his bedspread guiltily.
“Yeah, Pacey and I took Kaylie to a movie the day before yesterday.” Joey waited for a response and receiving only silence, plowed ahead. “She was in tears before we left. Shaking. She wouldn’t tell us why. We sat through a two hour movie. She said nothing. We went out for dinner. Nothing. It wasn’t until we were headed back to her place that she broke down.”
“She cried?” Dawson bent over a little. It was so hard to breathe lately. He didn’t want to make Kaylie cry.
“Yes, she cried. Kaylie told me what you said, Dawson.” Joey spit out the words. She crossed to his bed and then back to the door. It felt like her blood was on fire. She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes for a minute. She pictured Pacey. Calming down, she continued with what she hoped was an even tone. “’You’re better at taking beatings than I am.’ What were you thinking, Dawson?” Joey stared at him, eyes wide, eyebrows raised.
“I wasn’t,” Dawson admitted shakily, his eyes downcast. “She baited me and I-”
“You went in for the kill?” Joey cut in, angrily. “Yeah, she told me that, too. ‘Joey, it’s my fault, I was picking on him. I did it.’ God, she was taking the blame. And I swear, watching her excuse you....it made me sick. It made me think. You’re lucky I convinced Pacey to leave you alone. He was ready to beat the crap out of you.” She stared at his shaking body and took a breath. He wasn’t going to guilt her into letting up. It only infuriated her more to see him avoid her eyes.
“Thanks....about Pacey,” Dawson whispered.
“Don’t think I didn’t want him to take care of it, Dawson. I just didn’t see violence as a helpful solution. I thought maybe we should just leave you to yourself for awhile. But then I spent yesterday thinking about it. Kaylie and I get along really well together. I think I just figured out why. We’re two of a kind.” Joey cast her eyes to the ceiling and forced away the gathering tears. “I take beatings, too.” She looked down and watching a tear drop onto the pocket of Pacey’s shirt. “And I let them happen. I do.”
Dawson looked up at her for a second and then back down at his bed. He thought about his dreams again, Steven’s shoes. He saw Kaylie’s face as he lashed out at her. He saw the look on Joey’s face last spring. That look after he’d found out about her and Pacey, after he’d told her he wouldn’t be her friend if they were together. “No. Joey, you’ve always been strong. The terminator.” He attempted lightness, but feared he’d issued a self fulfilling prophecy instead.
“Not really. A lot of what’s happened....I let happen. I lied or hid things or just let someone else take over. I let you make it okay to be with Pacey. God, that’s just warped. But, Kaylie....when I see it in front of my face. It makes me want to throw up. And I don’t want Pacey to rescue Kaylie. I don’t need him to rescue me.”
Dawson felt the familiar ache at hearing Joey say Pacey’s name with such reverence. Such love. But the ache faded under the heavy beating of his heart at the mention of Kaylie’s name. Kaylie. He felt like he was drowning. “So...what do you want, Jo?”
“I want you to apologize to Kaylie. I-I want an apology. A fucking apology. I want you to admit how close you are to destroying every single friendship you ever had. Every one you didn’t deserve.”
“Joey,” Dawson whispered, shocked. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry I’m not always the best friend around. I’m sorry about what I said to Kaylie. God, I’m sorry.”
“Bully for you.” Joey looked at him and tried to remember what she liked about him. “Sorry doesn’t always make it better.” Joey walked towards the bed and reached out her hands to his face. She forced his eyes level with hers. “I’ve slept with Pacey at least six times in the last week.” Dawson felt the breath go out of him. “Sorry.” Joey let go of his head and smirked at him bitterly, “Feel better?”
Dawson took a heaving breath and covered his mouth with a trembling hand. He struggled not to gag as his world turned upside down. He was so dizzy. “No.”
“Right.” Joey straightened before him. “I had more to say before I got here.” She looked around the room and shrugged a little. “Great, insightful things. But mainly I just wanted to let you know....that you hurt Kaylie. You hurt me. And I know some of it is my fault. Mostly, because I made your life more important than mine and took it for granted that you’d do the same in return. I’m through with that. We’ve been friends for a long time, Dawson. And it makes me sad to think that was just...it makes me sad. But, I remember someone who held my hand when my mom died. And some of your ideals...some of them are beautiful. Some of them are crap.” Joey smiled softly. She laughed a little.
Dawson looked into her deep brown eyes questioningly. “So what should I do?”
“Try to figure out which are crap and which are beautiful....and go from there. And tell Kaylie you’re sorry. Not because it’ll fix things....just because it needs to be said. And it needs to be said on your hands and knees.” Joey turned to leave the room, unsure of when she’d be back. Stopping for a second, but not looking back, Joey whispered, “Goodbye, Dawson.”