“I don’t know why I’m here,” she whispered, squirming beside him. Pacey merely grinned and held on fast to her arm, preventing her escape. Joey frowned and reached a shaking finger up to the doorbell, only to be stopped by his hand on her own.
“We don’t have to ring, Jo.” He turned the doorknob, opening the Leerys’ front door easily, pulling her through the threshold after him. “Duh.”
“Right.” She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Following him upstairs, she stared at her surroundings with little comment. Lily had grown up a lot. Many of the photos lining the hall were of her. A few had Alexander in them, too. “Yours?”
Pacey followed her raised finger with his eyes, “Most of them. That one’s Dawson’s.”
She giggled. Alex and Lily were stiffly posed on the Leery dock.
Pacey smiled, relieved to see Joey laugh. She’d been more than a little resistant to this get together. He worried about forcing her the whole way, afraid to see their tentative friendship backfire.
Giving Dawson’s bedroom door a push, he strode in. “Hey D, movie all set up?”
Dawson looked up from his position in the desk chair. “I thought you were bringing Joey.”
“I did.” Dawson’s eyebrows furrowed, an amused smile pursing his lips. Pacey turned to see Joey no longer next to him. “Hang on.”
He didn’t see her in the hall and after a cursory glance each direction, Pacey thought she was gone. But then he heard it. A small breath and another gulping intake of air. He rounded the corner and found Joey, pushing up the sleeve of her mint colored sweater with a frown. She brushed at an imaginary spot on her white tank top and fidgeted in her jeans. He watched her for a moment, dancing a bit himself on the balls of his feet, before making his presence known with a tiny salute.
“Pacey, reporting for duty.” He stood at attention in front of her, his hand raised in mock salute.
Joey looked up at him, her eyebrow quirking. The corner of her mouth turned up and she bit the inside of her cheek. Squared her shoulders. Coughed. Twice. And then she let out a sudden gale of laughter and her cheeks flushed. “What-are you doing?”
“I promised your friends I’d bring you to movie night. It’s my one job.” He smirked. “It was either you or the dip. Jen won the coin toss. C’mon,” he held out a hand to her.
Joey shook her head. “We’re not friends anymore.”
“Sure you are,” Pacey said, grabbing her arm and urging her down the hallway, “just because you haven’t been around-”
“I’m not asking for reassurances, Pacey.” She pulled her hand from his grasp, gently, reluctant to leave his warm touch. “Just stating the facts. I’m not even all that upset about it.”
He stared at her silently. She met his gaze without hesitation and only blinked when the blue in his eyes struck her with too many memories. But she looked up again and smiled. She then turned on her heel and began to walk back down the hall, headed towards the stairs until his low voice stopped her still.
“Jo, we’ve all figured out why you moved to California. It’s not a big secret or anything.” Pacey clasped his hands together as Joey peered at him over her shoulder. “I’m not upset, I just wondered why you two didn’t-”
“What are you talking about, Pacey?”
“You wanted to be with Dawson.” He looked at his feet. “I’ll admit I was hurt at first, but I always wondered...he moved back to Boston. Why?”
“I wanted to be with Dawson,” she repeated, her forehead wrinkling. “I...because, yeah, we’re, I wanted to be with Dawson.”
“Right,” Pacey managed, “But you never called him. He told me, Jo. And you don’t even want to see him now. Why not? Why did it take your sister’s wedding to bring you-”
She cut in. “It’s not important now. Let’s just go in.” She pushed past him and into Dawson’s bedroom with a weary sigh.
**
The first person she saw upon entering was unexpected. She sat on the floor, her back against Dawson’s bed, twirling a curly lock of brown hair around her index finger.
“Gretchen. Good to see you.” Joey offered her hand to Pacey’s sister, retracting it quickly under the scrutinizing glare that surrounded her.
“Josephine,” an authoritative voice barked, “I see you’ve gotten some manners out West. I apologize for my siblings...that clearly haven’t.”
She turned with a jump, her tone incredulous. “Doug?”
“Just picking up my sister. We’re going out to dinner in just a minute.” Pacey’s older brother smiled somewhat stiffly and patted Joey on the shoulder affectionately. “She likes to think she’s a bit younger than she is, by hanging out here.”
“And how old would that make you, Dougie?” Pacey asked, his tone mischievous.
“Dinosaur old, Pacey.” Doug rolled his eyes, still standing in the corner of Dawson’s room.
Jen was the next to greet Joey. She was hiding behind the bed entirely. Her hair was shorter than the last time Joey had seen her, the golden curls bouncing just beneath her ears. Her peach sundress reminded Joey of a painting of a girl on the beach she’d seen in a museum in San Diego once. She wrapped her arms around the shorter girl’s shoulders and leaned into the hug, whispering a small hello.
Behind Jen, Joey saw Jack, who simply nodded his head in her direction and held a hand in the air. She did the same and started to smile a bit, and then she saw him.
He was sitting in his chair, his blonde hair much shorter than before. His dark brown long sleeve tee seemed wrong for the heat of summer and his jeans had a hole worn through the knee.
“Dawson.” She looked down at her feet, finding her battered shoelaces suddenly fascinating. “Hey.”
“Hello Joey.” Dawson’s eyes drifted to a spot just in front of his window and then back to her face. “You look good.”
“Tan,” Gretchen supplied.
“Thanks, it’s taken me awhile just to stop burning.”
“Be careful out there,” Doug advised coolly. “Wouldn’t want another skin cancer victim.”
“I’ll be sure to avoid...” she attempted to say something funny, but was struck by how unfunny she felt at the moment. Was that merely Deputy Dougie’s way of relating or was it a thinly veiled death threat? She laughed out loud at the absurdity of the thought. And then all five pairs of eyes were on her again, questioning and suspicious. “I always wear sunscreen.”
“SPF what?”
“Um...30, I think.” She was having a conversation with Doug about sunscreen. She wiggled her toes in her sneakers and glanced up at Pacey, her face a mask of confusion. “What would you suggest?”
“I would suggest you avoid direct sunlight exposure.” Doug eyed her sternly. “Best advice I can give. Perhaps you should have stayed in Boston.”
She ran her tongue across her teeth, her eyes narrowing. “Did the sun stop shining here when I left?”
“Most definitely, Jo.” Pacey murmured warmly, slinging an arm around her shoulders, tossing a soft smile her way.
Her spine tingled even as she bent a bit under the weight of his body. She slumped and took in a sharp breath. Joey watched the walls shift towards her. Without warning, the room seemed so small. They continued to stare, everyone but Gretchen, who tossed popcorn kernels into her mouth mechanically, her eyes focused straight ahead.
**
Thirty two minutes into The Princess Bride and counting. Fezzick was scaling the Cliffs of Insanity. Joey took in a deep breath. Thirty two minutes and forty nine seconds. How many movies would they have to watch? She wondered absently. The way this was going; thousands.
Thankfully, Gretchen and Doug had left. Sometime between disentangling herself from beneath Pacey’s arm and finding her way into a small corner of Dawson’s room. She sat to the left side of his bedside table. Almost under it, she was so closely crouched to the cool wood. Pacey had given her a small puzzled, somewhat hurt look and walked over to sprawl on the bed, occasionally inching to the right to watch her from above.
Joey forced her eyes towards the screen, just as Gretchen had before. She checked her watch again in the flickering light of the television. Thirty five minutes. Fezzick was up now and Inigo was waiting on the edge of the cliff for the still scaling, Man In Black. Oh, why bother? Joey had memorized this movie. Inigo was waiting for Westley. Westley loved Buttercup. They would live happily ever fucking after. She let out an exasperated sigh and stood up quickly.
Pacey turned to look at her, made a move to get up and she held up a hand. Whispered to him, “Just getting something to drink. I’ll be back in a sec.”
She moved out of the room slowly, holding out her hands in the darkness. Finding his door knob and turning it, Joey blinked in the bright hall light.
Joey found her way downstairs with her eyes closed. Just to prove that she still knew the house that had been her home, even though she’d never lived there.
Once downstairs, she wandered through rooms. The family room still had an appalling collection of boats in bottles. Lily Leery’s dolls were scattered on the couch, on the armchair Mitch sat in around Christmas time. She’d been gone too long.
**
“You missed the funeral.”
The voice startled Joey, but she covered well, shifting in the armchair, one of Lily’s ragdolls clutched in her hand. She smiled sadly, lifting her gaze up to Jen.
“I‘ve been to my share.” She sighed. “I sent a card. I called. I couldn’t be...” Joey trailed off, her voice hoarse.
“Yeah,” Jen said, her tone sympathetic. She sat down on the floor below Joey, her expression earnest, curious. “I dated Dawson again. Just for a bit. Did he tell you that?”
Joey shrugged. “I talked to Gale.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” Joey smiled nervously.
“You never called him.” Jen nudged Joey’s foot with her toe, grinning. “Did you forget to pack his number when you hightailed it out west?”
Joey frowned. It probably didn’t matter if Jen knew. Not anymore. Three years and stuff should be under the water, over the bridge. Something like that. She took a deep breath.
“I transferred to San Diego because of Pacey. Not Dawson. I haven’t seen him since the summer after graduation.”
“Pacey?”
“He was too close.” She threw up her hands. “I wanted him so badly. And I just needed a few state lines between us.”
“Joey.”
Joey rose out of her chair, dismissing the pitying tone of Jen’s voice. Jen stood to follow her.
“You wanted to know,” she said, frowning, “but it worked out for the best. I really like my school. California is amazing. I don’t regret any of the choices I made.”
Pacey’s voice was barely audible and the words were merely breathed to her back as she walked away. “I regret some of mine.”
**
Walking back into Dawson’s room had been a cry for help. Joey sighed as she watched Pacey, Jack, Jen and Dawson laugh. They were currently taking a mid movie break to pop popcorn. And laugh. About socks apparently.
“God, those are them!” Jen tugged at the tops of Jack’s faded green socks. He wriggled his toes and chuckled. Jen turned to smile briefly at Joey. “These socks nearly killed us all!”
“Seriously, man,” Pacey added, giving Jack’s shoulder a thump, “the dryer is so much more deadly when you use it.”
Dawson grinned outright. “I’m still finding lint in my hair!”
“Dawson, there are so many jokes running through my head right now,” Jen advised him, wrapping an arm round his shoulders in an affectionate squeeze, “just think what Pacey’s gonna say.”
“Nah,” Pacey held up a hand, “if Leery here doesn’t wanna wash his hair, that’s up to him.”
“Hey!”
“Man, everyone has their flaws. Yours can be personal hygeine and that’s okay. I won’t love you less.” Pacey smirked. “I won’t love you more, but I won’t love you less either.”
Pacey turned apologetically to explain, his hand brushing gently against her knee. “Jack was drying some clothes and he forgot the lint screen. He went to put it in and the dryer malfunctioned and didn’t stop. So he kinda had to fend off flying socks with the screen as a shield.”
“Oh,” Joey said.
“You kinda had to be there,” Dawson replied.
Joey flinched. And reached for the phone. “Mind if I make a call? I’m using my calling card.”
“Not a problem, Joey,” Dawson said, shaking his head. “Who do you need to-”
“My roommate,” Joey answered, interrupting his question. She dialed the numbers quickly, listening to the ringing while keeping one eye on the group. They dimmed the lights once again and resumed watching the movie. Dawson had the popcorn in hand by the time Keri answered the phone.
“Hey, Ker,” Joey whispered. “I told you I’d call. I’m at movie night. At Dawson’s. With Pacey, Jen, and Jack. The whole gang.”
“Joey?” Keri’s voice was distant and confused. “You’re with your friends. You haven’t seen them in three years. And you’re calling me? Long distance? I have a date.”
“Keri, come on. You don’t need me to comfort you every time Jake gets on your nerves.”
“Who’s Jake? Joey, get off the phone and talk to the people in the room with you.”
“Play along,” she whispered through clenched teeth. “It’ll be okay, Hon. What else is going on there?”
“Gabriel is driving us nuts.”
“What?”
“He wants to know when you’ll be back, he misses you, he needs you, blah, blah ding blah.” Keri snapped on her gum noisily. “He fancies a fuck.”
“Keri.”
“The boy still loves you. I feel bad lying to him, too.”
“Lying?”
“She’s home for her sister’s wedding. I don’t think Pacey even lives in Capeside anymore. She’s fine. Told me she missed you the other day.”
“Fuck,” she said, grimacing as four pairs of eyes focused on her suddenly. Pacey regarded her with a curious smirk and she smiled nervously. She lowered her voice. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“What did you want me to say?”
“The truth. Gabe deserves the truth. He knows we’re over.”
**
She was standing outside, staring at Dawson’s old dock. Debating whether to leave with a goodbye, run down the street, hotwire Pacey’s car, or simply take a running leap into the murky creek water and swim all the way back home. She glanced back at the house, only to see Pacey slowly sidling up to her. Joey winced and turned back to the water. Leaping it was.
“You’re missing the movie.” Pacey’s warm voice tingled up her shoulders and back down her spine and she smiled. “It’s getting to the good part.”
“Westley and Buttercup are back together?”
“Nah,” he said, his tone rich with mischief, “lots of fighting and dismemberment.”
“Oh.” Joey turned to him, an eyebrow arching delicately, a small smile playing at her lips. He smiled back and she sobered. Her head bowed and she was almost inaudible when she said it.
“I’m sorry.”
Pacey tipped her head up to his with an index finger under her chin. “For what?”
“Four years ago, it didn’t really matter who was there for me. Just so long as someone was there.”
“I don’t understand.” He searched her eyes.
“My whole life has been about who’s leaving next. My mom left, then my dad, then Bodie left Bessie.” She bit her lip. “You left.”
Pacey frowned and he ducked her gaze. She pushed at his cheek with a trembling palm.
“If I seemed obsessed with keeping Dawson, it’s because I was. He’s the only one, the only one who wouldn’t leave. No matter what. And I didn’t care how he wanted me. It didn’t really matter. Just so long as he stayed.”
The truth of her words hit her hard. She was ashamed of who she had been. Her entire high school life...it was nothing to be proud of, it was another reason she’d hid in California. For three years. Happily.
“And me? I never left, until we broke up-”
She met his eyes with a hard look. “Pacey, you were always one step away from slamming the door in my face.”
“Ah, the familiar Joey Potter stab in the back.”
“The tried and true Pacey Witter evasion tactic.”
“Go with a gimmick that works, I always say.” He grinned, marginally lightening the edge to his tone.
“Right.”
“So, you’re saying Dawson’s your safety net?”
“Something like that.”
“I knew that, Jo. I mean, duh. I knew. I just thought maybe...”
“You wanted to be my safety net?” She asked dubiously.
“No.” Pacey stared at her intently. “I wanted to be the guy that makes you not need a safety net.”
Joey pressed her lips together for a moment before finally meeting his gaze. “See here’s the thing, Pace. If I couldn’t do that for myself, how could you possibly do it for me?”
