Holy moly, bloggy, did I get into big trouble, and Mommy says it’s because I spend more time with Rambunctious Rhine than I do with Perfect Plato. Anyway, it was just a little itsy bitsy prank! See, our science teacher, Brother Sparks, is really dull – heck, he makes beige look like an exciting colour. So me and Rhine put a Whoopie Goldberg Cushion ™ on his chair, and when he came in and sat down it went off, and you should have seen Sparks fly! But everyone was looking at me and Rhine, so we got sent to prevention in the principal’s orifice. And Mommy got mad and told me I was grounded for a whole week – just because I’m such a live wire. Bummer.

We didn’t even go anywhere for March Break! Other people went away: like Cousin NessaKait went to Dizzyland in California, and Auntie TreedCat visited the George W. Bush Gardens in Florida, and Cousin Roaring walked through the entire West Edmonton Mall in Alberta to watch our navy in its annual manoeuvres (the red team lost to the green team), but I stayed home and watched Mommy walk on her dreadmill. Sheesh, I would have liked watching the grass grow better than that, but I haven’t seen any grass in a long time – well, except for the stuff Pappa smokes.

 

I figured I might as well tackle the assignation Sister Windy gave her classh: “Examine the progressive thematic underpinnings of The Kilts, Enya’s first album even though Enya was her first album, and they both have the same tracks.” What all this has to do with pinning or unpinning your underwear remains a mystery to me though. I’ll just casually forget that part – maybe she won’t notice, what with all that Pepto-Brennan ™ she gulps down. But she also said we had to have a “thesis” at the very beginning, so here is mine:

 

In this album, Enya is recording (in more ways than one) who the Ancient Scottish Kilts were, why they arrived in Scotland, and why we need to take up arms against these knobby-kneed warriors in skirts.

See, I listened to The Kilts over and over the whole dang week. And guess what, bloggy! I decided that Enya had wanted to change the name of the album to The Kilts because more people could pronounce that than Enya; and, even more impotent, after I heard this CD for the very first time I knew that Enya and me had a lot in common – like the ability to babble-on in incomprehensible tongues and cater to countless Kats!

 

Anyway, this CD was created at the Royal Command of the BBC. Mother BBC (as I oft call her, as opposed to Mommy CBC, who is singing in the shower right now and derailing my train of thought entirely). You see, the BBC was going to film an entire series of shows about old kilts and needed a soundtrack. Right on track came Enya, mightily pushed along by the Roma and Nicky Ryan Railway, and she blew the BBC away, along with Surrey, Kent, Cornwall and Devon Cream. A national State of Emergency was then proclaimed – it was wedged between Norfolk and Suffolk, but no longer exists as they found out that The Kilts were NOT going to invade after all.

 

The CD begins with a track called “The Kilts” and this is why the album is now called The Kilts in case you don’t see the oblivious connection. The Kilts, according to Mommy, were a bunch of people in the Far North who were so imperviant to cold that they wore nothing but skirts when roaming around really cool places. In hot places, they just wore nothing, which saved a lot of laundry detergent and thus was good for the environment. And as they roamed, they sang their fearsome warrior anthem:

 

Hi-ri, Hi-ro, Hi-ri.
Hoireann is O, ha hi, ra ha, ra ho ra.
Hoireann is O, ha hi, ra ha, ra ha ra.
Hi-ri, Hi-ra, Hi-ri

 

No wonder all those who heard this fled in terror – some even ended up on the planet of Loxia, but that’s a tale for another album.

 

Mommy told me that what they are really singing is this:

 

Life of lives,
Beginning to the end.
We are alive
Forever.

Life of lives,
Beginning to the end.
We are alive
Forever.

 

See, that’s why a State of Emergency was created: they are Immortals, and thus are even higher than the Royals!  Kilts are forever high – for everything low, there’s Camillas and other wilted flowers.

 

Well, after this over-the-stove-top dressing up of these Kilted Immortals, we find out, in the next track in fact, where they originally came from: Aldebaran, which is a place far and away, where no human had gone before Enya. And she got there only because her Ryan Air flight got diverticulated into a Worm Hole. These particular Immortals had been sent to Scotland so they could unfiltrate British waters and create whisky. This was the BIG idea of their Immortal Ruler, Al the Baron, who was once a humble Count but rose to Supreme Power in a bloodless coup (which was easy as the Aldebarans have no blood, just liquid heather in their veins).

 

Big Al’s theme song (which he wrote all by himself) went like this:

 

Codladh fada,
Codladh domhain.
Éirigh! Amharc síos
Aldebaran.

Siúil liom tríd an réalta dearg.
Deireadh, deireadh an turas.
Réaltóg, réaltóg dearg,

 

which scared the BeeGees out of me, until Mommy told me it meant:

 

Long sleep,
Deep sleep.
Rise! Look down
Aldebaran.

Walk with me through the red star.
The end, end of the journey.
Star, red star.

 

I have no idea what this means but I am not travelling to any red star in the near or far future!  Even though Mommy seems eager to send me, having already packed my red suitcase.

 

Having introduced The Kilts and their Supreme Ruler, we find out in the next track what they want: Tomorrow!

 

Yes, the next track is called I Want Tomorrow and talks about men from “the sun” (I bet it’s a red sun!) who plan to take over the British Aisles and then the rest of Earth (which, in the Aldebaranian language, is called “To-Morr-ow”) by evaporating all automobiles, which they think are the highest form of life on Earth!  What is really scary is that they might be right! These invaders disguise themselves as scruffy-looking bums and wander about the British Aisles to gather what passes for intelligence for Big Al.

 

Then comes The March of the Kilts. the actual invasion, which is accompanied by their Officious Marching Invasion Song (OMIS):

 

Hi-ra-U-O
Beo go deo. 

Ole ole ole,
ole ole ole ole ole ole ole,
ole ole ole,
ole ole ole. 

Hi-ri-U-O
Marbh go deo

 

(“Ole,” by the way, is the name of their mascot, a rather large Aldebaranian pit bull.)

 

This, according to She-who-has-raised-me, means:

 

Alive forever
Dead forever

 

Once more, they stress their Immortality, while also revealing themselves (as they lift up their kilts) as Vampires! Hey – maybe they’re called “The Kilts” because they’ve been kilt in more ways than one. I’ll ask my friend Buffy about that.

 

As if that were not more than enough, the next track is called:

 

Deireadh An Tuath, which translates as “End Of The Tribe” – and which has a lot of ho-ing going on:

 

Hoireann is O Ho O Ho ro Ho.
Hoireann is O Ho O Ho ro Ho.

 

But Mommy won’t let me research that on Wicked-Pedia.  She says I’m too young to ho. But I LOVE garden work!

 

In any case, someone’s tribe may be about to end, and that’s what is called an “ominous.”

 

Then comes The Sun in the Stream - which is instrumental to the attack about to be launched by The Kilts. They don’t play fair: they’re gonna put our tiny, sweet yellow star in a huge galactic stream and then steam it away, away, away. But they have their own star if they just wanna press their kilts! I guess it’s just more fun to create ecological mayhem on the planet of Tomorrow, and Big Al has made it so. So get ready for humungous climactic change, something my Auntie TreedCat worries about a lot – so much so that I call her Auntie Climactic. When she’s not here, that is.

 

You know, I wonder what they plan to do with our moon – maybe sell it to some Aldebaranian shepherd? Whatever, it looks like curtains for our small blue planet and its very blue moon. So let us go beyond, right to the next track, To Go Beyond.

 

Mommy says that “To Go Beyond (I)” is a preclude to “To Go Beyond (II),” though if there’s a reason I don’t know why. But Mrs. Ryan says this tune is a reflection of the future, but it’s awfully short, and I sure hope our future lasts a little longer than this track. Like, when are The Kilts coming? Do I have enough time to graduate from Roma Ryan’s High School and Petting Zoo? Do I have enough time to pack an overnight bag (no, Mommy, I’m not talking about you again)? Or am I too late already? I’d hate being the late OperaKait. Even though Mommy says it’s fashionable to be late – and have you seen what she wears as “fashion”? I rest my case.

 

So I’m gonna go beyond to the next musical offering, which is called Fairytale.  Now, I love fairytales: my Uncle Frodo is full of wonderful stories about elves and entyas and habbits. And Mommy looks like an orc, so there you go! Anyway, this tune is supposed to be about a Fairy King’s love for a beautiful princess, who is banished for poisoning Cousin Salmonella and is turned into a pool of water – like we all do when we eat really bad potato salad. But the princess comes back like Mommy’s pepper stew, and becomes a Butterball – my favourite brand of turkey. This is a very dense track because it lulls us into a false sense of security in the face of the eminent Aldebaranian attack; we must not be dreaming of fairies when our planet is looking at extinction! Or maybe Mrs. Ryan just went out for a smoke and Enya decided to become a Fairy Queen who lives in a castle; or maybe you had to be there to understand?

 

Whatever the case may be (and may it be), who will protect our planet from Big Al and his super troupers? Aha, I say: the answer is not blowing in the wind, but in the next track!

 

For next comes a musical ode about Camilla Parka Bowler: Epona, the horsey woman. Well, Epona was a Goddess, so there is an important difference because Camilla is an orc like Mommy. Anyway, Mrs. Ryan says that Epona was a loner who liked horses and birds better than human beans. And she always carried a bean-bag of corn, so she was a bag lady like Camilla too. They say that her birdie friends were supposed to put the living to sleep and to wake up the dead, but I have a different opinion on that: I think the songs of my cat put people to sleep, and that her sex life wakes the dead. Bet I get prevention if Mommy reads this.

 

Will Epona ride to our rescue though – that is the question! Well, all we have to do is listen to the next track, which has three parts, so it’s called Triage. Triage starts with “St. Patrick,” whose day I celebrated last week by eating three tons of raw spinach, followed by a large bottle of pink Pepto-Brennan ™. Now, we all know who St. Patrick was: the kool dude who scared the snakes out of Nova Scotia (except for certain relatives who I won’t name here, though Mommy calls them the Lounge Lizards).

 

But did you know, bloggy, that Paddy converted all the rice grown in Ireland to Christianity? Under the name of Uncle Ben! And that because of him all the Celtics lost their beliefs, and their basketballs as well. So he is one of them “seminary” historical figures my history teacher, Mrs. Erin Go Blah, talks a lot about, even if no one is listening. I think he is also the patron saint of the Green Movement, which I always have after eating tons of spinach.

 

But what does this all mean, Sister Windy will ask? Well, I think Epona is going to ho up her wagon to Paddy in an all-out armageddon thingie with the invaders. But it will be a bloody affair, and so triage will be very much needed. Good thing Paddy has a Secret Weapon of Mass Destruction: an Irish hero! And that is what the next part of “Triage” is all about.

 

Since this second part involves a dog, my cat got up and left when it came on, and went to eat some green Enyabits ™ instead. But, dear bloggy, Cu Cku-cku killed the hound of Cullan the Smith, who always forged ahead in life, so my cat should have stayed to enjoy that part at least. Anyway, since he killed the dog of Cullan, he told Cullan that he himself would now guard the Smith’s bungalow in Killiney from raging fans and cake bearers – which I think is really way too much in compensation for a chiwawa, but it’s not my call, eh? So, Cu Cku-Cku became a great hero and invented a new sandwich. I think Epona, Paddy and Cu Cku Cku put the “trio” in “Triage,’” don’t you? And I hear their lucky mascot was an eagle scout who once found Enya under a keyboard. And got a gold badger for it.

 

Now, if you think all this is weird, wait till you hear the third part: Oy-vey-sin. Oy-vey-sin was a guy who travelled a lot and always lost his luggage. He went to the Land of Youth, where they sell Oil of Oldbay, and stayed there 300 years!!! And he never ever aged – Cousin Roaring has been there, too, so no one knows she’s really 300 years old. Just don’t tell anyone, bloggy, ok? Cause they may make her graduate from preschool if they knew. Anyway, Oy-vey-sin finally returned to Ireland, aged well from all the Guinness he consummated, threw in his lot with Epona, and then died from eating Mommy’s fruit cake. And that’s where this Triage thing ends.

 

Then comes Portrait right out of the blue – no warning at all that a big picture is about to fall on your head! I keep telling Mommy to use nails instead of Scottish tape to hang them but she’s too cheap, er, thrifty. But I don’t know whose portrait this one is, maybe one of St. Patrick on the day after, looking even greener than usual? Maybe I should ask Uncle Frodo, but I think he’s still very busy googling kilts.

 

So next comes my very favourite song in The Kilts – I really wish there was a Pole I could vote in, but Chopin died a while back – the song is called Bodice Ea, and may be related to my Auntie Hiding’s Cloak of Invisibility. See, Queen Ea of the Icemen people lived in East Angles, figuring out that A squared plus B squared = C squared, well, that’s what Uncle Ahab told me. She was very rebellious cause her Bodice was always in a knot, and when the Roman Ryans came she was revolting. She even took London, driving out Uncle Frodo who was there to watch a bunch of Celtic Women play basketball as they sang. But Queen Ea lost the game (and London) and, not being a good sport at all, killed herself by tightening her bodice. This is a really really sad song – no wonder Mommy refuses to wear a bra bra streisand.

 

Then we come to the Board Dance, a kool tune about merry executives, called CEOs, who get such humungous bonuses for ripping off the share croppers that they dance the night away. This is one of them socially subconscious songs that Pete Seaweed used to write before he got sued by Enron. See, they needed his money real bad. My Uncle Skipper is a board too, and he goes to all kinds of meetings to see people who are as thick as planks.

 

Well, by now, the Aldebarian Immortals were well aware that they really didn’t want anything to do with Earth/Tomorrow and its motley crew of denizens. I think the dancing CEOs were the last nail in their coffers. But the tail does not stop wagging quite yet, as they still have to meet the very famous hero, Danny Boy.

 

The next song is very very deep cause it’s about a town in Whales that was sunk when an evil prince pranced by with his harry horse. The song is called Danny’s Dour cause the people there weren’t very happy about this, especially Danny Boy, who vainly put his finger in the dike to try to stop the water. You probably heard the song they wrote about him: “Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are coming, from glen to glen, right into your town square.” But The Kilts tries to put a positive spinning electron on all of this by ending with To Go Beyond (II), in which the salvation of our planet is celibated. See, the message here is that we must move, or swim as the case may be, forward in life, no matter how wet we are. Like those salmonellas always trying to go upstream to visit my cousin, even if she’s not home. Of course, if they went downstream they’d end up at my house and would have to eat tons of spinach, so I can’t blame them for going the other way at all. Maybe I should learn to swim too?

And so, dear bloggy, that’s all there is to say about The Kilts. Now I gotta run and hand this assignation in to Sister Windy, and I bet it blows her away!  So TTYL, bloggy!