If Jesus Had a Fan Forum

Let us imagine that Jesus, busy wandering around teaching people how to be good, had founded a website complete with the required "fan forum." What would that forum be like? Well, as geologists tell us, the present is the key to the past, though in this case the future may be the key to the perfect past. Don't let that bother you. It's something for grammarians to ponder, pluperfectly.

Jesus would definitely appoint Peter as his forum webmaster; after all, one does need a head as thick as a rock to take the job. Then the other disciples would draw sticks: the 5 with the shortest sticks get to be moderators. The rest could look forward to normal lives.

As soon as two fans registered, a debate would break out: where IS Jesus right now? Is he going to post on the forum? Will he send us loaves and fish? When will his Gospel be published? Will Jesus hold signings when the Good Books are published? And what is going on with Mary M.?

Peter and the Mods (also known as The Original Rock Group) will ask the members - now up to 20 - to be patient. Jesus is very busy travelling, teaching his gospel of love to all peoples. At once someone from Corinth will ask when Jesus is scheduled to appear there. A member from Nazareth will swear that Jesus never did like Greek food. A fight will break out over the merits of baklava.

The mods will consult the Good Book of Rules -- a weighty tome carved on massive blocks of granite. One will get a hernia and take a leave of absence. The rest will meet to decide whether talking about Jesus' diet is allowed, or not. The word "pork" will be banned.

A new member named Paul will claim to have inside information about Jesus, having met him, so he says, while walking to work one day. The other members will consider Paul a potential stalker and advise him to stick to letter writing, in which Paul claims to have an MA. Paul will, accordingly, start sending instant letters (ILs) to every member, assuring them that he alone knows the TRUTH about Jesus. And that it involves Peter, Paul and Mary. Maybe even Puff the Magic Dragon.

Someone will then post a topic about Jesus' sexuality, starting the biggest flame war yet known to man - WWII not yet having been invented. The mods will then point out that discussing Jesus' personal life is forbidden by the Rules, and in return they will receive hate mail from followers of Jesus' message of love. Meanwhile, Jesus is still very busy, travelling.

Soon there are thousands of members, though only 25 post regularly; the official diet of disciples will now include lots of bran. These posters now wonder out loud whether Jesus really does love them, and if so, when are his books coming out and how much will they cost? Will they be sold by Amazon or Barnes & Noble, or the Magi? Someone will then claim to have seen a promotional copy sold not by the Magi but by Three Pirates from Penzance. Members will no longer be allowed to link to pirates from any location, with the sole exception being Johnny Depp.

Things will get very quiet eventually, as Jesus is still travelling. Peter will decide to holiday in the Azores, leaving the mods to look after things. Unfortunately, he forgets to leave the Keys to the Kingdom of the Forum with the mods, who now have to pretend that they understand what is going on.

As a result, a State of Hibernation comes into being; it is located not far from Judea. Where Jesus is still very busy, travelling.