paige8

i don't exactly know what makes the wind blow. i don't know exactly what makes things happen the way they do. perhaps because the change of seasons. maybe a different direction of the wind. it's funny that hawaii's seasons supposedly do not change. oh, except for hurricane season. a season named specifically after a natural disaster. something human nature cannot stop. something that is out of our control. a change in the wind. i don't know exactly what makes things happen the way they do. in my life, i've been through many hurricanes. and at this very moment it seems like i'm right in the eye of the storm...

i see a swirl of thoughts, dreams, worries, fears, and memories. i sit in the middle fo the chaos and debris. faces adn voices go round and round and round and round but they don't touch me. i recognize them. i know their faces and voices well. they have hurt me once, but they don't right now. they have made me happy once, but they don't right now. right now i sit. i breathe. i close my eyes and there they are. i cry. my tears roll down my cheek, down to my chin, and as they drop, some force pulls it to the debris of voices adn faces and collects each teardrop like precious jewls. i never thought that my tears were worth so much. i've spent som many. they've stolen so many painful ones. but the happy tears were gifts. gifts given gladly to them. the faces. the voices. when will it stop swirling? it's making me dizzy. make it stop. make it stop...

what is happening here? where am i? why is everything so unfamiliar? didn't i have everything planned out? didn't i plan it right? didn't i have goals? both short and long term goals? didn't i have the skills, the knowledge, the energy, the time, the heart to reach them? to succeed? where am i now? what will happen? when will it happen? what time is it? what time will it start? what time will it end? what happens after this? what happens tomorrow? question: i've got a question: what's the question? the question IS the question. wait, was that the answer?...

i want to be in control! i was always in control! let me have the wheel again! please! i knew where i was going! all i did was blink, turn my eyes away from the road for one second and i'm in a different area of the world! where the fuck am i? the signs fly past me. relationship road. full-time work way. college circle. homeless highway. broke-as-shit boulevard. this cheap 99 cent fold-out road map sucks! but is that my fault that i couldn't aford to pay for a fuckin personal tour guide?!...