| do you ever get that feeling after shit goes down for a while like a calm in a storm? wait thats not really the right analogy. sort of but not really. i feel good. things are alright. i'm fine. just at this moment. i'm thinking probably that will change soon enough, since i always manage to land in some horrible emotional mess of things all in good time. but right now, things are good. moderate good. the kind you won't totally crash down from. i talked to God last night. it had been a while. its amazing. i don't know. peace. i love it and missed it. talking and being responded to. my problems didn't go away, but something changed...i'm not sure what. maybe reassurance or support or partial answers or solutions. forgiveness is something irreplaceable. it can change the course of your life in a million different ways. maybe lots of people think and even i think sometimes i'm just stupid for forgiving people so easily but i wouldn't give it up because it sometimes provides a lot of relief, and keeps me from being completely consumed by hate. some people are easier to forgive than others. and forgiving doesn't mean you're not angry anymore. i really feel dumb sometimes. sometimes i'm so gullible i make myself sick. oh well. ching ching ching ching. blah blah blah is there anyone out there really caring? is our outside world and everything around us really just a dream and we are kept from seeing the reality of how alone we really are? well i feel alone most of the time. i mean i love my friends and i know they're there with me i don't mean like that. i mean like i'm the only me and thats like a really lonely thing. nobody really understands exactly. and i can't see myself really being completely happy in a relationship or even one being successful. i mean i know thats a really typical comment but i mean really like the future in my mind flashes sometimes and thats what i feel. i hope this time the flashes are mistaken. can't see past the failures i've had. i think i'm going to give up. or try to. i mean given my nature i just can't stop being angsty about it and stop being the angry unrequited girl who's bitter and just stop thinking about it altogether. but maybe i can push it out of my mind. just kind of give up. at least for a while. a beautiful land of oblivion and no boys and breaking hearts. a white room with doors and people that don't get inside you just stay out there where they belong and i walk around and just kind of exist without excess feeling. thats an interesting thought. and bubbles and flowers and ice cream and bunnies and candy canes and................. hahahahahahahahah. yeah who am i kidding i'm gona go on being the same me falling for the same guys (or just still not getting over them) and complaining the same complaints and crying the same stupid meaningful tears. well, its still a good feeling i'm having so i'm going to go to sleep before it goes away or something happens. |