Carolyn Burnham: Are you trying to look unattractive?
Jane: Yes.
Carolyn Burnham: Well, congratulations. You've succeded admirably.

Lester Burnham: It's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.

Angela Hayes: What do you want?
Lester Burnham: Are you kidding? I want you.

Ricky Fitts: Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.

Lester Burnham: Look at me. Jerking off in the shower. This will be the highlight of my day.

Angela Hayes: At least I'm not ugly!
Ricky Fitts: Yes you are. And you're boring. And you're totally ordinary. And you know it.

Ricky Fitts: Excuse me for speaking so bluntly sir. But those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.
Colonel Fitts: Well, me too son. Me too.

Brad: [reading Lester's job description] My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell.

Angela Hayes: If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.

Lester Burnham: This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living.

[at the dinner table]
Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why < don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.

Lester Burnham: So Janie, how was school?
Jane Burnham: It was okay.
Lester Burnham: Just okay?
Jane Burnham: No dad, it was spectacular.

Angela Hayes: I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.

Angela Hayes: You total slut, you have a crush on him. You're defending him, you love him, you wanna have, like, ten thousand of his babies.

Lester Burnham: You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.

Lester Burnham: I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.

Lester Burnham: [narrating] It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.

Carolyn Burnham: What are you doing?
Lester Burnham: Nothing.
Carolyn Burnham: You were masturbating!
Lester Burnham: I was not.
Carolyn Burnham: Yes you were!
Lester Burnham: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!

Angela Hayes: I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.