Doroga k Zvjozdam Otkrita.
(The way to the stars is open.)
-Sergei Koroljov
I saved this for way too late, but because I�m so brilliant and wonderful, I�ll make it so that you can still learn from me. Procrastination: forget the One Ring and Isildur, man, this is the writer�s bane!
Now, let�s plunge onwards into the heart of the issue, which is� well� this issue! I apologize to everyone for the lack of a Column last month. My dog ate it/my computer exploded/I was just too damn lazy to do something I didn�t have to do. I�m sure you�ll all understand that I�m not the sex-Goddess everyone at DP! would have you think I am. I�ve got flaws too.
Anyway, enough about me. Let�s get this show on the road, since I know that no one came here to hear me talk about this one time, at band camp�
WARNING: This issue contains adult material. If you�re a child under the age of thirteen or an Ultra-Orthodox Christian, you will be offended, so I advise you to return to the Chucky Cheese Homepage or the Official Site of Christian Monks Movie Reviews, respectively.
�But Krajki,� you�re whining, �what does a virgin know about love scenes?�
�That it�s physically impossible to do that,� I say, turning green and pointing. �Jeez, it doesn�t bend that way!�
This Lesson is really quite simple: dos and don�ts of love scenes. I�m doing this because I�ve noticed quite a few �this is what would happen if you gave boneless sluts a copy of the Kama Sutra� scenarios. The mechanics of some love scenes, to quote Clam Chowder, the author of one hilarious Clich� catalog, fairly boggle the mind.
So, in the form of FAQs, here�s what you need to know:
Q. Krajki, what are the basics of a good love scene?
A. Well, you know, there isn�t any one answer to that question. It depends entirely on what you�re writing (I�m useless, I know.) But wait! There are a few basic rules:
1) KNOW HUMAN ANATOMY: I can�t stress this enough, people! If you have a pair of lads anally violating each other with pogo sticks, people are going to mutter, �How do they do that?� The answer will be, unless this is high fantasy or something, �They can�t.� And then your work will be unbelievable, there will be rioting in the streets, and your reviewers will leave you nasty little messages and/or call the proper authorities.
So how do you know the truth? If you�ve got a willing partner, and you want to know first hand, try it yourself. Now, this is rarely feasible, so� Research, my dears (sorry, I don�t mean porn, no one knows how they manage half that shit.) You�d be amazed what you�ll find in Medical Journals (how boring, but very useful.) If you�re not afraid of running into some tasteless stuff, the internet has a lot of good jazz on it (I highly recommend www.infoplease.com when it comes to any research.)
2) AVOID CLICH�S: Okay, I�ll admit, the two ultra-experienced sexbots make for some interesting loving. But there�s so much more to writing a sex-scene than that. In fact, the Bedroom is the perfect place for almost anything, like humor, drama, or, if that�s what finds your lost remote, action.
Here�s a fairly good example:
The kiss was different from their first, it had a languorous sensuality about it that Mary found fey and witching, as if the creature she had surprised dreaming was not Tim at all, but a manifestation of the soft summer night. Rising from the balcony without fear or hesitation, he pulled her into his arms and picked her up.
You don�t even need to be that descriptive. Just something other than �He shoved his tongue down her throat.�
3) TELL IT LIKE IT IS, BABY: This is especially important if you�re writing a story in the first person. Everybody has different sexual experiences. And the sad fact is, it�s rarely the Hollywood Dream we see in the movies. There is always the sweet-hearted, oh-so attractive guy who might have popped out of the Energizer Bunny commercial. But he�s not a frequenter in the average woman�s circle, just like the beautiful buxom bisexuals aren�t that common either (but who knows? Some of the guys who dig that might get lucky.) If it�s the heroine�s first time, it usually hurts (it doesn�t always, but even then it�s usually not incredible). If the lead dude is fifty, maybe some viagra should have been in order. He might be incredible- like Sean Bean probably is ^_^- but chances are� so tell it like it is, baby! You�re not impressing anyone by stretching the truth.
4) BRING YOUR OWN CREATIVITY INTO IT: Everyone is different, but chances are using your imagination with description and action is a lot more interesting and even sexy than straight out dirty talking. The above is actually a very good example of that. No one is really very interested in medical descriptions (unless you�re researching, like above!)
Q. I�m really embarrassed about all this. What should I do?
A. Oh, so now you�re embarrassed, huh? What about me? Well, if it�s really bothering you, don�t write it. Really. Detailed love scenes are more like icing than the actual cake- a nice touch, but if your cake is good enough, icing isn�t necessary. You can give hints about what happened (morning-after thoughts work really well). And remember, the most important thing is:
No love scene at all is better than a crappy love scene.
If you can�t do it properly and you don�t feel comfortable, don�t. It�s not necessary, and I�ll still come and read your work. Promise.
Still want to write some sexy stories? Good for you. We�ll move on then:
Q. You confuse me, Krajki. First I should write it, then I shouldn�t, then I should write it� make up your mind!
A. First, that�s not a question. Secondly, I�m not telling you whether to write it or not. That�s your choice. I�m merely trying to help you make educated decisions.
Q. Any parting shots, Kraj?
A. Yes. Unless you�re a terrible writer and erotica is the only draw to your work (and trust me, I don�t think anyone is really that bad), don�t make this some sort of super-powered shag-fest. If you want to turn people on, then you�re better off writing visual novels. The goal of sex scenes in a professional, polished piece of work is either:
1) To advance the plot. (i.e.: Boy meets Girl. Boy shags Girl. Girl gets pregnant and decides to stalk Boy.)
2) To develop character. (i.e.: Boy gets with Girl, but can�t get aroused because he�s homosexual. Or has erectile difficulties, or is too stressed out, or isn�t attracted to her anymore, etc.)
Don�t make love scenes for the sake of having love scenes. This is so important in writing! If something in your work, unless it�s the most glorious masterpiece of poetic prose you�ve ever written and makes Emily Dickinson look like a three-year-old with a crayon, doesn�t fit, then chuck it out!
The bottom line regarding the rule above:
If your characters need to be at a Tex-Mex bar in Moscow, but are throwing things at the Ayatollah Khomeini from their balconies and getting breast-implants and giving each other bad hair cuts, then you have a problem and you need to get back on track (if anyone writes or sees a story with all of the above in it, could they please, please send it to me?). Those little buggers you create are like dogs: If you don�t put them on a leash and let them sniff around in a small area, they go mad and run away and pee on the good rug (Note: there�ll be more on this rule in a future edition).
And on this note:
MALE PREGNENCY
Don�t do this, would you? This is one of those things that sends most of us running to the wastebasket. In some sleazy fanfiction you can get away with this, but unless you�re doing it for a giggle, just� don�t, okay?
(As seen in �The Novelist�s Notebook�)
Write a sex scene that�s occurring between two of your characters. Don�t have any that are �involved�? Well, you�re not getting away so easy! Write it was a fantasy, then. And be as explicit as you wish!
The book above, for the record, is not one of those books.
The book above, which was the biggest disappointment since Star Wars Episode I, is not a good book. I could probably write a whole epic on how bad it was, how the tense switched inexplicably, how Min never tried to show that, even though Jiang Quing was still a psycho capitalist murderer who got to do whatever she wanted because she was married to the most powerful man in China, she was also proud, shameless, and no worse than Mao. In fact, she robbed Quing of the only thing she has left: her frigging name!
As one reviewer on Amazon said: �If you had a friend who talked/wrote like this he/she would henceforth be referred to as "drama queen.��
On the other hand, it had its moments. Anchee Min shows what a harsh childhood can create in someone in a way I have not seen since Robert Service wrote Lenin�s biography.
And now I�ve run out of nice things to say.
This really is a very personal read. You love it or hate it. I, personally, didn�t like it, but that is me.
Rating: 2 out of 5 Red Krajkis.
Well, that�s all for today folks. Stay tuned next edition!
-El Kraja