This one time at band camp...
Inside Jokes and the Dumbest Stories You've Ever Heard ("this one time...at band camp")
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! The following most likely contain swear words because I cuss like a sailor. Some of the stories are also rated R because, hey what can I say, my friends and I do stupid stuff.
Key Terms and Places to be Familiar With
The Dam(N) - Yes there is a capital "N" in parenthesis on the end of it. The Dam(N) was built as a dedication to NATO by me and my friend Ariana. It is located in the woods inbetween our houses.
NATO - What IS NATO!?!? Ariana and I aren't sure. E-mail me if you ever figure it out. Whatever it is, we're it's #1 fans!
Ar - Short for Ariana Shah
Jam - another nickname for Ariana because Ryan can't remember her name. Neither can Jason - he calls her "Amica" though...
Meg - Short for Megan Wilson
Fat - Michelle Thompson's nickname; as is fat shelly and shelly
The Anti-Christ - Not meant to be sacreligious...well not really. The anti-christ is a large wooden blue 2 dimensional christmas tree which is covered in blue lights. It looms at the bottom of the large hill between Ariana's house and mine. We cry and run when we see it.
NYC - New York City; often the center of our antics cuz do you know how much shit you can do there?!
Tit Ornament - worn by Rachel Itle. A tit ornament is a pin.
Kitchen - Where women belong
Wells - the perfect place to put your new born baby (it's a joke so don't flip out...also i'm not to be held liable if ya reall do try this stuff!)
The Navy Blue Destiny - (AKA "The 'V' Van") The navy blue soccer mom mini van i drive. You can pack this puppy full of well over a dozen people.
The Dick Truck - My dad's truck which says "DICK CORPORATION" on the side
Possums - Scariest animal EVER! Rat tail, hell-bent shifty beady little eyes, and razor sharp teeth! Plus, they sleep upside down! How scary is that!?
BFE - Bum F*cked Egypt. The middle of nowhere.
STORY TIME
Note: to understand most of these and get the humor, you'd probably have to have been there...but feel free to read anyway.
THE LADY AT THE MALL
So Megan Wilson and I are sitting in Westmoreland Mall eating our McDonalds food. We're both fat asses so it works rather well. All of a sudden some lady with the biggest salad this side of the Mississippi walks up the stairs right by our table (we were sitting on that raise platform like thing w/ tables on it). Her 4inch heals snagged on one of the stairs and DOWN SHE GOES. Salad and dressing and croutons galore go flying. The floor is covered, the woman's pretty new business suit is also covered, not to mention the woman is laying in all this mess sprawled out in the middle of the mall.
Meanwhile, sitting two feet away, Meg and I have witnessed everything. But do we help her? OOOH NO. We sit there and just kinda look. After a 30 second pause during which the woman starts cussing up a storm as we hear "god dammit!!" and she throws bits of salad in a fit of rage, Megan looks at me and says "that woman just fell, or whatever."
The Dam(N)
It is July..or June or August of 1999. Ariana Shah and I were dragged kicking and screaming, quite literally, to the Beech Hills neighborhood picnic. Surrounded by fake smiling people competing to see who has the best maintined lawn and who prepared the best macaroni salad, the adults engage in talking, completely ignoring us...Except when we got near the beer cooler - then they told us to go sit down...
ANYWAY - Ariana and I took a seat at the "kids" picnic table (it was thus designated because it was notably smaller than the others...in fact it nearly tipped over when we sat down). Soon we were joined by an obnoxious little female british child of approximately 5 years of age. She began talking in an annoying british accent about "kirana's" in the movie Tarzan. (We can only assume she meant piranas)
Because Ariana and I hate children in general, and this one in particular, we proceded to explain to her that we are Russian spies who are going to blow up the ENTIRE world, with the exception of Smokey Bear. In a fit of tears she asked "why why why." To which we laughed... When her mother came over to investigate she yelled "GO AWAY MOM! I'm having a play date with the TEENAGERS!!!"
By this point ariana and I had had enough. We took off running down the street like bats out of hell. Soon we came upon a path into the woods between our two houses. We took it and followed it along the creek until we stumbled upon an unusually tranquil and beautiful spot. This is where we selected to build a dam and dedicate it to NATO. (Thus the 'N' on the end of "Dam(N)".) As NATO's number one fans, we dragged trees down to the bank and dammed the creek relatively well. We threw in rocks and sticks, plus some of the trees were so large that when i hit ariana on the leg with one by accident she had a huge bruise wrapping the whole way around her leg for nearly 2 months. Also, we ended the day with mosquito bites and mild poison ivy...woops...
Under a designated "sacred" spot underneath the roots of one particular tree, we found a mysterious pile of foam...We still aren't sure what it was, but it was clearly a natural phenomenon. Thus the Dam(N) took on the name "Foam Pile Dam(N)". We consider the dam(N) a temple build on hallow ground and NO ONE, we mean NO ONE else has ever seen it or will ever. It is something only we share. To this day we still visit it regularly and bring sacrificial pieces of bread to its banks.
On one particular occasion, which i cannot recall why, Ariana and I started flipping out...as we are prone to do. We threw sticks at eachother [NOTE: we were doing this all in fun] and Ariana ripped up half the dam(N) in the process. She even ripped out the flower we planted and threw that. In the end, we were both drenched in the creek.
When we returned on another day the dam(N) was destroyed! Completely obliterated. It was such a huge natural structure it must have actually dammed the creek, and the owners of the property ripped it out because it was interfering with nature or some shit. BUT that's ok cuz we rebuilt that sucker and made it bigger and better than before. The Dam(N) lives on!!!
Also, just recently Ar and I found another smaller Dam near it! This is called the "Baby Dam" [NOTE: to be said in a Western Accent]
The Guys at the Club
Club Cabana: back in the day before it became the center of 99% of the violence that occurs around Westmoreland County, I used to go here with my friends. While chillin' at the bar, Ariana and I were approached by a particularly hideous pair of wanna-be players. We covered our faces and tried to keep from laughin as they tried us. "Hey ladies." They began with oh-so-practiced-yet-pathetic style. "Would you like to dance."
They continued begging us as we continued inventing excuses. These ranged from "we're 12-years-old" to "we're lesbians" and "um yeah...fuck off." None of these, however, seemed to make them want to leave...in fact they seemed now more interested than ever.
Finally Ar and I were forced to resort to drastic measures. We went on a tangent about how we build Kennywood and it's our life. Soon, the only response they received was "we built Kennywood!" no matter what the question. It took them a good 10-20 minutes of this, but they finally left.
Poking Road Kill
Everyone can relate to the times you're just cruising around with your pals well after kerfew. The stereo is blastin', you're all hanging out the windows and screaming, stop signs and traffic lights are as good as invisible, and not once does the car travel less than 80.
Well this started as a ride like any other. Megan driving, me sitting shotgun, and Ariana in the back seat behind me. Returning from a party at our friend's house, a possum darts across this road in the middle of bum fucked egypt. We're talking no street lights, so it's pitch black. Meg slams on the breaks cuz that creepy bastard was as good as dead, but we still felt bad.
We all get out of the car and cautiously approach a black spot in the middle of the road. Ariana gingerly reaches out and pokes the spot with the toe of her shoe. Wheretofore we all scream bloody murder although we noted at this moment that it was nothing more than an asphault splot that lay in the middle of the road.
Laughing nervously, we stood there joking about the asphault and we realized we didn't even hit the possum after all! At this point my eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as I announced, "Guys...we didn't hit it... THat disgruntled possum is STILL OUT THERE!! OMG what if it comes back for us!?"
A split second later we were all safe in Megan's car with doors locked as we carefully checked under our seats for a plotting possum.
To this day it is still out there...watching...waiting...
Stopping 3 Lanes of Traffic with a Stubby
Ok so I'm up at Boston U. for orientation having the time of my life. Well my friends and I hear about this "Mike's Pastries" place - which is ONLY open till 11pm. Needless to say it's already 9:30 and we need to take the subway the whole way then get off and go a few more blocks.
Well we get to our stop and tear out of the station like there's no tomorrow and John, Mike and I are sprinting ahead of the group through the streets of Boston looking for this place. Of course, we're all new to the area, so we get lost like 195 times. BUT we finally make it.
We arrive to find a woman puking her guts out in front of the store and a man taking pictures of the whole thing (good times, good times). So we all stocked up on pastries (except me - i'm all about ice cream so I got that).
So we're heading home and pass an all night bakery on the way. Since Mike and John seem to have a fetish with bread - we stopped in. WOW, bread galore. So everybody chipped in and we got two loaves (one called a "Stubby").
As we head back to the subway station, I dont particularly feel like waiting for all the cars. So I run into the middle of three lanes of traffic screaming "LADY WITH A LOAF" as I brandish it over my head. The cars all stop and stare as a man yells out the car window "Hey, its saturday!" And something to the extent that indicated he thought my friends and I were clearly drunk.
We finally got back to Warren Towers (after Casey got yelled at for trying to sneak past the ticket collector woman on the subway) and enjoyed the "Last Supper".
THIS is why I can't wait for college to start in the fall.