Rene: Don't talk about Em that way! She's as pure as the driven slush!

Jehovah's Witness*: [nastily] I guess I was right about the Catholics.
Em: Yup. I'd love to stay and chat, but I should really get back to my puppy-kickin', baby-eatin', pedophilic, idolatrous devil worship now. Thanks for the pamphlet.
*Let it be known that I have nothing against Jehovah's Witnesses. This one just happened to pretty much start the conversation by saying I was going to Hell because I was Catholic. Yeah. Not wise. Hence my snarkiness.

Topher: [to Bethany during Beer Pong] Hey, Drunky McSlut, move that way!

Dustin (a friend who dated a much younger girl): Ah, 6 and 9, my lucky numbers.
Em: You don't seem to have a problem with 14 and 15 either.

Bethany: I need more Em in my life."
Em: Kinda like every good movie has to have a really good sex scene. I'm the sex scene of life.

Jo: They're sorta like a stack of pictures. I don't want to look at them unless I'm in them or people are having sex.

Topher: It's almost like a date. I groped you in the theatre!
Em: Well, that was a given.

Pure Romance Party Sentence Game: You went [on a fantasy vacation] with Sean Connery...and when you left he said "Thanks for the clap."

Charlene: Throwing that in his face felt so good, it was such a release, it might as well have been an orgasm.

Em: You know...after a while...sushi kind of tastes like ass...

Em: [on Cassie's red hair dye] But it won't match the curtains!

Becca: [She worked at a food court on campus] Some guy asked how my tuna tastes. I was like "um...I haven't actually tried that yet. Em: Excuse me, miss? This tuna tastes like a vagina.

Em: [on eel-fish in the pet department at Meijer] They look like the sperm from Look Who's Talking.

Maddie: [on Cassie's pompon thong] It looks like you're shitting small rabbits.

Em: Bitch.
Kenzie: Whore.
Em: Slut.
Kenzie: Goodnight you boar!
Em: ...boar...
Kenzie: Bane of my existance!
Em: Thorn in my side!
Kenzie: May you never wake.
Em: May the maggots of your dark grave...ah, fuck it.
Kenzie: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA.

Em: [pre-store-trip] Dad, do you love me?
Fajah: Yeah, but I'm not going to buy you anything.
Em: *pouts*
Em: [post-store-trip] *climbs out of car with 24-pack of Coke while Fajah is working in the pole barn* Fine, I went and got my own pop.
Fajah: I would have gotten some for you.
Em: *storms inside, sees mom* Your husband's kind of a dick.
Majah: Yeah.

Margo: [she has issues with fruit on desserts] How come you guys got done eating so fast?
Courtney: 'Cause you spent fricking twenty minutes wiping the fricking fruit off the fricking cheesecake!

Discussion of an e-mail featuring supposed rape deterrants.
Margo: Apparently, if you go "STOP" *holds up hand* they will.
Em: Make eye contact. Because if they know that you'll be able to pick them out of a lineup, they'll stay away too.
Margo: Keys are too small to be effectively used as weapons.
Em: Umbrellas work. Nothing wards away rapists like thin fabric stretched over snappible metal wires.
Margo: And always yell fire, not rape.
Em: Because if you scream "Help me! I'm being raped!", innocent passerbys may mistake it for good clean fun.
Margo: Ponytails are easy targets for rapists to grab. As is long hair.
Em: So therefore we should shave our heads. Not only will there be nothing to grab, but the rapists will think we're men and not go after us anyway.
Margo: Hair color has not been ruled as a factor.

Steve: [is convinced her heard the tornado siren] Are you sure you guys didn't hear anything about it?
Megan: No.
Courtney: It's not even windy, steve.
Margo: Or stormy-looking.
Steve: Yeah? What are those over there then? *points*
[rediculously long silence]
Em: Clouds?

Em: *pulling on a sweatshirt only to find it sideways* Well...shit...

Fajah: *watching the game* Can we eat in the living room?
Majah: NO!
Fajah: *won't come to the kitchen cuz he's still watching the game*
Em: *drags Fajah to the kitchen* I could be writing an extremely exciting paper on eastern theatre, but I'm eating with the family. Learn to sacrifice, Dad. [yes, I was being sarcastic, thanks.]

Kenzie: [during our "Behind the Music" skit-type thing on the "I feel like chicken tonight" commercial] And then Little Sally, the newest addition to the cast, said "NO! I WANT BEEF!"
Em: She ate pork for breakfast.
Kenzie: They calmed her with bacon bits.
Em: Not even real ones. The cheap bastards gave her Bac-O's.
Kenzie: Oh God, why?!
Em: She choked to death on a Bac-O.
Kenzie: It was a devastating loss.
Em: Her last words were "I love veal, not chicken"

Em: I lost five pounds.
Majah: How?
Em: Walking to classes.
Majah: Really? Wow! Your metabolism must be really high. You know...when you move.

Robin (my theatre prof): [on the overhead projector] I discovered yesterday that if I press all the buttons [on the remote], something will pop up.

Girl in Theatre 101: So, does that huge blinding glare on the screen add to the theatrical emphasis?

Marley (Em's little sis): My science teacher is 37 years old.
Em: Okay.
Marley: He's been around the sun 37 times.
Em: Good job, Marley.
Haley: *blinks*
Marley: ...who do you think will be the next person in this car to say something really stupid?

Mr. Sawyer (high school band teacher): [watching Jo and Em play Halo] She's coming up behind ya, Denni Jo. OH GOD! THERE SHE IS! THERE SHE IS! GET HER!

Mr. Brill (high school band teacher numero dos): So Shawn is trying to hook up with a freshman?
Wes: Yeah.
Dustin: Who's the other chick he likes?
Wes: Jessica.
Mr. Brill: *Makes face*
Em: Yeah, well, Shawn's not very picky.
Mr. Brill: As long as it has two legs.
Me: Even three.
Dustin: A handicapped dog?

Wes: My call was lost! [sadly] ...I hope they find it...

Wes: Quit rubbing my leg!
Dustin: I wasn't rubbing, I was caressing.

Em: [to Kenzie, on Terra] We won't sleep with pillows for fear she'll smother us.

Kenzie: Did you happen to see a psychotic blue car honking at you by Fred's?
Em: Yes I did...I didn't know it was Pazzi 'til I looked back and could see through the back window.
Kenzie: We drove by and I'm like...hey...Wes has long hair...better check it out. Then by the time mom pulled a u-turn after the light you already pulled out.
Em: Are you serious?
Kenzie: My body doesn't realize I died of a heart attack yet.

Em: [subtly hinting to Fajah that she'd like a new cellphone]My word, would you look at this remarkable phone? This is truly amazing! Too cool! Dad, LOOK at this masterpiece of technology!

Majah: I asked Roz if she was still going to come visit us when you were away at college, and you know what she said?
Em: What?
Majah: No! And do you know why?
Em: Why?
Majah: Because we're black.
Once again...not a bigot. The humor is found because my parents are very, very white.

Em: Roz doesn't like French kissing.
Kenzie: It's so gross!
Majah: Not always. Maybe the guy you did it with was just really bad.
Em: Yeah. Was he going like this? [Acts like she's swallowing someone else's head while moving her tongue in insanely disgusting movements] Yeah, 'cause that's wrong.

Em: [In band room, taking off sweatshirt so Allison could massage my pulled shoulder muscle]
Mr. Sawyer: [stops conducting and looks]
Band: [Stops playing because Sawyer stopped and looks at me stripping]
Em: DON'T LOOK AT ME, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!

Kevin (drummer): [Whilst marching outside] How am I supposed to do this in my stillettos?

Wes: [In my room because he came to see me] Hi.
Em: Hi.
Wes: [Walks over to the bed where I am sitting]
Em: Don't I get a hug?
Wes: No. I came to see my Bootsie. [Pushes me off the bed and snuggles up with my cat]

Em: Yeah, Satan called, he wants his ice skates back.
Majah: Sissy, stop talking to Lucifer...

Kenzie: AMAZOOOOOOOONNNNNNN! [leaps over tiny stream of water in parking lot]

Blue-Painted Shirtless Guy at Rainy/Cold GVSU Football Game: Oh I know why I'm cold now! My socks fell down! [pulls them up] I'm so SILLY!

Topher: [to Em] You're a silly bitch.

Marley: JOHNNY CASH! [used as a curse in place of "Jesus Christ!"]

Kenz won a little award graphic from a website, and used it as her MSN icon...
Kenzie: The first thing that comes to your mind right now is?! NOW. TELL ME. NOW. TOO SLOW. SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY IT.
Em: Why is Kenz flaunting her freaking award.
Kenzie: Ok, good.

At a football game...
Kenzie: OH WHAD WE DO WHAD WE DO?!
Em: HOMERUN!!!!
Kenzie: GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAL!

Em: You brazen hussy!

Apparently, at some point, Kenzie, Wes, Dustin and Em were planning on living together...
Kenzie: The place will always be a huge ass mess and reek of Starburst and Cheetos.
Em: And I'll end up cleaning it all up.
Wes: We'll have it all piled in the center of the room.
Kenzie: I'll leave a flower on it for you.
Em: Thanks, Kenzie.

Majah: [In regards to Marley's class project in which they had to pretend to create these adult lives] Why would Jacob give up a perfect daughter when his wife is a lesbian?

Em: Don't call me an angel again. I cried so much I dehydrated.

Kenzie: Yeah, we get to raise a chicken in Animal science.
Em: That's cool.
Kenzie: Then we have to kill it.
Em: That's sad.
Kenzie: I'm gonna name it dead-meat.
Em: You should name it McNugget.

Topher: We need Jesus.

Jo: [on prostitutes] They're there because people want them! They're not like antique street lamps, just pretty to look at!

Cassie: Those aren't prostitutes, Denni Jo, those are fifth graders!

Cassie: I almost hit Bethany today.
Jo: With your car? Bitchslap? The old prostitute backhand?

Kenzie: If [Em's cast] smells, I'm not wearin' it.
Em: You smell, and I wear you!

Burns: Tell you what, the day comes where zombies start walking, I'll be the asshole at the front lines with a propane tank and an oar.

Cassie: [describing her dream] And then, Paula Abdul had to go save them!

Em: Thad, I need you to know that I inherited my grandma's squirrel-shootin' rifle. And I'll likely use it. From my kitchen window. With a Coors and a Pall Mall in the other hand. Just like Gramma used to do.

Burns: [To Thad] Besides, I'm taking it upon myself to throw you the best damn bachelor party ever. Can anyone say 'midget body shots'?

Cassie: [whilst driving back from Meijer] Good thing you turned that blinker on, buddy, or else you would have had a Cassie in your ass!
Em: Ass-Cassie is bad.
Jo: Cassie had herself in her ass once, and it wasn't pretty.

Kenzie is trying to cheer up an uncharacteristically Emo!Em...
Em: I need to go to England, find myself a Brit, and smuggle him back here.
Kenzie: ...that's reasonable.
Em: Good. I'm booking my ticket.
Kenzie: Swim. You'll crawl onto shore, soaked and soggy, screaming "GIMME A MEN." It won't be desperate at all. They'll FLOCK. Most will be in white coats, but they'll FLOCK.


Kenzie: [Whilst driving down every road in GR and seeing women on corners] HOOKERS.

Driving around in downtown GR... Em: [dog barks] CUJO! [looks out window] Oh my God, it's a border collie...
Kenzie: I'm surprised it's not a chihuahua with a neck cone.

At the gas station...after driving around the station three times looking for an open pump...
Kenzie: [almost hits a car] BITCH.
Em: Why didn't you pull in to that pump?!
Kenzie: I PANICKED. BITCH THREW OFF MY GROOVE.

Em: Kenz. Kenz. Kenz. Oh my God. Kenz. ...I don't have any quarters...
Kenzie: Ima kill you.

Kenzie: [on Mikey's voicemail] Mikey, we're not coming to Chicago, because I'm killing Em. It'll be messy.

Kenzie: [Whilst driving in a bad part of town] HOOKER.
Em: I haven't even SEEN anyone that looks like a hooker.
Kenzie: I've seen forty.

Kenzie: [to Em] I have never wanted to choke you so badly.

Em: We don't have any cute little pet names for each other.
Kenzie: Texas and Roadhouse.
Em: Can I be Roadhouse?
Kenzie: Yeah. I'm dry and flat, and you get lots of truckers.

Excerpts from Burns' character James St. Iliad Buttersworth III:
[on dolphins] I hate you, you useless fucking fish.
[on platypus..es...platypusi?] You're a beaver, a weasel, and a duck. Pick one, you fucking pussy.
[on warthogs] I have a certain respect for warthogs. They remind me of my mother-in-law. Anything that ugly should be kept alive purely for shits and giggles.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, AND I SHOT IT.

Em: [upon opening trunk after shopping and revealing a million bags of merchandise] Oh, fuck me sideways!

Professor R. Hendershot: Everyone knows that rock met achieved perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact, people!

Professor R. Hendershot: [on Ted Nugent] Only a Michiganian could write a twenty-minute rock song about bow hunting.

Sarah: [on the fact that she gave her cat to a shelter that was next to a Chinese restaurant] They'd better not have made her into egg foo young. I HATE egg foo young.

Kenzie: [in regards to her car being clean] Did you see my backseat?
Marley: I'm pretty sure everyone's seen your backseat.

Burns: There will be Halo when you come back. So much so, the next time you sit down to supper, you'll pick up your fork and you'll see the message "Hold X to swap for Spoon."

Marley: [ever the bastion of modesty] Man, I wish I had time to put my contacts in, because I look amazing.

Kenzie: [whilst intoxicated] How DARE you. I don't drink.
Em: [falls off chair laughing]

Em: Do you smell vinegar? Because I see a douchebag!

On our characters at Code of the Brethren... Rachel: I have too many sailors in me. It can't be healthy.
Em: Must be tiring. *snickers*
Rachel: I could've said seamen. Then we would've been in trouble. Baby trouble.

Em: My pants say "pink" on the butt. Rebecca: Wait...do they say "pink" on the butt, or "pink on the butt?"

Marley: [sees a man in church that looks like Dwight from "The Office"] Dwight Shrute! It's a rare sighting. Look at him...acting like we don't know who he is...

On a historically inaccurate application at Code...
Em: Sort her like this: "Cap'n eyes your sweater, and wonders if you're very hot wearing such a thing in Tortuga, which is near Jamaica. He then wonders why you're wearing a sweater, because THEY DON'T EXIST IN 1730. He promptly takes out a machete and decapitates you. Congratulations! You've been sorted to Hell."
Kenzie: Don't tempt me.

Prof. R. Hendershot: Here's my theory. Bingo is Zen. Everything around you disappears, and all you have to focus on is B32.

Majah: Lemme finish my smoke, and I'll plug the grease back in. Gotta feed my babies.

Kenzie: [on a frozen sauce packet that came with her onion peels] I like my sauce easy and dethawed, just like my men.

Jo: [in a voicemail to Em after she moved out of the apartment] EMILY. YOU LEFT YOUR CAPTAIN MORGAN HERE. YOU LEFT. THE CAPTAIN. ON. THE COUNTER. So...are you gonna come get him, or is my stomach adopting him?

Rachel: [on Elizabeth Swann] FUCK LIZ. IN THE LOUNGE. WITH THE LEAD PIPE.

Em: [is explaining something about Harry Potter, and mentions "prefects."]
Thad: ...did you just call them prefects?
Em: ...yeah...that's what they're called.
Thad: Oh my God...I thought it was "perfects." I've been calling them that for five years...
Em: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Thad: ...I think I need to sit down...

Em: [on Terra being coatless in November] And then you'll get pneumonia and then you'll die. That's not fun!

Em: Roz, Boots was sitting on your notebook.
Kenzie: What are you implying there, cat?

Terra: I don't have sudden urges to rape people! [jumps Gen]

Em: [as The Squirrelinator] BEEP! Earth date January 25, 2099. We have traveled back in time to save Kenzie from the vicious rabid squirrels. If I have to tear the universe another black hole, I'm going to save her. I've...GOT TO, MISTER! BEEP!

Em: I want a monkey.
Emily: Why? You've got me!

Cassie: What the crap?!

Em: [playing Sorry with her family and losing in a bad way] This is crap. This is complete crap.
Later...

Em: [wins] HA! I WON! BUAHAHAHAHA. SUCKERS.

Terra: [on Em buying the Bible in Milleniumopoly] What the hell? You're spending $350 on a book?!

Kenzie: [playing a game in which you have to point out everything that starts with the letter H] How could you not see the hermaphrodite? It's the first thing I saw!

Playing Catchphrase...
Terra: It like an otter.
Em: Seal?
Terra: No.
Ally: Walrus?
Terra: No.
Em: Sea lion?
Terra: No. Time's up!
Ally: What is it?
Terra: A porpoise.
Em: A porpoise isn't like a sea otter! It's like a dolphin, you blonde twit!

Again, Catchphrase...
Terra: Okay, it's a big, flightless bird, like an ostrich. Starts with the 7th letter of the alphabet.
Em: G? Umm...the only animal I can think of is a gnu, but that's not a bird...
Terra: That's it!
Em: A gnu is like an ox, you moron! That's it, you can't play anymore! [Takes the Catchphrase machine]

Kenzie: [on Boots] Oh my God, he's showing affection! Take a picture!

Alison: [on her boyfriend] Yeah, he likes cock, and I don't know why.

Kenzie: [watching the boys play a D&D-esque game] I bet if you threw a steak into the middle of them, there'd be blood.

Burns: Oh my God, it's like CAKE.

Burns: Why'd she have to come over and blow up my Hiroshima?

Burns: [chasing roommate around with dirty nasty hands] Gonna put another tampon on my bed now?
Em: GO WASH YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW.
Burns: SHIT. [runs away]

Burns: I swear to God I'll make her shit in the garden like the dog she is.

Burns: Tell her we had to plunge it because it was becoming a sentient being. Give it another day and it'll start to communicate.

Burns: And then she had to come over and destroy my world with but a pucker.

Em: [getting stabbed pathetically by Mikey in Halo] You just Bootstrapped my Norrington!

Allison S: I'm not giving birth because I'm allergic to painkillers, and my nephew had a 17 cm head.
Erika: Oh my God, that's like Christina Ricci!

Nemec: My dick is so big it threw a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.

Burns: [to Sully, upon his claim that Em was his mistress] Can't I import someone from another state without you cocktagging them?

Burns: [to Sully] You have a dick like a monkey!
Em: ...it jumps around a lot? Is that what you're trying to get at?
Nemec: Yeah! And flings poo!

Em: Mikey. Are you missing something?
Burns: [looks around in confusion]
Em: MICHAEL JAMES BLAZE PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON BEFORE I FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.

RJ: [to Em] I will put on a uniform and hump the stupid right off your face!

Majah: You've still got a bunch of beer in the fridge!
RJ: Shut up, you lying whore!

RJ: [to Em] Do NOT listen to Steven! I don't care if he puts on a Marine's uniform and starts quoting Norrington!

RJ: *throws bottle cap which hits Majah's car* Oh shit...
Majah: ...did you just hit my car?
RJ: *cowers under her glare* No? But my penis just shrank two inches...

Thad: That's recockulous!

Aunt Linda: I don't lie, I just don't remember everything.
Uncle Bruce: Maybe we should spike our beer with gingko.


Em: Ungh, I wanna marry Prince Harry.
Majah: I hear he's got a bit of a wandering eye.
Em: So? If he just lets me mack on his brother once in a while, he can do whatever the hell he wants!

Em: Lookie what I'm getting! *shows Rachel a bento box*
Rachel: It's a box of lunch. ...is the box of lunch going to help?

RJ: [driving] Move, jackass!
Kenzie: RJ, don't be a jerk.
RJ: I wasn't being a jerk!
Em: Yeah, because he's only a jerk if they HEAR him call them jackasses.

While guessing what was in an oddly-shaped suitcase...Em guessed a keytar...
Kenzie: It's probably a person. Some guy's gonna come up and we're gonna ask, and he's gonna be like "That's my wife's ashes!"
Em: And I'll say, "Oh, I'm sorry...but did she play the keytar?"

Discussing Kenzie's car-turned-Transformer...
RJ:He's a Decepticon! Autobots can't have pimp canes!

On RJ, who was smoking a cigarette in a very hot manner...
Em: It's like Keifer [Sutherland] and Jack Davenport had a baby! And it was RJ!

Code Member: Chocolate cake shots? Those exist?
Em: I don't know, but that's baked goods and liquor we're talking about. All we need to do is pour it on Jack Davenport and I'll be one happy woman.

Vi: Have you guys heard about that vibrator those Japanese people made that you can plug into an iPod or phone? I don't know whether to be disgusted or start saving up.

Dawn: [On why George Clooney was not included in her "Five Celebrities You'd Hump" list] There is no need to ever actually include him in a List of any kind--it is understood that he is here for your panties, and you will just happily hand them over.

Kenz: [upon spilling some beer on her lap] Great, now I've got beer and Coke in my crotch. I'm like Lindsay Lohan.

Jen (Em's co-worker): It is hot in here. Wanna go in the beer cooler and take your clothes off? Because I just did.

Dawn: [on meeting Hugh Jackman] Had I not been helping to hold my very sick friend up, I would have vaulted myself onto his dick.

Professor Ihrman: And what is the greatest American novel of all time?
Em: [who has taken this class once already] Moby Dick.
Professor Ihrman: Emily passes. The rest of you should wail and gnash your teeth.

Professor Snyder: [upon overhearing a strange conversation between students] I regret that we won�t be able to discuss squirrel sex. As a historian I can study anything I want. So I could easily become a historian of squirrel sex.

Professor Jones: Emily, who were the rioters, and why were they upset?
Em: I...er...um...
Professor Jones: EMILY, WHO WERE THE RIOTERS, AND WHY WERE THEY UPSET?
Em: I DON'T KNOW.
Professor Jones: IRISH AND GERMAN CATHOLIC IMMIGRANTS.
Em: Ohhhh...did someone take their whiskey?

Professor Jones: Emily has taken one of my classes before, you see. I don't know why she came back.
Em: Blatant and obscene masochism?

Burns: [on the topic of Transformers] Bumblebee circa '86 or now?
Em: You know, I'm not sure? Because he was steeped in awesome back then, of course. But the [new] movie was the first time I'd EVER been sexually attracted to a car.
Burns: Hmmm...
Em: Yeah, exactly.
Burns: Oh by the way, I shit my pants with LOL's over here. Sexually attracted to a car?
Em: Dude, I would've tapped that trunk.

Burns: Baby, it�s too early for such talk. You naughty little breakfast sausage.

Burns: Baby, no one pumps a bilge quite like you, you sultry little sandcrab.

Em: We don�t just swear like sailors, you know�
Burns: We may swear like one, but don�t forget we also knock a headboard like a sailor on leave.

Em: We don�t just shiver your timbers, we make them forget that they were once a tree.

Burns: [on Em being piratically seductive] No worries. It�s not your fault you get me waves all choppy.

Bradley: Nobody likes a dry anus.

RJ: I pooped once.

RJ: NO! CHILI! ON MY COCK!

Andrew: Oops, I have to change my tampon. And by tampon, I mean a rope I threw around a sheep.

Caitlyn: HA! I MADE A FUNNY. [holds out hand for acknowledgement]

Caitlyn: Your mom. OHHHHHHH!
Andy: ...you don't "OH" your own joke.

Andy: I want a chicken fah-jie-ta.

LaVa: Why don't you go grow a penis? Maybe someone will want you.

Em: Knock, knock.
Andrew: Who's there?
Em: Completely uncalled for.
Andrew: Completely unca--
Em: [punches him in the arm]
Andrew: AH! THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR!

Em: Pop, they keep calling me a hooker!
Warren: Aw, honey, you're not a hooker. You're a slut.

Beth: What's a rim job?
Kristen: It's like....tuckuslingus...

Kristen: He didn't like my [lower back] tattoo. He wanted me to get it removed.
Em: Psh. I'd just tell him to flip me over.

Hot Wings: If you don't agree with me, you're an idiot and nobody loves you.

In Code's CBox...somehow we got on the topic of magic staffs...
Em: Are you kidding? I'm not handing out magical staffs to you people! Are you crazy?! ....don't answer that. Because I already know the answer. Which is why I'm not giving you magical staffs.
Damian: Dreams crushed! 9999 DAMAGE.
Em: PWNED.
Toby: Okay, respect for Em just diminished for using that word.

Professor Ihrman: I learned a new word yesterday: clubbing. At first I was appalled. I thought it meant my students were doing unspeakable acts regarding baby seals.

In a trivia game at a bar...
DJ: Name this politician. [shows a picture]
Em: He looks like Orville Redenbacher.
DJ: [later revealing the answer] It is Paul Simon.
Em: Well...I bet he likes popcorn?

Same night, on Em not identifying John Paul Jones from a picture...
Kenz: Aren't you a history minor?
DJ: WHAT?!

Andrew: I'M A MONKEHHHHHHH.

Kaci: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahaha....that was dumb.

Lava: Her hair was like....FAJAM.

Em: [feeling underneath Kaci's car seat for her cellphone] UNNNNHHHHH I FEEL IT.

Cast: What the Who?

Cast: Holy Schmitz!

Mackenzie: [To Em as the Cat] I HATE YOU.

Andy: [trying to find a texture in Walmart that weirds him out] OOOH. CRAFTS AND FABRICS.

Andy attempting to use a pick-up line on a waitress. Keep in mind that the response he was hoping for was "No," so that he could say "Would you like some?"
Andy: Hey, do you have any Irish in you?
Janelle: A little.
Andy: ...would you like some more?
Em: OH. NICE RECOVERY. *high fives*

Andy: [gets insulted, takes steak knife, stabs the balloon next to him, places knife back onto table, and takes a drink, all while glaring at Lava]

Andy: [Getting a text message] Ooh, my pants are vibrating. Where's Janelle?

Andy: [In the Kip voice] Sex.

Lava, Andy, Kaci, Em, Tura: "Would ya get me the spatula?" "We need some Crisco!" "Eeeerrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaaakkkkkkkk." ...no, you don't want to know the topic of conversation. Trust me.

Maddie: I like cottage cheese in my fuh-jie-tah.

Cassie: I call it crottage cheese.
Em: It's crottalicious!

Cassie and Andy creating the ad campaign for Crottage Cheese brand cottage cheese...
Cassie: I'm gonna try my Crottage Cheese in my fuh-jie-tah!
Andy: I'm gonna try it in your fuh-jie-tah too!

Cassie: [to the waitress while ordering drinks] Can I have a cherry?
Em: She lost hers.

Julia (our tech director's 3-year-old): OH SNAP!

Benny: [seeing David pull out a wad of cash] Holy crap! What kind of drugs do you sell?
David: Ca-RACK.

Lava: Don't you hate it when Jake talks?

Lava: Say it. SAY IT.
Keturah: YOU'RE A BITCH AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
Lava: ...did you just say 'hell?'

Keturah: IHATEYOUGODIE.

Random cast members (usually Lava and Em): NO. WE'RE FIGHTING.

Em: [to Bruce who had just walked in] We're talking about how shy I am.
John: Yeah, like when she flashes everyone on stage.
Em: Hey, I haven't done that, I wear a tux in this show! ...that was "Little Shop."
Bruce: Yeah, we saw a lot of her in that show. Lots of flashing. Quite nice though. They should be in the Smithsonian.
Greg: But are they authentic?
Em: OH. NO. WE'RE FIGHTING. [storms off]

Cassie: [on a woman who was entirely tone-deaf] Why do you keep giving her a microphone?
Dave the Karaoke Guy: Well, I try to help the handicapped whenever I can...

Cassie: [on being in a hot tub with guys from our high school years ago] Spencer was there too, but he had a beard then. I was like "NO! STAY OVER THERE, JESUS."

On men that last too long in bed (yes, they exist)...
Em: Are you done? Are you done? I'll jack you off. Are you done?
Cassie: STOP HUMPING ME.

Bethany: Let's go out to the bushes. I want to see your weiner.

Em: I don't like him! Did I give off that vibe or something?
Bethany: You were friendly. Means you wanna get them tight little Wranglers off.

Em: [on making a potential booty call] If I chicken out, I'll just give him a blowjob.

Em: I hope Terry goes to prison.
Bethany: So someone else can take those tight little Wranglers off.
Em: He won't be tight for long.


Cassie: What'd they name the kid?
Em: Michael.
Bethany: Did you say 'Bagel?!'
Em and Cassie: Yeah. Bagel Chubb.

Em: If he wasn't gay I'd have him on his back in a minute.

Cassie: [on lack of menstruation] I thought I'd just stick a tampon up there just for fun.

Bethany: Do you know how much my fingers have been in that packet?

Cassie: He didn't salt my rim!

Cassie: OH. Jason is Stouting you!

Bethany: I think there's be more peace in the world if there were more chocolate titties.

Cassie: Stop making me laugh! I might throw up!

Cassie: If I join his Going Away Facebook group, will he go away?

Punky: [on Heather's green sweatshirt] Don't you just wanna cut her up and stick her in a Corona?

Matt: [pausing as he reached for Cassie's empty glass] She's weird. She's probably still drinking that.

Cassie: OOH. BREAD.

On the dangers of Catholicism... Cassie: Remember when I gave up potatoes?
Bethany: I think you murdered somebody that Lent...

Andy: That was a Bruce Lee move. You're gonna be dead in three hours.

Kenz: [playing Champions of Norrath, in which you can name your character...] Oh, Audrenal Gland, you naughty girl. [Special Note: Em's character was named Asphyxia Deth.]

Em: My ass went retarded.

Professor G. Hendershot: [points to self after pushing back due date] Nicest person EVER.

The following three quotes were uttered during a very intense Halo match between Em, Kenz, and RJ...
Kenz: Kat Thomas [(Em)] took the lead? What the fuck?!

Kenz: Know who I haven't seen in a while?
Em: [as she hides with a sniper rifle] .......who?

RJ: [attempting to use the Elephant] It'd be faster if we pushed. EVERYONE OUT AND PUSH. SOMEONE MAN A TURRET.

Matt: Wanna see my conch?

Matt: [on Conchy, the clown doll made of shells] If you hold him up to your ear, you can hear his soul.

Matt: [to a random metrosexual guy's girlfriend] Oh...it's just a phase, honey.

Matt: [to a random couple as he drove by] YOU'LL GET FAT AND HE WON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

Matt: [laughing at his own half-told joke hysterically] I'm laughing...because I'm there...and you're not...but when I get there...you're gonna laugh...

Matt's ingenious pregnancy advice for a pregnant friend...
"If you were on top, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant. Gravity."
"Pregnant women can't swim. The baby will drown."
"If she's out past midnight, her baby will curdle."

David Hasselhoff: [on America's Got Talent, to a very good-looking singer] At first, this crowd was all cheering for you to get off [the stage].
Majah: I was cheering to help him get off.
Fajah: HEY.
Majah: I'd probably get off too.
Fajah: HEEEEEEEEY.

Em: He bent Marley's taffy! Out of SPITE.

Em: Oh, just put it in, baby. I've had a drink. [I was referring to a karaoke request slip whilst speaking to Andy...Warren only heard this bit...]

Lava: I AM FIVE FEET OF BAD, BITCH.

Em: [to Erik and Baby Bishop] Oh, what, you're gonna gang up on me now?
Eric: [lecherously] Ooh, do you want us to gang up on you?
Em: If that's what it takes to make sex with you good, go ahead.
Eric: Oh, I'm guaranteed to disappoint in five minutes or less.

Em: [to the manager] Steve! Eric keeps calling me easy!
Steve: [completely serious] Well, stop sleeping around.

Andy: I wet myself...............no, seriously, I'm damp.

Mario: I'M FRICKIN' WONDER WOMAN.

Meghean: [on anime] I don't like variety, I like kinky sex!

Loren: [on himself] What's the fag with the tight jeans doing up here again?

Mikey: Ken, you're looking sexy!
Ken: Yeah, I made love to myself three times on the way here.

Meghean: ...you and your FUCKING LOGIC.

Em: [after a horrible shift on May 5th] More like Cinco de Assrape.

Damian: Dude, we got mad ketchup. It's in the ketchup cupboard.

Ben: [on McDouble vs. Double Cheeseburger] Nineteen cents, fag, adds a piece of bliss, called cheese.

Andy: Ever see a black hockey player?
Meghean: No....
Andy: There's hardly any.
Meghean: Oh...I thought you were going to say "That's right, because it's illegal."

Meghean: [upon seeing Andy and Em kissing] Eeeeeewwww...
Andy: Shut up, cunt.
Meghean: BITCH.

Damian: GREEEEGGGGGGG. NOOOOOOOOOOOO......

Damian: DON'T MAKE ME GET THE FUCKING KETCHUP.

Butters: He comes up with a Mossberg and just blows the uterus right out the back of her asshole...

Butters: Just once...I want to be taken advantage of by a dirty bum.

Butters: I just can't listen to the Hawthorne Heights album without crying...

Em: [whilst unsuccessfully dodging a long line of rotating sprinklers with Meghean] OH GOD. WE'RE NOT LARA CROFT.

Andy: [to Em, the official Quote Recorder, prior to a story] You might want to write this down, it'll probably be good.

Ben: I feel like the Candyman is gonna pop out and put a finger in my ass.

Ben: If that stinks, I'm gonna feed your asshole to you.

Ben: You know what we should do?
Damian: Men.
Ben: .....yes, but...