I'll say that the one thing I picked up out of my whole two weeks having Heather as my girlfriend was a heart's desire for the love of my life. I had never been in a relationship with a girl before, so not only was I inexperienced, but I was totally unaware of what it was like, and what it entailed. Well, I have always been attacted to women, but always in a lustful way; something I'm not proud of. In fact, it's one of those things I have to deal with from my past that is the hardest for me, but I'll talk about that another time.
Bluntly put, I LOVED the feeling. It was totally different than anything I had felt for a female. There was no lust, only love and compassion. Having someone I cared for show that they cared back, the warm and fuzzy feeling I know I got, and I hope she got too when we were together; it was the best feeling I had ever felt. Then one day, it was gone. I have since resigned myself to the fact that I am not going to enter back into such a relationship with anyone, much less Heather, until I am in it for real; until I am ready to consider marriage as an option, and a goal.
But now, I find myself fantasizing about that day, that time period in general. I am so in love with her, and she (in my mind, it is still Heather, because she is the only one to have ever even remotely been there with me) is so in love with me. I imagine the playfulness of a pure and beautiful sexual realtionship. I can see how we do little things for each other, and how just plain happy we are. It looks amazing, and I WANT to feel it, I want to be there.
And I breathe deep. I am so far away from that time in my life that it hurts to watch it unfold. I want it now. Partly, I fear that God may not have it in my purpose to get married, but that is one of the things i long for and desire for now. All I can do is trust. It says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart". I know that God gave me this desire for marriage, so what can I do but trust that He will, at the right time, reveal the woman He has prepared to love and be loved by me for as long as we live. That, is a relieving feeling. But if I really am not meant to be married, I know God is still good.
And though I cannot yet see on the horizon the time when I can move forward toward marriage, I still think it is possible, and it feels likely, that Heather IS that woman. As I said, we stopped our romantic relationship because we weren't ready for it. I wonder and fantasize about one day, rekindling what we had when we are ready to move forward with it. I know that there may be someone else out there for me, but I am holding out hope that that someone could be her. Simply put, I plan on being her friend forever. So, when I am (we are) ready to seek a commitment, I plan on still having her in my life as a close friend. Beyond that, I can't control what might be, and I am trusting God that everything will work out for the best.
In the meantime, my focus needs to be on God and how I can help my fellow man and my friends. This is hard when I keep wondering what that first kiss will be like, and how special and playful and just crazy that first night as husband and wife will be. I don't want to dwell on it, but yet, even just thinking about it makes me feel good. Sihj.
I keep playing "I WIll Be Here For You" by Michael W. Smith. "Somewhere in the night, I'll be standing by". That's what ot feels like. Like I'm waiting for her, or God, or someone to catch up with my desires. I see her three days a week now, and we talk on the phone nearly every night, and on AIM as well. I am utterly addicted to this girl. Be her friend or more, I am just plain happy and joyful around her. She makes me laugh, she makes me act crazy. How is that normal? We've been at school just cracking up over basically nothing, and I wouldn't trade that time for all the money in the world. She is amazing, a true gift from God.
In fact, I did pray for a friend. I have been basically friendless and wandering amongst groups for years. God answered me though, and the answer is awesome. I don't have the words to describe it. I am happy. I am content, even though I struggle. Just being around the friends God has blessed me with is enough to make me want to praise Him forever.