This is my first tine writing in my secret little journal. There are so many things that I feel like I can't say in a more public setting. That is why I am here now. Ok, where to begin? I guess I should jump right into it and get really heavy right off the bat. I've had things weighing on me for a long time, so I hope this doesn't seem sudden.
Heather Douglas. What do I say about the person who means more to me than anything else I know? What an interwoven mix and mess of stories of my life is she. I guess I should start at the logical beginning, but there is more beyond this that I will prolly talk about later. Hmmm, if you didn't catch it already (which may depend on how you found this page), I changed the name of the person I am talking about. I know she doesn't like her name on the internet, so for this topic, Heather will suffice.
Heather and I, though we didn't first meet there, became good friends while attending CCBC in the fall of 2003. We were just that, good friends, until late November, when we, for a short time, became more than friends. Ever since then, my world has been upside down. Yes, the break-up was mutual, basically. By that I mean that, though she actually broke up with me, I am positive that I would have done the same within the next week if she hadn't. So here we were, friends who had tried moving beyond friendship, and now we had to try to go back.
I'll tell you, right now, Heather is my best friend. It isn't even a close race really. She knows more about me than anyone: more than my mom, my brother, or any of my other friends. This is probably because of the tremendous amount of time we spend talking together. Nonetheless, I feel as though I could stay with and talk with her forever. It is rather ridiculous, but seriously, I love talking with her, being with her, listening to her, whatever. I find her so interesting, and I am constantly curious, wanting to know every little thing about her that she is willing to share.
Now, I am a curious person by nature, but my curiousity didn't grow so great until we started talking and being around each other so much. Also, though I am curious about my other friends and aquaintances, she always captures my attention far more easily. Sihj, I don't know what it is about her though. Something about her makes me want to know every little detail of her life and who she is; who she really is, not the front she puts up for the world to see.
Well, this one will probably be a real shocker for you. I am not over her. In fact, though I can't say I have a good model to accurately assess my feelings, I think I am in love with this girl. Recently, I have questioned what kind of love I harbor for her, but the fact is clear, I do love her. I would do anything short of deny my God to make her happy. If I ever lost her, I'd be crushed. She is more important to me than any amount of money, power, fame, pleasure, or peace.
Sounds strange, even to me, but when she was struggling with sickness and breathing troubles, I prayed to God to give her relief, to remove the pain and struggle from her. I also prayed that, if God needed a place to "put" the pain as a replacement, that He could give it to me. I was more willing to suffer in her place than let her suffer, and if I could have taken the pain from her personally, I would have.
I know I am missing pieces of the puzzle, and eventually they will be filled, but I don't know when. Continuing on, I look back and realize that we didn't break-up because of issues between us. We both came to a realization that we were in this relationship for the wrong reasons. For me, I knew that I was (and still am not) in a position to consider the possibility of marriage yet. I am not financially secure yet, nor am I sure that I am mentally or spiritually ready to support myself, much less a wife.
I could keep talking forever. I am, however, out of space on this page. This means that I will have to continue "ranting" later. If I don't limit myself, I'll never get any sleep. I'll be adding more pages to this log when I feel like ranting, and when I have a little free time. So, until next time, this is Nic, sihjing off.