| October 31, 2002 |
| Trick-or-Cheat |
| Hi Odessa, I've been dating this guy, "Todd," for two-and-a-half years now and am so much in love with him. While he was away this summer, I missed him terribly even though we wrote back and forth. I told myself I would never do anything to hurt him, but I did: I cheated on him with "Chad," a jerk I used to date 3 years ago. I kept thinking, You're cheating on your boyfriend but was so caught up in the moment to care then. But this morning, I felt so guilty. I'm attracted to Chad, but he doesn't mean anything to me; I just wanted to have fun w/ someone since Todd's not here. I know I sound horrible, but the fact is I really do love Todd. My question is, should I tell him? Feeling Guilty in Idaho, 18 |
| Hey there girl, That's a tough call, and I admire the fact that you respect your relationship with Todd so much. The answer you are looking for really depends on the nature of your relationship. At this point, it really sounds like you could not live with yourself if you were not completely honest with Todd, as you really do love him. It's true that if you told him that you cheated on him, it would irrevocably change your relationship (though not necessarily for the worse). But just think if you didn't tell him -- you would have to bear that guilt on your own, and wouldn't that also change your relationship? I think he might sense that something was up. So in order for you to decide, you might want to evaluate your relationship and how strong it really stands. Be honest with yourself with the limitations as well as the strengths. How would he take it? What will happen to the relationship? Would he be able to forgive you? Will you be able to forgive yourself? In my experience, men are more hurt by sexual infidelity, whereas women are devastated by the emotional betrayal (i.e., she's more hurt by the fact that he lied about it, rather than that he slept with another woman). If you decide to go through with this, make sure that you explain your feelings very clearly; as you did with me, show that you do in fact are burdened by the guilt and that you love him deeply. He will undoubtedly be very angry and hurt, and you need to be there for him by respecting his feelings and explaining what happened. You were lonely, and Chad was just a fling; he was a mistake, and you've realized that. Your intentions were never to hurt Todd, only satisfy a curiosity and a bit of loneliness. You weren't looking for a serious relationship, and you missed Todd terribly while he was away. I hope Todd understands. I also hope he understands that you did not set out to hurt him, and that none of this was his fault. If this is meant to be, then it is meant to be. Best of luck. Let me know how things work out, *Odessa |
| Feel free to email me if you have any personal questions you need answered. We may select your concern for the next week's column. Please note: We reserve the right to edit entries for web purposes only. (All questions will be answered on an individual basis as well -- that is, privately through email only. You may remain completely anonymous if you wish) Send your question(s) to us at: [email protected], with the word "Odessa" in the subject line. Please include your age, gender, and location. |
| Hey Readers! |
 |
 |
 |