I'm defective, and I thought it was because I was ugly. Ellen came back to me later and told me that she did love me and had actually wanted us to get together. She even told me that she thought I was cute. Well, what friend wouldn't lie to another friend to get their spirits up. It was a nice thought, but I know better than to think that I'm actually cute. A few weeks later Rachel tells me that she was in love with me too. I think that she was just trying to make me feel better, but I don't think I've ever had something hurt me so much in my life, because I was still in love with her, and if she really was in love with me why did she go to someone else.
So those are all a couple years ago, but my life continues much the same. There was Brenda, whom I never did fall in love with, but had wanted to ask out because she was pretty and fun to hang around with. After she married someone else she also told me I was cute. I still don't buy it, but it was a nice thought anyway. Then another friend, Paul (yeah, he's gay) told me he thought I was cute. Ok now, he's not hitting on me, but I do know he is the type of guy that doesn't sugar coat anything and isn't going to lie to me to make me feel better. I can't understand why these people can say I'm cute when obviously I'm still ugly and overweight. Teri comes back later, and the conversation breaks to who she thinks is cute and she says that I'm cute. Next there was Dawnee, and as is my normal pattern I've fallen completely and totally in love with. What's more, she also things I'm cute. Unfortuanetly, she's also spoken for as she was married at the time. I gave up on ever being anything more than friends with her and tried to move on. I met Michelle next, which is the first girl I've ever met who actually really likes me. I date her for about a month and figure out that I'm really not in love with her because I'm in love with Dawnee. I broke up with Michelle because despite how much she cared about me, I just couldn't return the feelings. In an odd stroke of fate, Dawnee finalized her divorce the same weekend and so again I thought maybe I had a chance with her. I asked her out after a few months when I thought she might be over her ex and to avoid losing her to someone else who had asked her out and wonder of wonder's she said yes. After 'seeing' her for about a month and never getting past holding hands with her (her choice not mine) she broke up with me with the kiss of death "I just want to be friends". Of course, she qualified it with "I'm not ready now, but maybe later" and so of course, being in love with her I wait. Until this morning when she finally told me to give up on her.
Here I am again, alone, depressed, and confused. All this time I've grown up believing that I'm alone because I'm ugly, but all these people lately have told me that I'm cute. So if it's not me being ugly what is it? I'm still a little shy, but no where near as bad as I used to be. I'm honest, caring, friendly, funny, and apparently cute. I'd never dream of cheating on someone I cared about, or ever do anything to hurt them. I'd do anything for them and yet I don't stifle them. I give them as much room as they want, I'm not clingly or needy. I'm not the jealous type that demands all their time and won't let them hang out with their friends. So with all that, what is wrong with me? I'm obviously defective, but I just don't know what's wrong with me. Yeah, girls like confident guys and that's one thing I don't have a lot of, but with my love life can you blame me? How do I get more confident when my life is one rejection after another.
On top of all that I know myself and know I'm screwed. I still want to be friends with Dawnee and would never do anything to hurt her, but I also can't just turn off my feelings for her and I'm afraid if I don't I will lose her as a friend also... sigh...