Work
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Help wanted - telepathic: you know where to apply
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
If you can't do, Teach. If you can't teach, do nothing, or be Vice President.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance...
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.
God
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
Lord save me from your followers.
If God had meant for us to see the sunrise, he would have put it at noon.
If God is perfect, why did he create discontinuous functions?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
Computers
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is -9.8 m/s/s. -Marcus Dolengo
Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us edlin.
640k ought to be enough for anybody. -Bill Gates '81
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
To be politically correct, we will no longer call them "Macintoshes", we will call them "computationally challenged".
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up somewhere.
IBM - Idiots Buy Macintosh
Macintosh - Machine Always Crashes, If not the operating System Hangs
Back up my hard drive? I can't find a reverse switch.
Politics
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
Vote Democrat, it's easier than getting a job.
A diplomat is a person that can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I sure hope I don't get run over again.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Psychology
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -Samuel Goodwyn
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Reality is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
8 out of 5 schizophrenics agree.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
Scientists say that 1 in 4 people are mentally ill. Ask 3 friends, if they are Ok, your it.
Research causes cancer in rats.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Sex
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
There are only two ways to handle women, and nobody knows either of them.
People shouldn't say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. It's better to have loved and won, all other options suck. -Dan Redican
Dear Santa, Can I have your list of Naughty girls (boys)?
Stupidity
Some people think I have a bad attitude. Those people are stupid.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
The total IQ on the planet is constant, only the population is growing.
The scariest part of living in the South is that we have people who think that NASA is faked and that professional wrestling is real!
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
Some peoples minds are like concrete, all mixed up and permanently set.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
He who laughs last, probably doesn't understand the joke.
There are three types of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't.
A country that does not know it's history is doomed to do poorly on the SAT.
Money
If you think nobody cares, try missing a few payments...
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Happiness can't buy money.
The cost of feathers has risen, now even down is up.
"Of course I understand imaginary numbers, I have a checking account."
A penny saved is pretty much useless.
Money talks, just kidding-it doesn't really.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
driving
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming like the other people in his car.
Eternal Questions
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why don't sheep shrink when they get wet?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
If time heals all wounds, how come my belly button stays the same?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the heck was yesterday?
If all is not lost, where is it?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going? --Douglas Gauck
Other
Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Give pizza chants.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
Eschew Obfuscation
The trouble with life is that there is no background music.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
I'll have to think twice about it before I give it a second thought.
Skydiving - Good to the last drop.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
All true wisdom is found on t-shirts.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Always take the time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Follow you dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink bear all day.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for a may not follow. Don not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So you stay on your land.
I'm not paranoid... that's a rumor started by my enemies.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them
186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
Be different: conform.
I love to go down to the school yard and watch all the children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. -Emo Philips
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
Home is where the house is.
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. --Oscar Wilde
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
"You'll never know until you try it" works pretty well for most unknowns, but "I wonder if it hurts to saw off the tip of my tongue?" is probably not one of them. --Doug Rendall
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Last night as I lay in my bed looking at the stars I thought 'where the hell is the ceiling?'
Rachel and I just love rocks, it's sad to see so many of them going to waste in the Smithsonian though. (Annie)
Time heals all Wounds. Newsweek even heals a few.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't pick their nose.
Tomorrow is another day. Although I've been known to be wrong.
United we stand, Divided we sit.
Variety is the spice of life, with Garlic Powder a close second.
Out of the mouths of Babes often times comes drool.
If the shoe fits, find the other one.
A friend in need can probably call someone else. Suggest it.
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. From what I've heard.
Lie down with dogs, wake up with marital problems and a booking on GERALDO.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Keep a stiff upper lip. The Novocain will eventually wear off.
One Man's trash is another man's garbage.
People usually get what's coming to them... unless it's been mailed.
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
There's a new activist group out named D.A.M. -Mothers against Dyslexia.
Sobriety is fine in moderation.
Where ever you go, there you are.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.
Bachelors know more about married women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. -H.L. Mencken
It has been said that capital punishment does not deter a criminal from committing a crime. But it certainly does prevent him from doing it again.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No sense in being a fool about it.
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know it's still there.
[New York] is the place where if you have talent, and believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then some day, maybe - just maybe - you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. -Dave Barry
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
The World is like a tiny grain of sand, only much much heavier.
Save the Whales! Collect the whole set.
Disco is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.
I never knew the true meaning of happiness until I was married, but by then it was too late.
AMAZING BUT TRUE... If you were to take all the sand in North Africa and spread it out, it would be enough to cover the entire Sahara desert.
Experience is the worst teacher, it gives the test first, and the lesson after.
Blessed are they who run around in circles, for they shall be know as wheels.
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to read. -Mark Twain
Next time, give the gift that keeps on giving, a female kitten.
Two wrongs don't make a right, it usually take 3 or 4.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
There are two rules to success is life. Rule number 1 is, don't tell everyone everything you know.
People laughed when I said I'd be a comedian, well they aren't laughing now.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Which is better, eternal happiness or a ham sandwich? It would appear that eternal happiness is better, but this is really not so! After all, nothing is better than eternal happiness, and a ham sandwich is better than nothing. Therefore a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness. -----Raymond Smullyan
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .. they're cramming for their final exam.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?