1-10-2000
I regret not having planned it out better in advance. If I had planned it better, I could have made that one last trip to the Outback for that steak dinner, or cooked my favorite German dish, Roladen. Now it's too late. No, I'm not writing this from beyond the grave, I'm not dead, although from what my brother tells me I might as well be. As of Saturday the 8th of January, I am a vegetarian. No, I don't have a really good reason, it was just a spur of the moment type decision. Two friends of mine, Eric and Kevin, both previously vegetarians have given up on there vegetable ways, at least temporarily. It was then that I decided that I would stop eating meat to restore balance to the universe.
Day one started off as any other one of my misguided adventures (I'm calling this an adventure because my life is typically dull and if I say the word adventure enough, I might actually feel like I'm doing something important and not just stroking my ego), I went looking for food. What do vegetarians eat? I've never really been too much into foods that aren't made up primarily of large mooing animals or flightless birds, so going grocery shopping was a new experience. This can't be too hard, right? I started out on the right foot, fresh produce. I was surrounded in what could only be called a vegetarian heaven. Row upon row of red apples, oranges, radishes, lettuce, and mushrooms. It took me a few seconds to get my bearings in this strange new land before I realized just what I had gotten myself into. I don't like fruits or vegetables. What was I going to do with lots of hand sized green things? You really can't cook them to make them taste better (oh yes, I will make a wonderful vegetarian). I managed to pick out a few apples and oranges, as well as a pre-made salad, but things were not looking good. I knew that I could not survive on greens alone. What else do vegetarians eat? Duh! Junk food.
My next stop at Cubs was the snack isle where I stocked up on what is sure to become a major part of my diet. Chips and Salsa. This cheered me up immensely knowing that I may not be able to eat hamburgers any more, but I could have all the cheetos I wanted. I plan on spending the rest of my life with day glow orange fingertips. Still, I knew that I was missing something... Could it be? Yes! I know that which I must seek! The fabled Ambrosia, food of the Gods, known to us mortals as Tofu!
I'm still not exactly sure what it is, but I know that to be a good vegetarian I must eat of the sacred food. I was a little taken back by the many different sizes and shapes that tofu comes in. Some looked like sheets of paper, some large blocks, and even sets of little tiny blocks, but hiding with all the other Tofu products sat the Holy Grail of Tofu... Tofu dogs! Hot dogs made with real Tofu, or possibly just tofu in the shape of a hot dog. I immediately seized as many as I could carry and filled my shopping cart up. Life was good again. Only two more places to stop, starting with...
The Pasta Isle. Again, I felt like a little boy on Christmas, only I was just getting underwear and we never got to take the plastic Christmas tree out of the box, but still Christmas none the less. Everywhere I looked sat food, that not only could I eat, but actually rather enjoyed. Cheese Noodles, rice, Fettuccini Alfredo, and even some hamburger helper, I figure I could always change the name to Tofu Dog Helper. How bad could it be? This left only one place left, that which would ensure my survival, the Mecca of grocery markets, the frozen food isle.
Not just any frozen food mind you, but Pizza. Lot's of pizza. Knowing that I would need some variety in my diet I managed to pick up some that were different sizes or ones that had more than one type of cheese on it. It was during this raid of the pizzas that a curious green box caught my eye. Garden Burgers, made from all kinds of stuff that I wouldn't normally consider eating unless I had just spent several months eating my shoes, but being the brave little vegetarian that I am, or would be I grabbed em. I also decided to grab the veggie hot dogs that were on the shelf right next to them.
For future reference, if any of you decide you want to be a vegetarian, leave the veggie dogs where they lie. Trust me. I managed to swallow one bite; the second one didn't stay down because the taste was so bad. I'm rather afraid to try the tofu dogs now. Surely they can't be as bad as the veggie dogs, but what if they are? I suppose my Tofu Dog Helper will have to wait too.