January 1, 1993
There comes a time in every persons life when they must strap thin strips of wood to their feet and propel them selves down icy hills at the speed of sound into trees and other skiers. Everyone should begin their ski adventure by buying life insurance and filling out their wills.
The next step is to get lessons. The manly thing to do would be to teach yourself how to ski, which is why I chose to pay large fees to be taught by an instructor. Usually, the training area is on a gentle slope right below the three to five year olds who ski better than most Olympic gold medalists, and right above the ice covered highway leading to the ski resort. Those people who are unfortunate enough to slide down the hill are usually saved by a passing three year old, so you truly have nothing to fear.
Now, to make this a truly enjoyable trip, you must invite two or three close friends who are worse skiers than you are. That way you have someone to laugh at between trips to the hospital. I took my friends Greg, Alex, Herb, and my brother Pat. It was good that I brought my brother along because he kept my spirits up. "Don't worry Dennis", he would say, "No one will get hurt skiing, maybe when we get home we will fall and break our legs, but not on the slopes."
In a short time, I was skiing like a paraplegic. Seeing my progress, Greg, who had skied before, decided to take me on an intermediate slope. Maybe it's just me, but I never expected the "Intermediate" slope to be a cliff, and I also didn't expect to see all the tomb stones around the bottom of the course, but none the less, I bravely slipped and fell down the slope. About 30 falls later, with 300 extra bruises I realized that the "Intermediate" sign was just a bad joke. The joker had obviously hidden the Police line saying "Do Not Cross" somewhere else. Or maybe Intermediate is French for "Death Trap".
After a long day of falling, we all drove home, thanking God no one was seriously injured. We slowly trudged up the steps to our house, where my brother slipped and fell down the stairs. I believe this just goes to show the power of Positive Thinking.