January 2, 1993
Americans, as a whole, are vain. I, as an American, am vain. In a futile attempt to better my appearance, and also in an attempt to replace the glasses I broke while skiing, I purchased contact lenses. They proceeded to give me a series of tests including a glaucoma test, in which they shoot hurricane force winds into your eye to see how high you will jump. Perhaps it was a hallucination caused by stress, but I could swear that the instant the air hit me, I saw a flying house and a witch cackling, "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog Toto too!"
After running the gauntlet of torture devices, they sat me down in a chair that looked like something from Star Wars. I was instructed to look through the lens while the doctor repeatedly asked questions like, "Is this better, or this?", "Now can you read it?", and "Who sent you here? Was it the IRS?" Now I guess his questions weren't weird, but the fact that my vision never changed, and that the Doctor was just sitting back flossing his teeth was. Not wanting to look too stupid, I answered him with whatever came to mind.
"Is this any clearer?" he would ask sincerely after removing some broccoli from his teeth.
"Yes, that's much better." I would lie back to him.
"How about this?"
"Tell me Doctor, did you have a happy childhood?"
The interrogation went on some more as his teeth became spotless and I traced his problems back to his 14th birthday where his dad didn't get him a puppy, when suddenly he exclaimed, "Eureka!", which is French for "Death Trap" He immediately stuck some little pieces of rubber into my eyes, and while I was momentarily blinded, removed all the money from my wallet and sent me home.
I could now see why everyone liked contact lenses, it was obviously the joy of seeing their doctors race by us in his brand new Porsche.