Women Trouble
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a
woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking
spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing'
on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,
Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14
minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and
two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one
of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the
wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles
into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from
the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed
journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days
between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the
Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning,
Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both
in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing
room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually
bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other
one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for
window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she
stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster
for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting
at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire
on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to
get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A
seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which
escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A
pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the
hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in
a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and
a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes
and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and
neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs.
Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who
between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over
their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth
remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of
Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she
had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm
that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic
Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she
flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at
11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a
staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security,
Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a nightclub in
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to
the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for
everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with
her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the
28th October 1990,when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch
'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs
before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?",
revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962
when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is
this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the
thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers,
48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument she'd had in the butcher's to her neighbour.
She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed, only accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.