Psychiatry Answering Service

You may be interested to know that the Royal College of Psychiatry has a  new answering service.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline".

If you are obsessed-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and you call will be transferred to the  mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you  which number to press.

If you are a manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,  no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a  representative comes online.

If you have amnesia press 8, and state your name, address phone number and date of birth, social security number and mothers maiden name.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder slowly press 00.

If you have bi-polar disorder please leave a message after the beep,  before the beep or after the beep.

If you have short term memory loss press 9.

If you have short term memory loss press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are a  little busy right now

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