Letter to the Bank
This
is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing enough
to publish in the New York Times.
Dear
Sir,
I
am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
Deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for
eight years.
You
are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for
debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to
your bank.
My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To
this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First,
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-
changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and
loan repayments will, therefore and thereafter, no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please
find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that a Justice of the Peace must countersign all copies
of his or her medical history and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In
due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote
in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.
As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing
field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will
notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only
person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an Automated voice.
Press
buttons as follows:
1
To make an appointment to see me
2
To query a missing repayment
3.
To make a general complaint or inquiry
4.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living
room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5.
To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom
to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6.
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of
toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8.
To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
contact.
9.
To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options from 1 through to 9.
10.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best
Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh,
the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the vaults are
filled with silver that the miners sweated for"
After
twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.
On
a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often
pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost – a
cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising
material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from
your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in
response.
Any
debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75
cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly
less prosperous New Year.
Your
humble client
Jules
Winder