If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan
Q:
My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes
for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring
all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still
apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q:
My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It
is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the
skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with
him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he
loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.
Q:
My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A:
This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a
hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the
man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect
of his behaviour.
Q:
My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A:
Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it
in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish
guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q:
My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A:
Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your
man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon
all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive
present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q:
My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists
and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your
love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal.
Q:
How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A:
Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and
sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as
women are. It's a proven fact.
Q:
Should I have sex on the first date?
A:
YES. Before if possible.
Q:
What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A:
Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that
you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may
ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do
them anyway.
Q:
How long should the sex act last?
A:
There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
Anything
under that and you may be rushing your man . After your man has finished making
love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his
friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and
sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's
ready.
Q:
What is "afterplay?"
A:
After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy.
"Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while
you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q:
Does the size of the penis matter?
A:
Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important,
studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures
about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some
chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your
knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such
as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift -
and don't forget to cook him an absolutely fabulous meal.