Hang Over
Ratings
Does
any of this sound somewhat familiar?
=
1 star hangover *
No
pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a
mere
disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad
that you are able to function relatively well.
However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even
vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
=
2 star hangover **
Slight
headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss.
You
may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of
a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating
your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English
breakfast.
Last
night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing
junk e-mails.
=
3 star hangover ***
Definite
headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space
cadet
and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be
better
right
now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching
Good Morning America. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,
2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
=
4 star hangover ****
Your
head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might
honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted
you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed
an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up
on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your
eyes
look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You
would give a weeks pay for one the following:
1.
Home time,
2.
A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or
3.
A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
=
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You
have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring
the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't
focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from
your computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore,
staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust
in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust.
You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability
to generate
saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd
cry
but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking
is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers
think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should
have called in sick because all you can manage to do is
breathe....very
gently.
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