Crazy Glue
HONORABLE
MENTION (He did not succeed in dying, but made a strong effort)
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (a zoo) with a group of
thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them
one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of Crazy
Glue... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good
the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his
hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a
resident of the zoo for the thirteen years, was not startled initially, as it
has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once
it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to
panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended
passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been
very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax
her bowels, when Mr.Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass,
caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was
gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three
pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of
medics and zoo caretakers to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the
animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the
laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30
gallons of rhino diarrhoea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while
at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you
could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under
control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open
for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove
his hands from her rear," said Douglass. I don't think he'll be playing
with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously
amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to
buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo,"
commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.