Better to be a Bloke (Part 2)
| 61. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 62. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room. 63. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 64. You don't have to clean your flat if the meter reader is coming by. 65. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 66. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 67. You don't give a toss if no one notices your new haircut. 68. You can watch a game in silence with your mate for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me". 69. The world is your urinal. 70. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 71. You can play and enjoy computer games other than Tetris. 72. Hot wax never comes near your pubes. 73. One mood, all the time. 74. You can admire Tim Roth without starving yourself to look like him. 75. You can remember the punch lines to jokes. 76. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 77. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing. 78. Grey hair and wrinkles add character. 79. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 80. Wedding Dress: £1000; Morning suit hire: £50. 81. You can vomit without being accused of bulimia. 82. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries - at least in theory, and trying would be fun. 83. You don't mooch off others' desserts. 84. If you retain water, it's in a glass. 85. The remote is yours and yours alone. |
86. People never
glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 87. You can sit in a pub on your own without sad baskets trying to cop off with you. 88. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. 89. Stag nights are much more fun than Hen nights. 90. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 91. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 92. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" when you go for a dump. 93. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 94. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase, "Fuck it!" 95. If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become best mates. 96. You can teach your friend's children swear words. 97. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 98. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 99. You think the idea of putting a cat in a tumble drier is funny. 100. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. 101. A week's holiday requires only one suitcase. 102. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 103. You can run without looking like a complete spacka. 104. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 105. You can play football instead of going to a family bash - and not feel guilty. 106. Bleeding doesn't come with a mood change or a chocolate fetish. 107. Not bleeding isn't a problem. 108. Throwing / catching objects is possible. |