A few stories from our nations emergency rooms
A few
stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than
fiction.
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man
had swallowed several nitro-glycerine pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked
about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him
ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitro-glycerine explode.
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain.
During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken
piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping
that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and
ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans
genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The
police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During
the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's
poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able
to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the
parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to
pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct
for medical assistance.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the
lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After
an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left
breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during
a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her
crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to
find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman
to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the
grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.
What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!).
Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced
seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a
neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the
man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and
told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a
fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my
virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six
inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she
had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like
a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus
was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and
then
forgot about it.
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam
and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave
her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to
the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are
you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active?
No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you
know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make
it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five
minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him.
The boy was coming down from "crank" (met amphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while
then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and
'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."