Disclaimer: The concept
and the people in the story are fictional and the property of several
production companies. I only borrow them and return them unharmed and unmarked.
No money is made of the story and no infringement is meant.
By Valerie
Like everybody who is not in love, he
thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the
basis of particular qualities or advantages. (Marcel Proust)
Spencer Reid had never considered the word love in connection
with himself. Love wasn’t something that happened to child prodigies in
universities where everyone was older by years. Love wasn’t something that he
could analyze and take apart, there weren’t any statistics about love, and
there were no hard facts that he could read.
He knew about crushes, because just as love was
impossible if all the girls around you were two, three, four or even more years
older, crushes became a given. The girls in his high school were wilder than
anything he had ever imagined, and the female students sitting next to him at
university had been way more sophisticated than he would ever be. None of the
crushes though had ever really led to anything more than an evening tutoring
session or an awkward date in the library.
And then he had joined the FBI and the BAU team, and
for the first time, he had met people that didn’t care how young he was, people
that didn’t laugh at him because he was socially inept, and it had been a
revelation. Following Gideon’s example, he had started to interact more with
other people, and when Morgan had decided to take him under his wing, his life
had suddenly teamed of women that wanted to go out and have a drink with him.
Spencer should have been elated, happy and simply
ecstatic, but to his surprise he hadn’t enjoyed the attention of the girls,
hadn’t enjoyed going out and partying. It had confused him, shaken his world
because it had been against his plans, against his list of things that he
wanted to achieve. He had the perfect partner pictured in his mind and had
always known that she would have to be intelligent, smart, that she would have
to be patient when it came to him and his job and so on. All these were
qualities that he had thought his girlfriend would need to have for him to fall
in love with her, and when he had met Monica, she had fulfilled every single
point and yet he had felt nothing for her but friendship.
They had been going out for about three months when
she invited him home for dinner, and when he arrived, she waited for him in
nothing but a sexy bra and lacy panties. Spencer had never seen a woman this
beautiful and this intelligent wanting him, and he should have taken the chance
and fallen in love with her.
Instead he had run.
The next morning she had cornered him and asked him if
he was gay. Spencer had been completely shocked and demanded to know why. Her
answer had floored him and even now he still remembered it even if the incident
had happened three years ago.
‘You were gentle and nice to me, but you never looked
at me with the kind of devotion and longing in your eyes that you get when you
talk about Agent Hotchner.’
He hadn’t been able to answer her, had stared at her
in shock until she had sighed and left. He had never heard from her again, but
thankfully she hadn’t made a drama out of the end of their relationship. Morgan
had tried to pry the reason out of Spencer, but Spencer had refused to say
anything.
He couldn’t have said anything at that time, because
he had not known, had not known that what he felt for his boss was more than
respect and awe, but once Monica had opened the Pandora’s Box, he hadn’t been
able to close it. At first he had pushed it away, had decided that Monica,
despite all signs pointing towards the contrary, was stupid and had no idea about
him. But then he had walked into the office one morning and had found himself
looking for Hotch.
Spencer had been shocked to realize that he
unconsciously always knew where Hotch was, that he watched the older profiler
almost constantly but once more he had reasoned that it was a normal reaction
of someone who wanted to learn and he certainly wanted to learn from Hotch.
He had rationalized his behavior as normal and
obvious, because when he fell in love it would be his choice and his married
boss certainly wasn’t the person he had chosen. He had continued to work like
nothing had happened, until they all had walked into a quiet street that had
erupted into a shoot out of the worst kind. He had been terrified as he saw
Hotch draw his weapon, had frozen until the other man’s harsh command to move
had made him run for cover. He had watched from his safe spot while Morgan and
Hotch had covered their backs until the police back up had been there.
Later that night, he lay in his bed and his heart
raced, as if he had run a marathon. He had tried to reason that it was his body
reacting to the danger he had been in, but his mind had refused to believe the
lie. Spencer hadn’t been afraid for his life; it had been Hotch’s life for
which he feared. The admission had been a shock and he hadn’t been able to deny
the simple truth any longer. He was in love with Aaron Hotchner.
The revelation of that night had made his head spin
for a while, but in the end Spencer had learned to live with it, had accepted
it as a fact in his life and had moved on. He had looked at it rationally and
had come to the conclusion that it had been inevitable for him to fall for
Hotch. After all, Hotch had all the qualities Reid would have wanted in a
partner; he was intelligent, kind, disciplined, good looking and well
respected. He was all in all a good catch.
And he was male.
It was that last detail that kind of made the entire
list above redundant, because rationally falling in love with another male was
certainly not the smartest idea.
So how had it happened?
Spencer hadn’t known then, and he still didn’t know
now, all these years later, and would never be able to answer that question,
but back then he had been sure that there was no chance in hell of him ever
doing more than loving Hotch from afar. He had actually considered that
probably loving Hotch was indeed a smart choice, because whatever happened, it
wouldn’t hurt him too bad.
Spencer had lived quite well with the rationalization
of his feelings. And then Boston happened.
He remembered the moment of absolute shock when he had
heard about the bomb, but not much else about the day itself. It was blurred as
if he had experienced it through a fog. What he remembered with crystal clear
clarity, though, was the aftermath.
Hotch had taken over as leader of the BAU, and for the
first time since working for the other man, Spencer had seen him show emotions.
Not often he was still Hotch after all, but from time to time Spencer had
watched him on the phone and had seen him smile genuinely. He had always
thought that it was Haley on the phone, but then Gideon had come back and the
phone calls had stopped.
The realization that Gideon had the power
to make Hotch smile like that had been like a blow to Spencer’s stomach. He had felt sick, as if he
had fallen into a twilight zone once again. He had been fine about being in
love with Hotch and never having him because Hotch was straight. Now though, he
had had to adapt to a completely different reality, one where Hotch would could
possibly be interested in him and yet wasn’t.
Spencer spent a weekend at home trying to understand
why it hurt so much, trying to make sense of his feelings, but to his shock and
surprise he hadn’t been able to find a reason, to make sense or to understand.
In the end, he had decided, that it hurt because it had been unexpected.
Coming back to work, he had seen Hotch and Gideon
stand next to each other, discussing a case, and they looked so comfortable, so
close, and Spencer had been shocked at how much the sight still pained him.
Hadn’t he just spent a weekend coming to terms with the fact that Hotch and
Gideon might just be more than friends? Hadn’t he reasoned that they were much
better suited for each other? So why did
it hurt?
They had been distracted by a case that morning and
Spencer had learned to look away whenever he saw a tender moment between Gideon
and Hotch. He would have retreated back into his solitary life, had it not been
for Morgan and his insistence that Reid join him whenever he went out with the
young and pretty agents that seemed to follow Morgan around constantly.
It had become a routine to look at Hotch and Gideon
and wistfully wish for things to be different, and once again Spencer had
thought that love was considerably easier from far away. He had known by then
that falling in love with Hotch hadn’t been a smart decision, but he also
realized that it hadn’t actually been a decision, and since he had never
decided on anything, he wasn’t really sure how to counter the emotions. So he
did the easiest thing. He avoided dealing with them.
It worked until New York. When they had flown back
from their case, the tension had been high in the small airplaneand
Spencer had wanted nothing more than comfort Hotch and tell him that although
he shot a man, he wasn’t a monster. He hadn’t gotten up though, had waited for
the entire flight for Gideon to take back his harsh words, and when Morgan
finally walked over towards Hotch, Spencer looked at Gideon and saw a sad and
tired expression cross the other man’s face.
The rift between Gideon and Hotch had been obvious, as
had Hotch’s hurt about it. Whatever happened between the two men had not been
Hotch’s idea, and for the first time since Spencer realized that he felt more
for his supervisor than he should, he longed to see the quick touches and
tender moments between Gideon and Hotch. It had been painful to watch them
together, but it was even more painful to watch Hotch so alone.
Looking back, Spencer realized that the case in New
York had been the defining moment. Things had been set in motion about which he
had had no idea back then, and yet in the end, they had affected him as much as
anyone else in the team. Spencer shivered in his room as he looked outside.
New York had been the starting point of Hotch’s break
down, a break down which had culminated on the day when Spencer had visited
Hotch and found him collapsed on the floor of his living room. He had held the
other man in his arms, while Hotch had sobbed and shaken desperately. He had
never expected to see Hotch like this and like in a dream, he remembered the
moment when he had walked into Hotch’s apartment.
Spencer’s heart was
thumping heavily as he walked up the stairs to Hotch’s apartment. He had never
been here before and he wouldn’t be here now, if Morgan hadn’t called him this
morning. Apparently, Morgan had promised to help Hotch with some furniture he
had to set up, but had forgotten that he had a date with Garcia. He had
literally begged Spencer to go instead of him, and
Spencer, good hearted as he was, had accepted.
Good hearted? He shook his
head as he stood in front of the wooden door; no there was nothing good hearted
about him accepting to see Hotch. He had almost jumped at the chance to see his
boss outside of work, to get a chance to see how he lived, who he was behind
the mask of control.
He had wanted to get a chance
to get to know Hotch. It had been an innocent thought and it had been born in
the long hours of watching Hotch work too late, of too many moments when he had
seen loneliness in the dark eyes, and so he had walked up and knocked on the
door only to find it open.
His hand trembled as he
pressed the handle, and he mentally prepared himself for anything,g
and still he stood frozen in the door at the sight of Hotch slumped on the
floor, shoulders shaking, body shivering and quietly sobbing.
Spencer had never expected to
see Hotch like this and for a moment, he had wanted to leave because seeing
Hotch broken on the floor had been like a slap to his face. It had shown him
that Hotch was not simply the ideal man Spencer’s fantasy had made him to be;
instead, Hotch was a human being, a man who felt as deep and as strong as every
other person. Spencer had felt like an intruder and yet, he hadn’t been able to
turn away. The same emotions that he had tried to rationalize for years now
forced him to move and kneel down next to Hotch.
“Hotch?” His voice
quivered, but he didn’t notice as Hotch looked up and Spencer felt overwhelmed
by the wealth of pain in the dark eyes. Slowly the eyes cleared and Spencer’s
heart stopped as the pain was replaced by a guarded hope and joy. The same
emotions colored Hotch’s voice as he smiled faintly. “Reid?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry that I
just walked in, but the door was open. Morgan called this morning and told me
he couldn’t make it, so I came instead and then I saw the door and I- I thought
something had happened to you...”
He trailed off as he
realized that he was rambling, but Hotch didn’t seem to have noticed; he just
kept looking at him and slowly Spencer began to feel uncomfortable under the
steady, searching eyes. “Hotch, are you okay?”
The laughter that escaped
Hotch was bitter and hard and it made Spencer flinch. Hotch pressed his lips
together and averted his eyes. “No, Reid, I’m not okay; do I look like it? I
lost my best friend today, lost my wife, my son, my family... I couldn’t
protect Elle from her own demons, couldn’t protect my brother from my...”
Spencer had wished to get to
know Hotch, and in his naivety he had forgotten about the saying, be careful
what you wish for. In one afternoon he had found out more about Hotch than he
would have ever dreamt of, and with each word his ideal had crumbled more. It
had been both scary and fascinating how instead of repulsing him, it had made
his feelings only stronger. He hadn’t been able to think rationally about what
he was doing and so he had done the first thing he had thought of. He had
wrapped his arms around Hotch and held him close.
“I’m here, Aaron,” Spencer
murmured, pulling Hotch towards him as another sob escaped Hotch’s lips. He
wrapped him in a comforting, protective embrace, and his heart ached as the
body in his arms shuddered and tensed before Hotch gave in and let himself be
held.
Reid remembered the moment he
really understood what Hotch had told him and the fury that had come with it.
“I lost my best friend
today.”
For the first time in his life
he understood why people killed others in a fit of rage, because if Gideon had
been around right at that moment, Spencer would have not been able to hold
himself back. But Gideon had long left, and so he had concentrated on the man
in his arms instead.
“I’m here, I won’t leave.”
He had no idea how he knew what to say. He certainly had no experience in
comforting someone, but somehow he knew, somehow he knew that beneath the mask
of control and strength, Hotch was as human as he was, as weak as he was, and
that he needed someone to lean on. “I’m here for you.”
They had sat together, and
suddenly Hotch started to talk as if he had wanted to talk for a long time, but
hadn’t had the opportunity. The longer he spoke, the more Spencer’s anger at
his mentor had grown, and even now, weeks after it had happened, he still felt
his blood boil whenever he thought of the pain he had seen in Hotch’s eyes and
the heartache he had felt at hearing the despair in Hotch’s voice.
“You love him.” The words
were out before he could stop them, and Hotch froze for a moment, before he
smiled ruefully and nodded. “Yes, in a way I do, but I’ll never be able to
trust him again. And without trust there is no love.”
Seeing nothing but Hotch’s
face, lost in the memory of that day, Spencer smiled slightly as he remembered
how they had cooked dinner together, how peaceful the atmosphere had been, and
how Hotch had suddenly looked at him.
“I trust you, Spencer.” The
few words had been the most powerful promise Spencer had ever heard. Since that
day, they had spent more time together, be it on the firing range where Hotch
taught Spencer to shoot and at the same time found his own peace, or in a quiet
diner having a meal together. There had never been any talks about Gideon or
themselves, but Spencer had more than once felt Hotch look at him with dark,
searching eyes, and although he wasn’t sure what Hotch was searching for, he was
pretty sure that he found it when Hotch smiled at him warmly.
---
Gideon had watched the growing
friendship between Reid and Hotch with surprise and then trepidation. He had
known about Reid’s crush on Hotch, and had often hidden a smile when the younger
man had blushed under Hotch’s praise.
He had never given any
thoughts about how Hotch might feel about Reid though, had never even thought
of the possibility that Hotch might see more in Reid than a slightly overeager,
very intelligent young profiler. In all honesty, he had actually been glad that
it was Hotch who was Reid’s object of attraction and not himself, because
Gideon knew only too well that as good as he was as a profiler, he was simply
terrible when it came to dealing with positive emotions directed at him. Hotch
on the other hand had always been good in handling the various crushes he had
encountered during his career.
So when Hotch had turned
Gideon’s offer for lunch down with the explanation that he already had plans
with Reid, Gideon had been not only surprised but alarmed. Didn’t Hotch know
about Reid’s crush?
He had followed Hotch back
towards his office and had asked. Hotch’s answer had been like a blow to his
face. “I know, Gideon, but it’s none of your concern.”
Gideon had reeled against the
clear distance in Hotch’s voice, but at the same time he knew that he had
caused the distance himself. They were friends once, and Gideon knew that it
was him who had broken their relationship off, him who had pushed Hotch away
because he hadn’t been able to deal with his feelings.
For a long time Hotch had
tried to reach out to Gideon, but after their last encounter in Hotch’s
apartment, he stopped trying. Their relationship had become pure business, and
so Hotch’s reaction to Gideon’s question was only reasonable. Still it had
hurt, but what hurt even more was the knowledge that Reid might get what he,
Jason Gideon, had always dreamed about, a real chance with Hotch.
So he kept watching and
observing how the two so different men had formed a closer bond with each case
they worked, how they interacted with each other and every time he saw Hotch
smile at Reid, he had felt his heart clench. He remained silent though, until
the day when they got the file of Lucas Mann. Lucas, who had been repeatedly
abused by his own father and had then grown up to be
an abuser himself. He had opened an orphanage and had proceeded to beat and
kill many of the kids that had been entrusted to him.
Gideon knew how hard such a
case for Hotch was and when they finished it, Gideon walked over to Hotch’s
office. He just wanted to make sure that Hotch was ok. He opened the door
quietly and stopped as if he had run into a wall.
Reid was standing next to
Hotch, who sat in his chair with his head in his hands. Gideon watched
mesmerized as Reid said something and Hotch looked up. The despair and hurt in
Hotch’s eyes made Gideon shiver, but then Hotch looked at Reid and the emotions
changed into something else. Gideon swallowed hard when Hotch reached out and
gently grasped Reid’s hand and pressed it thankfully. Something passed between
the two men and Gideon moved back quietly, glad that neither Hotch nor Reid had
seen him.
He sat down in his own office
and looked, surprised, at his trembling hands. He had never realized how much
hope he had still harbored, how much hope that maybe he and Hotch would one day
reconcile their differences and move onto a new level of their relationship.
Closing his eyes, Gideon saw once again the tender moment between Hotch and
Reid and he knew that he had definitively lost Hotch.
---
Hotch felt
drained. Cases like this last one did that to him, cases that made him remember
his own childhood, his own family, and many things that he didn’t want to
remember. He was always able to keep it together while the case was still on,
but as soon as it was over, the images would assault him and he was helpless
against the pain they brought with the memory.
“Hotch?” A gentle and yet
strong hand on his shoulder made him flinch, but the soothing touch didn’t disappear;
instead, it got softer and once again he heard his name being called. “Hotch?”
He wanted to hide, but he knew
that he couldn’t, not from Spencer, and so he looked up to meet worried eyes.
Spencer was pale, but there was no hesitance or insecurity as he squeezed
Hotch’s shoulder once more. “Can I help?”
He didn’t ask what was wrong;
he didn’t have to because he knew. Hotch had told him one night, after Spencer
had spoken about his mother. They had reached a new level of friendship after
that night, and now as Hotch looked into Spencer’s caring eyes, he felt calmed,
comforted by the presence of his friend.
“You already did.” Spencer
smiled at Hotch’s admission and the smile widened when Hotch covered the hand
on his shoulder with his own. “Thanks, Spencer.”
A small smile crossed
Spencer’s face and he squeezed Hotch’s hand. “You’re welcome.”
For a moment their eyes locked
and Hotch’s breath caught at the emotions he saw in Spencer’s eyes. There was
more than caring, he realized, and probably there always had been more. He saw
love in those eyes, love and concern, but also desire and longing. It took his
breath away to see the same emotions he had felt for Spencer for a long time in
the other man’s eyes. Their eyes held for another moment and Hotch could see
the understanding in Spencer’s eyes, could feel it in the way his hand suddenly
trembled.
“You should go home.” Spencer
spoke quietly, almost insecure, and Hotch nodded. He felt the tension in the
room. Something had changed in the last few minutes and he knew that this was
the moment he had waited for. Reaching out to touch Spencer’s face, he met his
friend’s eyes and smiled lightly. “Join me?”
Spencer froze for a second,
before he swallowed hard and nodded. He opened his mouth, but couldn’t form
proper words, so Hotch just smiled and got up. They walked towards Hotch’s car
in silence, but as soon as they were inside and away from prying eyes, Hotch
leaned over and looked at Spencer.
“Tell me if I read you wrong.”
He had tried for an easy going, almost joking tone, but it came out as a
mixture between pleading and threatening, and he frowned. Spencer’s hand on his
face immediately distracted him and he looked up. Spencer was flushed and the
hand on Hotch’s face trembled but there was no mistaking the lust in the dark
eyes.
“Please.” It was a mere
whisper, but it was all Hotch needed, and with a deep sigh, he leaned down and
captured Spencer’s lips. He had thought about kissing Spencer for a long time
now, had thought about it even before they had become friends, but he hadn’t
dared to do anything. His friendship with Spencer had been too precious, too
special to risk it.
Gideon had told him that
Spencer had a crush on him, but Hotch hadn’t really believed it until tonight,
until he really looked into Spencer’s eyes and saw all the feelings he felt
mirrored back at him. He hadn’t dared to dream of Spencer, not like he had
dreamt of Gideon before it all had fallen apart, but as he leaned over and felt
Spencer’s lips on his, heard the slight gasp that escaped Spencer, felt the
tremble that went through Spencer’s body, Hotch understood that Spencer never
had had a crush on him.
It had always been more.
The realization made him
shiver and he gentled the kiss, making it soft and tender until Spencer clutched
at his shoulders. “Aaron.”
Hotch’s breath caught as he
heard Spencer breathe his name, and he looked up to meet Spencer’s eyes. He
wanted to say something meaningful, something that told the younger man that
Hotch was as affected as Spencer, but his mind was blank and so he captured
Spencer’s lips again and licked them quickly.
“Let’s get out of here.”
Spencer’s voice was husky and it made Hotch tremble to hear it like this; he
looked once more at his soon-to-be lover, before he started the car and drove
home. There was a tense and yet not uncomfortable silence in the car, as their
eyes met at each stop and with each look, the anticipation grew until Hotch
couldn’t not touch Spencer, and with a sigh, he reached out and caressed
Spencer’s hand until he turned it and clutched at Hotch.
“You won’t regret this in the
morning?”
Spencer’s question was
accompanied by a slight tremble, and Hotch felt warmth flood him at the shy and
suddenly insecure look in Spencer’s eyes. He pressed Spencer’s hand tight and
shook his head. “I won’t, I promise.”
Spencer swallowed hard, but
remained silent until they were in Hotch’s apartment and then in his living
room, where Hotch lit the smaller lights before he sat down and held his hand
out to Spencer. “Join me?”
It was the same question that
he had asked before, but this time it was not fraught with desire; instead,
there was something calming in it. Hotch could feel how nervous Spencer was,
and as much as he wanted him, he wanted Spencer to want it, too. Understanding
hit Hotch hard, as he suddenly realized how much he needed Spencer to be happy,
how important it was to him that the younger man would never regret this, and
with a wry smile, Hotch scolded himself mentally. Some profiler he was, he
thought, there he was in love with Spencer and only now he had dared to admit
it to himself.
“Aaron, I...” Spencer trailed
off, insecure, and Hotch concentrated on the man in his arms.
Spencer sat close to him, but
he was tense and with a slight frown, Hotch caressed Spencer’s side until he
relaxed against Hotch’s body. “What's wrong?”
Hotch’s gentle words had
Spencer look at him with mix of longing and fear before he admitted, almost
inaudibly, “I’m scared.”
Spencer looked away after the
silent confession, and Hotch sighed as he felt the body in his arms go rigid.
Gently he leaned down and kissed Spencer’s neck, nibbled at the skin and
finally pulled Spencer towards him so that he rested completely against Hotch’s
body.
“What are you scared of?”
Hotch spoke quietly, wanting to project nothing but calm and comfort, but he
knew that he had failed when he heard the slight tremble in his own voice. He
wasn’t calm right now; instead, he was torn between longing and love, fear and
insecurity. Still he wanted Spencer to feel okay with what they did and so he
met Spencer’s eyes again. “We don’t have to do anything, Spencer; when I asked
you to join me, I never meant that you have to sleep
with me. You are my best friend, Spencer, and if that is all you want to be for
me, if that is all you want me to be for you, then that’s how it will be. It's
your decision.”
Hotch was holding his breath
after his speech, both afraid and thrilled to see shock and surprise in
Spencer’s eyes as he shook his head. “No, Aaron, it’s not that I don’t want
you. Not at all, I do... I just... I just don’t know what it means, you know?”
“You’ve never been with a man
before.” Hotch made his words a statement and not a question, but Spencer still
nodded silently. The fear was back in his eyes, but Hotch understood it now and
gently caressed Spencer’s face; he could see how Spencer braced himself for
rejection and leaned down to kiss him softly. “That’s okay, Spencer, we’ll go
as slow as you want to go. We have time.”
He wasn’t sure what had made
him add the last thing, but as he felt Spencer relax against him, he was glad
that he had said it. “This isn’t a one night stand, Spencer, or it isn’t for
me.”
“Neither for me. I’ve
wanted you for a long time, but it’s always been so abstract, you know? I know
the theory, I read about it...”
Spencer trailed off blushing
and Hotch smiled lovingly. “I promise you, Spencer, this is one thing where the
reality is far better than the theory.”
---
Reid felt Hotch’s gaze on
him, and as he looked at his friend, he saw the desire in Hotch’s eyes. He
shivered at the intensity of the look, surprised of how many emotions he
suddenly could see in Hotch’s face and still caught in the dark eyes, he
reached out and caressed Hotch’s face with his hand. Hotch leaned into his
caress and a soft moan escaped him, before he reached out and captured the
teasing hand with his own. Reid shivered as Hotch’s eyes never left him, the
dark eyes were blazing, setting him on fire and he had to suppress the urge to
pull Hotch towards him, fighting the desire to touch him and press against him.
He tried to remember some of the things he had read, but for once it seemed as
if his memory failed him.
“Don’t think, Spencer, just
do what you feel like.” Hotch’s voice penetrated his thoughts and he moaned
when he felt Hotch’s lips at his throat, tracing a line of fire down his neck
to his collarbone. “Do you know how long I have dreamed of touching you like
this? How much I wanted to kiss you?”
Reid shivered at the husky
quality of Hotch’s words and then moaned when he felt Hotch opening his shirt
button after button.
“I wanted to know what’s
underneath your clothes, wanted to kiss your skin.” Hotch’s voice was a hot
whisper against his skin and it seemed to burn him with its intensity.
“Hotch, please...” Reid
pleaded and Hotch looked up.
“What is it that you want,
Spencer?”
Gentle hands pushed his
shirt from his shoulders and Reid quickly slipped out of it before he leaned
back against Hotch and moaned at the feeling of Hotch’s shirt against his naked
skin. Reid felt out of his depth, had no idea what to do, what Hotch expected
from him and the last thought made him tense. “You, I just want you.”
It was as if Hotch had read
his mind, Reid thought as Hotch spoke softly against his skin and then Hotch
got up and pulled Reid with him. “Bedroom.”
They walked towards Hotch’s
bedroom together, and as soon as they were inside, Hotch pulled Reid close.
Reid closed his eyes and unconsciously leaned back against Hotch's body.
“I want to taste every bit
of your skin, want to make you feel so good that you can’t remember your name,
want to make you forget about everything but me.”
They were standing so close
together that Reid could feel Hotch’s heartbeat increasing with every word he
spoke. Reid could barely breathe, so hot were the images Hotch’s words created,
so hot and so tempting. Giving up on the struggle of hiding his desire, he
leaned against Hotch, relying on the other man's strength, loving and trusting
him enough to know he would not let him fall.
“I love you, Spencer.”
It was those last words that
shattered what had remained of Reid’s control and he turned, putting his arms
around Hotch as he drew him towards his body until no space was left between
them. “I love you, Aaron.”
He had said the three words
and for a second Reid braced himself for rejection, before he realized that
this was Hotch. Hotch who had never laughed at him, who had never lied to him,
and with a deep sigh, Reid finally let go and leaned down to kiss Hotch’s jaw.
Gentle hands undressed him,
urged him to lie down, and then Hotch was there next to him and he was naked
too and Reid couldn’t stop looking at him, couldn’t stop touching the soft
skin, caress the strong muscles while at the same time he felt the silk sheet
against his skin. The contrast between the soft fabric caressing his back and
the strong hand that roamed over his body was driving Reid insane. He wanted to
close his eyes to feel even more, but at the same time he wanted to see Hotch,
wanted to see how his usually calm mask had disappeared completely, wanted to
see how Hotch’s eyes burned with desire whenever he looked at him.
"You are so
beautiful!" Hotch ran his fingers through Reid’s hair, gently massaging
his scalp, calming him. He raised an arm and cupped the back of Reid’s head,
lowering his own until their lips met. They shared a slow, passionate kiss, as
Reid molded himself against the inviting contours of Hotch’s body. Their mouths
found each other again as Hotch slowly lowered himself on top of Reid. The
feeling of Hotch covering him completely was unlike anything Reid had ever
known, and panting lightly, he pulled Hotch even closer.
“I need to feel you… closer,
please…"
Hotch hungrily kissed his
mouth, face, and neck, while his hands roamed possessively over Reid’s body.
"I love seeing you like this, so beautiful… naked and hard for me… let me
see you…"
The hot whispers
at his neck entranced Reid; and even as some part of his brain told him that he
should be ashamed at his behavior, he was too far gone, and the spell Hotch had
woven with his kisses and touches was too strong.
“Spencer, don’t be ashamed,
never for this; you are so beautiful.” Hotch’s eyes were always dark but now
they seemed as black as coals, burning with an intensity that made Reid shiver,
as he could almost feel the heated gaze on his chest, those burning eyes
leaving a ghostly trail of fire as they wandered from his chest to his navel
and further down to devour the part of Reid that ached to be touched. Again
Reid could almost feel the heat from Hotch’s eyes on his cock and he moaned
slightly, raising his hips towards the hands that hovered just inches away from
him.
"Aaron… please…"
---
Spencer’s voice was raw with
passion and need, and Hotch felt the response deep in his body. He had never
expected Spencer to react like this, had never even dreamed of this complete
and utter openness, and it shook him down to his core. He was the first man to
ever touch Spencer, and as he looked down at the beautiful man, he promised
himself that he would be the last. "I told you that I would taste every
bit of your skin…"
His whispered words were
accompanied by Spencer’s moan as Hotch gently bit one of Spencer’s nipples,
then he slid lower. He sprinkled soft kisses around the navel, a small nibble
here, a deep kiss there, taking his time in discovering Spencer’s body. His
caresses drew a deep moan from Spencer, and Hotch lifted his head. For a moment
he couldn't help but watch Spencer, but then he remembered his promise and let
his hand trail over the hairless chest down to the navel and finally, finally
over the tip of Spencer’s cock.
Spencer writhed with desire,
his body reacting to the maddening lightness of Hotch’s touch, and he lifted
his hips to get more friction. Hotch had waited for a sign that Spencer really
enjoyed the touch and now he bent down and swallowed him. Spencer’s cry of
shock quickly turned into a moan then almost into a sob as Hotch licked,
sucked, consumed, tasted him. Hotch felt Spencer’s fingers dig deep into his
shoulders, felt the tremors that started to run through the slender body, and
he knew that Spencer was close.
“Aaron, please stop...” The
words were unexpected, and with a frown Hotch looked up only to find Spencer’s
eyes on him. “Not without you, please, I don’t want to come alone.”
Hearing the plea and the
honesty in Spencer’s words, Hotch slowly moved up until he was again face to
face with Spencer and smiled. “Together, love, we’ll be together.”
He leaned down and captured
Spencer’s lips again while he worked a hand between their bodies and started to
stroke their erections together. The feeling of Spencer’s body so close to his
made him shiver, and he tried to hold onto his control, but when Spencer
started to move against him and the friction got stronger, Hotch felt his
desire grow until all control vanished and nothing but passion remained. His
movements were erratic, his breathing hard, and he shivered as he released
Spencer’s lips to draw in a breath.
“Now, love. Come with me.”
The gentle command had Spencer buck against him and then Hotch felt warmth
spread between their bodies, and with a cry he followed his lover as his body
shook and shivered in ecstasy.
---
This was what love was
about, Spencer thought as he lay in Hotch’s arms, safe and warm. It was nothing
calculated, nothing planned and certainly nothing he had chosen, and yet he
wouldn’t have wanted to change anything.
Aaron was the most unlikely
of choices, and yet, he was perfect.
Spencer smiled as he
snuggled closer and Hotch immediately tightened his arms around him.
“Are you alright?”
Hotch’s voice was drowsy but
loving, and with a smile, Spencer turned towards him. “I’m great.”
They were silent for a
moment, before Spencer spoke again. “He was right, you know.”
“Who was right and in what
aspect?” Hotch inquired gently and Spencer smiled tiredly before he gave his
answer.
“Marcel Proust.
He said that everybody who is not in love thinks that one chooses the person to
be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities
or advantages. He was right. I really thought that; I even had a list of
qualities that my lover needed.”
Somehow he’d expected Hotch
to laugh, but to his surprise Hotch tensed and his voice was colder as he spoke
again. “Is this the reason why you’re with me? Do I fit the list?”
Surprised at both the
question and the underlying arrogance in Hotch’s assumption, Spencer laughed.
“No Aaron, you certainly didn’t fit the list. You have some of the qualities,
but believe me being male and my supervisor aren’t points that made the list.”
Hotch relaxed against him,
and Spencer suddenly understood. He turned even more towards his lover and for
once it was him who held Hotch close. “I love you, Aaron, not the profiler and
not the special agent, just you.”
“Why?”
The fear in Hotch’s voice
took Spencer’s breath away, and he thought about it for a moment before he
shrugged. “I don’t know, Aaron, but isn’t that the thing about love, that you
don’t know why, that it doesn’t make any sense and yet you still love?”
Hotch leaned against him,
and as their eyes met, Spencer saw nothing but love in Hotch’s dark eyes. For a
moment their gazes locked, and then Hotch smiled before he leaned down and
tenderly kissed Spencer. “You’re right, Spencer, that’s what love is all
about.”
---
The End