Disclaimer: The concept and the people in the story are fictional and the property of several production companies. I only borrow them and return them unharmed and unmarked. No money is made of the story and no infringement is meant.

 

 

About friendship

 

By Valerie

 

The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one.

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

 

*New York*

 

“He would have handed his weapon over.” Gideon saw how Hotch tensed at his words, but as always none of Hotch’s feelings showed in his face. Sometimes he hated Hotch for his control, sometimes he wanted to see if his words affected the other man, but the only times that Hotch let his guard down around him at work was when Gideon himself was attacked.

 

The last thought made him pause and almost as if Hotch had read his mind, he answered the unspoken accusation coldly. “He had his gun trained on you, Jason; I wasn’t going to wait until he shot you.”

 

There was a slight tremble in Hotch’s voice, but Gideon decided to ignore it and simply repeated his last sentence again. “He would have handed me his weapon in an instant.”

 

Hotch turned away from him then, but his movement hadn’t been fast enough to hide the sudden surge of emotions in the dark eyes. Gideon felt remorse at the pain and sadness he saw and for a moment he was tempted to apologize before he called himself to order and turned towards Reid and the officers, giving them his statement while he pretended to ignore the widening rift between himself and Hotch.

 

The flight back was somber. None of them felt like playing cards and it seemed to Gideon as if the relaxed atmosphere they had established in the past few weeks had never existed. Elle and JJ were pretending to read, but he could see the looks that darted between him and Hotch. Morgan was typing in his notebook and his dark face was stern, the eyes hard when they met his, and Gideon shivered as he understood that Morgan blamed him for the rift in the team.

 

He sighed when his eyes finally met Reid’s. Reid was visibly uncomfortable, but whether it was because he was sitting between JJ and Elle or because of the tension around them, Gideon didn’t know. He saw no censure in Reid’s eyes and was relieved that at least one person in the team didn’t consider him the guilty party, but even as he thought that, Reid’s eyes moved over towards Hotch and the sudden concern in the young face made Gideon’s eyes follow Reid’s, and what he saw made his heart clench. Hotch was sitting alone, his back turned towards them, but even without seeing his face, Gideon knew that his friend was suffering and berating himself for the fatal shot he had made.

 

Gideon cursed himself, but as he started to get up and talk to Hotch, Morgan’s hand on his shoulder stopped him and dark eyes met his. “You’ve said enough to him for the day. Let me talk to him, okay?” Gideon swallowed hard at the unvoiced reproach, but he didn’t stop Morgan from walking towards Hotch.

 

He watched as Morgan carefully touched Hotch’s shoulder and saw how the other man tensed for a moment, before he relaxed slightly. He couldn’t understand what Morgan said, and he didn’t want to stare at them and so he closed his eyes, only to remember the past few hours. He relived how Hotch had immediately jumped at his defense when the crime reporter had spoken of the bombings, remembered Hotch talking and laughing, relaxed with the team. He smiled as he remembered him tease Elle, but the smile faded as he once again saw the stern expression in Hotch’s face as he had told him that he would accompany him into the apartment. He had already known then that Hotch’s decision was based on the protectiveness he felt towards Gideon.

 

He had wanted to stop Hotch, had wanted to leave him outside, but he hadn’t and now Hotch had killed someone because he had made a judgment call and had valued Gideon’s life higher than the killer's.

 

Gideon wanted to get up and tell Hotch that he had been right, and that he was grateful to be alive, but he couldn’t. Hotch and he had been friends for a long time, but since he had come back from his leave the friendship had changed. They were not mentor and student anymore, and one day Gideon had looked up and realized that the student he remembered had grown into someone he desired almost desperately, and the realization had shaken him. He had retreated then and they had grown more distant. Gideon knew with his behavior and attitude towards Hotch lately, and his reaction today, he was well on the way to destroying their friendship, and although the thought hurt, he wouldn’t stop now.

 

He couldn’t be what Hotch needed just as Hotch couldn’t be what Gideon needed, because after almost a decade, friendship suddenly wasn’t enough anymore.

 

---

 

*FBI HQ, Quantico, ten months later*

 

“You look tired, Gideon; go home and rest.” Hotch’s voice from the door made Gideon look up and he frowned as he critically eyed the other man. “So do you.”

 

Hotch smiled, but Gideon didn’t notice it as he struggled with the hurt of being called Gideon. A long time ago, Hotch had called him Jason, just he had used Hotch’s real name and it had been something just between them, something that had made their relationship different from the one they had with the rest of their team members. It had been the sign that they were more than just colleagues; they were friends... Had been friends, Gideon corrected himself mentally as he watched Hotch walk into his office and lean against the desk. He had no right to wish for the friendship between them, had no right to mourn the closeness, because it had been his actions that had broken the bond between them and still, Gideon shivered as he felt the impact of Hotch’s dark eyes resting on him. He felt that there was a question in them and suddenly it felt as if all those words they had never said were hanging right between them.

 

Hotch had never asked for a reason when Gideon had put their friendship on hold. He had tried to reach out to Gideon a couple of times, but after New York he had stopped. Looking at Hotch, Gideon suddenly wondered why the other man had never demanded to know why Gideon had turned away from him, but at the same time, he didn’t want to know the answer. Still feeling Hotch’s eyes on him, he shut down his computer and got up. Hotch followed him to the elevator, but when he didn’t get in, Gideon stopped the door from closing and looked at him. “What about you?”

 

He got another casual shrug as an answer and Hotch pointed back to his office. “I’ve got some paperwork to finish.”

 

“Don’t stay much longer, okay?” Gideon’s words got a nod from the other man and he knew that it would have to be enough. He wanted to say more, wanted to press Hotch into going home, but he also knew that the other man had no home to get back to anymore and that thought alone made him remain silent as he watched Hotch turn around and walk back to his office.

 

The doors closed and he saw himself mirrored in the shiny metal. The man looking back at him was not someone he wanted to see, and he turned his head away but even as he did so, he remembered a conversation between Reid and Morgan. The two younger team members had chatted to each other while waiting for the coffee to brew and without wanting to, Gideon had listened to their conversation.

 

“Hotch is getting a divorce. I hope he’ll be alright.” Gideon had known about the divorce, but the concern in Reid’s voice had made him tense and grind his teeth. The younger profiler had no right to be this concerned about Hotch and yet, even as the thought had entered his mind, he had shoved it away violently, focusing on Morgan’s answer instead.

 

“I’m not sure if he is alright; he’s different,t haven’t you noticed? He’s becoming more and more like Gideon.” Morgan made it sound as if it was a bad thing, but before he recovered from the surprise, Morgan had spoken again. “Hotch is his student, after all. And you know that every student unconsciously mirrors his mentor.”

 

The easy words had hurt then and they still hurt now as he leaned against the wall and remembered the last bit of the conversation. It had been Reid who had spoken, Reid whose words had made him ache with loss. “He was Gideon’s student. Now I thought he was his friend.”

 

---

 

The house was nice looking, the lawn was green and cared for and the white fence around the property had been repainted only recently. Gideon sighed as he saw the colorful flowers that had just started to bloom in the flowerbeds that framed the grass. It all looked so normal. The property was the perfect picture of small town America, from the white fence to the flag that fluttered in the wind.

 

Picture perfect at the front and yet he could only imagine what kind of horrors went on behind the shiny glass windows. It had taken them over three weeks to find the unsub and the delay had cost three victims’ lives. The knowledge that they too had been fooled by the perfect façade that their killer had put on made Gideon grind his teeth, but he knew that even the BAU agents were only human.

 

He looked at the watch and spoke into his communication unit to alert Morgan of Hotch’s arrival. They had several officers and cops in the area, while Morgan and Elle were in a car right at the end of the small street and Gideon and Reid watched the final act from the coordination van. Gideon’s eyes were fixed on the camera that showed Hotch slowly walking up the path to the door and his heart started beating faster. He hated to see anyone of his team in such a vulnerable position, hated it and feared for them, but his fear was even worse when Hotch was involved. It wasn’t rational and he knew that only too well, but he would have preferred to be the one trying to lure their unsub out of the house. He couldn’t, unfortunately. The killer knew his face and would have smelled the trap the minute he saw Gideon. Hotch’s decision to go himself made sense and yet, Gideon couldn’t prevent the thrill of fear that ran through him as the other man knocked at the front door.

 

For a long time nothing happened and Hotch knocked again. He was about to turn away when Gideon saw the movement behind the window. He alerted Hotch quickly, told him to try again and without giving an indication that he had heard, Hotch turned back towards the door.

 

“He’s got explosives.” Reid’s shocked exclamation made Gideon tense and he stared horrified at the item the blond man was waving at them through the window. Throat dry, Gideon frantically grabbed the comm. unit and tried to warn Hotch, but it was already too late.

 

The entire house seemed to explode into one gigantic fireball and through the camera Gideon stared frozen as flames burst through the windows. Before he realized what he was doing, he was running towards the house, running towards the place where Hotch had stood only moments ago. His legs felt like lead and it was like watching himself in a movie. He saw himself running towards the burning ruins, saw the officers run away, heard the sirens of the emergency cars and he cried out for Hotch when in the middle of the flames and the debris he suddenly saw his face. He was still too far away from him, too far to see the dark eyes and yet he could have sworn that he could see the tears in them, tears that ran down the other’s cheeks and he shook his head in desperation.

 

Gideon cried out as he felt strong arms hold him back, stop him and prevent him from getting closer to the fire. He struggled against those that held him away from Hotch, and once again his eyes locked with Hotch’s. He saw the deep sadness in the dark depth, and once again shook his head as he understood the reason for the emotion. Hotch couldn’t die, he couldn’t, not now... Again he struggled against the arms holding him back, when another explosion rocked the ground and with horror and despair in his heart he watched as flames burst out of the door, enveloping Hotch and he last thing he saw was Hotch’s face twisted in a terrible mask of pain and fear.

 

Once again the boom of an explosion resonated through the area and then everything was silent. Complete and utter silence around him and Gideon felt as the others released him and he walked towards the burning house like in trance. He wanted to run, but he knew that there was no reason. He knew what he would find, knew that Hotch was dead and the thought alone sent him to his knees. He shivered at the cold that suddenly filled his soul and the knowledge that he would never see his friend again made him cry out in pain.

 

Hotch couldn’t be gone, couldn’t be dead and again a sob shook Gideon’s body as he mourned for the other man, a man who’d been his friend and his colleague. But Hotch had been so much more and as Gideon stared at the flames in front of him, he understood that this was the worst part of his pain; Hotch had died before Gideon had had the chance to ask for forgiveness, before he had a chance to explain, before he had a chance to tell him that he loved him.

 

Again sobs wracked him and he cried against the injustice and the pain he felt.

 

“Jason.” Soft words and even softer lips that touched his face and kissed his tears away; Gideon tensed at the sensation. “Jason, look at me, please look at me.” He was afraid to do so, afraid that he was dreaming, but the hands that made him look up were insistent and as he finally opened his eyes he trembled as he saw Hotch smile at him.

 

“Aaron.” He wanted to touch Hotch, wanted to ensure that his friend was real, but even as he held out his hand, the image in front of his eyes disappeared and the heat from the burning house scalded his skin. Hotch’s dark eyes vanished and were replaced by Morgan’s concerned gaze. Gideon blinked in confusion as he realized that he was lying on a stretcher and was being carried towards the ambulance. He tried to get up when Morgan’s hand pushed him back. Gideon shook his head trying to find Hotch and as he couldn’t find him he met Morgan’s eyes again. “Where’s Hotch?”

 

The concern in the dark eyes changed to a deep and unbearable sadness and Gideon suddenly understood that he hadn’t been dreaming. Hotch was dead; he had lost him. The loss hit him again and he stopped fighting against Morgan’s grip.

 

---

 

Gideon woke slowly and it felt as if he were fighting his wake to awareness, but when he was awake, he felt the wetness on his cheeks. His eyes itched and as he rubbed them he knew that he had been crying in his sleep. For a moment he wondered why that had been and then realization hit. “Hotch.”

 

He remembered the dream, remembered the explosion, the flames and the pain in Hotch’s face as the fire took his life. A shiver ran through him and he wiped his hands over his face. The dream had been so real, and as he looked at his hands, he saw that they were shaking. In his dream, he had lost Hotch and the thought hurt too much to even think about it. Slowly he got up and feeling like an old man, he walked to the bathroom only to stare at himself in the mirror.

 

Had it really been a dream?

 

The question made him freeze and his heart clench. Had he really only dreamt it or had he really watched Hotch die in front of his eyes?

 

Gideon was back in his bedroom and reached for his phone without even thinking about it, but before he could dial Hotch’s number he stopped himself. What was he going to say to the other man? They weren’t friends anymore, weren’t that close that he could explain it as a normal thing if he called Hotch on a Saturday morning and yet he couldn’t help the urge to make sure that the other man was alive.

 

“I thought Hotch was his friend...” Reid’s voice rang through his mind once again and he stared at the phone in his hand. Remorse filled him, but with it came the knowledge that it wasn’t too late yet, that he could still salvage the friendship, that he hadn’t lost Hotch. The emotions from the dream lingered on and swallowing once again he pressed dial.

 

“Hotchner” Gideon’s smile faltered at the curt response he got and for a moment his courage faltered, but once more he saw Hotch dying in front of him, and taking a deep breath, he started to speak. “Aaron, it’s Jason. I need to talk to you.”

 

---

 

“Aaron, it’s Jason. I need to talk to you.”

 

Hotch’s breath caught at the familiar voice and his heart sped up at the use of his first name. How long since he had been Aaron to Gideon? How long since he had heard the other man speak in such a friendly tone? He swallowed hard and suppressed any emotions before they could be heard in his voice.

 

“Do we have a case?” His voice wasn’t as stable as he had wanted it to be and he wondered if Gideon had heard the unspoken wish that they did indeed have a new case. Hotch felt terrible for thinking like this, but since he and Haley had separated, he hated days off. They only brought home the fact that he was alone, that he had lost not only his family but also his friends. Gideon had been a friend... Hotch shivered and pressed his eyes together against the onslaught of pain. He concentrated so hard on not thinking about anything that he almost missed Gideon’s response. “No, we don’t have a case... it’s something else... it’s... it’s personal.”

 

Hotch didn’t need to be a profiler to hear the insecurity in Gideon’s voice and although his common sense screamed at him that he should refuse, his heart for once overruled his mind. “Do you want to come over?”

 

There was a long silence during which Hotch berated himself for offering until Gideon spoke again and this time his voice sounded more confident although not by much. “You don’t mind?”

 

“No.” The answer had come too fast, but it was out before Hotch could stop himself. He stared at the phone when a thought suddenly occurred to him. “Do you know where I live?”

 

He had moved after he and Haley had separated and she had gotten the house after the divorce. It was fair, he guessed; she was, after all, the one raising their kid. Hotch took a deep breath. He refused to think anymore about his former life and waited for Gideon’s answer. “Yeah, I know where you live; I’ll be there in half an hour.”

 

The sound of the connection being cut off reached Hotch’s ear and he put the phone down with a frown. Why was Gideon coming over? Had something happened to one of the team? Another thought flashed through his mind and it made him frown even more. Why did Gideon know where he lived? He had never been here and Hotch hadn’t asked him to help when he had moved what little furniture he had.

 

Hotch glanced around and sighed. He had been living in the apartment for almost six months and although he now thought of it as his home, he still felt as if something was missing. When he had moved in, he had considered himself lucky to find a larger apartment. He hadn’t wanted to confine himself when it came to space and as much as he appreciated having a living room, a bedroom, an office and a separate guest room, lately when he had come home, he had felt the emptiness of the rooms like a stab in his heart.

 

‘What do you miss?’ The question came out of nowhere and he had no idea why his inner voice sounded like Morgan, but as he sat down on his couch, he couldn’t avoid it any longer. What did he miss?

 

He knew what he didn’t miss, or whom, more accurately. He didn’t miss Haley. He had loved her once, had promised her once to spend the rest of his life with her, but the love had faded over time. It had changed from the hot, mad, passionate love he had felt as a high school student to the grown love of an adult and then it suddenly had disappeared. He had never been unfaithful to his wife. He had never raised his hand against his son. He had never come home drunk. He had been the perfect model husband. And he had never been there.

 

Their divorce had been friendly, uneventful. They had talked about it with their lawyers, had agreed on a settlement and on the monthly alimonies and when they had both signed the dotted line, Hotch had realized that in reality they had gone separate ways for a very long time already.

 

He missed his son, and yet he didn’t, he couldn’t. He didn’t know Jack. He hadn’t been there for his first word, had seen his first steps on a video Haley had sent him, and sometimes when he had come home, his own kid had looked at him as if he was a stranger. Yes, he missed his son, but he couldn’t say that he missed Jack, because he had no idea who Jack was. It was maybe ironic that Jack had been his reason to do his job even when it was tearing him down. It was for him that he hunted down the killers and child molesters because with everyone he caught, he reduced the chances for his boy to be caught in the deadly net of these monsters. Every morning he had walked away from his kid to protect him. Jack had been his reason, and even now he still was.

 

So what did he miss? Why did he feel so alone, why the attacks of migraine in the middle of the night, why the lack of appetite, why the depression?

 

‘You know why.’ He wanted to shout at his inner voice, but he couldn’t silence it. Yes, he knew why and with a bitter smile, Hotch shook his head. Gideon... it all started and ended with him.

 

Hotch had been the odd man out in the FBI. Not only had he been older than most of the rookies, but he also had a background few of the agents had, and of course, being a former lawyer hadn’t exactly endeared him to the other agents. Still Hotch had persisted and worked hard to get a reputation and soon enough he had been on the fast track to the top. And then he had met Jason Gideon. When the famous profiler had taken Hotch under his wing, Hotch had been awed and had done everything to live up to Gideon’s expectations. They had had a student mentor relationship not unlike the one Gideon now had with Reid, but over the years as Hotch had gotten more experienced and more adept in what they did, the relationship had changed and a friendship had formed.

 

And then Boston had happened.

 

Hotch got up from the couch and leaned against the wall next to the window as he looked outside. He only had to close his eyes to be back at the scene again, back in the surveillance room watching horrified as the bomb went off, listening to the screams and the carnage without being able to help. He had been sure that Gideon had died that moment. When the paramedics had led Gideon outside, Hotch had broken down in the control room and it had been Morgan who had held him as he cried. He had never ever told anyone about Hotch’s break down and Hotch had never mentioned it again, but he knew that without the other agent he wouldn’t have been able to get himself enough under control to drive to the hospital and see Gideon.

 

Outside in the street there were kids playing ball, and Hotch smiled a bit as he watched them argue about whose turn it was to bat. Soon though his thoughts returned to Boston and the moment he had walked into Gideon’s room. He had never seen his friend that shattered and broken and it had taken everything in Hotch not to fall apart in turn.

 

He had needed to be strong first for Gideon, and then after it had become obvious that Gideon would not return to the BAU for a while, the responsibility had automatically gone over to Hotch. No one had ever asked him if he wanted to fill in for Gideon, no one had ever questioned if he was ready for the job. They all had just expected him to follow Gideon’s footsteps and to do his job and he had done it.

 

In that first couple of weeks, he had seen Gideon almost on a daily basis and their friendship had deepened. The older man had opened up to Hotch and Hotch in turn had told Gideon things that no one else knew about him, and out of their shared pain and grief, a deep bond had started to grow between them.

 

Hotch had never questioned the relationship he had with Gideon, had never assumed that it could ever end and again a bitter smile crossed his face. When he and Haley had gotten married he had known all about the statistical odds about them getting a divorce, but he had never thought that anything he could do would ever break his friendship with Gideon.

 

Never until he shot a man in New York and everything changed.

 

In less than a year he had lost a friend, a wife and a son.

 

‘So why is it only the loss of Gideon that hurts this much?’ Hotch sighed and turned away from the window. The question resonated through his mind and he shook his head in despair. He knew why, knew why the hurt of having lost his family paled in comparison to the hurt of losing his friendship with Gideon.

 

A long time ago, he had looked at Gideon and had been searching his approval. Later he had looked at the other man and seen his friend, but after Boston, his feelings had changed once more. In those days he hadn’t been looking for approval or friendship. He had been looking for a sign that his feelings were returned; he had been looking for love.

 

Staring outside, he shook his head. He had loved Gideon as deeply as he had loved Haley once, but lately the hurt and the feeling of betrayal had overshadowed the love. He had lost his ability to trust Gideon and he was old enough to know that love could not exist without trust. The thought that he had fallen out of love with Gideon should have made him feel relieved, but instead he felt drained.

 

Gideon had been the one constant in a crazy and changing world. He had been the one who had always been there. Hotch felt as if he would lose the last thing that mattered if he stopped holding onto the love he had once felt. It was as if by giving up on that dream, he was finally acknowledging that he had no one. Hotch sighed. He didn’t want to be alone, he didn’t want to be strong all the time, and with a tired groan, he wondered what he really was looking for.

 

‘You’re looking for love, but you’re looking in the wrong place.’ He pressed his eyes together, wanting to drown the voice out, and he shook his head against the image that appeared in front of his eyes. It was Reid’s face that had appeared more and more in his dreams lately. He saw the other profiler and often felt as if he were looking into a mirror and seeing a younger self, younger and yet already full of experience and sadness. He wanted to reach out and brush the sadness away and with an angry sigh he turned away from the window.

 

Gideon might be the wrong place to look for love, but Hotch didn’t think that falling for Reid was a better idea.

 

---

 

Gideon was nervous.

 

It was a rare occurrence for him to feel like this, and with a wry smile, he acknowledged the fact that most of the time he had felt nervous it had been in connection with Hotch. The younger man had always had the ability to make him lose his equilibrium and get through his protective shields. A shiver ran through Gideon as he remembered the dream, and involuntarily he sped up in an unconscious need to ensure that Hotch was alright. Fate was kind and soon enough he had not only managed to cross the city, but had also found a parking spot near the building where Hotch’s new apartment was in.

 

There was a moment of real fear when nothing happened after Gideon had rang the door bell, and for a horrifying moment, he wondered if he had only dreamt about the phone call with Hotch; but then the dark, calm voice came through the microphone and the door opened. Gideon took a deep breath and walked up to the floor on which Hotch lived. The door was slightly open, and as he walked inside his senses were assaulted by the presence of Hotch. Although Hotch had only lived in the apartment for a couple of months, he seemed everywhere, and Gideon found himself unconsciously soaking up the scent of the other man’s aftershave, the sounds of the classical rock music playing in one of the rooms, but most of all he reveled in the warmth he felt at knowing that Hotch was close to him.

 

“Hotch?” He called the other man’s name and smiled when Hotch stepped out of one of the rooms with his phone at his ear. The dark eyes twinkled lightly and he smiled at Gideon before he ended the call with a friendly good bye and put the phone down. “Sorry, Haley just called right when you arrived.”

 

Jealousy woke in Gideon, but he forced it down violently before he locked his eyes with Hotch and saw the apprehension in the dark pools. It suddenly dawned to him that Hotch had no idea why he was here, that the last words he had spoken to him had been harsh and unforgiving and with a sigh he took a step towards the younger man. “Can you forgive me for being an idiot?”

 

Hotch tensed. He closed his eyes for a second and as he opened them again, Gideon saw that they were blank. The pain that Hotch used his self control around him hit Gideon like a punch in the gut. He wanted to turn around and leave when suddenly the profiler in him took over. Hotch wasn’t shutting him out; he was protecting himself.

 

“When were you an idiot?” Hotch’s voice was guarded and his words were carefully chosen. Gideon watched as his friend sat down in on of the chairs and leaned back. He wasn’t going to make this easy on Gideon and Gideon sighed before he gave in.

 

“Every time when you offered your friendship and I refused it, every time when I pushed you away, every time when I should have been there and I wasn’t.” Every time when I should have told you that I love you, every time when I went to bed alone... He didn’t voice his last thoughts and watched as Hotch processed his words.

 

Finally the younger man looked up, and Gideon gasped at the pain and simmering anger in the dark eyes. Hotch’s hand trembled as he reached for the coffee that he had brought into the living room. He held the cup almost tenderly as he stared into the black liquid and then suddenly a shiver ran through him and he shook his head.

 

“You made a choice after New York, Gideon. And it was the choice that you couldn’t be my friend anymore. I accepted your choice and you know why? I accepted it because even then I acted like your friend. Funny, isn’t it?” The words were cold and hard, and Hotch couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

 

Gideon shivered. He had never realized how much he had hurt Hotch on that cursed day in New York, but he knew that he didn’t had the power to turn back the time and that all he could do was make sure he would never hurt the other man again.“I am sorry.”

 

Hotch looked at him and shook his head as another cold smile crossed his face. “You already told me that, Gideon, but what I don’t understand is why? Why are you sorry? I haven’t changed since then and neither have you; I would still take the shot and you would still condemn me.”

 

I would still put your life over his and you would still not understand.

 

The unspoken words hung between them and Gideon swallowed hard at the coldness he saw in Hotch’s eyes. He had hoped that Hotch would forgive him easily, had thought that he would just have to apologize and they would go back to their previous friendship, but he now realized that he had been wrong.

 

Hotch sighed and got up. “Look Gideon, if you came here to ease your mind or because you think that I am still angry with you, you needn’t have, I’m not angry. We stopped being friends long before New York; I just never saw it until then.”

 

Hotch had his back turned towards Gideon and he was looking outside. He remained silent for a moment, before he spoke again. “You know in all those years that I’ve known you, you never changed your mind on something that concerned your morals or ethics, so don’t start for my sake, ok?”

 

Again the words hurt and this time Gideon couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes or the instinctive flinch that he made almost as if he wanted to dodge the accusing words. Hotch didn’t notice, just as he didn’t notice the heavy sigh that escaped Gideon as he understood that he had come to his senses only to find out that he was too late.

 

A quote flittered through his mind and he shivered as he recognized the truth of it.

 

The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one.

 

He hadn’t been a friend, had he? He had lost Hotch and the thought hurt more than the dream had. His hand trembled as he pushed himself onto his feet and slowly walked towards the silent figure at the window. “I’m sorry, that’s all I can tell you. I never wanted to lose you, I never realized what I was doing until it was too late. I understand that you don’t want to resume our friendship, but if you ever need me, I’ll be there for you.”

 

He put one hand on Hotch’s shoulder and shivered at the tension he felt in the strong muscles. He wanted to stay and wrap his arms around the taller man, wanted to comfort him and help him relax, but he knew he couldn’t. “I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry.”

 

---

 

Hotch didn’t speak and he didn’t turn as Gideon walked out of the room. He didn’t move as he heard the door of his apartment open and close, and he was looking outside as Gideon walked through the small garden and onto the street. Only when the older man had disappeared from his view did he turn around and walk towards the couch with soft, careful steps. He made almost made it there, but as he was only about a feet away, his legs buckled and he sank onto the ground.

 

Gideon had been here in his home, had apologized and almost begged him to resume their friendship. It had been more than Hotch had ever dreamed of, so why had he shut him down? Why had he driven the other man away?

 

He laughed and then winced at the echo of the harsh, bitter sound. He knew why he had done it. He was tired, exhausted and he simply couldn’t open himself up to more pain. Forgiving Gideon... it would be so damn easy. And when the next time came around and he had to make a decision on whose life he valued more?

 

No, Hotch shook his head in defeat. He couldn’t open himself up to Gideon again. He couldn’t let himself get hurt like this again.

 

---

 

Reid’s heart was thumping heavily as he walked up the stairs to Hotch’s apartment. He had never been here before and he wouldn’t be here now, if Morgan hadn’t called him this morning. Apparently, Morgan had promised Hotch to help him with some furniture he had to set up, but had forgotten that he had a date with Garcia. He had literally begged Reid to go instead of him, and Reid, good hearted as he was, had accepted.

 

Good hearted? He shook his head as he stood in front of the wooden door; no there was nothing good hearted about him accepting to see Hotch. He had almost jumped at the chance to see his boss outside of work, to get a chance to see how he lived, who he was behind the mask of control. Reid sighed silently; yes, he liked Hotch and no, it wasn’t a crush. It was a lot more, it went a lot deeper and that was what had him hesitating right now.

 

What if Hotch wasn’t alone?

 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and raised his hand to knock at the door when it swung open silently. Reid froze and his mind immediately supplied him with ideas on the many reasons why this open door was a bad sign. What was the statistical rate for someone to be killed during a robbery? What was the... His mind reeled to a halt when he heard a muted sob and although he dreaded what he would find, he stepped inside.

 

It never occurred to Reid to call for back up or at least draw his weapon, or well, it hadn’t even occurred to him to take his weapon with him this morning; all he could think was that right behind the next door was Hotch, a Hotch who was crying, probably injured... maybe dying...

 

His hand trembled as he pressed the handle, and he mentally prepared himself for anything and still he stood frozen in the door at the sight of Hotch slumped on the floor, shoulders shaking, body shivering and quietly sobbing. For a moment Reid wanted to leave; he felt like an intruder and wanted to give Hotch some space when he noticed how the older man had his arms wrapped around himself, almost as if he was trying to give himself some comfort. His heart ached for the loneliness in the gesture and without thinking he stepped closer to Hotch, kneeled onto the floor next to him and quietly put a hand on Hotch’s shoulder.

 

“Hotch?” His voice quivered, but he didn’t notice as Hotch looked up and Reid felt overwhelmed by the wealth of pain in the dark eyes. Slowly the eyes cleared and Reid’s heart stopped as the pain was replaced by a guarded hope and joy. The same emotions colored Hotch’s voice as he smiled faintly. “Reid?”

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry that I just walked in, but the door was open. Morgan called this morning and told me he couldn’t make it, so I came instead and then I saw the door and I; I thought something had happened to you...”

 

He trailed off as he realized that he was rambling, but Hotch didn’t seem to have noticed; he just kept looking at him and slowly Reid began to feel uncomfortable under the steady, searching eyes. “Hotch, are you okay?”

 

The laughter that escaped Hotch was bitter and hard and it made Reid flinch. Hotch pressed his lips together and averted his eyes. “No, Reid, I’m not okay, do I look like it? I lost my best friend today, lost my wife, my son, my family... I couldn’t protect Elle from her own demons, couldn’t protect my brother from my...”

 

He broke off with a muted sob and Reid watched with an aching heart as his boss turned away from him. He debated what to do when another sob assaulted his ears and without thinking anything, he wrapped his arms around Hotch’s body.

 

 “I’m here, Aaron.” Reid murmured, pulling Hotch towards him as another sob escaped Hotch’s lips. He wrapped him in a comforting, protective embrace and his heart ached as the body in his arms shuddered and tensed before Hotch gave in and let himself he held.

 

Reid was processing the words he had heard and he tensed as he understood.

 

“I lost my best friend today.”

 

Gideon, he thought, what have you done to him? For the first time since he had become Gideon’s student, he felt anger at the older man and instinctively pulled Hotch closer towards his body.

 

“I’m here, I won’t leave.” He had no idea how he knew what to say. He certainly had no experience in comforting someone, but somehow he knew, somehow he knew that beneath the mask of control and strength, Hotch was as human as he was, as weak as he was and that he needed someone to lean onto. “I’m here for you.”

 

Slowly, Hotch got himself under control and the slender, yet strong body relaxed. Hotch turned around and without leaving Reid’s arms, he leaned back so that their eyes could meet. Reid’s breathe stopped as he noticed how peaceful Hotch looked right now. Gone was the pain in the dark eyes and the realization that he, Reid, had been the one to give Hotch such comfort, made his heart beat faster. Their eyes stayed locked and the gaze turned from questioning to intimate and with a shiver Reid broke the look.

 

“Thank you.” Hotch’s quiet words made Reid look up and he smiled at Hotch openly in return.

 

“It was...” Nothing, he wanted to say, but he trailed off and shook his head. No, it hadn’t been nothing; it had been everything and he would not lie to Hotch and belittle what he had just done.

 

Hotch looked at him quizzically when he remained silent and once again Reid acted spontaneously and said the first thing that came to his mind. “Thanks for letting me be here for you.”

 

For a second Hotch’s face darkened and Reid suddenly feared that he had gone too far, when Hotch smiled again. “I’m glad it was you.”

 

He got up then and held out a hand towards Reid and pulled him up easily. He sat down on the couch and waved at Reid to follow him. It was a comfortable silence between them when Reid slowly turned towards Hotch. “What happened, Aaron?”

 

Hotch remained silent for a moment, but when he started to talk it was as if floodgates had been opened. Reid listened to the words and felt his heart grow heavy. Hotch never spoke of love, but it was clear in every word that he loved Gideonand the longer he spoke the more Reid’s anger at his mentor grew.

 

Gideon had no idea, he thought, he had no idea how much he had hurt Hotch. At every step of their friendship, when he should have trusted, he had responded with doubt.  When he should have listened to the meaning behind the words, he ignored Hotch’s real words and in the end, just hours ago when he should have stayed and worked things out, he had left. And Hotch still loved him... and maybe that was what angered Reid the most.

 

“You love him.” The words were out before he could stop them and Hotch froze for a moment, before he smiled ruefully and nodded. “Yes, in a way I do, but I’ll never be able to trust him again. And without trust there is no love.”

 

Reid could understand that only too well, and he wanted to ask Hotch if he trusted him, but he didn’t dare. He was too afraid of breaking the mood and lost in his own thoughts, he startled when he felt Hotch’s hands on his shoulders. He looked up and met the dark, tender gaze. “You want to stay for dinner?”

 

It was only now that Reid remembered why he had come over. “Why don’t we set up the cupboard first?”

 

Hotch frowned, but his face cleared quickly and he shook his head. “That’s already done; I just forgot to call Morgan. I’m sorry, Reid...“ He stopped for a second, but then spoke again quietly almost as if he were speaking to himself. “No, I’m not sorry. I’m glad you’re here.”

 

Reid swallowed hard. He didn’t comment on it and as Hotch asked once again about dinner, he agreed happily. They prepared the food together, talking easily about any topic under the sun and later as they sat together on the couch, watching the flames of the two candles on the table, Hotch suddenly turned around and looked at him.

 

“I trust you, Spencer.” He didn’t say anything else, nor did he move any closer, but Reid understood what Hotch hadn’t said. Hotch might not love yet him, but he trusted him and that was a wonderful promise for the future.

 

And as for the present, he would enjoy the friendship that had developed between them, a friendship that didn’t need words, a friendship that wasn’t based on ethics or morals, but on understanding. Reid smiled as a quote flittered through his mind and he wondered if Gideon had ever heard it too.

 

The only reward of virtue is virtue; the only way to have a friend is to be one.

 

End