The concept and the people in the story are fictional and the property of several production companies. I only borrow them and return them unharmed and unmarked. No money is made of the story and no infringement is meant.

 

 

The Consequence of Choices

 

By Valerie

 

I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.

Elisabeth Kubler Ross

 

Outside the elements battled fiercely. Lightning flared up in an unnatural cold light that made the trees glow like ghosts and the snow covered world seem blue against the black sky, the surreal light held the city in its grasp for a moment before the roar of a thunder crashed the silence and the skyline was once more hidden in the darkness of the night. The wind seemed to chase the clouds high above at the sky, as if it wanted to prevent them from stopping, prevent them from opening their gates.

 

Hotch sat in the darkness of his office while he watched the scenery outside in silence. He had been working late, writing reports and reading performance appraisals when the eerie silence around him had made him look out of his window. The power of the spectacular blizzard had him transfixed and even as his phone rang, he didn’t turn away from the flashes of light and darkness. The weather was calming him in a way that surprised him, the explosive relief of tension made him relax almost against his will and slowly he loosened his tie. He was tired in a way that already bordered at exhaustion and yet he knew that there was more to it than simple lack of sleep. Hotch wasn’t one of the bureau’s best profilers for nothing, his ability to see behind masks was legendary and he couldn’t lie even to himself.

 

He couldn’t sleep anymore, he couldn’t find rest, couldn’t close his eyes without seeing Vincent Perotta in front of his eyes again. He saw the paranoid killer in front of his eyes and in his dreams their roles were reversed. He saw himself going down the other path and he heard his own words being thrown back at him.

 

“Your father beat you up every chance he got. Paranoid personalities develop in childhood. And you learned to take the beatings, the abuse, you learned to smile. But in the back of your mind you probably thought, one day. One day when I’m big enough. So you were bullied and abused and you became an abuser and a bully, it’s a logical progression. Your mother knew. She knew that he beat up every day. And she did nothing to help you. And you still loved her, even though she let you get hurt you loved her. And I wondered why. Why you didn’t hate her. And of course I realized that he beat her up as much as he beat you. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive violent household, it’s not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.”

 

“Some people?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“You said some people grow up to become killers.”

 

“And some people grow up to catch them.”

 

The case had happened long ago, and still he couldn’t get rest. He dreamed of the interrogation, but in his dreams it was Gideon who spoke and Hotch himself was the one being questioned. In his dreams, he was the killer.

 

Hotch shivered as another thunder rolled over the countryside. He wanted to go home, but he had no home anymore. His eyes fell onto the large suitcase in the corner and he smiled bitterly. It represented all his failings, all the dreams he had lost. He had left his house this morning and he had known that he would not return again. Haley had asked him to go and he had not found the strength to argue with her. Some part of him felt that he deserved to be banished from his own home; some part of him had even been glad that the silent cold war between him and his wife had come to an end. And yet, it had not been easy to leave, to say goodbye to the woman he had once loved; to the child he had never had the time to get to know. He had stood there for a long time watching the small baby sleep. Already at the door, he had turned and once again glanced at Haley. Her face had shone in the morning sun and he had wanted to explain and yet he had known that nothing could make the pain less, and no explanation could make her understand.

 

He wished he had been strong enough to forget his past and move on, wished that he had trusted her enough to catch him when he fell, but he knew he would never be able to let her see him so vulnerable. He had never trusted her with the dark secrets from his past, had never trusted her not to judge him by what had happened and maybe she had felt that lack of trust.

 

Lighting illuminated the darkness once again and Hotch suddenly understood something that he hadn’t seen before.

 

It wasn’t his job or his past that had made him fail in his marriage. It had been his decision to trust someone other than his wife. It had been an unconscious choice he had made. He hadn’t even realized it at the time he had made it, but a long time ago, he had chosen to place his trust in Jason Gideon and not his wife. His choice had cost him his marriage.

 

And yet he wouldn’t change it, even if he could go back in time.

 

------

 

Jason Gideon looked at Spencer Reid as the BAU’s resident genius read the latest ‘suicide note’. Reid spoke slowly, almost as if he were analyzing the note even as he read it to them. They had seven victims so far and all of them had been killed in the exact same way. They had been drugged and then driven to a bridge and pushed down. All their victims had been male, all had been in their early forties and all had had a suicide letter in their pockets.

 

“Don't ever think I didn't love you!

 

I loved you even before I met you and I will keep on loving you until we meet again.

 

Don't ever blame yourself…

 

If it weren't for you, I had never known love. I had never made it that far.”

 

All the fake suicide notes had had the same wording, and Gideon looked from Reid to Morgan and on to the rest of the team. They all were focused on Reid and Gideon saw how they listened intently. Elle and JJ were taking notes, while Morgan played with his ball and Hotch leaned against the wall. It was his face that made Gideon pause as Reid continued to read the letter.

 

“I can't go on anymore.

 

I want to avoid their looks. I want to escape their expectations.

 

They expect so much; the pressure is too high.

 

I can never be good enough.

 

I am tired and exhausted. I only want to sleep. I only want to hide.

 

I can't face them anymore.

 

You know how snow melts in spring?

 

I want to disappear.”

 

Hotch knew those feelings. The thought came out of nowhere, but it made Gideon reel with the implications. His casual observation of the other man suddenly turned into an intent examination and he noticed the lines of exhaustion around Hotch’s eyes. He had lost weight and seemed paler than usual, and with a start Gideon asked himself why he had not noticed. His best friend was close to breaking down and he had not seen it. Suddenly trembling with the realization, Gideon froze when Hotch looked up and their eyes locked. Hotch’s eyes were dark and there was a depth of exhaustion that shook Gideon to the core, but as quickly as the emotions had appeared they were masked again and Hotch smiled casually. Gideon averted his eyes and forced himself to listen to Reid.

 

“Like last years snow I want to fade from everybody's memory.

 

I want to be forgotten by the world.

 

Please forgive me!

 

I will always think of you.

 

I will always love you.

 

But sometimes love ain't enough”

 

The last words seemed to resonate through the room and for a second there was silence, then Hotch pushed himself away from the wall and faced his team.

 

“So what do you think?”

 

It seemed as if everyone had a different opinion and for a while they talked about the meaning behind the notes found. They all agreed that the letters were written by the killer, someone who was literate and definitely educated, when Hotch suddenly spoke again.

 

“The letter is real.”

 

Silenced for a moment, the others stared at him. Gideon felt dread crawl up his spine and swallowed hard. Like before there was a depth of knowledge in Hotch’s eyes that scared him and as Morgan shook his head and challenged Hotch to explain, something in Gideon wanted to call a halt. He didn’t though, instead he looked at Hotch.

 

“Look at previous cases with fake suicide letters, they sometimes contain a plea for forgiveness or plead with an absent lover not to blame themselves. Often the words ‘I can’t go on.’ are used. But you rarely see letters that give such graphic details that speak of being tired or wanting to disappear. None of them gave explanations such as too high expectations or not being good enough.

 

I think that the letter triggered all the killings. This is a real suicide letter, and if we find who wrote it, we will find the killer.”

 

Hotch fell silent for a moment, before he moved towards the window and looked outside. Gideon felt the sudden tension in the room as everyone waited for Hotch to continue speaking. Normally he loved this, loved to watch Hotch when he was in his element, but today it was different, today Gideon felt as if he was watching from the outside and instead of following Hotch’s train of thought, he felt himself wondering about the man himself.

 

“The killer has lost someone through a suicide. They found a note similar to the one we’ve just found. The note speaks of ‘them’ as the cause for the suicide and the killer now wants to get revenge on ‘them’. So if all our victims belonged to ‘them’ what is it that the killer looks for?

 

Morgan, you and Reid, look at the victims again, what have we missed, what do they have in common?

 

JJ, we need all the files on all the registered suicides in the area. Go back a year or two ok?

 

Elle, call the help lines and check with support groups, maybe the unsub was seeking help at one stage.

 

Gideon...”

 

Gideon didn’t let Hotch continue as he interrupted him quietly. “Hotch, we need to talk.”

 

Hotch looked at him and shrugged with a nod. It wasn’t unusual that Gideon wanted to discuss an investigation in private. He walked over to his office and knew without looking back that Hotch would follow him; still he jumped a bit when he heard the door fall closed. For a moment, they both just looked at each other and again Gideon noticed the tell tale signs of exhaustion in Hotch’s face and body. His heart ached for the other man and once again he asked himself how he had been so blind.

 

“Something wrong?”

 

Hotch’s question made him look up and the honest and open concern he saw in the dark eyes broke his heart. Gideon wanted to hide in shame, because he knew why he had not seen the exhaustion and tiredness, knew why he hadn’t looked at Hotch close enough to notice the signs of a break down. Looking at Hotch meant acknowledging the feelings he had for the younger man, it meant seeing the unattainable and having to deal with the pain of unrequited love. It had been self-preservation that had made him turn away from Hotch and still, the argument wasn’t enough to justify what he had almost not seen.

 

“I think that’s what I should ask you.”

 

Hotch didn’t tense, but he sighed as he sat down in one of the chairs. He didn’t speak, just looked at Gideon and obviously waited for him to explain. “You look tired and close to breaking. You know the feelings that were expressed in the letter, don’t you? You have been there, maybe you’re still there.”

 

Speaking the words made them so awfully real and Gideon could feel himself trembling with fear as he looked at Hotch. How close to breaking was he?

 

“Not like you think, Jason. Yes, I’m exhausted and tired. But you know me better than to think that I would ever contemplate suicide. I’ve been having a hard time sleeping and everything and yes, I am tired. But, it’s a phase, so don’t worry ok?”

 

Hotch spoke casually, but there was seriousness in the dark eyes that made Gideon pause for a moment. There was more to the simple statement than met his eyes and taking a chance, Gideon looked at Hotch again. “What if I want to worry?”

 

As controlled as he always was, Hotch still wasn’t able to mask his surprise at Gideon’s question. He swallowed hard and Gideon saw that he wanted to say something, but he stopped him by walking over and sitting down in the chair next to him. “You were there for me when I broke down, you never blamed me, and you never considered me unfit. No matter what the higher ups told you to do, you were at my side. Let me make it up to you, let me be there for you too?”

 

Gideon wanted to say more, but was suddenly very conscious of where they were and that everyone could walk in on them. He wanted Hotch to understand that it was more than just him trying to pay him back for when he had been there for Gideon, but he was afraid of the fallout and swallowing hard, he fell silent. Hotch’s hand on his made him look up. There was an unreadable expression in the dark eyes, before they closed and opened again to reveal the normal calm surface. “You don’t have to do this, Jason. I wanted to be there for you and I am not expecting some kind of payment.”

 

How well he knew his friend... Gideon wanted to laugh, even though he felt like crying. He wanted to tell Hotch how important he was, that he too wanted to be there, but the door opened with a bang and Morgan walked inside, his face alight with excitement. “We got something.”

 

They both got up and followed Derek, but at the door, Gideon held Hotch back. “Come over tonight, we don’t have to talk, just... just let me be there ok?”

 

Again Gideon saw that unnamed emotion appear in Hotch’s eyes, before he nodded slowly. “I’ll come over later.”

 

---

 

Hotch didn’t know what had just happened. He was a profiler and still he couldn’t figure out what had passed between him and Gideon. He had expected a talk about the case. A quick discussion on how to proceed with the case, another walkthrough the evidence in order to check if their assumptions were right, maybe even a slight reproach for his forward approach, anything but Gideon’s open concern about him.

 

What if I want to worry?

 

Such a simple question and yet it had turned Hotch’s world upside down. It wasn’t’ that he hadn’t believed that Gideon cared about him as a friend. He knew that the older man did, but there had been more, more than just friendship in the dark eyes and it had made him shiver.

 

He remembered the stormy night a couple of weeks ago, when he had finally made the admission to himself that long ago he had given his heart to Gideon. Hotch had accepted the truth and had moved on. Now, Gideon had managed to shock him to his core, but he couldn’t focus on the possibilities, not without risking throwing the case.

 

I’ll come over tonight.

 

His own words and Hotch shivered a bit as he considered the implications of them, before he shoved everything aside and concentrated on the information that Morgan and Reid had dug up.

 

---

 

Gideon had watched Hotch secretly as they had gathered the information, then had driven to their suspect’s house and had finally found the man dead in his bed. Through all the time, Hotch kept his calm mask perfectly in place and never even seemed to waver. He directed the team and spoke to the other authorities and was completely professional until they were back in the office.

 

There he sank into a chair and buried his head in his hands for a moment. Gideon saw the surprised looks that Hotch got and was ready to interfere when Hotch looked up and smiled at the sudden silence in the room. He seemed more amused than affronted and shook his head while he looked at each of their team members.

 

“You ok?” Elle’s tentative question widened the smile on the handsome face and for a second Gideon felt jealousy wake in him. He oppressed it immediately, but couldn’t help feeling relieved when Hotch dismissed her concern with a wave of his hand.

 

“I’m fine, just tired.”

 

They all were and so, Hotch’s statement was accepted easily and Gideon watched as one by one the other profilers cleared their desks and left for the night. In the end, it was him, Morgan and Hotch left and sitting in his office, Gideon saw as Morgan leaned down and spoke with Hotch. He wished for the ability to read lips and felt tense until Morgan laughed and walked away from Hotch while he shook his head in amusement. He gathered his jacket and left and right in that moment, Hotch turned around and Gideon’s eyes met the dark eyes across the office.

 

Something tangible was in the dark gaze, and to Gideon it felt as if a connection was established. It was a different kind of bond, not the deep friendship that had existed between them so far, no this one was deeper, stronger and yet at the same time so much more fragile that he was almost afraid of acknowledging it.

 

“You ready?”

 

Hotch blinked a bit, and then he smiled and nodded. Gideon recognized the exhausted, but satisfied look in Hotch’s face. It was the satisfaction and exhaustion that always followed when a case was closed and they had once again managed to prevent another killing. It was a good feeling, but at the same time it was also the perfect moment for a collapse to happen. He stepped closer to Hotch almost involuntary and pointed towards the door.

 

“Let’s get out of here.”

 

He let Hotch walk ahead of him, and as his friend passed through the door, he put his hand on Hotch’s back almost as if he wanted to guide the younger man. He could feel the heat from Hotch’s body through the suit and the shirt and barely managed to suppress a shiver when they stopped in front of the elevator. Hotch hadn’t moved away, instead he seemed to enjoy the soft contact and a smile played on his face as Gideon looked at him.

 

“Do we need to stop for take away? Or are you going to cook?” Hotch’s words were soft and Gideon grinned at the light teasing. He met Hotch’s eyes and was taken aback by the emotions in those dark pools. Trust, concern, longing... He had to shake himself and answered Hotch’s question with a shrug.

 

“We can call for delivery, are you ok with that?”

 

He tried not to read anything into the fact that Hotch just followed him to his car and never mentioned taking his own. It was no good, he told himself. Hotch had spent enough nights on his couch, so it was only natural that his friend would assume that today was no different.

 

On the drive home, they talked about the case, the team and the various things that went on within the FBI. It was small talk and Gideon was almost painfully aware not of what was being said, but of what they didn’t speak of. Finally they were home and after Gideon had ordered some Chinese food for them, he went to his bedroom to get changed and then got and paid for the food before brought their dinner into the living room and sat down on the couch next to Hotch.

 

Hotch had fallen asleep on the couch and Gideon simply sat there and looked at his friend. He didn't think that he could ever tire of studying the other man like this. Especially studying his face, the dark brows curved over the closed eyes, the dark brown hair not yet marred with grey and the deep lines in his face. Lines that shouldn’t be there, lines that belied Hotch’s youth. Hotch had the face of a man who had already seen too much, someone who knew too much of the dark side of life and the lines in his face told Gideon their own tale. He had not known the abused young boy but he had seen him in Hotch’s reactions when abused children were a part of their cases and now he saw the same young boy in the young and yet tired face. Aching for the boy and the man, Gideon wished to be able to protect him from harm, that he could go back in time and shelter the young boy from his father and yet knew that he couldn’t. He ached for his friend, but he could only promise him to be there in the future.

 

Gideon’s feelings had been close to the surface all day and now they became too strong and suddenly it was impossible not to touch Hotch and his fingers gently caressed his face feeling his skin under his fingertips for the first time. Hotch murmured something intelligible in his sleep and Gideon jerked back as if his fingers had been burnt. In a way they had been, he knew that he was playing with fire, knew that by touching Hotch like this he was walking a fine line between consensual and non consensual touches and yet he couldn’t stop caressing the man who meant so much to him until Hotch once again mumbled something and Gideon moved away quickly.

 

“Dinner is ready.”

 

For a moment Hotch tensed, but as he opened his eyes Gideon saw only contentment there. For a moment Hotch looked a bit bemused and shook his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

 

The words were as good an opening as any and Gideon sighed lightly. “What’s going on Aaron?”

 

Hotch turned and their eyes met, Gideon was very much aware that by using Hotch’s first name he had brought them away from the job. Hotch knew that he wasn’t asking as another agent, but as his friend and as he sighed, Gideon knew that now he would get the truth.

 

“You remember the Perotta case?” Gideon nodded at the question and Hotch continued slowly, almost insecure. “I dream of him every night. And in those dreams, I am him. I am the one who killed and tortured these people; I am the one who went down the wrong path. It so easy to see myself sitting there...”

 

Hotch trailed off and Gideon saw the shiver that ran through him. He wanted to reach out and comfort the younger man, but his fear made him hold back.

 

“Haley noticed that I wasn’t sleeping and she kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t...” This time Hotch shivered violently and Gideon couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He reached out and put a comforting arm around Hotch who turned into the caress and let himself be held.

 

“Why didn’t you tell her?” Gideon was almost sure that it had nothing to do with the classified state of the case. He felt honored that Hotch was talking about the dark dreams that plagued him. Aaron Hotchner was an intensely private man, and here he was telling him about dreams and nightmares that not even his wife knew about.

 

“She doesn’t know about my father. I never told her. I never trusted her enough.”

 

The words were whispered and Gideon swallowed as he understood the enormity of what Hotch had just told him. He wanted to remain silent, but he couldn’t. “But you trust me.”

 

Hotch turned towards him and Gideon’s breath caught when his friend smiled softly and leaned towards him. Their faces were inches apart, but to his surprise, Hotch didn’t move closer just leaned his forehead against Gideon’s. The gesture was somehow more intimate than a kiss would have been and Gideon shivered as he felt Hotch’s soft fingers on his face. “Yes, I trust you.”

 

---

 

Gideon was trembling as he touched him. Hotch felt the small tremors that were running through his friend and all of a sudden he understood and a lump formed in his throat.

 

“I trust you, Jason.” He repeated again and this time his words had a different effect and Gideon slowly relaxed in his arms. Hotch felt humbled as he held his friend and was held at the same time. He had dreamed of this for so long, had drawn up so many scenarios in the nights when he had been unable to sleep, but now that it was happening he realized that nothing could have prepared him for the emotions that broke through his walls.

 

“Jason.”

 

It was all he could say when their lips finally met. Hotch shivered at the touch of Jason’s lips against his. They were soft and yet strong, just as he always imagined them. He moaned as Jason’s tongue caressed his lips and instinctively responded to the silent question by opening his lips. The entire kiss had an almost dream-like quality, the gentleness and softness making Hotch tremble with more than just desire. Gideon looked up and his eyes sparkled while his hands that gently held onto Hotch. It felt unreal. Hotch wasn’t sure if he wasn’t dreaming when Gideon spoke suddenly.

 

“You’re nothing like him.”

 

He had heard that line before, but now with Gideon looking at him with such a determination, Hotch allowed himself to believe. He looked into Gideon’s eyes and saw love there, love and trust. He wanted to say something when he heard the rumbling of his stomach and finally laughed openly for the first time in a long time.

 

“Looks like you’re hungry.” Gideon’s words were meant innocently enough, but as they kept looking at each other they suddenly took on a different meaning and Hotch smiled lightly.

 

“Yes...” The one word carried all the desire he felt and he saw how Gideon shuddered in response before he pulled away and reached for the food that stood next to them on the table. They ate almost in silence, and Hotch could feel the tension rising higher and higher between them until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

“How long?”

 

Gideon looked at him and didn’t even pretend to not understand. He smiled almost depreciatively and shrugged. “When did we meet?”

 

It should have shocked Hotch, but at the same time it didn’t and smiling too he shook his head, before his smile faded and he stared at his food.

 

“I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.”

 

Intrigued Gideon looked up and smiled a bit. “Who said that?”

 

Hotch grinned, it was rare that Gideon didn’t know the source of a quote, but then it wasn’t exactly a classical quote. “Elisabeth Kubler Ross” He wondered what Gideon would make of the fact that he was quoting the words of a psychologist who was famous for her work with dying people, but he was surprised when the older man turned towards him and caressed his face tenderly.

 

“I never thought, I would have a chance, I was sure that you had made your choice long ago.” The words were spoken with a quiet matter of fact way and they made Hotch’s heart ache. He shook his head and smiled sadly.

 

“I made my choice a long time ago; it just took me too long to understand it. You were my choice even back then, you were the one I trusted to catch me. It was always you.”

 

---

 

It was always you.

 

They had wasted too much time and yet maybe it was good like this. He wasn’t sure if he had been able to mentor Hotch the way he had and be his lover at the same time. Now they were equal, they were on the same level and as their eyes met again, Gideon felt the spark of desire flare between them again.

 

In the rare occasions when he had allowed himself to fantasize about him and Hotch, their lovemaking had been careful, controlled, but as he now held Hotch in his arms and steered his soon to be lover towards the bedroom, he suddenly understood that he didn’t want careful and controlled. Instead he wanted to see the exact opposite. He wanted to see Hotch losing his control, wanted to break the walls down and see the real man behind the control.

 

"What is it that you want, Aaron? What do you want?"

 

He felt the shiver that ran through Hotch’s body and saw how the younger man blushed a bit. "I'd rather show you." The words made Gideon smile, but at the same time, he needed to hear the words, needed them to silence those voices in his head that told him that he was dreaming. “I need to hear you say it, need to know that you really want me."

 

"I have dreamed of you, Jason, every night and I dreamed that you would touch me everywhere, that you would take me, that you would break through my control and make me yours completely." Involuntarily, Gideon’s hands tightened around Hotch’s waist and as if his reaction had encouraged Hotch, he continued to speak. "I want you to take me, make me yours and I want to make you mine. All I am is already yours, it was for a long time and it's time for you to claim it."

 

It was more than Gideon had ever expected to hear, more than he’d ever dreamed off and with his own hands trembling now; he reached for his lover and slowly started to unbutton the white shirt. "I have waited so long for this."

 

His voice had faded into a whisper as he caressed the muscled chest any aggressiveness he showed before banked away for the moment. Gideon knew that his hands were shaking, but he needed this moment to ground himself. Hotch on the other hand didn’t have any of it and leaned down himself to kiss Gideon’s neck. His lips were hot and soft, but his voice was simultaneously demanding and pleading as he whispered against Gideon’s skin. "I need you, not soft and gentle but hard and you... I want you to lose control."

 

Gideon stared at Hotch in shock, but before he could say anything, he felt Hotch’s teeth nip sharply at the tender skin at his neck. Pain made him tense, but with the pain came the other emotions like passion and desire. With a growl he ripped his own shirt open and pushed Hotch on the bed. He was working like in a trance as he got first Hotch’s pants and underwear off, and then his own. Only then did he allow himself to look at the man on his bed. Hotch was incredible, he was naked, aroused and completely exposed to Gideon’s eyes. "Fuck, you're beautiful"

 

And that he was. Hotch was all long legs, slender and yet strong with his broad, muscular chest defined and chiseled in hours and hours in the gym, the dusky nipples and the trail of hair from his belly button down to his cock. Feeling a bit self conscious at seeing this wonderful body, Gideon ran a hand over his much less defined chest and was surprised when he heard a moan from the bed. Hotch was staring at his hand and shaking his head in denial.

 

"Jason, I need you now, I can't wait... I need you inside me."

 

Hotch was shivering with need and urgency and all Gideon could think about was how he had never seen his friend so vulnerable. It finally dawned to him how deeply Hotch trusted him and the thought floored him completely. He grabbed the lotion from the side table and carefully sank down onto the bed next to his lover. Once again he met Hotch’s eyes and as he touched him for the first time at his entrance, he leaned down and kissed him gently. “I love you.”

 

---

 

“I love you.”

 

Within moments Hotch felt Gideon’s finger at his entrance and a shiver of anticipation ran through him. This was Gideon touching him, Gideon who looked at him with love in his eyes and Hotch shivered with desire even as he struggled to respond to the vow of love. "Jason, love you..." He gasped when his lover touched the spot inside him and balled his hands into the sheets. “I need you...” He had never felt this out of control before, had never allowed himself to let go to such a degree and it was a wonderful feeling. Gideon however was obviously still able to control his desires and consequently shook his head at Hotch’s plea. “You are not ready... I won’t hurt you."

 

The love and determination in Gideon’s voice washed over Hotch like molten honey, but his need for the other man was stronger than anything else. Under normal circumstances he would have been embarrassed by his behavior, but right now he wasn’t thinking clearly as he grabbed the lotion and poured some on his hand. Caressing Gideon’s face with one hand, he reached out to touch his lover’s cock and applied the lotion to it. Gideon groaned and Hotch saw the moment when his resolve broke and he shuddered. "Stop Hotch, please stop...”

 

"Take me"

 

"Oh god yes" Gideon’s words turned into one long moan as he slid into Hotch’s body with one thrust. It hurt for a moment but then Gideon was deep inside his body and it was like everything was falling into place, like the one missing piece of the puzzle in his life had finally been found. It hurt and yet it didn’t and as Gideon moved tentatively, he opened his eyes and found his gaze captivated by Gideon’s eyes.

 

They moved in complete synchrony, their bodies were perfectly in motion and the hard thrusts made Hotch cry out each time he felt himself overwhelmed by the emotions he saw in Gideon’s eyes and the feelings that cursed through his body. They looked at each other until they couldn’t hold the look anymore and the emotions became too much.

 

He came screaming Gideon’s name and as his breathing returned to normal he felt the hot release inside his body while he heard Gideon’s moan of his name. It was frightening and yet completely freeing and it was probably the first time that Hotch had heard his name spoken like this.

 

“Aaron”

 

Later when they had calmed down, they were lying in each other’s arms and Hotch felt calm, soothed in a way he had never known before. Gideon’s hand trailed over his back in a tender caress while his eyes met Hotch’s.

 

“I love you and I’ll never let you go.”

 

Hotch smiled at the soft words and shook his head, but before he could say anything, Gideon stopped him. “Don’t, Aaron, don’t pull away from me. Let me be there for you, just as you are there for me.”

 

He understood that it was as vital to Gideon as it was to him and so he let himself he held until he felt sleep tugging at the edge of his consciousness. He felt Gideon’s arms around him, felt safe in the knowledge of the other man’s love for him and the feeling of safety and love made him relax enough to fall asleep.

 

---

 

Gideon watched his sleeping lover with a tender smile. He had dreamed of Aaron Hotchner for a long time and now finally he had him in his arms. Feeling tired, he leaned back and tugged Hotch closer to his body when suddenly a quote flittered through his mind and he smiled.

 

“The most beautiful people I have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

 

It fit, he thought, it fit that the quote came from Elisabeth Kubler Ross, the same woman that Hotch had quoted earlier.

 

Beautiful people didn’t just happen. Beautiful souls like Aaron’s often carried scars, but at least now, Gideon knew that he would be allowed to try and heal them.