*Chapter 4*

 

Mac had noticed the change in Nick and Danny’s relationship immediately. The two were much more relaxed around each other and at the same time Danny seemed to be almost protective about Nick. He should be glad about them being such good friends, but he couldn’t lie to him self. He wasn’t happy.

 

It bothered him and that too bothered him.

 

Mac had actually been tempted to pair Nick with Stella for their next cases, but the Greek hat just looked at him coldly at the suggestion and told him to suck it up. Or more accurately her words had been ‘if you can’t deal with someone wanting Danny, then you should do something more than just stare at him’. He had hidden himself in his office after that. And now he was here, sitting in the car next to Nick while they drove towards the crime scene.

“You seem to have gotten used to New York.”

God, he groaned at the harsh way his friendly meant words came out. He didn’t dislike Nick, he really didn’t, it was just that...

Nick looked at him and for a second it seemed to Mac as if the younger man was laughing at him, the dark eyes twinkling with amusement.

“I’ve started to settle in...”

Nick trailed off shrugging and Mac saw a quick smile that ran over the handsome face before Nick spoke again.

“Maybe running from Vegas was wrong and cowardly, at least it feels like that sometimes, but I have made that decision and most of the time I am happy with it.”

Mac was tempted to ask how much of Danny’s influence was behind the happy part of Nick’s words, but before he could say anything Nick continued while he stared thoughtfully out of the car window.

“I’ve realized that I can’t run away from whom I am.”

And suddenly Mac had the feeling that Nick was trying to tell him something and it irked him that he couldn’t figure it out. He didn’t know what to answer to the simple statement and they drove to the scene in silence. It took a while as the drive took them from Manhattan to Brooklyn where MTA employees had found two bodies in a closed subway tunnel and as Nick drove up towards the scene; Mac realized that there was a slight hesitancy in the younger man’s actions. For a second he wanted to call him on it, when the truth hit him and he tensed.

He had been this occupied with his jealousy that he had not thought about the specifics of this case when he’d told Nick that he was working with him. All he had cared about was that Nick and Danny were not working on the same case. Mac tensed at the realization of how his own emotions had clouded his judgment. It wasn’t his business what Danny and Nick did, no matter how much he wanted it to be and he had no right to punish Nick for being what he couldn’t be for Danny...

He had no right, because it wasn’t his business, because Danny wasn’t his...

“Sorry Nick, I had forgotten when I assigned the cases.”

The excuse sounded lame in his ears, but Nick just smiled. Yet even as Mac spoke those words another thought crossed his mind, a thought much worse and again he tensed.

Had he really forgotten? Or had he unconsciously wanted to punish Nick?

He shivered at the possibility and felt Nick’s eyes on him and looking up met concerned dark eyes watching him carefully. It almost made him cry, the fact that Nick was so concerned when he Mac himself was such an idiot.

“It’s ok Mac, really it is. But are you ok? You are very pale.”

It was in those moments when Mac was thankful for the years of training with the Marines as he called upon his control to appear cool and detached.

“I’m ok Nick, don’t worry. Listen, you don’t have to do this, I can call Stella if you want.”

He saw the moment of relief in Nick’s eyes, when the younger man’s attention was diverted from him and instinctively he followed Nick’s gaze to see Don Flack getting out of his car. For a moment Mac was annoyed, but turning his attention back to Nick he was surprised when he saw a myriad of emotions running over the handsome face.

Fear, anger, care, lust, longing... love?

Staring in shock, Mac caught himself when Nick got out of the car and hurried to meet the younger man at the back of their car.

“Nick, you don’t have to. No one will think less of you...”

One look made him trail off and while he watched Nick preparing his kit, he thought about what to say, when Nick spoke suddenly.

“Mac, we both know that it’s not the truth. Don has always been looking for my weakness and I won’t give him an open invitation to call my professional behavior into question.

Mac understood what Nick meant, but he wondered if Nick knew that it was more that professional approval that Nick craved from Flack. He wondered if the younger man had realized that he had called Flack ‘Don’ and how his eyes had darkened at the thought of Flack ridiculing him.

He didn’t think that Nick knew. But maybe he realized he was wrong about Nick and Danny.

And as he followed Nick towards the entrance, he promised himself to find out.

---

Nick felt Mac’s eyes on him as he took his kit and walked towards the subway entrance. As soon as he had seen Don standing there, he had steeled himself and straightened. He knew that the tall dark haired detective felt nothing but contempt for him, yet even that knowledge didn’t change the fact that he dreamed of him at night waking up hard and aching.

Sighing lightly, he pushed those thoughts away, but the memory of last night came back unbidden. He had dreamed of Don only hours ago, but that dream had been different. He had woken up in the throws of a nightmare shivering and shaking, had once again felt the walls closing in and subconsciously he had conjured up the one image that had kept him sane all those nights right after his rescue.

Consciously letting go of the dream had he imagined Warrick next to him, the feeling of his friend’s arms around him, his beloved holding him close whispering soothing words in his ear, protecting him with his body and love.

It had worked last night and he had calmed down, but just as he had been about to fall asleep the realization of something being different had made him wake up fully. It hadn’t been Warrick’s face that he’d seen in his fantasy. No, it had been blue eyes instead of green, dark soft hair instead of unruly curls, a strong body hardened by working outside and on the streets instead of the lanky, muscled body of his friend.

It had been the memory of Don Flack and not Warrick that he’d used to banish his memories last night and Nick was honest enough with himself to know that simple lust would have never managed to draw Don’s image in this crucial moment. No, it were more complex emotions, emotions that he had shied away when he’d been awake but that had now come to surface when he’d been barely conscious.

The only question was what would he do now, that he couldn’t lie to himself anymore?

“Flack, what have you got?”

Mac’s curt voice tore Nick back to reality and as if on auto pilot, he took the necessary vest and protective shoes before following the other two men into the tunnel.

“Two bodies, MAT workers found them this morning, when they checked the tunnel. Look new to me, but Hawkes will have to look at them.”

They were on the platform now and Nick felt tension creep into him as he looked towards the darkness of the unused tunnel. He avoided the subway, preferred to walk or take cabs. A light shiver went through him and once again he felt Mac’s eyes on him. Concentrating on Don’s voice instead of the fear that rose in him Nick listened to the rest of the detective’s findings.

“The tunnel has been shut down three weeks ago for maintenance reasons. So that’s the longest they can be there.”

Mac followed Don and jumped onto the railing. Nick hesitated for a second until Flack looked at him and seeing the scorn in those blue eyes Nick took a deep breath and followed the two men into the tunnel.

“Nick, you don’t have to do this.”

Mac’s voice was concerned and again Nick was tempted to accept but one look at the dark shadow of Don’s body in front of him made him change his mind and he forced a smile as he looked at his supervisor.

“I’m alright. It’s time I get over it anyway...”

Mac looked unconvinced but didn’t say anything else instead followed Flack into the darkness. Taking another deep breath Nick turned on his flashlight. The knowledge that he was dozens of feet underground was unsettling him and memories threatened to come to the surface, memories that he couldn’t deal with right now, pushing them down with effort Nick walked faster until he was next to Don.

“Who has access to this tunnel, when it is closed down?”

Don’s eyes were hidden in the darkness and Nick was grateful for the small mercy, because it meant that he didn’t have to see any negative feelings in them. He knew that he wouldn’t have been able to deal with them right now. Instead he could pretend that the warmth in Don’s voice was real and meant for him, only for him.

“Theoretically only MTA employees with special clearance, but in reality? Almost everyone.”

Don’t stopped and pointed his light towards the area where the yellow tape marked the crime scene. A uniformed cop stood there and saluted.

“They’re over there.”

Mac who had caught up with them looked at Nick and the younger man could almost hear him thinking, figuring out what would be easier on him. It warmed his heart and at the same time annoyed him.

“Flack, can you light the area and the bodies so that Nick can process them? Officer, can you accompany and help me with the lightning while I look at the perimeter?”

Flack nodded and in the light of both Nick and Flack’s lamp, Nick started to process the bodies.

“You gotten used to New York?”

Don’s voice was gruff and Nick cursed that he couldn’t see the other man’s face. He was not in the right frame of mind to play any games and so he just nodded.

“Took me a while and to be honest, I’m still not used to the cold.”

He bent down while speaking and examined a piece of fabric that was hidden in the victim’s hand. He heard Don walk around when suddenly the entire area was drenched in darkness.

“Flack, I need light here!”

He stood motionless and tense in the darkness when suddenly green light cast an eerie brightness around the tunnel and he shivered.

“No”

“Hi, CSI guy. You wondering why you're here? Because you followed the evidence. Because that's what CSIs do. So breathe quick, breathe slow, put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Any way you like, you're going to die here.”

“No”

He gasped for breath and cried out when he felt the ants biting his skin. Panic and terror gripped him as he felt his movement’s restrained and he fought against the walls closing in on him, stealing his air, his room, his life.

“Let me out, get me out”

Nick’s voice was shaking and he was still caught in memories of his ordeal, still reliving the worst moments of his life not realizing that it was Don Flack who was holding him that he was fighting against the man he had dreamed of. He didn’t see the pain and fear in Don’s eyes didn’t see how the dark haired man was shaking as he tried to calm him. But most of all he didn’t know how Don’s heart broke in thousand little pieces as he held Nick while the CSI brokenly repeated over and over again.

“Get me out, please get me out.”

----

Don was shaking with fear as he struggled to keep Nick still and make sure that the CSI wasn’t hurting himself or disturbing the evidence. Somehow he knew that Nick would never forgive himself if he contaminated the scene with this panic attack. The tears and the fear, no terror in the dark eyes tore at his heart, but it were the desperate pleas to ‘get me out’ that broke it.

“Nick, everything is ok.”

And still Nick fought against him, until he suddenly deflated and all fight went out of him. For just a second Don was relieved until he saw Nick’s face and froze. There still was utter terror in every cell, but where there had been fight and spirit before they had been replaced by a complete defeat and hopelessness. Without thinking he pressed Nick against his body, caressing his back and repeated again and again.

“It’s alright Nick, you are safe, I am here.”

He had dreamed of this, had dreamed of having Nick in his arms, of caressing him, but this was a cruel perversion of all his fantasies. The man he held now was not the strong, thoughtful and intelligent man he fallen in love with. No, Nick was a quivering mess and the sheer terror in his eyes made Don want to hold him close and never let him go. All pretence of not liking Nick or just wanting him was gone. Instead all he concentrated on was to soothe the other man, tear him back to reality and out of the nightmare that held him captive.

But even as he caressed the man who’d stolen his heart, even as he whispered soothing words in his ears, Don’s mind was working overtime trying to figure out what had triggered the panic attack. He thought even further though and felt himself tense with anger as he realized that something, no someone in Nick’s past had put Nick through such a terrible ordeal to have him react like this even remembering it.

He had to force his hand to remain gentle then and silently promised Nick that he would find whoever had hurt him, find him and make him pay.

“Nick, Flack are you ok?”

Mac’s voice drew his attention away from the man in his arms and he met Mac’s concerned eyes. For a split moment he was surprised to see no shock or surprise in the supervisor’s face and in the next moment he felt jealousy but immediately pushed the emotion down. Mac on the other hand had frozen but recovered fast and to walked over to them gripping Nick’s face hard.

“Snap out of it Nick, you’re not there anymore, you’re safe you made it out.”

Don wanted to scream at Mac for treating Nick so harshly, when he felt the body in his arms tense and looking down he met Nick’s eyes that were clear and yet he still could see the terror lurking in the background, carefully hidden and masked. Had it always been there and he had just never looked? Another thought made him shiver, had it been his behavior that had triggered this? Was it him?

He looked at Nick again and once again their eyes met and he hated himself for the way he’d treated Nick all the time, when he saw the anxiety in those wonderful eyes. Nick expected him to mock him, he realized and for a moment he wanted to draw the smaller man back into his arms, but Nick beat him as he broke their gaze and looked towards the floor.

“Sorry”

The mumbled word made him feel as if he’d been slapped and his self-hatred reached new heights. Hesitantly, not knowing if his touch would be welcome he reached out and touched a tense shoulder.

“It’s ok Nick, nothing to worry.”

The tension in the slender body lessened a bit, but then Nick looked at the crime scene and tensed again.

“Oh my god, did I contaminate it?”

Silently thanking the gods for reading Nick right and preventing him from destroying evidence, Don shook his head.

“No, you didn’t...”

The words, ‘I didn’t let you’ hung in the air and Nick looked up his eyes open and vulnerable making Don’s heart break again.

“Thanks”

One word, then he turned and looked at Mac.

“If you want me off this case, I will go, but if not I would like to continue. I need to... I need to get over this fear.”

Don saw how Mac looked closely at Nick, saw the assessing the older man did and prayed that the supervisor would order Nick off the scene and home. But instead Mac nodded.

“Ok, continue”

 

---

 

*Chapter 5*

 

Sometimes, Danny wondered if Nick had any idea of how he had changed the lab and the team. And every time he did wonder, he realized that his friend had no clue. Of course he hadn’t been there before, hadn’t experienced the tension and the friction between them, and hadn’t seen the almost visible rifts that ran through their team. It was different now, and although Danny was sure that Nick would disagree, it was to a large part because of him joining the team.

 

Nick joining the team, but even more his easy acceptance of who Danny was, who his family was and the ability to discern between the two had changed the atmosphere and Danny was the one who profited most. Stella had relaxed around him, and when Mac had paired Danny with her for a change this morning, their case had been working well and they had been good together. Good enough in fact for her to apologize to him for her harsh treatment.

 

“I was wrong Danny and I am sorry, I should have known better.”

 

He had been tempted to tell her that yes, she should have known better, but before he hadn’t said anything because it wasn’t her doubting him that had hurt. No with all that Stella had seen and experienced in her life, he might have even understood her.

 

Mac tough, Mac who had specifically recruited him, had known who he was and still had fought to employ him... Mac’s distrust had hurt so much more. Mac’s cold eyes still haunted his dreams and the harsh voice telling him that Mac did not believe him followed him into his nightmares.

 

He had hated his job, had hated going to work every morning and yet Danny knew that he would never be able to stay away. His heart didn’t let him give up, insisted on staying where the one he loved was.

 

Why couldn’t Mac love him?

 

Why didn’t he trust him?

 

Why did it have to take Nick being buried alive and fleeing from Vegas to New York for him to enjoy his work again?

 

And like in a dream he remembered the simple words that Nick had told him.

 

‘After I got to know you, it didn’t matter anymore.’

 

Why couldn’t Mac show the same trust in him?

 

“Danny, my office now”

 

He tensed at the hard voice and saw how Stella looked up in confusion at the request. For a moment they both just stared at Mac, who stood in the glass door, shoulders tense, head held high, eyes cold. Danny sighed and looked at Stella with a shrug, surprised to find her glaring at their boss, then shaking her head as he followed Mac to his office.

 

“Danny, I want you to go home...”

 

His head jerked and he stared at his supervisor with disbelief. Had he heard right? They had cases, unsolved cases and he was buried in evidence he had to process and just out of the blue Mac ordered him to go home?

 

“Mac, you...”

 

But then something happened that made Danny almost gasp with surprise. Mac looked up and met his eyes and for once the blue orbs held no coldness or reproach but guilt and anxiety.

 

“Nick had a panic attack today on the scene. He insisted on finishing the job out there but after that I sent him home. I need you to check on him. Make sure he is ok.”

 

Nick? Panic attack? For a moment the two things didn’t make sense, then his brain caught up with his thoughts and the case Nick and Mac had worked on. The tunnel... oh shit...

 

“Mac, what happened?”

 

He couldn’t help that his voice was a bit shrill, but the thought of what Nick had gone through made him shiver and the idea of his friend having to face those terrible memories all on his own made him mad. If Mac hadn’t paired him off with Stella, then Danny would have been there for Nick.

 

“Flack’s flash-light went out and Nick had a flashback...”

 

Mac bit his lip in such an uncharacteristic gesture that Danny stared at him stunned.

 

“I wasn’t there when it happened, I was checking the parameter, but when I heard Nick’s sobs I went back and found Flack trying to soothe him.”

 

‘... found Flack trying to soothe him.’

 

Now that was interesting and Danny immediately made a mental note to call the detective and find out how exactly he had tried to calm Nick down and more important if he had done so out of duty or maybe something else. Right now though, his thoughts went back to Nick and sighing lightly he looked at Mac.

 

“If you knew what happened in Vegas, then why did you assign him on this case?”

 

Why did you split up our team? It was the unasked question but it stood in the room and to Danny it seemed as if the letters were dancing between him and Mac. Mac, who once again completely against his usual behavior was not looking at Danny when he answered.

 

“I didn’t think of it at that moment.”

 

No, Danny thought bitterly, why would Mac think of it? His intent had been clear this morning: making sure that Danny and Nick didn’t work together. Anger rose in him at the thought that just because Mac wanted to punish him for whatever mistake he had made, Nick had had to suffer and before he could stop himself, he glared at his supervisor.

 

“No, you didn’t think, cause all you thought of was that Nick and I were getting along well and you couldn’t have it that I might be looking forward to working, that I might actually enjoy my job again. That’s why you split us up, that’s why you didn’t stop to think about Nick, but you know what Mac, it backfired cause I did actually enjoy working with Stella, not as much as I enjoy working with Nick, but still...”

 

He trailed off having to focus on his words, making himself calm down before he said something unforgivable.

 

“Danny, you’re forgetting yourself here. This is not about you.”

 

Wasn’t it ironic how those two sentences actually made him forget himself? Danny was furious with rage at the casual dismissal and focusing his boss with his eyes he spoke silently and with ice cold fury in his voice.

 

“You’re wrong Mac, it was about me. You didn’t want me to work with Nick and didn’t stop to think one moment about the repercussion your actions might have. And you know what? The sad thing is that it wasn’t me who suffered, cause I could have dealt with that. No, you made Nick suffer, Nick who’s been through so much and who’s not done anything to you but work hard and well.”

 

His heart broke as he spoke on, finally realizing something he should have realized long ago.

 

“You don’t trust me; you don’t like me, but for some reason you won’t fire me. Is it because you don’t want them to tell you they knew all along?”

 

Danny looked at Mac and realized that the older man stood there frozen, and any other time he would have been concerned at the paleness of Mac’s face, the trembling in his hands, but not today.

 

“You know what? You won... I’ll leave, cause I won’t risk my friends getting hurt because of you wanting to make a point of pushing me around.”

 

He left right after those words leaving Mac staring at his retreating form unable to form a sentence, unable to do anything but helplessly clutch the back of his chair while he tried to process what had just happened in this room.

 

“You’re wrong Danny”

 

Desperate words...

 

“Don’t leave”

 

Painfully hurting

 

“Come back to me”

 

A desperate plea, but no one there to hear him.

 

---

 

“Hi this is Detective Don Flack from NYPD, can I talk to Captain Brass please?”

 

Don felt his heart thunder in his chest as he waited for the secretary to put him through to the Vegas Captain. His father had worked with Jim Brass when the other man had been with the New Jersey police and Don himself too had had a couple of drinks with the older man.

 

His memory was that of a strong minded and bodied man, someone who’d always looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but at the same time a police officer whose quick wit and sharp intelligence was frightening even for those that had nothing to hide.

 

“Brass”

 

Calming himself with a deep breath, he introduced himself and after exchanging pleasantries Don came to the reason for his call.

 

“I’m actually calling for some information on someone who worked for you guys until a couple of months back and now works for our team.”

 

Silence apart from some static noise and Don wondered if he should have taken a more careful approach. Then though Brass spoke again slowly and it was obvious that he was choosing his words very carefully.

 

“Whom are you talking about?”

 

Don braced himself for the impact of his answer and although he knew that Brass would more likely see it as a noisy cop question, he couldn’t help the thread of fear that ran through him at the thought of the Vegas Captain guessing the truth. That he wasn’t curious about Nick, but that he wanted, no needed to find out what had happened not only to be able to help Nick, but also to be able to forget those memories that had already, only hours later, started to haunt him.

 

“Nick Stokes”

 

For a moment there was silence, then Brass did something that made Don’s hackle raise like nothing else, he laughed softly, sadly and gently said.

 

“Nicky”

 

Nicky? Nicky?? How did Brass come to call him Nicky? Glaring at the phone in his hand, Don calmed himself forcibly and listened intently to the once again silent captain on the other side of the country.

 

“Do you know him?”

 

What should he answer? That he knew him and had fallen in love with him? That he worked with him and all of his colleagues and friends thought that he hated the other man? That he had held him just hours ago while Nick had sobbed in terror pleading blindly with him to get him out?

 

“I work with him.”

 

Neutral and careful, the entire phone conversation reminded Don suddenly of a talk between two politicians or lawyers. They were both carefully treading not saying anything before they knew what the other knew...

 

“Can’t tell you sorry.”

 

He feared something like this and in some weird way, his disappointment must have filtered through the ether and to his surprise Brass spoke again.

 

“Flack, if you care about Nick, not the rumors and not the gossip... “

 

Brass trailed off and Don heard him say something to someone in the room, before he came back on the phone.

 

“... ask him and the way I know Nick, he’ll tell you. It’s his story to tell not mine.”

 

And there was something in Brass’ voice, that made Don shiver and suddenly he understood. It might be Nick’s story to tell, but Brass had suffered too. Sighing lightly he thanked the other Captain and hang up. For a long time he sat on his desk staring at the papers in front of you, trying to read the information but not seeing it.

 

“Flack, you alright?”

 

He looked up and met Stella’s concerned eyes; he smiled automatically and offered her a chair answering casually.

 

“Sure I’m fine”

 

She looked at him and for a moment he had the distinct feeling that she wanted to say something, but instead she shrugged and sitting down, she started to speak about the subway case and soon enough they were comparing notes about the bodies and the statements of potential suspects.

 

Don was glad to throw himself into work, glad that the case was complicated enough to require his full concentration. It kept his thoughts and memories away.

 

And yet he couldn’t forget it completely and as the day finally ended he found himself sitting in front of his computer and logging onto Goggle. Don hated himself for how his heart thundered and his fingers trembled as he typed in the key words ‘CSI’, ‘Las Vegas’, ‘Out’, ‘Nick Stokes’ and ‘Crime’. For a long time he stared at the screen while his cursor hovered over the search button, then with an almost violent curse he pushed his chair back and shut down the computer.

 

He couldn’t do it, couldn’t betray Nick like this, because that’s how it felt especially after Brass’ words.

 

‘It’s his story to tell not mine’

 

Don grabbed his jacket and his car keys and before he could change his mind he got out of the office and drove towards Queens.

 

“Ask Nick, I am sure he will tell you.”

 

He would ask the other man.

 

And he could only hope that Nick would give him an answer.

 

---

 

“Brass, I need to talk to you”

 

Warrick’s tall frame was darkening his door and Brass sighed silently as he raised one eyebrow and gestured towards the empty chair in front of his desk.

 

“Come in”

 

The other man did so and closed the door before sitting down and glaring at the Captain. Brass waited for a couple of moments until he prompted Warrick none too gently.

 

“So, what’s this about?”

 

“Who were you talking on the phone with before?”

 

Jim had had a suspicion that this was about the talk he’d just had with the NY detective, but he hadn’t been sure if Warrick had picked up what the conversation had been about.

 

“Detective Don Flack from NYPD”

 

In his mind he counted to ten while he waited for the explosion, he got to five then he had an irate Warrick practically jumping over the desk.

 

“You talked to a NYPD cop about Nicky? How could you?”

 

Angry now, Brass glared right back and answered just as heated.

 

“I didn’t tell him nothing... He asked about Nick and I told him to ask Nick himself. What do you think, I tell anyone calling everything about someone I consider a friend?”

 

Warrick looked rightfully ashamed and as if his strong façade suddenly were crumbling he slumped back in the chair, his face hidden behind his face as he mumbled.

 

“Why did he have to leave, Brass? Why couldn’t he stay here where he had friends? It’s the one thing I still don’t get, why did he leave?”

 

No, Brass thought as his eyes followed Warrick on his way out of his office, no Warrick still didn’t get it. It was a pity really, that between the two of them one was too blind and the other too loyal to see or speak the truth that was plain to see for everyone who bothered looking.

 

And so Warrick had gotten married and Nick had left. Warrick wasn’t happy, but something in Don Flack’s voice during the phone call made Jim believe that Nick might actually find happiness in the big apple.

 

He certainly deserved it.

 

Shrugging lightly, Brass got into his car and drove over to his house while contemplating if he should tell his lover about the phone call or not. Ever since the abduction the other man had become strangely protective of Nick even now that Nick wasn’t part of his team anymore he still worried. It would have worried Brass had he not felt as secure in this relationship as he did. Making up his mind, he walked into the living room, tossed his badge and his gun on the table and smiled at he man watching TV.

 

“Guess who’s called today to inquire about Nick Stokes?”

 

His lover immediately turned the TV off and started grilling him about the call.

 

“A New York cop?”

 

Conrad Ecklie grinned and drew Jim towards him.

 

“Well I didn’t fare that wrong with a New Jersey one, so Nick might get lucky.”

 

---

 

The entire time since Nick had come to New York, he had felt as if he were living on borrowed time. He had known all along that one day something would happen to make him remember and he would freak out. But still why did it have to happen when he was on a scene with Flack?

 

Why of all the times did he had to freak out when the one man in the whole of NY he wanted to appear strong for was next to him?

 

‘It wasn’t so bad, after all he didn’t mock you instead he calmed you and held you.’

 

The little voice in his head sounded annoyingly like Danny and with a curse he told it to shut up.

 

Mac had sent him home after they had finished collecting the evidence in the subway and no matter how much he had protested the supervisor had not budged. It was, Nick reflected suddenly, as if Mac had felt responsible for his flashback, which was of course completely insane. Of course Mac had assigned Nick to the case, but hey it was several months since it had happened and he should be able to get through with something like this without freaking out.

 

Nick shivered as he thought about the tunnel and yet at the same time he was angry at himself. He hated showing weakness and his behavior today had been one major display of complete and utter weakness.

 

“Pathetic”

 

“That’s bullshit”

 

Danny’s comment from the chair made him startle, he had completely forgotten that his friend was here.

 

“Nick, you know that having flashbacks like this is not pathetic. It doesn’t make you weak, just human you know.”

 

Rationally Nick knew that Danny was right, but reason and feelings were two different pairs of shoes and ever since he had come to New York and looked into the bluest eyes he’d ever seen, reason had very little to do with what he felt when he was around Officer Flack.

 

“Just you know, out of all people it had to happen when he was here.”

 

Danny looked at him with a curious expression on his face and shaking his head he asked.

 

“What is it with you and Flack? I mean I know he’s been an idiot with you, but you’re like a different person when he’s around. It’s almost as if...”

 

Danny trailed off and Nick groaned lightly when a sudden light appeared in the grayish eyes and his friend smiled.

 

“You like him don’t you?”

 

Secret against secret, Nick thought. He had seen Danny’s attraction towards Mac from day one and so maybe it was just fair that Danny knew about his own stupidity. Still he blushed as he nodded and spoke with the carpet instead of Danny when he silently admitted.

 

“I do, Danny. It’s just that I think it’s more than liking him... I think I’m in love with him.”

 

The smile in Danny’s face grew brighter and suddenly Nick was angry at his friend and the entire world, how come that everyone seemed to be so happy that he had fallen for yet another straight man? He thought back to the conversation he’d had with Greg and the reaction he’d gotten then.

 

‘Hey man that’s great! I mean it’s shit cause it means you’re not coming back, but hey you’re in love!!! That’s just awesome... Nick I want a picture of this guy and his resume and everything... He’s got to pass the Sander’s suitability test after all...’

 

And now Danny, who should really know better; Nick paced his living room aggravated and stopped in front of his friend.

 

“Stop smiling, it’s not funny that I keep falling for straight guys. First Warrick, then Don... why Danny, why do I keep doing this?”

 

Defeated he sat down bracing him for the inevitable pain this infatuation would bring. Why couldn’t he get a break for once? Danny’s hand on his shoulder brought him out of his reverie and he saw the deep compassion in the grey eyes. Why couldn’t he have fallen for Danny?

 

“Don is not straight Nick.”

 

Soft words, spoken hesitantly almost as if Danny was reluctant to say them and that more than anything told Nick that his friend had just told him the truth. But his heart was wary to believe what he heard and he stared at Danny shaking his head, denying what he had heard.

 

“Do you remember when you said that the youngest son of a Texan judge isn’t supposed to be gay?”

 

Nick smiled remembering the conversation that had been the first real bonding between him and Danny and nodded.

 

“Well neither is the son of a NYPD legend.”

 

Danny fell silent and let Nick think about the truth behind that statement, about the necessity of staying in the closet if one was a cop and yes Nick understood that all, heck he had lived it. He was silent for a long time leaning against Danny, soaking up the security and comfort his friend’s arms gave him. Finally though he straightened and touched Danny’s hand in a thankful gesture.

 

“Thanks for telling me, for giving me some hope.”

 

His friend just smiled and had Nick not been so tired and exhausted, he would have seen the sadness and pain that Danny hid underneath the smile, but the day had been hard, he had used all his strength and so he didn’t head the silent call for help and Danny didn’t call louder.

 

---

 

On his way back home, Danny reflected why he hadn’t spoken with Nick about his confrontation with Mac. Hell he had practically quit, why hadn’t he told Nick?

 

Of course Nick had been tired and exhausted, had needed someone to lean onto and not someone who leaned onto him, but Danny had long ago stopped lying to himself. It hadn’t only been Nick’s condition that had made him remain silent.

 

He didn’t want to say it, cause as stupid as it was there was still this glimmer of hope in his heart that Mac would not take him serious, would instead call him or talk to him in the office... That he hadn’t lost everything...

 

Cursing Danny parked his car and called himself a stupid fool, Mac certainly didn’t care about him. And yet he couldn’t silence the hope more than he could stop breathing.

 

Exhausted and depressed he sat in front of the TV watching a game when the door bell rang. Surprised he got up and looked through the spy only to stumble back in shock. His hands trembled as he opened the door and his throat was dry as he addressed the man who stood outside, face serious, hands hidden behind his back.

 

“Mac”

 

---

 

*Chapter 6*

 

Stella had watched as Danny followed Mac. She still felt bad for misjudging the younger CSI and although he had accepted her apology she knew that it would take some time until he would be able to really forgive her.

 

It had been so easy to believe Sonny and just throw Danny into the same basket of people that never really make it out of their background. And shouldn’t she have known so much better? Hadn't she always fought against those prejudices herself?

 

‘Oh the girl from the orphan, well we’ll see if she’s any good.’

 

How many times had she heard such statements or had she felt them implied when people had looked at her? How had it hurt and how often had she sworn that she would never judge anyone based on their background?

 

And then a would-be thug had come around implicating Danny and she had fallen into the same traps as all those people had fallen when they had read her resume.

 

Well, she shrugged fatalistically, done was done. She couldn’t undo her mistakes, but she had still time to make up for them.

 

Hearing a door fall closed with a loud bang, she looked up and saw Danny coming out of Mac’s office. He was walking fast, his face closed off and hard, but she could see the tension almost rolling off his body in waves. She had seen the way he looked at their boss, but even more she had seen how Mac had looked at Danny too and had cheered at their slowly developing friendship when Sonny Sassone had destroyed everything.

 

The moment the thug had mentioned Danny, Stella had seen the horror in Mac’s eyes and later, watching him withdraw from the younger man, she had realized that Sonny had unknowingly given Mac a reason to shut Danny out and turn away from his feelings.

 

Stella wanted to tell Danny to believe in the other man and not let himself be pushed away, but she was smart enough to know that Danny would not listen to her. No, with her behavior in the last couple of weeks, she had lost the right to tell Danny anything. For a moment she entertained the thought of calling Nick and letting him know, but then her eyes fell on the glass office and the man who sat at his desk.

 

“There’s always another way; one just has look at all angles.”

 

She smiled as she murmured the words that Mac had drilled into her when they first had started with the CSI department. Stella had heard this sentence so many times; it would probably be the inscription on her tomb stone, now though, now she had definitely found a way to make Mac eat his words... Her shoulders squared, her eyes determined she walked up to her supervisor’s office, knocked once and entered without waiting for the answer. What she saw stunned her.

 

Mac was sitting at his desk, his head in his hands, face hidden, still though his shoulders were rigid, his back straight and smiling sadly Stella realized that his ingrained control was so strong that even now as he seemed broken, Mac couldn’t let go and relax.

 

He looked up and for the split of a second, she saw hope light up his blue eyes, before they dimmed again and he looked at her with his usual cold, yet friendly look.

 

“Stella, how can I help you?”

 

---

 

Mac was relieved to see his friend, but as he saw her dark eyes and the fury in them he knew that no friendly banter was to be expected from her today.

 

“I want you to do something for me. I want you to lean back for a moment and close your eyes, imagining everything I tell you with your fantasy, your imagination.”

 

He saw that she was completely serious and so he leaned back and closed his eyes.

 

“You know what Nick went through, don’t you?”

 

Surprised that she knew too he nodded and wanted to ask her how she knew, but before he could say anything she continued to speak.

 

“I want you to imagine Danny there, in that small box, trapped under tons of dirt with nothing but a gun and a recorder.”

 

Her words hit him like bullets and before he could stop them, the images started to dance around him and suddenly he could see it, could see Danny trapped in this box, saw his desperation, saw the pain and the fear... But there was something else and as if it was real he saw Danny reach for the gun...

 

“Nick survived because he trusted his team to find him.”

 

Stella didn’t have to say it and Mac’s imagination had shown him already before she had spoken, Danny wouldn’t trust them to find him, not because he doubted their abilities, but where Nick had known that his team valued him, that his team loved him, Danny would never consider himself important enough.

 

And again he saw Danny lying in that grave, saw him reaching for the gun but this time, he didn’t stop and Mac’s body shook as his mind showed him a brutally clear fantasy of Danny killing himself because he, Mac had failed to tell the young man how important he was to him.

 

“No”

 

Stella was looking at him and he saw that she knew, slowly she walked over and kneeled down next to his chair taking his hand into hers.

 

“It was just a fantasy Mac, nothing more. But you need to come clear with Danny, not for the lab’s sake, not for my sake or even Danny’s, it’s for your own sake Mac...”

 

He knew that she was speaking the truth and for a long time, he just looked at her, his oldest and best friend and smiled lightly.

 

“Thanks Stella, thanks so much.”

 

He felt her eyes on his back as he left the room and it was only when he was in his car driving towards Danny’s place that he suddenly felt insecure. He had treated Danny so badly, what right did he have to ask for anything now?

 

Mac was still hearing that daunting question in his mind, as he knocked at Danny’s door and his anticipation changed to fear when Danny opened the door, his face pale and utter shock in his blue eyes.

 

“Mac?”

 

For a moment he was certain that Danny would close the door in his face again and deep in his heart he knew that he would deserve it. Danny though although hesitant, stepped back and opened the door wider.

 

“Come in”

 

Nothing more, but as Mac told himself steadily, nothing less either, if nothing else, then it was a beginning.

 

“I owe you an apology Danny”

 

Danny just looked at him for a long time, before he sighed and pointing towards the couch he asked with a quiet calm voice that Mac admired and hated at the same time.

 

“Want something to drink?”

 

He considered it for a second, considered having the entire conversation in a polite casual way over a cup of tea and just as he thought about it, the memory of Danny in the grave flashed through his mind and he jumped up unable to sit still and watch how the best thing that had happened to him was about to get destroyed by his stubbornness.

 

“No, shit Danny... I... look I came here, cause we need to talk, really talk not as supervisor and CSI, but because I was once your friend and then... I was an idiot Danny, but when Sonny mentioned your name something just broke, the thought of you having been part of them...”

 

Mac wanted so say so much more, but one look at Danny’s face made him trail off, there was so much pain in Danny’s face that for once he didn’t think, just acted out of instinct and he got up and pulled Danny towards him.

 

“I am so sorry Danny, all I wanted was to protect my heart and I never realized how much I hurt you while I did it. Please, Danny please, forgive me; please give us a chance....”

 

He rarely apologized, and never ever begged for forgiveness, but this was too important and he pushed his pride aside as he felt the tense body of the younger man against his own. Danny was not struggling against him, but neither did he acknowledge the contact and finally the hug became awkward and with a blush and a heavy heart Mac let him go.

 

“Mac, you talk about your heart and how you want to be my friend, but will you still be that after you’ve heard the entire story?”

 

Danny’s voice was emotionless almost as if he were talking about somebody else. Shivering at the detachment Mac looked at the man he loved.

 

“I gave you my heart long ago, and it hurt no matter how much I tried to close myself off from you. I love you Danny and I will tell you for as long as I need to tell you until you believe me.”

 

He saw the surprise that ran over Danny’s face at those honest words; saw how hope made his eyes light up and his heart hurt as he saw how the light died as Danny turned away from him to stare out of the window.

 

“I was never a Tanglewood boy.”

 

Mac wanted to say something but before he could Danny continued to speak with the same emotionless voice that he had used before.

 

“I wanted to be one though, believe me, when I was sixteen all I wanted to be was one of them, but Sonny told me that I was too pretty to be a Tanglewood boy...”

 

The way he said it made Mac’s stomach curl in fear at what might come next and Danny’s next words confirmed it.

 

“Sonny told you how they get anything they want cars, money, bitches... What he wanted he got and it was my bad luck that he wanted me...”

 

He wanted to step closer, to touch the lonely man at the window, wanted to take Danny’s pain away, but something in the other man’s posture told him, he would not be welcomed right now, later though Mac swore to himself, later he would take away as much of this pain as he could and with his heart heavy, he listened on.

 

“The first time I fought him, fought him hard and when I came home I told my father about it. Do you know what he did?”

 

Danny had turned around, his eyes dry but full of emotions, mixed emotions shame and hatred mingled with the pain and confusion of a sixteen year old boy. Mac ached for the boy Danny had been as much as he ached for the man he was now.

 

“He slapped me across my face and told me that I was a shame to the family. Instead of becoming the new leader of the Tanglewood boys I had become nothing but their leader’s bitch... He told me, that if I was not strong enough to fight for myself, then he would not fight for me.”

 

Acid was bitter in Mac’s mouth at those words as he remembered how he too had turned his back against Danny when the younger man had asked for help.

 

“I stopped fighting after that.”

 

Danny’s voice had become resigned and this time Mac didn’t hesitate as he got up and walked up next to the younger man.

 

“You never stopped fighting or you would not be here. Forgive me, Danny, for doubting you.”

 

Hesitantly he pulled the now pliant body against his own savoring the first real contact between them.

 

“I love you Danny.”

 

He hadn’t planned on saying that, not so soon, not after Danny had just spilled his darkest secret, but as he saw the look of disbelief and self-hatred in Danny’s face turn to hope and something akin to happiness, he was glad that he had said those three words.

 

“I can’t unmake what happened, but let me try to make you forget?”

 

A soft hand on his face made him shiver, a shiver that just elevated into a trembling when he saw the depth of emotion in Danny’s eyes.

 

“You always did Mac, even when I hated you I would forget about everything apart from you when you were around.”

 

The shiver that ran through Mac now, had nothing to do with passion and everything with what Danny had said.

 

‘even when I hated you’

 

Danny had hated him and as he cradled the smaller body against his own, he promised himself to never ever give Danny any cause for hating him.

 

“I love you”

 

---

 

“I love you”

 

How long had Danny wanted to hear these words, how often had he dreamed of Mac declaring his love for him?

 

So now, he was in Mac’s arms, felt strong arms holding him close, felt a solid heart beating steadily against him. Why wasn’t he elated? Why didn’t he answer the question in Mac’s blue eyes?

 

Danny shivered lightly, shivered until he started to shake and to his horror he felt tears running over his face, he didn’t cry in front of people. Nick was the one exception to that rule, but apart from his friend, no one, no one had ever seen him cry since he’d turned sixteen.

 

“It’s ok Danny”

 

No it wasn’t, no one had ever let him be weak and not taken advantage from it and Danny was afraid what would happen now that he had shown Mac all the darkness that was his life. He recoiled as he remembered that there was one thing he had not shown Mac, one thing that surely would make the other man retreat and go back to the cold hard supervisor mode.

 

And even as a part of him screamed to stay in Mac’s arms, to enjoy the offered comfort, Danny forced himself to step back and separate them. He looked at Mac and seeing the honest and true love in the blue eyes he hated himself for doing what he was about to do. But wasn’t it better, if he lost Mac now, now that all he had was a memory of being held?

 

Danny knew that he would never survive seeing the contempt in Mac’s eyes after having been kissed and caressed by the older man and with new determination, he stepped back even further.

 

“Danny?”

 

Tentative, almost insecure... He didn’t know this side in Mac and he hurt for him.

 

“Please Mac, you don’t understand. I... I am damaged goods...”

 

He whispered the last thing and with a shiver removed the shirt he’d been wearing and turned his back towards Mac. He knew that even know more than 16 years later, the mark was still there, still vivid and ugly and as he heard Mac’s hiss of breath, he knew that the older man had understood.

 

“I wasn’t worthy of the Tanglewood tattoo, but one night Sonny decided that he had to mark me too... He used his signet ring, just heated it and pressed it on my back... I was his property and anyone who would get close enough to me would be reminded of it...”

 

Soft hands caressed his back and moved over to his front while at the same time, gentle lips kissed the ugly scars, traced the faded marks of the branding Sonny had forced him to accept. The simple tender care that those soft touches expressed, made Danny shiver and he felt himself trembling too much to give any resistance to the care and love that Mac enveloped him in.

 

He knew that it was too good to last, knew that nothing this beautiful would ever happen to him, but right at this moment he couldn’t fight it.

 

Leaning back he gave his strength over to Mac and finally spoke those words that he had so longed to say.

 

“I love you”

 

He would take what he could now and when it all turned out to be nothing but a dream, he would pick himself up from the floor and move on.

 

---

 

Danny didn’t believe him, didn’t trust him to not run as soon as something dark from his past came up. Mac didn’t blame him; he knew it was his own fault. At every step of their relationship, when he should have trusted, he had responded with doubt.  When he should have listened, he had ignored. And when in the end Danny had asked for help, he had turned his back on him.

 

Never again, he swore silently.

 

“Let’s go and lie down.”

 

Danny trembled under his hands and he could feel that it had more to do with the tension he tried to suppress than the cold, but Mac wanted to remove any inconveniences from the equation so that Danny and he could finally be just themselves.

 

The bedroom was bare, no pictures no photos, nothing, just a king sized bed and two bedside tables. Danny stood in the middle of the room as if he had forgotten who and where he was and Mac felt how all his protective instincts woke at the sight of Danny’s obvious distress.

 

“I won’t hurt you.”

 

He didn’t know where those words came from, but Danny jerked back as if he had hit him. Eyes that suddenly blazed with fury focused on him and he shivered at the unexpected show of emotions. The younger man was across the room and in front of him faster than he’d ever seen Danny move and before he could say anything else, his lips were caught in a fierce kiss.

 

Mac forgot what he had wanted to say at the touch of those lips. Danny kissed him as if his live depended on it. Lean muscles pressed against him, strength hidden in the leanness, so much strength in the smaller body and Mac let his hands wander, let himself finally touch.

 

“I am not broken Mac, don’t treat me like I am.”

 

There was still fury in Danny’s words, but Mac heard the underlying plea and understood what Danny didn’t say. Answering the kiss with one of his own, he took his time to map out Danny’s mouth, to catalogue his lover’s taste and just simply to enjoy the closeness. When they drew apart, he was panting but nevertheless he looked straight at Danny.

 

“You are not broken Danny neither are you fragile. You are one of the strongest men I have ever met.”

 

It’s not you who is fragile when it comes to this, us... It’s me... But Mac didn’t say it, didn’t want to spoil the mood with his own demons and with the same determination that had made him a first class Marine, he pushed the unwelcome memory back and concentrated on the man in his arms.

 

Danny was looking at him as if he was reading in his eyes and maybe he was. For a long time, they just stood there in the middle of the room, eyes locked, the moment frozen in time. Then slowly, Danny brought up his hand to Mac’s face and ran it over the older man’s cheek in a soft caress.

 

"Thank you."

 

It was a loaded thank you and Mac shivered at the sincerity in the grey eyes. Then the memory of their shared kiss made him shiver and he leaned in to capture Danny’s lips once again. They were so soft and with a sigh, he lowered Danny onto the bed covering the half clothed body with his own still fully clothed.

 

Danny’s eyes flew open and with a gasp he wrapped his arms around Mac pressing himself closer to the older man. Mac shivered as warmth spread through his body chasing away the eternal chill in his bones and he closed his eyes as it felt as if Danny was pouring heat and passion into him. Unable to contain a deep moan Mac broke away.

 

Danny’s hands were tangled in his shirt and with a chuckle he removed them and opened the shirt himself, pushed it away and then groaned at the feeling of clever hands opening his belt and his pants. For a second he felt self conscious, but the admiration in Danny’s eyes told him everything he needed to know and naked he lay back looking at the still dressed Danny. In the dim light of the room his lover’s gaze roamed over his body, his eyes feasting on the curves and muscles.

 

"Danny, undress yourself, please"

 

Looking up at the silent plea Danny smiled but there was a fire in his eyes that made Mac shiver with desire. Slowly he removed his pants and underwear, watching as Mac drew in a sharp breath as he settled next to him.

 

"You are beautiful"

 

Danny shook his head, but before he could say anything, Mac stopped him. He knew what the younger man had wanted to say, knew that he would have pointed at the mark and so he drew him close, his left hand caressing the mark tenderly.

 

“You are, Danny. This is your past, it’s part of you, part of what made you into the person you are. And this person is beautiful.”

 

He saw the one tear that ran over Danny’s face and leaned down to capture it with his lips. His body and his mind fought between just settling and giving Danny the time and rest he obviously needed and kissing the younger man again, kissing him, loving him... Claiming him...

 

Mac knew that he should do the first one, but the second was so tempting. He was in thoughts and still tried to persuade himself to do the right thing, when something warm, no hot touched his chest and he gasped.

 

Danny looked at him with a smile and repeated the caress, flicking his tongue over his nipple, kissing it and finally sucking it into hardness. Mac’s head spun with desire and he moaned lightly when the touch stopped.

 

"Like this?"

 

"Yes..."

 

Danny had rolled them over, so that he was on top, his body stretched over Mac. It was so much better than in those dreams that Mac had never been able to forget. Almost tenderly he wrapped his arms around Danny’s back and stroked the length of it, up and down along either side of his spine, massaging, kneading, then caressing.

Their hands were busy now, moving over each other's bodies, exploring, mapping, noting favorite curves and hot spots, while their lips drew warmth from each other, their cocks rubbed and thrust against each other's strength, their hands stoked the flames into fire. It was fast and yet loving, passionate and yet there was still a tenderness to every movement.

 

But most of all it was the first time since Claire’s death that Mac knew the touch of another person, the first time since so many years that someone loved him and the fact that this someone was Danny made him tremble and shake as his body took over and his control shattered.

 

“Danny”

 

He cried the one name as his body shuddered and stars exploded in his mind and at the same time he felt the answering shudder and warmth of Danny’s release, heard the other man cry out his own name and for a moment darkness surrounded him.

 

And then it was over, and thought gradually returned.

 

Mac looked at the man next to him, the man he had thought he had lost, the man he had failed so badly and who had still taken him back into his life. He saw the moment of fear and insecurity in Danny’s eyes as he propped himself up on his elbow.

 

“I love you”

 

Danny smiled tentatively at those words and Mac knew that he would have to say them many times more before Danny really believed him and with a smile, Mac thought why not start right now.

 

“I do, Danny, I really do.”

 

Maybe one day, his lover would tell him to shut up, but until then Mac Taylor would make sure that Danny Messer knew he was loved.

 

Marines always got the job done after all, didn’t they?

 

---

 

*Chapter 7*

 

It was getting dark outside, but Nick didn’t notice, forced himself not to notice how the wind was rattling at the windows, how the cold breeze tore the last leaves from the trees that lined his street. Instead he focused on the book in front of him. He had ordered the book and several others on a suggestion from Grissom. It had arrived three days ago, but so far he had not dared looking at it afraid of what seeing the images, reading about the insects would do to him.

 

Today though he had unpacked it and now it sat on the cocktail table in front of him, he still didn’t really dare opening it, felt as if not pictures but real ants would be crawling out as soon as he turned the first page. It had been something of a defiant act to unpack the book today and Nick knew that Grissom would look at him and shake his head with that slow, soft smile of his.

 

‘You don’t have to prove anything.’

 

He could almost hear his old supervisor, and as if Grissom were in the room he looked up and answered silently.

 

“It’s the perfect time though; I’ll anyway have nightmares tonight.”

 

His words echoed in the room and Nick shivered. Yeah, he would have nightmares, but maybe the Grissom in his mind was right, maybe there was no need to make matters worse by starting to read this book tonight.

 

And yet, if not today, when then?

 

Nick sighed, he was tired, exhausted from the break down and yet he didn’t want to go to bed, instinctively avoiding to think about it. He grabbed the remote control and turned the TV on, there wasn’t much on and once again he marveled at the fact that even with 300 channels there was a possibility that he didn’t know what to watch.

 

Finally though he settled on ‘Friends’. He knew the episode, could probably lip-synch to it, but it was still better than any political talk show or heaven forbid some of those obscure cop shows.

 

Rachel’s antiques made him chuckle, when out of nowhere Danny’s voice penetrated his thoughts.

 

“Don is not straight....”

 

 

His interest in the soap waning, he sat there and thought about the sentence. Don Flack was not straight... Where did that leave him?

 

‘Somewhere great, if you just get your head out of your ass’

 

Funny how that voice didn’t sound like Grissom at all, but then Greg was the more likely person to give him dating advice. For a second he was tempted to call Greg and talk to him, but one look at his watch told him, that his friend was most likely still asleep and he didn’t want to disturb him.

 

If only he hadn’t freaked out in this tunnel...

 

‘... then you would not know how it is to be in his arms, how wonderfully safe he makes you feel.’

 

Sometimes he hated the voice, but this time he had to acknowledge that there was a point to this. He had felt safe in Don’s arms and although the other man had not been able to break him free from his nightmare, Nick still knew that he had felt the care subconsciously, had, despite the terror and panic of his flashback, felt safe in Don’s arms.

 

“Now what?”

 

He asked the book and whished for a moment Danny were still here, but on the other hand it seemed to much like high school to discuss his infatuation with the cop. His eyes fell on the book again and with a determined look, he grabbed it and opened the first page.

 

...As surprising as it sounds, ants are overwhelmingly the dominant species on earth. By weight, the world ant population equals the world human population, and represents half or more of the world's insect biomass. These ten thousand trillion creatures are spread throughout the world's habitats, from the Amazon to Finland, from deserts to rain forests...

 

Fire ants are stinging ants of the genus Solenopsis, of which there are 266 species. They include Solenopsis invicta, commonly known as Red imported fire ant (RIFA).

 

Each colony produces large mounds in open areas, and feeds on young plants and seeds. Solenopsis often attacks young animals and can kill them. For humans it has a painful sting—hence the name fire ant—and the after effects of the sting are deadly to some individuals. The worker ants are blackish to reddish and vary from 3-6 mm in length. Solenopsis has a very distinctive two-segment antennal club. This is most visible in the front view of the female reproductive ant.

 

Solenopsis invicta, or Red imported fire ant, was accidentally introduced into the United States via Brazilian cargo entering the port of Mobile, Alabama, in the 1930s. The ants have since spread from coastal areas of Alabama and now infest large parts of the U.S. South, creating a nuisance to farmers and homeowners alike from central Texas to Maryland. Since 2001, anthills have been found in Australia, Philippines, Taiwan, and China

 

Nick closed the book violently, unable to keep his body from shaking. He had only read the introduction, but still his fingers, no his entire body felt as if those little animals were once again crawling over him and with a desperate sigh he wrapped his arms around himself to stop his hands from scratching and clawing at his skin.

 

“Stop it, it’s not real... it’s not real...”

 

But no matter how often he told himself those words, he still couldn’t sit still and as much as he dreaded it, he slowly walked over towards the bedroom. For a long time he stood there and looked at the bed, no, he thought, it wasn’t late enough yet and with a second shiver he turned around, walking towards the living room again.

 

There had to be some game on tonight and as he flipped through the channels he breathed relieved when he found a hockey game. Ice hockey wasn’t his first choice of sports but it was better than nothing and the fact that the Rangers were playing the Devils would at least give him plenty of opportunity to tease Danny tomorrow.

 

Nick smiled as he walked over to the kitchen to grab a beer and settled on the couch. He was just about to get really comfortable, when the door bell rang and with a sigh he got up again.

 

Mac, he guessed, Mac or Stella or maybe even Danny who had gotten bored at home. Silently he hoped that it would not be his supervisor for as much as he liked Mac he felt awkward around him since he knew about Danny’s feeling for him. Stella on the other hand, Stella was fun... Nick smiled as he remembered what Grissom had said as he’d described Stella during one of their nightly talks.

 

“She sounds like a cross between Greg and Warrick, scary as that sounds.”

 

Opening the door, he smiled at whoever stood on the other side and felt himself falling when blue eyes met his.

 

“Flack?”

 

He had never realized how tall Don Flack was, Nick thought almost dazedly as the cop stood in his entrance, his dark hair falling into his face, the dark leather coat billowing in the wind. Nick wasn’t a small man, but compared to Don he suddenly felt like it.

 

‘He would keep you safe.’

 

The thought came unbidden and Nick barely suppressed a shiver. He wasn’t generally submissive, but ever since he’d come out of his ordeal, he had dreamed of someone who would take care of him, someone he could lean onto when needed.

 

“I just wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

 

Don stood uncertainly in his entrance and Nick could just about suppress the blush when he realized that he stood in the doorway blocking the entry. Grinning lightly he moved out of the way and let the cop inside.

 

“I am fine, was just about to watch the game, you want to join?”

 

Now, where the heck had that come from? There was no way, Nick would be able to concentrate on the game with Don sitting next to him, on the other hand though, he didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to face another three, four hours of occupying himself so that he wouldn’t think of what had happened today.

 

But would Don let him do that? Wouldn’t the other man start asking questions about the incident?

 

“Who’s playing?”

 

The question was easy and casual and only now that Don had relaxed did Nick realize how tense the other man had been. It made it easier somehow, the knowledge that what had happened in the subway tunnel was a cause of unease for Don too. He detoured into the kitchen and got another beer, before he sat down next to Flack and answered the question.

 

“Rangers vs. Devils”

 

The grin that now threatened to split Don’s face into half made Nick’s heart stutter for a moment, and he knew that his open admiration was visible. Time seemed suspended as their eyes locked, then the cheers from the TV diverted their attention and Don pointed towards the screen.

 

“If you cheer for the Devils, I’ll personally make sure you’ll get a transfer to New Jersey.”

 

Nick laughed at that and chuckled as he thought of Brass.

 

“A friend of mine in Vegas used to work with New Jersey PD... Bet he would love that.”

 

Don was silent, watching the game and Nick found it surprisingly easy to fall into the old buddy routine of watching a game with a friend. During the first advertisement break, he called for pizza and when it got delivered in the first intermission he was relaxed enough to joke with Don in the easy way, he’d been joking around with Danny from the first day.

 

“Nick, why did you react like this? What triggered it?”

 

The question came out of the blue, one second he was watching the Rangers’ feeble attempts of playing power play, the next second he felt himself captured in Don’s gaze. For a second he didn’t know how to react and although a part in him screamed at him to just be straight and honest, Nick couldn’t force himself to answer.

 

The silence hung between them and the longer it lasted the more uncomfortable it got. Finally Don looked away and Nick felt his heart stop when he saw how the cop’s fingers trembled as he reached out for his beer.

 

“Look, I don’t want to prey into your private life. I just want to know if it was me...”

 

Shock was freezing Nick now, and he noticed how Don deliberately spoke with the TV as he hesitated and then continued.

 

“... I was an ass to you when you started and if that kind of triggered it, I am sure that Mac can have me reassigned...”

 

Nick reacted before he could think and his reaction was typical for him. Reaching out, he took Don’s hand and the other man fell silent. Nick saw the true concern in the blue eyes and sighing lightly, he decided to come clear.

 

“No, Don... It wasn’t something you did... It was just a flashback... being underground, the darkness and then suddenly the green emergency light...”

 

He saw that his mumbling was confusing the hell out of Don and he stared at his hands as he explained the truth.

 

“Six months ago, I was abducted while I was investigating a crime scene, I woke up buried underground... The guy who’d captured me left me a tape and a gun...”

 

---

 

Nothing could have prepared Don for the impact of those so simple sounding words and if anyone would have ever told him that terror could be a tangible thing he would have laughed. Not anymore, though...

 

Nick’s voice was detached, but the way he avoided looking at Don, the way he kept staring at his hands spoke volumes of how hard it was to talk about it. Feeling bad for forcing Nick to live through it again, he reached out and tentatively touched Nick’s shoulder. Chocolate dark eyes met his and he shivered at the memory of fear that he saw there.

 

“You don’t have to tell me. I don’t want to cause more pain.”

 

Nick smiled at that, but the smile faded and he got up to look out of the window, Don spared one look at the hockey game and turned the TV off. Silence descended over the room and for a moment he wished he hadn’t turned the background noise off. Then Nick spoke again.

 

“It was the green light, the sudden darkness and just the knowledge that I was underground which made me freak out. I am sorry, that you had to witness it. I thought I had it under control.”

 

The words were formal, and up until this morning, Don would have taken them at face value and reacted to them by saying good-bye. But something had changed this morning when he had held Nick, a vulnerable, trembling Nick in his arms and now, Don looked deeper and heard the faint trembling in the casual sounding voice, saw the slight tremor that ran through Nick’s body as his eyes fell on a book and following the look, Don noticed the book about ants. A terrible suspicion formed in his mind, but before he could say anything, Nick moved and sat down next to him.

 

“I know you don’t like working with me, but...”

 

Before Don realized what he was doing, he had grabbed Nick’s shoulder hard. Seeing the faint wince, he let him go immediately, but still kept his eyes captive.

 

“Look, my best friend had just been fired, then you came along...”

 

That and the simple fact that he had felt incredibly drawn towards the dark haired Texan without ever hoping of getting anywhere close enough... well add that together and you get Don Flack, the boy from Neanderthal…

 

“I am sorry Nick”

 

He bit his lips, he wasn’t good in apologizing, but the smile he got from the beautiful man next to him was worth the moment of embarrassment.

 

“It’s ok... I would have reacted the same, had the positions been reversed.”

 

It was Nick’s turn now to worry his lips and the sight was so erotic, that Don had to shift on the couch to hide his body’s reaction.

 

“Thanks”

 

The word came out of the blue and confused him, then though he understood what Nick meant and as if to make it clear, Nick gestured around.

 

“For checking on me, for helping me down in the subway...”

 

It hadn’t felt like a big deal to him, but as he told Nick so, he was surprised to see a soft smile cross Nick’s face.

 

“Don, there aren’t many cops that would have held me close and tried to calm me down the way you did. Most would have called for help or shouted at me... They sure as hell wouldn’t have caught dead with me in their arms.”

 

It had never occurred to Don, that his way of drawing Nick out of his memories would raise any questions, but as Nick put it so bluntly, he looked at the other man surprised. Nick laughed lightly, but it wasn’t a happy laugh.

 

“Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t heard the rumors about me and Danny. I mean latest after the Milner case, I’ve got the label ‘fag’ on my back...”

 

There was bitterness in Nick’s voice, but at the same time Don realized that Nick had accepted the label and wasn’t going to fight it. The truth though was, that he had never ever heard anything in that direction, had never gotten anything but glowing comments about the newest CSI member. Most of the cops appreciated his friendly manner and the fact that he’d been a street cop himself.

 

He wanted to say something about the rumors, but tensed as he understood the underlying implication and felt a rush of heat running through his body. He had known since the Milner case, that Nick was no god-fearing redneck, but now he that there was more. Danny’s cryptic comment from a couple of weeks back ran through his mind again.

 

‘If you were from Texas and the son of a judge, don’t you think you’d create a perfect mask? Don’t you think that behind that mask, there might be a completely different persona?’

 

Don had never backed out from a challenge, had never cared about risks and he wasn’t about to start today, not when it could bring him all he wanted. And slowly moving closer to Nick, he captured those chocolate brown eyes again.

 

“I held you cause I’d wanted to do that since I met you.”

 

Shock and surprise, but both emotions were immediately replaced by longing and hope and with his heart thundering in his ears, Don leaned closer.

 

“If I’ve read you wrong, then now is the moment you slap me and kick me out.”

 

Small crinkles around Nick’s eyes and only seconds later Don felt a soft hand on his face.

 

“Stay”

 

One word, but so many meanings behind... Too many for Don right at the moment and he decided to worry about it later and live in the now. The now which looked so tempting and with a deep moan he leaned in all the way to capture Nick’s lips for the first time.

 

The kiss was one of the softest he’d ever shared with another person, just a fluttering of lips against each other, no tongue, no teeth just tenderness and care. And yet it left him shaken to his core, Don felt a shiver running through his body and felt the answering shiver in Nick. Looking up he met the other man’s eyes and saw so many strong emotions in his eyes, emotions that he didn’t dare to name, not yet anyway.

 

“Don’t treat me like I’m weak, like I’m fragile.”

 

Nick’s voice was husky, but the words made Don look at him and shake his head.

 

“How could I? You’re the damn fucking strongest person I’ve ever met.”

 

The coarse words made Nick chuckle, but the light in his eyes dimmed. Don saw the moment when shame flooded them and it angered him more than he wanted to admit.

 

“Strong? Yeah, I was really strong in that subway.”

 

Eyes narrowing, Don grabbed Nick’s chin and forced him to meet his eyes.

 

“Ever asked for help Nick? Ever realized that it’s not weak to be weak?”

 

Don didn’t know where that sudden anger came from, all he knew was that he couldn’t stand the self-hatred he saw in Nick’s eyes. Fuck it and with a growl he captured the other man’s lips again, this time not soft and tender, but bruising and full of passion.

 

“That strong enough?”

 

He was panting when they broke apart, but he was far from done.

 

“You force yourself to be strong, going underground to prove something, but you don’t need to... Fuck Nick, you’ve already proven how strong you are... I mean fuck, you made it out sane!”

 

----

 

Nick was completely stunned by the outburst, but what shocked him even more was the deep concern, the sudden fear in Don’s eyes. Unable to move, he let himself being pulled towards Don and then they were close, almost lying next to each other on the couch, Don’s strong taller body sheltering him. But Nick was still too confused, too alert to relax and with a sigh, Don looked at him

“You put so much pressure on yourself, that one day you’ll break.”

 

The fear was back in the blue eyes and Nick stared at Don mesmerized by the intensity of his look. Don reached out and carefully moved his hand over Nick’s face, then in a whisper, still looking at Nick he confessed.

 

"I can't let this happen. I care too much for you."

 

He cares for me. Those simple words made Nick’s world spin and suddenly the feeling of security was back, the longing to be safe and with a sigh he relaxed in the comfort and shelter of Don’s larger body.

 

"What can I do to help you?"

 

Tell me that you love me. It was the first thing that came to Nick’s mind, but thankfully he had enough control over his tongue to not say it. Instead, thinking of the long hours ahead of him, he answered.

 

“Stay”

 

Don didn’t answer, but his arms enclosed Nick further, drawing him against the strong body and for a long time Nick soaked in the feeling of warmth and comfort.

 

“Why don’t we move this somewhere more comfortable?”

 

Nick was instantly awake and alert. He knew that Don must have felt how he tensed, because immediately he backtracked.

 

“We don’t have to do anything, I just thought you must be tired and I...”

 

Kissing Don was a great way to shut him up... Oh what the hell, kissing Don was great. But Nick knew that he had to clear any misunderstandings first.

 

“Nothing wrong... It’s just that I asked you to stay and it’s not fair to you, cause I’ll have nightmares tonight and I don’t want to expose you to them... Mmmph”

 

Obviously Don was a fast learner and Nick reveled in the kiss, forgetting where he was and what he was doing during the sensual assault. He was more than surprised to find himself in his bedroom with Don lowering him onto the bed.

 

“I told you Nick, I care.”

 

He understood then and his heart beat faster as he handed Don a pair of boxers to sleep and pointed towards the bathroom. The knowledge that Don was putting his longing and desire aside for him, to make sure that he, Nick, would get a good night sleep, it all was much more than he’d ever dreamed off and as he felt strong arms around his body, felt the safety of strong muscles against his back, he realized that for the first time since he’d been buried he wasn’t afraid of falling asleep.

 

----

 

The moonlight filtered through the curtains as Don woke up, for a moment he was disoriented and a shiver ran through him at the coldness of the room. Then slowly the reality filtered through and he shivered for another reason. Nick was in his arms, a strong body and an equally strong presence even asleep. The smaller man lay on his side, his back against Don’s front and the closeness made Don feel warm and safe. Softly Don moved to look at the other man and gasped lightly when dark eyes met his. For a moment they both stared at each other before Don leaned forward and brushed his lips against Nick’s.

 

Nick’s lips were soft and yet strong, just as he’d always imagined them. He moaned as Don’s tongue caressed his lips and opened for him. Don’s hands were shaking as he cradled the dark head, the entire kiss had an almost dream-like quality to him, the moon light that made Nick's eyes sparkle, his hands that gently held Don in return, it all felt unreal. He didn’t know how long they were lying there so close that their breaths mingled. Finally though, Don caressed Nick’s face gently.

 

"Sleep my love, I will be there for you whenever you need me."

 

Nick’s eyes lit up at the words and with a soft smile on his lips, he went back to sleep. Don’s last thought before he fell asleep too was how good it felt to call Nick his love and how true it was.

 

---