The concept and the people in the story are fictional and the property of several production companies. I only borrow them and return them unharmed and unmarked. No money is made of the story and no infringement is meant.

 

*Chapter 7*

 

Gil watched Nick as the plane was slowly descending, giving them a first and spectacular view of the island. His lover was wide-eyed as he took in the bareness and ruggedness of the mostly volcanic terrain. A tender smile crossed Gil’s face as Nick turned towards him and carefully he took the younger man’s hand. He felt happy and relaxed something he hadn’t felt a lot until Nick had stormed into his life. Drawing his lover closer, so that Nick’s head was leaning against his shoulder he exhaled deeply.

 

“You’re the first person I bring here.”

 

He didn’t see Nick’s eyes on him but he felt them nonetheless and when Nick’s hand squeezed his quickly, he knew that his lover understood.

 

“How did you get here the first time anyway?”

 

They had gotten their rental car at Kevlavik Airport and were driving through the bizarre volcanic landscape towards Reykjavik. It was already ten at night but the sun was still out, fooling them and their bodies into believing that it was still early in the evening.

 

“I came here for the first time about ten years ago. There was a forensic conference in the town and I had signed up not realizing that it would be here. When I arrived here, I was captivated by the country; it was unlike anything I had ever seen. Then at the conference we were all sitting and waiting for the first presentation when suddenly the entire room was shaking.”

 

Gil smiled at the memory of how he and his fellow conference members from abroad had run screaming out of the auditorium.

 

“And there we were... Two dozen geeky CSIs frightened to the point we’d probably wet our pants and everyone was staring at us as if he were aliens.”

 

Nick chuckled and then interrupted Gil’s mental journey to the past in order to ask for directions. With a smile Gil directed him into the city and towards the harbour, then after an encouraging look from Nick he continued with his story.

 

“It turned out that they have about three small earth quakes a week.”

 

Gil saw that Nick couldn’t see the connection between a place having that many earth quakes and Gil’s desire to visit said place again and again.

 

“It fascinated me; this place is one of the youngest grounds in the world. It’s like being a couple of million years closer to the creation of the Earth.”

 

Now Nick grinned and while he parked their car in front of the cosy looking hotel he asked casually.

 

“Been trying to find out how bugs develop in such an area and climate, haven’t you?”

 

Gil knew that Nick was teasing him, but he couldn’t help the blush that was spreading over his face. His lover shook his head and leaned over capturing Gil’s lips in a gentle loving kiss.

 

“Don’t ever change Gil, don’t”

 

---

 

“Ok, that’s the last form you need to sign and then you’re free.”

 

Brass shook his head and put his name and signature on the last of probably a dozen forms. The nurse smiled and came around to shake his hand.

 

“Good luck, Captain Brass, and I hope I won’t see you again as a patient.”

 

She had always been friendly and maybe even a bit more, Jim was pretty sure that if he were to ask for her phone number, she’d gladly give it to him. He didn’t feel like it though, there was only one person whose phone number was of interest to him and with a bitter smile he thought that he even had it and yet never would use it.

 

“Is your friend not coming to pick you up?”

 

She seemed concerned about that fact and inwardly Brass hoped that Vega would be on time, he had no desire to have her offering to drive him home or anything like it. Just then, the detective walked up at the front door.

 

“No worried, he’s already here.”

 

Confused the nurse shook her head.

 

“Not Detective Vega, I’m talking about the man who was almost constantly there when you were unconscious. The CSI, that’s what they are called, isn’t it?”

 

Her words hit him and he stood frozen while Vega walked up to him and the nurse said good bye. He still stood there as Vega grabbed his bag and looked at him.

 

“Brass, you need help?”

 

He saw his colleague’s concerned look and realized that he was trembling slightly.

 

“No, just not used to the heat anymore.”

 

Vega grunted and didn’t question the feeble explanation. They drove off and while Vega chatted about the latest happenings in the office, Brass was silent. His thoughts were a jumbled mess as his mind constantly went back to the nurse’s words.

 

‘He was almost constantly here, while you were unconscious.’

 

A CSI, she had said and of course Nick would be the most obvious choice, but Brass already knew that while Nick had intended to visit him, the argument with Gil and the care of his colleagues had prevented that. The younger CSI had seen him since he had woken up, had apologized for not coming to see him before and Jim had smiled. Only Nick would apologize for not visiting when he was out cold.

 

The rest of his friends at the graveyard team had not come by either he knew that for sure.

 

So who had it been?

 

Conrad’s face appeared in front of his eyes and suddenly things clicked into the right place. Little things, like Conrad’s protectiveness towards Gil and Nick, his fierceness when it had come to hunt those officers down, the fear he Brass had seen whenever the CSI spoke of his former life... and then only two days ago when he had woken up.

 

‘It was an awfully close call’

 

Looking back Brass realized that it hadn’t been anger that had made Ecklie’s voice clipped. It had been fear and pain.

 

“You’ll be alright on your own?”

 

Vega’s words jerked him back to reality and he noticed that they had arrived at his house. Getting up he took his bag and smiled at the detective.

 

“Sure I will, got along fine all those years”

 

Vega grinned and drove off. Jim’s eyes followed him, but he didn’t see the car leaving, instead he saw another man, another car and maybe another life for himself.

 

---

 

Nick woke to a wonderful feeling of desire and warmth. He was floating in that state between asleep and awake, dreaming of warm water surrounding him, while he stared at the incredible blue of the sky. Out of the dark a sharp pain shattered the feeling of calm and peace and replaced the water with liquid fire. Nick shivered, gasped in passion and opened his eyes.

 

“I thought that would wake you”

 

 

Gil sounded smug as he soothed the bite mark on Nick’s hip with his tongue. The caress’ cooling effect was negated when Gil only seconds later dove down and swallowed his lover’s cock.

 

“Gil”

 

It was the first and last coherent word as Nick’s world narrowed to the heat and suction around his core. Flames seemed to lick at him and he trashed helplessly on the bed.

 

“Come Nicky, come for me”

 

He tried to hold back, make it last but as he opened his eyes he saw Gil’s hand furiously stroking his own cock, saw Gil’s lips stretched around his cock and it was too much. With a shout Nick gave himself over to the flames.

 

“What a way to wake up”

 

Gil chuckled lightly next to him and drew Nick against his body. His hands idly caressed the sculpted chest while his lips tasted the sweaty skin at Nick’s neck. It was so intimate, so perfect, that Nick felt like crying. Two days ago, he had been sure that he would never be able to hold his lover like this. A shiver of dread went through him and instinctively Nick pressed Gil’s hand against his body.

 

“Don’t leave me”

 

He felt Gil tense and then relax again. Softly his lover released him and moved so that he could look in his eyes. They were full of love and Nick felt safe once more.

 

“I will never leave you. Nicky, I love you too much for that.”

 

Joy and relief made him smile and tear up at the same time. He wiped at the tears only to have Gil lean down and kiss them away. Moving back, his lover smiled.

 

“Come on. Let’s get up and dressed, there’s a lot to see today.”

 

Gil’s enthusiasm was catching and although he was tired, Nick showered and dressed quickly.

 

“Where are we going today?”

 

Gil smiled happy.

 

“Surprise Nicky, surprise”

 

---

 

Officer Fromansky had of course heard about the crime scene where his Captain had gotten shot, had heard how his colleagues had been caught framing the faggot and had shaken his head in disgust.

 

“If you want to pull something like this off, then you have to plan it well. I mean what shit can go wrong at a scene and no one will investigate, you know... Things like someone falling down a stair... or something hitting someone... The whole framing idea was never gonna work.”

 

The three men sitting with him on his back porch nodded.

 

“CSI’s have way too much influence for one of them getting convicted and Grissom’s fuck boy? Never gonna happen.”

 

The harsh comment got nods around and another man threw in his ten cents of ‘wisdom’.

 

“It’s a sad world where good cops get kicked out of the force and the lab fags get a promotion.”

 

Again a round of grunts showed that every one agreed to that, yet before the fourth man could say anything, the two full bottles on the table shattered into a thousand pieces.

 

“What the fuck?”

 

The four cops immediately grabbed their guns but the garden was as calm and peaceful as before. Staring at the smashed bottles, Fromansky felt fear creep down his spine as he noticed the calibre.

 

“Get inside”

 

There was something in his voice that made his buddies follow him without asking any more questions. Once there they stared at each other.

 

“We’ve got to call the cops”

 

As if to answer the slightly shocked comment, Fromansky’s cell phone started ringing and looking at the anonymous caller id he picked up.

 

“I’m watching you”

 

The voice was distorted, unrecognizable.

 

“Who the fuck are you?”

 

A cold laughter sounded through the phone and again a shiver of fear trickled over his neck.

 

“You’re bigotry almost killed a man, a good man. I won’t have that. I am watching every step of you and your mates.”

 

The line went dead and Fromansky stared at it.

 

“Who was it? The guy who shot? Come on, call the cops... Call the CSIs”

 

But Fromansky shook his head, he wasn’t a dumb man and he understood a threat when he heard one. The man or woman on the other end had been dead serious and obviously had the skills to see it through. Taking a deep breath, he turned and told his friends in no uncertain terms what he was going to do and what they would be doing in the future.

 

Leave Stokes and Grissom alone... at least until they were certain that no one was watching.

 

---

 

After the first day driving endlessly through lava fields along the coast Nick was awed by the sheer tangible power of the country, on the second day Grissom took him upon a glacier and when their guide commanded the dog sledge and his lover told him of the thousand of feet of ice beneath them and the sleeping volcano underneath all that ice, Nick felt humbled. On the third day he stood with one foot in America and another in Europe and almost disbelievingly he laughed in joy and happiness.

 

Gil had planned everything, had shown him the popular and touristy places as well as those secret spots that he had found by chance while hunting for bugs and other species.

 

On the fourth day Gil drove them towards the mainland and soon the tarmac roads gave way to grovel paths and after a couple of miles even those disappeared, the only sign that they were still on a ‘road’ were the small heaps of stones every mile.

 

“Gris, where are we going?”

 

Nick heard his own voice, heard the sliver of unease in it and he knew when Gil stopped, that his lover had heard it too.

 

“Something wrong Nicky?”

 

He looked around the empty plane of grey and black sand, it wasn’t that he had never been in the desert, hell he lived in Las Vegas, but there was something eerie about this place, it was as if everything was too still, too quiet and Nick felt a shiver flow through his body.

 

“It’s too quiet.”

 

Gil stopped the car and for a moment he looked at Nick. The blue eyes were intense and Nick suddenly felt like a little schoolboy, then though his lover gently cupped his face and drew him closer. Soft lips nibbled at his and he moaned at the love he felt from the kiss and from within.

 

“You know when they talk about the calm before the storm? That’s why it is so quiet here.”

 

Gently moving Nick’s face so that he looked towards the East, Gil pointed at a large snow covered mountain.

 

“Askja, the folks here say that she is the most treacherous of all the volcanoes. They say that no living being dares to make a home on those plains because the mountain would not tolerate it”

 

Ok, Nick felt as if he had just fallen into twilight zone, since when did Gil Grissom, scientist and science freak par excellence believe in folk tales?

 

“Gil, that’s just a tale”

 

His lover sent him a look and shrugged. Still not believing his ears and eyes, Nick just stared as Gil left their rental and motioned for him to do the same. Standing on the black sand, Nick felt Gil walk up behind him and wrap him in his arms.

 

“This country cannot be explained completely by science. There is more here.”

 

Nick turned and shook his head.

 

“Who are you and what have you done to the real Gil Grissom.”

 

Instead of an answer, Gil just laughed and nudged Nick back to the car.

 

“Get in, we’re almost there”

 

Following his lover’s orders Nick sat down again, yet when Gil started the car, he looked outside again and wondered.

 

“Just where in all world’s is ‘there’?”

 

---

 

“It never gets any easier, doesn’t it?”

 

Vega looked tiredly at Catherine, who was staring at the crime scene. She looked up and their eyes met. No, finding a child dead didn’t get easier, and neither did walking onto a crime scene knowing that a young life had been taken.

 

“No it doesn’t, but this is worse than what we normally see.”

 

She was pale and Vega understood her anguish. From what they had gathered just by the preliminary search of the crime scene and the body, the young girl had suffered a terrible ordeal before her death. Vega had needed more than a second to get his stomach settled again and for Catherine, a mother of another young girl it had to be even worse.

 

“I went through the room, there’s blood and semen everywhere.”

 

Warrick’s voice was as pained as Cat’s and the two CSIs looked at each other sadly yet determined.

 

“At least we got DNA”

 

It was a stark comment and didn’t help to make working the scene easier. Vega excused himself and left the house in order to talk to the neighbours although he already was quite sure that no one would have seen or heard anything. It just was this kind of neighbourhood.

 

“Are you holding up?”

 

Cat smiled at the concern in her colleague’s voice and nodded tersely, she already knew that they would have to work a double shift especially with Nick and Gil not around, but nevertheless she planned on spending at least a couple of hours with Lindsey.

 

Just to be sure, just to know that she was alive.

 

“Got some prints here”

 

Warrick dusted the door handle and took the prints while she walked over to the next door and looked at the uniformed cop standing there.

 

“This room been cleared too?”

 

The dark haired man just looked at her and she felt as if his eyes were assessing her. She saw the flash of contempt in his eyes and knew where it came from. Anger spread through her, but she forced him to meet her eyes and saw that beneath the contempt there was fear.

 

“Yes it had been cleared, ma’am”

 

She felt Warrick’s eyes on her back as she entered the dark room and gasped. Immediately her colleague was next to her and although he supported her, she could feel from the shivers in his body that he was just as affected as her.

 

They were staring into a torture chamber.

 

---

 

Nick stared at Gil as if he had gone insane and Gil smiled lightly when his lover started to speak.

 

“You want me to follow you inside that ice cave and get underneath of tons of ice on a glacier which by the way covers a volcano that might erupt anytime?”

 

He could hear the disbelief in the clear voice and smiled. Nick was a born and bred Texan and volcanoes, glacier and ice didn’t really belong to the daily occurrences in the Southern state. With a fond smile, Gil remembered that he had reacted the same way, when Erik had taken him to this place so many years ago. Then it had seemed almost like a murder attempt, but the local had just laughed and led him under the ice towards a place that Gil had never forgotten.

 

“Trust me Nick, if the volcano was close to an eruption, they would have stopped us miles ago. The entire island is perfectly monitored by scientists.”

 

He saw the fidgeting of his lover and held out his hand.

 

“This is the reason I brought you here, this place under the ice, is what I want to share with you.”

 

Maybe it wasn’t exactly fair play, but Gil didn’t care when Nick took his hand and followed him down the small trail leading them underneath the ice. One thing that Gil had noted the first time and every time since was how every sound was drowned out under the snow. It was completely and perfectly silent, for the first few feet it was light, then it got darker again and Gil used his flash light to show the way.

 

“Where are you bringing us?”

 

He felt Nick close behind him and smiled when the small path suddenly widened and he heard Nick gasp.

 

“Here”

 

Gil turned and looked at Nick who just stared. They were standing in a large hall, for the lack of a better word, light filtered through although it wasn’t clear where it came from, they were underneath a glacier but the ‘hall’ was warm.

 

“What is this place?”

 

Nick had walked up to him and looked mesmerized.

 

“Scientifically speaking, this is what happens when a volcano erupts under a glacier. The fire will melt several tons of ice, which freezes again and melts continuously until the pressure is too much and the glacier bursts, then all the water flows over the plains creating those sand deserts we drove over. Once the eruption stops, the glacier keeps growing and moving not unlike a very, very slow river and the ‘hall’ created by the eruption moves further away from the volcano’s mouth. Geologists estimate that this hall must have been built about two-thousand years ago.”

 

“It is beautiful”

 

Nick’s voice was full of awe and admiration as he leaned against Gil. Turning slowly he met his lover’s eyes.

 

“Thank you for bringing me here.”

 

The love in those dark eyes almost made Gil forget about the one treat that made this ‘hall’ so special and watching his step he walked closer to the water. Nick’s hand tightened in his.

 

“Watch out Gil”

 

Gil reached out, drew his love towards him and began to unbutton Nick’s jacket.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

He smiled and looked up into confused brown eyes.

 

“Taking a bath”

 

---

 

Sara sat in the break room waiting for Warrick and Cat to fill her in. The case had affected them all, the things they had found and seen mostly too horrific to be forgotten for a long time. She sighed partly relieved that it hadn’t been her assigned to it, partly feeling guilty for that relief. It didn’t matter though, from what they had found, the assumption that more than one child could be a victim was terribly real and so she listened to the gruesome facts.

 

“That’s what we have so far.”

 

Catherine’s voice wavered a bit and there were tears in her eyes, Sara was surprised at the sudden surge of protectiveness she felt towards the other woman and for once going with her instincts, she got up and put an arm around Catherine.

 

“Why don’t you go home and see Lindsey for an hour or two? There isn’t that much you can do right now and if anything urgent happens I’ll call you.”

 

She felt Warrick’s eyes on her back, but forced herself not to back down even though caring for someone or more precisely showing that care was unfamiliar. But she had promised herself in Gil’s office that she would become more open, that she would live again.

 

Why not start today?

 

Catherine looked at her and the gratitude in the clear eyes made Sara swallow hard.

 

“Thanks”

 

The older woman left the break room and Warrick looked intently at Sara.

 

“What?”

 

He grinned and crooked one eyebrow.

 

“First Gil, then you... There must be something in the water?”

 

More confused than irritated she sent him a glance.

 

“Becoming human, I mean.”

 

---

 

“I can’t believe I’m sitting in a hot pool underneath a glacier.”

 

Nick was floating in the hot water and felt as if he was dreaming. Those entire four days had been like a dream, he had seen parts of Gil’s personality that he had not known. This though, this surreal but incredibly beautiful place was beyond anything he had ever seen. Soft skin pressed up against his body and he was drawn into Gil’s arms. Resting his head on his lover’s shoulder, he gave himself over to the feeling of security and love.

 

“If you ever feel down or like you are not good enough, think back to this place and how perfectly you fit into that majestic setting.”

 

The words were whispered against his skin and made him tense slightly. He’d feared that Gil would bring it up again, but he didn’t want to talk about it, not now and somehow Gil seemed to read his mind as instead of asking more questions, he started to kiss and nibble at his ear.

 

“Relax my love, relax and let me take care of you.”

 

Soft kisses rained down on the warm skin where the water didn’t cover him while skilled hands went to caress and explore under the water making his blood boil. Nick leaned back and moaned lightly.

 

“Give yourself over to me”

 

A whispered command that Nick could not refuse and he let Gil take care of him, trusting his lover with his heart, body and soul.

 

---

 

*Chapter 8*

 

“No Nick”

 

Gil immediately quietened his voice as people in the plane turned around and looked at him. But he didn’t release his hold on Nick’s hand, his mind spinning after the words Nick had just said.

 

‘Maybe it is better if I leave the department’

 

“No Nick, if you leave, they will win and what for? I need you to keep working with me, to be the one who can emphasise with the families and the victims. I can’t do that, Warrick can’t and Sara neither but you are can and this is so vital...”

 

He trailed off remembering how often he had scolded Nick for exactly the thing he praised him for now, Gil cursed himself when he saw Nick’s dark eyes on him with sadness in it and for a moment he wondered what he could say. He decided on honesty after just a moment of consideration.

 

“Hell Nick, I know that I tell you off because of it, but truth is our team needs someone like you and it is not all, you are an exceptional CSI and I can tell you one thing, Cat would not have recommended you for the lead CSI position if you weren’t good enough for it... So don’t go throwing it all away now please!”

 

Nick was silent, too silent but when he spoke again, there was a smile in his eyes and his hand turned in Gil’s hold, caressing the strong hand gently.

 

“Gil, I don’t want to leave, I love my job... I just thought it would make it easier for you and me...”

 

He trailed off and then looked at his lover incredulously.

 

“Cat recommended me for lead CSI?”

 

His voice was almost a squeak and Gil couldn’t help the smile in his face.

 

“She did”

 

Nick shook his head and smiled happily.

 

“Wow”

 

The flight attendant came around and as Gil asked for champagne he felt Nick’s questioning eyes on him. His stomach tensed as he realized that this was his final chance, he had wanted to ask his lover since they had boarded the plane to Iceland and hadn’t found the courage to do so until now, thirty minutes before they would land in Las Vegas, back home.

 

“What’s the occasion?”

 

Nick smiled and carefully caressed his hand trying not to draw too much attention to them and yet still show his love. Gil shivered at the tender touch and turned to meet Nick’s eyes.

 

“I wanted to say thanks for forgiving me... and for giving me another chance...”

 

Gil trailed off cursing himself slightly, he wasn’t used to declarations of love and certainly had never intended to make such a statement in the middle of a plane even if they flew business class and had some more space to themselves. He took another deep breath and when he saw that Nick wanted to speak, he held up his hand to prevent him from saying anything. He needed to say this now or he would lose his courage immediately.

 

“Nick will you move in with me?”

 

He forced himself to look into the brown eyes and saw the moment when the meaning of his words hit Nick, but instead of the shock he had anticipated, he saw love and a wonderful smile starting to light the dark eyes.

 

“I love you”

 

It was not an answer but as he saw Nick’s bright smile, he knew what his lover would decide and shortly after Nick confirmed it.

 

“Of course I will move in with you!”

 

The low sound of the warning bell announced that they had to fasten their seatbelts and soon enough they were descending and saw the skyline of Las Vegas glittering in the darkness.

 

“Home”

 

Nick’s voice sounded wistful and Gil could understand him for he felt the same, happy to be home and yet at the same time sad that their mini break was finished.

 

----

 

“Hey guys, I need to talk to you before Gil and Nick come in tonight.”

 

Sara, Cat and Greg looked surprised and a bit concerned Warrick noted. And somehow it fit, cause what he wanted to talk about was serious and he wanted to talk about it without Nick or Gil hearing it. They had been through enough during the past couple of months and the last thing Warrick wanted was another episode like the one last week happening.

 

“Look, we’ve been out on scenes since the thing happened and ...”

 

He trailed off, when he saw Brass walking inside the break room, but after an encouraging look from Catherine, he continued to speak.

 

“... I mean you can’t tell me that you haven’t noticed how the cops are around us. They are barely civil with us and I fear how they will treat Gil or Nick.”

 

Warrick remembered only too well, the way the cops had reacted those few times, the CSI had extended their investigations to include one of theirs and with a sideway glance to Brass he braced himself before he continued.

 

“We have to watch out for them...”

 

Again he trailed off, suddenly unsure by the dark, sad look that was on the Captain’s face, but before he could say anything else, Brass finished the sentence for him.

 

“... cause those that should won’t.”

 

There was an uneasy silence in the room as each of the team members realized that this simple but harsh statement was not only true for Gil and Nick but for themselves too. Sara and Cat shared a look and Warrick saw the short moment of fear in Greg’s features before his face returned to normal. Brass who, like Warrick had watched them all, cleared his voice.

 

“Look, I know who’s loyal to whom and I’ll make sure that the right ones are assigned to your cases, but I can’t promise more.

 

The look in Brass’ eyes said more than that, and Warrick realized that this entire mess had hit the Captain more than he had let on. He felt for the man, cause it had to be hell to stand between his subordinates and his friends.

 

“Don’t worry Warrick, we’ll look out for them.”

 

Catherine’s voice was strong and confident and as she smiled they couldn’t help but answer it. The tension lessened and slowly the talk turned to different topics.

 

---

 

Conrad had not slept well; dreams had haunted him, dreams in which he wasn’t the investigator but the cause for the investigation, dreams in which he had been on the dark side of humanity. He was tired and he was on the edge. He knew it and as he realized how his team members tried to stay out of his way hoping to get through the day without attracting his attention, he had taken action.

 

Finally he had retreated into his office and tried to concentrate on the reports that had been due three weeks ago. Normally the mind numbing work would have been enough to make him calm down and become more mellow, but today it seemed to enhance his restlessness instead and with a curse he got up.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with me?”

 

“Talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity.”

 

A low chuckle accompanied the words from the door and made him wince as he jerked around. Brass was standing in the door, one arm still in a sling, but looking much better than the last time he had seen him. For a short moment Conrad forgot what he had wanted to say and immediately cursed himself for it.

 

“You ok?”

 

There was something in Brass’ voice that made him look closer at the cop. It was a dark undertone and it made him shiver lightly. The captain obviously waited for an answer and with a fake smile he grinned.

 

“Sure, just fucking tired with the bullshit some idiots of my team did today.”

 

Jim shook his head smiling lightly and this time the smile reached his eyes.

 

“Well, I leave you to your reports then... Have a good night.”

 

Conrad nodded, but as Brass left his eyes followed the Captain until he turned around the corner and was out of sight. Something was wrong, but he couldn’t pinpoint it and with a sigh he returned to his reports trying to push aside the small ache in his heart.

 

It was silly to feel bad that Brass wouldn’t talk to him about what was bothering him. Completely and utterly silly...

 

---

 

Nick smiled as he saw Gil yawning on their drive over to the lab. There was a time difference of seven hours between Vegas and Iceland, but even more than that it was always hard to get back into the routine of the nightshift after holidays.

 

And of course the seemingly endless days in the Northern country had not helped them sleep. It didn’t matter though, they had had their fun, now it was back to work. At the thought of work, Nick had to suppress a shiver and he frowned.

 

“What’s wrong love?”

 

Gil had seen his dark look and Nick considered a moment to shrug it off, but then thought better and as they walked towards the lab, he explained quietly.

 

“It’s just that I feel like everyone is still whispering behind my back after this case and that even though I have been cleared, they still think I am guilty.”

 

He felt his lover’s eyes on himself and saw how anger had darkened them, they reminded him of the angry and raging sea they had seen on the cost in Iceland and as Gil spoke his voice was just as cold.

 

“You have done nothing wrong and if anyone treats you differently, they will have to answer to me.”

 

He saw the determination and the unwavering support and love in Gil’s eyes and it made him smile the first real smile since they had woken up this morning. Gathering his courage, he straightened his back and walked inside the glass building.

 

“Nick, Gil, good you’re here... We have a DB and since we three are busy with this children case, it’s your body.”

 

Catherine’s voice was drawn and tight and even a quick glance at his friend told Nick that whatever this children case entailed must have taken a heavy toll on the older CSI. He looked at her concerned, but she shook her head.

 

“Don’t ask Nick, I can’t allow myself to think about it really, cause if I do, I’ll break down.”

 

Nick shivered at the pain in her voice and looking at Gil, he gestured that he was going to get their kits while Catherine could update her Co-Supervisor about the ongoing cases. He saw his lover nod and left them alone, walking over to the locker room to get changed and grab their stuff.

 

He had just unbuttoned his shirt and was reaching for the usual work outfit, when Warrick walked into the room.

 

“Hey bro, how was the trip?”

 

The question brought all the incredible memories to the surface and for a moment Nick lost himself in them.

 

“Ok, ok, you don’t even have to say anything, I get it...”

 

Smiling a bit sheepish, Nick looked at Warrick and saw the dark rings under his eyes, the tension in his body, the exhaustion in the slower than normal movements.

 

“Warrick, are you ok?”

 

He saw the shiver that ran through Warrick at the question and then his friend shrugged.

 

“Bad case, that’s all.”

 

Nick sighed and sat down next to him deciding that Gil’s talk with Catherine would last long enough that he could quickly make sure that his friend wasn’t breaking down. Tentatively he put a hand on Warrick’s shoulder.

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

Warrick looked up and smiled with gratitude in his eyes, but he shook his head.

 

“Not now, but when it’s all over... I think I’ll need some space then.”

 

Nick tensed at Warrick’s wording and looked closer. ‘Needing some space’ was Warrick’s way of telling him that he was close to break down, close to give into the temptation to forget everything at a casino table. It was like a code word between them and Nick nodded softly.

 

“Just let me know when ok?”

 

Warrick swallowed, got up and left the room. Sighing lightly Nick got up, grabbed his kit and walked back out to the car. Gil was already standing there, his face a mask.

 

“What did Catherine say?”

 

Gil was silent for a long time, then he started to speak slowly and a sick feeling spread through Nick. He had not lied this morning, when he had told Gil how much he loved his job. But there were moments he hated it. Cases that hit a bit too close to home.

 

This was one.

 

---

 

Asked later Conrad would never be able to answer why he had gone to that bar, but as he walked outside of the lab, reports finished and delivered, he saw the neon sign of the new lounge bar right across the building and decided to finish the day with a quick drink.

 

He didn’t do that often, didn’t drink much. The habit of drinking orange juice at receptions and aperos had been ingrained into him for too long, that he could break it now and so he ordered a cranberry juice with water, smirking at the surprised look he got from the waiter.

 

The lounge was dimly lit, comfortable and cosy. The patrons were mostly young, successful and fashion addicts. Looking at the crowd and the décor, Ecklie couldn’t help thinking that this was a New York bar, no, a Manhattan bar... the people, the waiters everything would have been perfect for a downtown bar in Soho, but here in Vegas, just across the CSI lab, the bar didn’t fit in.

 

Neither did the man his eyes fell on and for a moment Conrad froze. Jim Brass was the last person he wanted to see and yet now that he had seen him, he couldn’t ignore him. Grabbing his drink, he got up and sat down in the armchair next to Brass’.

 

“Nightcap?”

 

Brass looked up from glass of bourbon he had been staring into and for a moment, Ecklie thought he saw joy in the blue eyes, before a certain wariness settled in them.

 

“Just needed to get my mind of everything.”

 

The honest answer surprised Conrad and looking at the glass he wondered how many of such drinks, Jim had already had.

 

“The shooting still bothering you?”

 

He saw the shiver that ran through the Captain’s body and couldn’t suppress a shiver himself. He might be able to talk about the incident calmly but that didn’t stop his heart from racing and clenching every time he thought of how close he had come to lose Jim. For a moment there was an awkward silence and without wanting to, Conrad found himself watching Jim’s hand as he played with the drink. Jim had strong, capable hands, hands that were not afraid of acting, hands that...

 

He averted his eyes as he focused on his own drink, but the thought came back to his mind and with the thought the fantasy he had never allowed himself.

 

How would it be to feel Jim’s hands on his body?

 

“It’s not the shooting, it’s why it happened...”

 

Jim’s words tore him away from his dream and back into the cruel reality, Conrad heard the sadness in the words and looking concerned at the other man he noted the trembling in his hands.

 

“You know sometimes I wonder...”

 

Again Brass trailed off and took another sip from his drink, then as if he was steeling himself, Brass took a deep breath.

 

“Sometimes I wonder, if I were still alive, had I ever had the courage that Nick and Gil have.”

 

The sentence didn’t make any sense in Conrad’s mind, but that might just have been because his brain was currently not working. He must have misunderstood, cause there was no way...

 

“You are...”

 

He didn’t say it, couldn’t say it, but he forced himself to look at Jim. He saw fear in the other man’s eyes and realized that he had not misunderstood anything. Brass had just told him that he was gay too.

 

“I am... But had I ever been honest about it, I’d probably be dead now.”

 

A shiver ran through Conrad and for once his control slipped and he spoke without thinking.

 

“No”

 

It was just one word, but he heard himself how much stood behind those two letters, how many emotions were in there and when he saw Brass look at him, he shook his head.

 

“Don’t say something like this... I can’t think of...”

 

He caught himself before he could say something unforgivable and swallowed harshly. Jim looked at him quizzically and finally smiled.

 

“Thanks, I think”

 

Conrad couldn’t help responding to that smile and just like that all that shit that had happened during the day fell away. The lightness he felt scared him, but at the same time was so freeing that he couldn’t wish for this state to last.

 

“I think I should head home, never know when I get called out again.”

 

Jim got up and swayed for a moment and immediately Conrad stood next to him. He had no idea how much the other man had drunk, but there was no way he would let him drive.

 

“Jim, give me your key, I’ll drive you home.”

 

The older man looked at him and frowned.

 

“I’m fine Conrad, really, just had one drink.”

 

But he didn’t look fine, his skin was pale and shaking his head Conrad just held out his hand. Sighing audibly and muttering something about CSI’s Brass handed him the key and after paying his drink, they left. After the short disagreement, there was a certain tension in the car and both men were silent apart from the short directions that Brass gave Ecklie. Conrad nodded and drove according to the Captains guidance, never admitting that he knew the way to Jim’s house by heart already.

 

Finally they were there and Jim suddenly turned over and looked at Conrad. He felt the intensive look and suddenly had an idea how the criminals felt when Brass interrogated them. For a long time, Jim didn’t say anything, then suddenly he spoke.

 

“Why does it bother you so much to speak of the shooting? Why did you run from the hospital Conrad? What is it that you can’t...?”

 

He was trapped in Jim’s gaze and Conrad felt his heart race. It was as if he was watching himself in slow motion as he lifted his hand to Jim’s face. It was madness, complete and utter madness, but he couldn’t stop himself as he leaned over. Inches away from Jim he finally answered the question.

 

“Because I never thought I could lose you, because it hurt me too much to see you injured and in pain, because I can’t imagine you gone...”

 

He saw surprise and something else in Jim’s eyes, but before the other man could say anything else, he closed the distance between them and shutting the voice in the back of his mind that told him to stop and regain control over his feelings, Conrad leaned in completely and kissed Jim Brass for the first time in his life.

 

----

 

*Chapter 9*

 

Gil still felt bile in his mouth from the pictures Catherine had shown him and a quick look told him that Nicky felt the same although he hadn’t seen the details. There were cases that affected him and whenever children were involved, it was hard for Gil to maintain the aloof mask. He was silently glad that they had been called to a different crime scene and as he felt Nick’s hand in his for a second he realized that his lover thought so too.

 

“O’Reilly, what do you have for us?”

 

He hadn’t looked at the detective while he asked and as he turned and looked at the other man, he suddenly had a cold feeling in his stomach. O’Reilly had been a cop for decades and to make him look like he was now, pale and nauseous, the crime scene had to be incredible. Gil looked at Nick and saw that his lover had figured out the same thing and looked apprehensive.

 

“Dead kid... Looks like a dump, but it’s not... not pretty”

 

He steeled himself, but there were sights where no experience and no text book could prepare for and to see a young body so terribly mutilated and abused was something that would always affect Gil. He heard a sharp intake of breath and looked at Nick who was pale. For a moment he wondered if he should say something, but his lover beat him to it.

 

“I’ll call Catherine and then start with the parameters.”

 

Nick’s voice was steady and only someone who knew him as well as Gil did, saw the effort it cost Nick to remain so detached. He told Catherine with short words about their case and then handed the phone over to Gil without saying anything. Gil watched as Nick kneeled down next to the dead boy and felt a shiver run over his spine, there had been something in Nick’s eyes...

 

“Grissom, can you give us a call when you’re on the way back to the lab? We have to sit together... “

 

He agreed with Catherine and promised to call her, then before he could end the call, she suddenly spoke again.

 

“And Gil, have an eye on Nick, will you?”

 

The cryptic comment intensified his worries and as he started searching for any evidence that could lead them to those who had killed and dumped this young boy, he kept one eye on his lover suddenly wishing with all his heart that they were still in Iceland, that they could retreat into their secret cave and just hide from the world. He closed his eyes in despair for a moment, but immediately opened them and searched on.

 

---

 

When they finally met in the lab, the strain the case took on each of them was visible. Catherine looked drawn, Sara was ghastly pale and the absence of any banter between Warrick and Nick spoke volumes of how the case affected the two younger men. The only one who seemed to be as calm and composed as usual was Grissom and everyone in the team knew that the calm façade was exactly that, a façade. One after each other they presented their findings, then as they recapitulated, Sara suddenly said something that shook everyone.

 

“You know we have two dead children, children that must have been missing for a while and yet we don’t have any missing persons, nothing matches. It’s like these kids don’t exist.”

 

Everyone was silent for a moment, then Warrick said what they all thought but didn’t dare speaking out loud.

 

“Either that or they know exactly what has happened to them.”

 

They didn’t know which was worse.

 

Catherine had tried to keep an eye on Nick without the younger man noticing, but as he looked at her annoyed she realized that she had failed. Shortly after the meeting, he met her outside and looked at her for a moment.

 

“If you keep looking at me like this, Gil will notice and start asking questions.”

 

Nick kept his voice low and there was a cold and hard undertone. Catherine looked at her younger colleague and understood what he wasn’t saying and yet she could barely believe it. Didn’t want to believe it and yet it made sense. Made sense that Nick in his unique way of thinking had not told his lover about the abuse, had not wanted to ‘burden’ him with the knowledge.

 

“Are you telling me, that he doesn’t know?”

 

Without wanting to, she had raised her voice and he immediately dragged her towards an empty lab, Catherine followed him and held her tongue until the door was closed behind him.

 

“Nick, how can you tell me that a relationship is about communicating and talking and then at the same time, not tell your partner about something that grave?”

 

Catherine shook her head, but stopped anything she was about to say when her eyes fell on Nick again, he was pale and shivering. There was more to this issue than she had thought and suddenly she wished she could take her harsh words back. Trying to calm him, she put a hand onto his arm when he looked at her.

 

“Cat, don’t you understand? If he finds out, he’s gonna leave me.”

 

For a moment she was sure that she had misheard, but a glance at his eyes told her that Nick indeed thought that Gil was going to leave him once he knew about the abuse he had endured while still a child. She wanted to say something, wanted to talk to him, but before she could say anything, Warrick burst into the room.

 

“A woman just announced her kid missing, it matches the description. She’s coming in now to see her.”

 

A shiver went through Catherine at the thought of a mother having to see her daughter in such a way. She couldn’t imagine anything ever happening to Lindsey and just the idea that this could... She closed her eyes and pushed the thought away far away in that corner of her mind where her nightmares hid during the day. Looking at Warrick, she saw the strain in his eyes and realized that he wouldn’t be able to deal with the woman.

 

“I will accompany her.”

 

She left, but at the door sent another look towards Nick, a look that said everything.

 

‘We’re not done yet.’

 

---

 

Nick inwardly sighed as Catherine left, why did she have to bring this up now? Couldn’t she see that he was on the brink anyways? The picture of the dead boy appeared in front of his eyes as soon as he closed them, mixed with the memories of...

 

Darkness threatened him as memories and images rose and he shivered violently. Not now, he pleaded with his mind, please not now, I can’t face those images now. Silently he focused on Gil and those few days they had spent together, tried to conjure the ice cave before his eyes and slowly felt his body relax and his breathing calm down. Finally able to work again, he pushed any thoughts on himself away and concentrated on the job. Warrick was still in the room and together with his friend, Nick started to examine the clothing.

 

They found various fibres and DNA, again despair threatened to overwhelm Nick as he realized how most of this DNA had ended up on the boy’s body. He locked his eyes with Warrick and saw the same horror reflected back in the green eyes of his friend. None of the DNA from the first body had shown up in any database and even though they all were working hard, they still had nothing, no suspect or even a hint who could have done this.

 

“It makes me sick”

 

Nick saw that Warrick’s face was pale under the dark skin and that his friend was having a hard time concealing how much this case affected him. For a moment he wondered if he should be honest and tell Warrick how much it affected him too, but realized again that he couldn’t talk about it now and so he just nodded. His friend though picked up on his mood and looked at him closely.

 

“You ok man?”

 

Once again he nodded and waited with apprehension for Warrick to ask again, but as if the other man had realized that every question was likely to break Nick, he was silent, just looked at him concerned until Nick finally broke.

 

“Time to go flying”

 

Warrick nodded and briefly leaned over the table and squeezed his hand, he didn’t say anything and Nick was grateful for it. They continued in silence, engrossed in their work when Sara burst into the room.

 

“She is the mother.”

 

Nick saw that she was swaying between excitement and anger, excitement that maybe they had finally caught a break and anger at a woman who had not reported her daughter missing. A mother who had waited long enough for the young girl to endure such terrible abuse, yet even as he thought so, Nick shook his head. Don’t assume, he silently told himself, you don’t know why she didn’t report it.

 

They followed Sara through the lab to the room where they could observe the interview. Nick’s heart clenched at the sight of the woman sitting in the room with Grissom and Vega, she was visibly distraught and having a hard time to speak in between sobs.

 

“I have to ask you this, Mrs. Handing, I am sorry, but how come you only noticed now that your daughter was missing?”

 

Nick exchanged looks with Sara and Warrick at the friendly and yet slightly accusatory question. The mother however just shook her head and shivered.

 

“I was in New York for work, it’s not the first time that I had to go and my sister always looked after Vanessa. She likes it, living in our house for a while and Vanessa loves her aunt. I was only gone for four days...”

 

Nick took a closer look at the woman and now he could see it, could see the high class business suit, the well-manicured nails, the careful make-up... As if she had felt his look, she fingered her suit before she sobbed again.

 

“You said that your sister came over to your house to look after Vanessa. Why is that?”

 

Mrs. Handing shrugged, then shook her head.

 

“I don’t want Vanessa to... oh my god...”

 

She broke down once again and Vega gestured for a glass of water to be brought to her.

 

Nick just watched her and tried to tune out the nagging voice in his head, it was a familiar voice and what it told him was just as familiar and yet with the memory of Gil’s love he managed to silence it almost...

 

He almost didn’t listen when it told him that no one would break down, were he the victim.

 

----

 

It was hard to watch the woman break down, but Sara forced herself not to turn away. She needed to see this and at the end of the shift when she was tired and longed to go home, she would remember the crying woman and her desperation at seeing her daughter like this.

 

“What didn’t you Vanessa want to do?”

 

Grissom’s voice was friendly and yet he still managed to keep a certain detachment in his words that enabled the distraught woman to find her composure and speak on.

 

“I didn’t want her to go over and stay at my sister’s house. Her husband can be violent and I don’t...didn’t want Vanessa to be...”

 

Sara saw Vega exchange a look with Grissom, before he put a picture of the dead boy in front of her eyes, she took one look and stared at the two men and Sara felt a shiver running down her spine.

 

“Patrick”

 

Vega’s voice was soft and yet urgent.

 

“Do you recognize the boy?”

 

Vanessa’s mother nodded and then silently as if she couldn’t believe it herself explained.

 

“He’s my sister’s stepson.”

 

This time Sara actually trembled and didn’t listen to the interview anymore while she forced herself to calm down and push those dark emotions away. She had never dealt with any of those emotions and she surely wouldn’t start now. A familiar name brought her attention back to the interview and as Grissom repeated the address where Vanessa’s aunt lived Sara felt Nick tense next to her and exchanged a look with him. The address was only a few blocks away from where they had found the girl.

 

“Do you think what I think?”

 

Warrick’s voice was tight and barely controlled. Sara could understand him, but before she agreed with him or even gave an answer the CSI in her came back and she answered quickly, curtly.

 

“Wait for the evidence”

 

It earned her a glare from her colleagues, but at the same time, they probably had expected her to react like this. Just then Catherine came into the room.

 

“Vega is getting the warrant, we meet him there.”

 

Sara nodded and together with the other four they drove to the house of Vanessa’s aunt. Something inside her screamed to run away and hide, but she knew that they all felt like this and as she looked at Catherine who drove their car, she suddenly heard herself do something she hadn’t done in ages, she heard herself ask for help.

 

“When this is over, will you have time for a coffee?”

 

Sara felt herself blush, when Catherine looked at her confused and surprised. Inwardly she steeled herself for rejection when her colleague suddenly smiled.

 

“Sure, just let me know.”

 

Asking for help was never easy for her, but she was getting better and as Catherine once again smiled, Sara realized that the reward was worth the fear of rejection.

 

---

 

Vanessa’s aunt lived in a good neighbourhood and for a while Warrick just stared at the white picket fence, the American flag and the groomed lawn.

 

“Picture perfect”

 

Nick’s dark voice was hard and he looked at his friend questioningly. The Texan only shrugged, and then as he followed him into the garden and towards the door, he pointed at their surroundings.

 

“I grew up in a neighbourhood like this, you know... picture perfect... and no one cares to look deeper, no matter how loud the screams are or how dark the bruises... If you have your picket fence, your flag and your bible, you can’t do wrong.”

 

There was much bitterness in those words and Warrick remembered their talk about Nick’s coming out, he remembered that Nick had spoken about some of his siblings still not speaking to him and with a suddenly heavy heart he wondered what else had happened during Nick’s childhood that would make him say something like this.

 

“Mr. Petersen, Detective Vega from LVPD, and this is Gil Grissom from the crime lab with his team. We have a warrant to search your premises, would you and your family please step out and wait while we’re proceed?”

 

Petersen was a tall blond man, good looking in many ways and yet there was something cold, something reckless about him that made Warrick shiver He saw how the man looked at Grissom and then without moving an inch rudely questioned his boss.

 

“On what grounds is this warrant? Don’t you have better things to do?”

 

Warrick saw how Grissom straightened and looked at the suspect with that air that had him looking down at the other man despite being smaller than him.

 

“Your son and your niece have been murdered, they endured hours of terrible abuse, and now let me ask you this, do you think we have better things to do?”

 

Petersen glared at Grissom but stepped aside without saying anything instead calling for his wife and kids. Warrick noticed that there was anger and something akin to hatred in the suspect’s behaviour, but even more struck him that the other man had not once commented on the fact that his kid and his niece had been killed.

 

---

 

Gil watched as two officers lead Mr. Petersen and two other men away, he had to force himself to remain calm and not give into the urge to run to the bathroom and vomit. He felt dirty from just sitting in the same room as those men.

 

Petersen’s casual words still rang in his ears.

 

‘How am I supposed to know what that brat is doing all the time?’

 

None of the men had confessed to being part of the abuse and the murder of two kids, but they had been able to match the DNA from the bodies to them and in Petersen’s house they had found enough evidence to convict them even without a confession.

 

Vanessa and Patrick had been avenged and yet he didn’t feel any better than before, there was no satisfaction in the knowledge that their killers were behind bars, no cause for celebration because no matter what, those two kids were dead, had died a terrible death and wouldn’t come back.

 

“Grissom, can we speak quickly?”

 

Brass stood in the door and hovered at the entrance. Gil wasn’t in the mood for a chat with anyone, but after a short look at the clock he shrugged and waived him in. He watched the other man close the door and draw the blinds closing them off from prying eyes.

 

“What is this about?”

 

Jim’s eyes were somehow unfocused and for a moment, Gil wasn’t sure if the other man had been drinking or not, however knowing about Jersey he pushed the thought away immediately and when Brass started to speak, he understood the hesitance.

 

“Warrick told me that there have been some uncomfortable encounters for him and the rest of the team after Ecklie busted the two cops that tried to set up Nick.”

 

Brass trailed off and Gil waited for a while until the Captain once again found his words and continued.

 

“I just wanted to assure you that I’ve talked to several detectives and will make sure that none of those that didn’t express loyalty towards you and Nick will ever work with you or your team. Just thought that it’s better you hear it from me... I’m not doing this to hold you back or anything, no matter what you might hear....”

 

He could easily hear the underlying anger in Brass’ voice, see it in the Captain’s eyes, but what surprised him was the hidden pain. For a second he wondered if he should say anything, but knowing Jim the way he did, Grissom knew that the cop would not appreciate the question. Instead so he told Brass another truth.

 

“I’m scared Jim, I’m scared that something could happen to him while I’m not there.”

 

Again, Brass’ eyes showed that pain for a second, but again it was gone before Gil could comment on it. The captain was silent, seemed deep in thought, almost as if he was considering something, finally though he looked up and there was a determined look in his face.

 

“Fromansky and the rest won’t act against you. They have been warned.”

 

Grissom knew that it was all that Brass could give him and with as shrug he looked at his friend. The silence stretched between them until Brass looked up again.

 

“Believe me Grissom, I don’t like it either. But it’s all I can do.”

 

“Thanks Jim, it’s more than I could ask for.”

 

Gil smiled and looked at the watch. The end of their shift couldn’t have come at a better time and getting up he shut his computer down and left the office. Brass smiled as he followed him outside and saw Nick standing there. He waved at the younger CSI and said good-bye to Grissom.

 

Gil on the other hand walked towards Nick leaning against the car and for a second was stunned by the beauty of his lover. Nick’s hair shone in the morning sun and his body looked lean and fit, it was only when Gil came closer that he noted the unnatural paleness of his lover and like a fist in his stomach their latest case came crashing back into his mind.

 

He had managed to forget it for an entire quarter hour, but one look at Nick and all the pain and anger were back. And once again Gil was glad that Nick was in his life.

 

He had seen hell today, but Nick had been there with him and for once Gil wouldn’t be left alone to deal with the aftermath.

 

---

 

‘Fromansky and the rest won’t act against you. They have been warned.’

 

Jim knew that Gil had no idea what he had said with those short words and somehow he, himself, still had a hard time understanding the truth behind it. And yet he knew that they were true, had heard those words himself this morning and they had shaken him to the core.

 

Conrad had been silent after his confession, but Jim had felt the tension in the lean body against his and when he hadn’t spoken for too long the tension had shifted into silent tremors.

 

‘I’ve lost you, haven’t I?’

 

The words had been silent, calm and if Jim hadn’t been so close to Conrad he would have believed the lie, the mask. But the body next to him had betrayed his lover and so Jim had turned around and finally found his voice again.

 

‘No, you haven’t’

 

They had been silent for a long time, the unspoken words stretching between them until Jim had not been able to stand the tension anymore.

 

‘Why did you do it?’

 

Instead of an answer, he had been drawn against Conrad’s body, the taller man blanketing him with strength and tenderness. Clear eyes had met his, eyes so full of emotions that it had taken his breath away and when Conrad had softly run a hand over his injured shoulder, Jim had finally understood.

 

‘You could have died.’

 

It hadn’t been an answer he’d expected and yet Jim had known that it was the truth. He hadn’t answered, just moved closer against the other man, his lover enjoying the feeling of safety and love.

 

There was still much about Conrad he didn’t know. Jim thought about that simple fact as he walked away from Grissom’s office and over towards the other supervisor’s place. For a moment he just stood in the door watching the man who had turned his world up side down last night. He knew that he wouldn’t remain unnoticed for much longer and true to this, his lover looked up and for a moment a brilliant smile crossed over his face, before the usual mask fell in place again.

 

“Captain Brass, what can I do for you?”

 

Jim walked into the office completely, closed the door behind him and looking at the other man he smirked lightly before he leaned over the desk.

 

“Now or later?”

 

The blush in Conrad’s face surprised him, but the supervisor recovered fast and his voice was almost steady as he answered ‘now’. Jim took the hint and for the next half hour the two men talked about nothing but business. It wasn’t until Brass got up to leave, that Ecklie’s hand reached out and stopped him.

 

“You’re around later?”

 

Jim smiled at the casual question, but the burning passion in the other man’s eyes made him shiver as he nodded.

 

“Good, so maybe we can catch a drink together before going home.”

 

He knew it was dangerous, but he couldn’t help teasing.

 

“Just a drink?”

 

Conrad’s eyes seemed to burn with an even stronger passion as he looked at Jim, then slowly let his gaze wander over the Captain’s body in an almost tangible caress. Finally his eyes stopped at Jim’s groin for a tiny little moment, before he looked up again and smiled.

 

“Well, and a snack maybe...”

 

The thought alone made Jim groan and as he left the office the carefree laughter from Conrad Ecklie’s office had the lab techs turn around surprised and shocked.

 

---

 

*Chapter 10*

 

It was so dark, no light came through the windows and Nick shivered as he drew the blanket closer around his body. He squinted into the darkness and promised himself not to cry. He was a big boy, his mom had told him so... but Tanja had turned out the light in the corridor and now he was alone in the room... he looked over to the far wall, something had moved there and his lips quivered.

 

“Who is there?”

 

The shadows moved again and Nick remembered the monsters he had seen in the movies his bothers had watched and he had sneaked a peek. Eyes fixed on the shadow monster; he clutched his pet rabbit close to him and tried to lie as flat in the bed as possible, maybe if he was completely quiet then the monster would not see him...

 

It came nearer and Nick shrunk back, he trembled but still did not cry or call Tanja. What had she said?

 

‘You’re a good boy Nicky, a handsome good boy.’

 

He didn’t want her to be angry, so he stayed still even as the monster loomed over him and tore his blanket away. Nick stared at the dark monster snarling viciously and clutched at his pet, his body shivering as the face drew closer.

 

Hands were on him, touching him and even though he told himself that he was a big boy, and he would not cry, when they tore his rabbit away, he screamed.

 

---

 

Gil couldn’t sleep, his sleep had been restless and disturbed by nightmares and after trying to find peace he had finally given up. He lay on his side watching his lover, letting the beloved features soothe his soul.

 

Tenderly he caressed the peaceful face, only to have Nick shiver and move away. The movement didn’t concern him, but the shiver and the emotions that suddenly ran over his lover’s face did. Nick’s face was twisted in fear, no terror and suddenly Nick’s body went rigid as if he were fighting against something. Gently, Gil reached out again, this time calling Nick’s name in addition. It didn’t help though and as he touched his lover’s arm, Nick screamed.

 

Gil’s heart threatened to stop at the heartbreaking scream, a scream full of terror and anguish and the pained expression in the beloved face.

 

Frantic now, he called Nick’s name and tried to wake his lover.

 

“Nick, Nicky please wake up...”

 

He shivered when his lover twisted away from him again. What was happening to Nick, what horrors did the other man experience in his dreams?

 

“Nick, I’m here... please... please wake up.”

 

He felt helpless and hated the feeling, but he had never dealt with something like this and the knowledge of his inexperience made him feel even more impotent. Finally though, Nick’s sobs stopped and he jerked up from his sleeping position. Shivering frantically, he looked around with wide, terrified eyes and Gil realized with an answering shiver, that Nick was still caught in the hell of his dream.

 

His lover looked at him with eyes that didn’t see him and silently praying that he did the right thing; Gil grabbed the blanket and softly, gently draped it around Nick’s trembling body.

 

“Everything is alright Nicky, I am here... I am here...”

 

It was the right thing and Gil breathed a relieved sight, when he felt his lover relax under his hands. Slowly, gently he started kneading the tense muscles and with a sigh, Nick leaned back against him and turned around.

 

His eyes were clear now, none of the horrors were visible anymore and with a soft smile, Gil leaned over and caressed Nick’s face.

 

“Everything is alright, love... I am with you, I’ve got you.”

 

Nick was completely relaxed, and his body melded itself perfectly against Gil’s. He still was trembling lightly and Gil just held him, caressing him slowly with soothing movements, he didn’t know if he should say anything, but some gut feeling told him to just wait for Nick to speak.

 

“Sorry that I woke you up”

 

His lover’s voice was timid and that wasn’t something that Gil was used to in connection with Nick, neither was the fact that Nick shied away from his eyes, hiding his face against his chest.

 

“I wasn’t asleep”

 

Yet his words didn’t seem to have any effect on Nick and slowly, Gil’s concern grew and a cold weight began to settle in his stomach.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

As soon as he had said those words, Nick tensed against him and silently Gil cursed himself. He should have remained silent, should have known that he didn’t understand the concept of a true relationship... His silent arguing came to a halt, when he felt Nick’s eyes on him.

 

“It was just a nightmare.”

 

Something was wrong and that something made the hairs on Gil’s neck stand up. The words had sounded dismissive, but the voice had been too flat and Nick’s eyes held fear and sadness, but underneath it all there was another emotion one that first confused Gil, then though alerted him.

 

It was shame that he saw in those dark eyes.

 

Gently, yet trembling inside he reached out and caressed his lover’s face gently. He wouldn’t have noticed the flinch, had he not been looking for it specifically. But as it was he saw it and slowly dread began to settle in his heart.

 

“Was it yesterday’s case?”

 

Nick tensed in his arms, and Gil could literally see how he forced himself to relax in his arms, how Nick tried to appear uninvolved.

 

“No... or yes...”

 

He could feel the frustration mounting in Nick and dreaded the explosion that would come with it. Gil wanted to say something, but again his heart told him to be silent and once again he listened to it.

 

“It woke some memories...”

 

He had dreaded those words, but nothing could have prepared him for the impact when he heard them. Still a tiny part of him hoped that he was wrong, that Nick was talking about another case, something he’d seen in Dallas, but...

 

“I was nine and she was a last minute babysitter...”

 

No...

 

Gil felt everything in his body scream in denial as he listened to the flat, fast words. No, this could not have happened to his Nick. He wanted to crush his lover against his body and fought against the stupid urge of protecting Nick with his body. It was too late now and yet he felt the need in every fibre. Then another terrifying thought hit him and he tensed, he was a criminal investigator, how had he not seen it?

 

His mind showed him snippets of their time together, moments where Nick had said something, things that should have triggered an alarm. Nick’s words to Warrick that he was not worth fighting for, Nick’s remarks about him not being good enough for Gil... Gil shook inwardly with tears when all those things finally fell in place and he realized that he had been as blind as those parents that he had cursed so many times.

 

He had had the evidence right in front of him, but had not seen the truth.

 

He knew he was tense and trembling at the same time and immediately felt Nick responding to his movement as his lover started to withdraw from his arms.

 

“Let me go”

 

Gil stared at Nick confused for a second, but as he saw the fear of rejection in his eyes, he understood and without a word drew the younger man closer. Softly leaning in, he kissed Nick’s forehead, his eyes and finally the tender skin right below his ear. Nick shivered, but it wasn’t passion more a violent release of tension and feeling him relax again, Gil whispered words of love and devotion in Nick’s ear.

 

“I am not letting you go Nick, never will. You are so beautiful inside and outside, I love you Nick.”

 

He felt the shivers that racked through Nick’s slender form and had to hold his own tears back as desperate sobs shook the body in is arms, sobs that tore at his heart. Minutes seemingly turned into hours as Gil sat and held Nick, held him and let him cry, offered the safety of his body as Nick finally let all those tears fall and with them let go of the shame that had plagued him for so long.

 

“I love you, I won’t leave you.”

 

Gil’s fingers threaded through Nick’s hair as he continued to murmur in his lover’s ear.

 

“You are so precious, and I feel so blessed that you love me.”

 

Nick’s body still shook in his arms, but the eyes that met his were free of tears and the only emotion that Gil could see was love. Tentatively, almost shyly, Nick reached out and caressed his face. Gil couldn’t help but lean into the soft caress.

 

“Make love to me”

 

---

 

“Make love to me”

 

Nick felt Gil’s body tense at his words and cursed himself. He should have known, should have known that no matter how much Gil loved him, this was too much for the other man to accept. Despite all the words, he’d spoken only moments ago, it was clear to him that Gil didn’t want him anymore.

 

Shivering already with loss and coldness from the thought of being alone again, he tried to withdraw from Gil’s arms only to find them closing around him more tightly.

 

“I told you before Nick, I won’t let you go”

 

Soft words, soft and gentle and they made him look up and meet Gil’s eyes. Nick shivered at the love he saw there, a love so strong and passionate that it made glitter like sapphires.

 

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

 

Growling lightly, he looked at his lover hating the reaction and yet some part of his heart cherished the fact that Gil cared this much. He fought with himself, but finally his love won and caressing the arms that still held him close, he tried to explain Gil that he could never hurt him.

 

“I love you and I love making love with you. Gosh, Gil I mean sex with you is so incredible, so... so much more than sex and it’s…”

 

He hated it, when his voice trailed off, but this time Gil didn’t tense, just kept on touching him gently.

 

“It’s what I need right now.”

 

Nick had barely said the last word, when Gil’s lips covered his, cutting off any words he’d wanted to say, savouring, arousing and thoroughly mapping out Nick’s mouth. He had never shared kisses like this with anybody, never had experienced this complete balance of giving and taking and with a moan, Nick moved closer to his lover, feeling his own need push against Gil’s causing yet another moan.

 

They undressed fast, getting rid of two boxer shorts didn’t take that much time after all and Nick was frantic to feel Gil all around him, covering him with his body, loving him, making him whole again. He needed this joining to be passionate and shivered with impatience, when Gil instead mapped his body with tender kisses and soft touches.

 

“Gil, don’t treat me like I’m going to break. I am not fragile.”

 

He’d said it with more force than necessary and immediately regretted it, when Gil tensed. For a moment a harsh silence was in the room, but then Nick’s eyes met Gil and he almost jerked back at the pain in the blue eyes.

 

“No Nick, you’re not but I am.”

 

The honest admission made him look at his lover more closely and he saw the deep lines of exhaustion and pain around his eyes, suddenly remembered how Gil always took cases with kids the hardest, how those cases were the only ones where Gil lost his detachment. Remorse crept up, but as if his lover had read his thoughts, Gil smiled and shook his head.

 

“Don’t apologize now, just let me love you like I need. You might want passion, but I need tenderness, I need to touch you. I have to make sure that you are here, that you are with me...”

 

Before Gil could finish, Nick had lifted his head and kissed him tenderly. He caressed the lines in Gil’s face with his lips and fingers, almost feeling as they flattened the more relaxed Gil got. Looking at his beloved Nick leaned back in the bed and gave himself over to Gil. He almost felt the blue eyes on his body and realized that never in his adult life had he felt so totally naked and exposed and yet so completely safe. Their eyes met and without words he gave Gil permission once again, feeling elated by just seeing the light reappear in the beloved blue eyes.

 

Soft kisses, tender touches just strong enough to be there and yet almost not, Gil mapped Nick’s body with the intensity he usually used for crime scenes. Nick shivered with desire before his lover had even reached his nipples and his moans sounded through the room.

 

"I never planned to fall in love Nick, never thought it would ever happen... never wanted it to happen. But then, when I watched you in the lab all days... and... today I found out what happened to you."

 

He met Gil’s eyes again and in a moment of complete clarity, Nick realized that Gil hurt for him not out of pity or some bad feeling, no Gil hurt because he loved him. Slowly he lifted Gil's hand and kissed every line.

 

"I love you."

 

Gil’s words chased away the last remnants of the fear, the last memories of the nightmare and Nick felt the warmth of love and desire seep through his bones. Felt the healing process that had started ages ago, finally complete, finally come to an end.

 

"I love you"

 

Nick's voice was husky and his eyes were heavy with desire as Gil’s touches started again. He could feel that his face was flushed, his hair was mussed and he looked like passion impersonated.

 

“You taught me so much, Nick… Not sex, but love... making love... having a relationship. I've had sex with men, but it was always quick and rough. I... I never cared about them; I never wanted to make them feel so much... It was always about me..."

 

Gil had never spoken about those things and Nick’s heart swelled as he understood how much just admitting them still cost his lover. He hadn't thought he could feel more love for Gil, but at the other man's statement he shivered and impulsively combed his fingers through the greying hair, kissing him full of love.

 

“Let me finish”

 

There was a smile in Gil’s complaint and Nick’s answering laughter echoed through the room, leaning back again he spread his arms open.

 

“I am all yours”

 

 

Gil’s hands began again to slide over his body and yet this time his eyes stayed locked with Nick’s until he couldn't hold them anymore and closed them. His breath hitched as Gil touched his tights and he felt his body tremble as the soft touches got closer and closer to the centre of his desire.

 

“Gil”

 

Nick had barely found the consciousness to speak, but he didn’t want to come like this, didn’t want to be the sole recipient. He wanted it to be completely mutual and with one last loving caress to Gil’s face, he moved on the bed, so that instead of facing Gil’s head, he was facing... well Gil’s other head.

 

Strong hands touched soft flesh, soft lips bringing fire and love with them as the two lovers worked in tandem, discovered angles and muscles. Deep moans sounded through the room, love words whispered with hoarse voices, harsh breaths accelerating with the growing passion and finally a strangled cry as love and passion mingled and Nick lost himself and his control in the love and heat that Gil had created just for him.

 

Trembling hands reached out to steady Gil, seeking to return the incredible feelings, ensuring that their passion and love was indeed a shared one, blue eyes glazing over as Gil gave himself over to love and passion and for the second time a cry sounded through the room as Gil gave into his feelings and came...

 

---

 

“Are you sorry that you fell in love?”

 

Gil was relieved that Nick didn’t tense at all while he asked the question. For a moment he contemplated it, thought about all the changes that had happened since he had met Nick all those years ago, about the changes that had happened since he had admitted his love, since they had become an ‘us’.

 

“No”

 

Their bodies were relaxed; their breathing soft and quiet in the room, the scent of sex still hang in the air mingling with the sunlight that filtered through the blinds... Gil looked at the man next to him, saw the beautiful eyes, the sculpted body, the angular face and yet he didn’t notice it anymore... when he looked at Nick now, he saw the heart which was too large for such a slender person, he saw the brain that was hidden behind the chocolate eyes, saw the love that was expressed in every movement and drawing his lover closer to him, he softly kissed Nick.

 

“When I fell in love with you, I got something, I never knew I wanted, I never longed for and yet, I’ve been searching for. I got a partner, a friend, a lover...”

 

Nick’s eyes were on him now, dark and full of love.

 

“... someone I trust completely with everything I am.”

 

Nick’s hand reached out and he intertwined their fingers as he closed his eyes and lay down.

 

“You got me, Gil, you got me forever.”

 

Feeling his lover’s breathing even out and slow down, Gil caressed Nick’s face once more, before he too felt sleep taking him to the land of dreams.

 

---

 

*Epilogue*

 

Warrick grinned as he saw Catherine and Sara chat together and giggle like school girls. He had certainly never thought that he would ever see Sara Sidle giggle... But hey, it made great black mail material.

 

“See you girls”

 

They just waved at his shout and with a grin still on his face, he drove over to the diner where he was supposed to meet Nick for their weekly breakfast fast-food. Nick had never told him, why he’d acted so weird during the kids’ case, but some carefully chosen words from Catherine had clued him in to a certain degree. He had been prepared to help his friend out, to get him through whatever, but soon had found out that this particular demon had been battled by Grissom.

 

And if the grinning and happy Nick who sat opposite him right now, was an indication, then Grissom had done a damn good job. A grin crossed his face as he thought about asking...

 

“What are you smirking at?”

 

Warrick’s grin only got bigger as he answered.

 

“Just wondered if I should ask Grissom about his technique to calm you down.”

 

Nick looked horrified, then blushed and finally busied himself with his food until Warrick laughed loudly and Nick couldn’t help but join.

 

“You’re an idiot sometimes, really...”

 

Warrick grinned and nodded. He didn’t care if he was an idiot as long as Nick was laughing and happy and as long as their friendship was still as strong, he was fine.

 

---

 

“Never knew that Ecklie and Brass get along so well.”

 

Catherine turned around and looked into the direction where Sara pointed. The two men walking over and into the building were talking animatedly, but from the looks on their faces it wasn’t an argument, more something like a heated discussion. Looking back at Sara, she shrugged.

 

“Guess they bonded over the shooting and the investigation that Ecklie performed after wards.”

 

Sara nodded and got into the car. She needed to buy some groceries as Catherine had promised to come round with Lindsey later and she’d promised the other woman to cook her meatless Thai Curry.

 

Thinking about the stuff she needed to buy, Sara left the parking lot already having forgotten about Ecklie and Brass.

 

---

 

“We have to be more careful.”

 

Jim looked at Conrad in surprise, the CSI’s eyes were following Sidle’s car as she drove off. Had he missed something?

 

“What you mean?”

 

His lover... Jim’s mind stopped at that thought for a moment, still not really believing that Conrad really was his lover... His lover looked at him with concern and something akin to fear.

 

“No one can find out, if they do you won’t be safe.”

 

There it was again, the naked fear mingled with an equally deep love and silently wishing for a sheltered spot, to soothe his lover, he looked at the other man trying to convey all the love he felt through this one look. It was only when Conrad relaxed that he knew he had succeeded.

 

“I’ll be careful, don’t worry.”

 

They parted ways in the hall and Jim stopped for a moment to watch his lover scare Hodges and Greg in the break room. Ecklie on the job was still an idiot, but at home with him...

 

At home he wasn’t Ecklie, but Conrad.

 

---

 

“How do you like your tea?”

 

Lady Heather’s eyes were warm as she looked at him. Gil smiled as he savoured the special blend that some customer had brought her from a trip.

 

“It is very good, but I would never expect anything less from you.”

 

For a while they enjoyed the tea in silence until Gil smiled again.

 

“You know I never realized that a relationship is hard work.”

 

Intelligent eyes looked at him as Lady Heather sipped more of his tea, before she nodded.

 

“It is Gil, especially for someone like you, someone whose entire life is based on finding the evidence with your eyes and brain.”

 

It was a surprising statement and Gil knew that his confusion showed in his face, as Lady Heather laughed.

 

“It’s different when it comes to love, isn’t it. Eyes, brain, mind, common sense don’t help you when Nick is concerned. Because if love is involved there’s only one way to see and it’s with your heart.”

 

He knew that line, had read it long ago and wondered why everyone was making such a fuss about the book and yet now, sitting in the sun light patio, drinking tea with Lady Heather, now Gil understood and he answered her words with the real words of the little prince.

 

“Ce qu’avec la Coeur qu’on voit bien.”

 

 

 

THE END