The concept and the people in the story are fictional and the property of several production companies. I only borrow them and return them unharmed and unmarked. No money is made of the story and no infringement is meant.

 

 

In Joy and Sorrow

 

By Valerie

 

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms

In world so hollow

It is breaking my heart

In joy and sorrow my home's in your arms

In world so hollow

It is breaking my heart

(HIM)

 

*Prologue*

 

Nick silently steeled himself before he knocked at Ecklie's door. The dayshift supervisor had helped him more than he would ever have believed possible during the threat from Lower, then as if this case had never happened he had gone back to his snarky and impossible self. It was two months since Lower's plan had almost gotten him killed and Nick still hadn't had a chance to talk to Ecklie and if he was honest, then it was because most of the time he wanted to kill the older man as soon as he saw him.

 

The one thing Ecklie had promised him when they had talked just a day after Lower's sister had broken down and handed Nick the gun, had been that no matter what happened; he wouldn't change the arrangement Gil had worked out with the sheriff.

 

Now Nick sighed lightly, Ecklie had promised and he had kept his promise. Nothing more, nothing less... Still he couldn't forget the haunted look on the older man's face right before he had left their table that morning, couldn't forget the pain he had seen in the hard eyes.

 

It were those memories that made him stand in front of the supervisor's door right now because although the case itself didn't trouble him anymore, the sight of those eyes still sometimes followed him into his dreams.

 

"Stokes, what do you want?"

 

Unable to repress a grin, Nick was close to say something like 'a nice day to you too', but knowing better he sat down in the visitor's chair and after thinking for a moment finally started to speak.

 

"I wanted to talk to you about what you did during the Lower case; you know taking the gun and everything."

 

Right after he had said those words, he could once again see the very same emotions the sudden pain and slight fear before the mask once again descended over Ecklie's face and a sneer replaced the concern.

 

"I told you before already that I don't want to talk about it, can't you get your head around it?"

 

He was tempted to let it go, but the fear and pain he had seen, had been real and Nick wasn't someone to let go when he knew someone was hurting, especially if he thought he was the reason for it.

 

"It hurt you"

 

The words were out before he had time to consider them and immediately he held his breath at Ecklie's reaction. The older man just looked at him and tentatively Nick continued.

 

"What you had to do, getting the rifle, possibly shooting the woman. It hurt you somehow, you didn't have to do this, and no one expected this from you."

 

For a second Ecklie looked down at the table and when he met Nick's eyes again the sneer was gone, replaced by a light smile that reached his eyes. It wasn't a smile of happiness more something like sad acceptance, although acceptance of what, Nick didn't understand.

 

"Have you ever killed a person, Nick?"

 

Nick was too surprised by Ecklie's use of his first name to hear the question, and then when it filtered through his brain, he shook his head.

 

"It doesn't matter if you kill a killer or an innocent, Nick, it doesn't matter if you shoot in self defence or to defend someone else, it always hurts if you have to kill."

 

From what Nick knew, Ecklie had never shot anyone on the job, but the pain in his words spoke of a deep understanding, an understanding that came from experience not text book. It made him curious about whom Ecklie was, who the real person behind the arrogant mask was. Yet before he could say anything or ask anything else, Ecklie spoke again.

 

"You're right; I didn't have to do it. It certainly isn't in my job description, but someone once told me that I had been given a talent and if I threw that away, if I refused to use it to protect people, I would be just as guilty as the one who pulled the trigger."

 

There was nothing Nick could say to this statement and for a long time they both were silent. Then Ecklie looked up again, the sneer was back in place and he looked at his watch.

 

"Wasted my time enough, Stokes?"

 

The change was so drastic, that Nick didn't even realize he had gotten up and left until he was standing outside the room. Looking back at the closed door he wondered what had just happened.

 

The beep of his pager brought him back and while he made his way over to Greg, he focussed on the case pushing any thoughts about Ecklie and his weird behaviour from his mind.

 

---

 

*Chapter 1*

 

For a moment Gil just sat in his car, he needed a second to breathe, to relax. The case had caused him more stress than he would ever admit and the undisguised hatred from the police officer they had just questioned had surprised and scared him. And that too he would never admit. The knock on his window surprised him, but he managed to keep his calm mask on as he opened and looked at Officer Formansky.

 

"You are part of an ongoing investigation, I can't talk to you."

 

Again he saw the hatred in the other man's blue eyes and forced himself not to react.

 

"I don't want to talk about the case, Mr. Grissom."

 

There was contempt now in Officer Fromansky's voice, contempt and disgust something he had not shown before in Brass' office.

 

"I just want you to think about something."

 

He made a rhetorical stop and then with a cold and calculated gleam in his eyes he continued slowly.

 

"Think about how often you need us to clear a scene, think about how often you have to call us for back up and then wonder what happens if we all are somehow occupied elsewhere."

 

Again he stopped and Gil, having the feeling that he wasn't done yet, didn't answer. He was right and soon enough the cold voice continued.

 

"Think about what could happen if we overlooked something while clearing a scene, small mistakes can happen all the time."

 

Grissom saw the triumphant smile in the other man's face but he wasn't fazed himself and so his voice was just as cold, just as hard yet without the underlying emotions of hate as he answered.

 

"It this how you do your job?"

 

The grey haired man looked at him once again with undisguised contempt, before he leaned in almost crowding Grissom through the window.

 

"Think about it Mr. Grissom and then think about what could happen to your lover."

 

The way he spoke the last word showed all the disgust he felt at the thought of two men loving each other, but Grissom didn't notice, he was frozen as the real threat the other man had uttered finally trickled in.

 

He had made an enemy within the police corps and if he wasn't careful, Nick would have to pay for it. Shivering he thought about the past couple of months since their relationship had become public knowledge. They had never flaunted it, had never even kissed in the office, but of course bits and pieces of his talk with the sheriff and of the case with Lower had slipped through and since neither he nor Nick commented on any of the rumours they had grown a life of their own.

 

Gil drove slowly carefully, knowing that his focus wasn't as much on the street as it should be as he contemplated the spiteful words and the implicit threat in it.

 

Should he tell Nick about it?

 

Some part of him argued that it wasn't necessary, that it would only concern Nick, but another part of him remembered the discussion he had had with Nick when his lover had discovered his hearing problem.

 

'To be in a relationship, to be in love means more than fall in bed together, it means to share and to communicate.'

 

It had been their first real argument, the first time he had seen Nick upset about something he had done or caused and for the first time he had realized that he only because he had found Nick, it didn't mean that he couldn't lose him and that realization had hit him hard.

 

'To share and communicate'

 

The memory of his promise settled it, he would talk with Nick.

 

---

 

Nick smiled when he walked inside the house and smelled coffee; it seemed as if Gil had gotten to finish earlier than him. Since his lover had handed over his administrative duties he'd managed to get away from the office more and more and Nick had often come home to the smell of coffee and the sight of Gil sitting at the computer working on a new article.

 

He felt silly about it, but the first time he had seen an article published that he had proofread he had glowed with pride. Gil had just smiled at his embarrassment and kissed him long and deep. Then out of the blue his lover had asked him, if Nick had never thought about publishing something himself. Thinking back to that morning Nick grinned lightly.

 

"Me publishing? About what?"

 

Gil shrugged his shoulders, then he pointed towards the many ornithology books Nick had.

 

"Remember that case about the crow we found with an eye? Why don't you try and find out if there have been other cases like this, there could be a pattern, something we haven't seen because it was only one case."

 

He hadn't been convinced, but had contacted a few labs and now three months later, he was co-writing a paper about bird species that seemed to be attracted to blood and their influence on crime scenes. Shaking his head, Nick walked around the corner towards Gil's work room.

 

"Nick?"

 

It was only then, that he saw his lover sitting on the couch. Gil looked at him with a troubled look and immediately, Nick was concerned. He could feel that something had happened could see that his lover was disturbed by something. Sitting down gently, he caressed the tense shoulders and kissed the tender skin where his neck connected with his hair line.

 

"What's wrong love?"

 

Immediately the tension was back and Nick could almost feel Gil steeling himself before speaking, sighing lightly he kept his soothing motion up.

 

"I had a rather uncomfortable encounter with Officer Formansky after the interrogation."

 

Nick felt Gil's hand on his shoulders drawing him towards his lover and he let himself be tugged and held close, inside though he was tense himself. Gil hadn't acted this scared, this protective since the first days after the Lower case. Anxiety rose in him, but he didn't show any emotion, just listened.

 

"He told me to think about how often I would need him or a colleague to clear a scene, think about how often I would have to call them for back up and then wonder what happens if they all were somehow occupied elsewhere."

 

The anger and fury that rose at those words could not be masked and Nick jumped up.

 

"This asshole can't be serious, I mean fuck them, what a right did he have to threaten you?"

 

Gil just sat there and reached out for him, his eyes were still clouded, still scared and those emotions made Nick calm down and sit down again. This time though it was him who held Gil not the other way round.

 

"He said I should think about what could happen to me in such a case..."

 

Gil's voice trailed off with a tremble and Nick knew immediately what the police officer had said. There was only one thing that could bring this specific kind of trembling in Gris' voice. It was when a threat concerned him.

 

"... or my lover."

 

He could physically feel how Gil shut him out after that last comment, how his body tensed in his arms and refused to give into the soothing touches. Nick sighed softly; his lover had a tendency to feel responsible for everything especially when it concerned Nick. Caressing the grey hair, the soft skin he leaned in and kissed Gil's forehead, his eyes, his cheeks feeling how the muscles slowly relaxed and gave into the hold.

 

"Don't think about it now, you know that all the detectives we work with are behind us, you know that Jim has our backs. Hell, if he knew about this, Fromansky would be back on the streets distributing parking tickets."

 

His comment got a tired chuckle and Gil turned in his arms.

 

"Maybe we should have kept it a secret."

 

They had discussed this couple of times and as always Nick's answer was the same.

 

“How would we have done that? Did you want to lie to them and have them find out from Lower? Gil, we didn’t choose to come out, but we are and I am glad that we are.”

 

Nick knew that Gil was a more private person than him and that his lover felt bad about being in the focus of rumours and whispers behind his back. Tightening his hold on Gil, he smiled lightly, the rumours and whispers had always been there, Gil’s privacy and his aloofness had caused them more than any scandal would have been able to, but Nick knew too that now it was different, he knew that Gil’s fear was nothing but insecurity, insecurity if he, Nick would stay if things got rough...

 

“I won’t run at the first problem, Gil, I love you and I am here to stay.”

 

The tension in his lover’s body told him that he had been right with his assumption and once again he caressed the grey hair softly before murmuring.

 

“I have waited years for you; do you really think I would give you up again?”

 

Gently he disentangled himself and reaching out he led the older man towards the bedroom. Once there he turned around and hugged Gil tightly, possessively before capturing the soft lips with a hard kiss.

 

“I told you when we made love the first time. You are mine...”

 

Gil’s eyes were fixed on his hands as he slowly undressed and as always to be in the intense focus of Gil’s eyes was a huge turn on for Nick. He shivered as he felt the look like a tangible caress on his body, standing with his chest bare, he once again caressed Gil’s face only to find his hand captured and soft, yet passionate kisses rained on the palm. Gil’s eyes were burning as he looked up.

 

“I need you now Nick, he threatened you, I need to feel you.”

 

The words and the look alone would one day made him come, Nick was sure of that and somehow that knowledge wasn’t as embarrassing as he would have expected. Quickly he slipped out of his remaining clothes and lay down on the bed, his eyes feasting on Gil as the older man came closer.

 

“One day, I will pin you against the table in the trace lab...”

 

The comment came out of nowhere and went straight to his cock, Nick felt the ability of speech flee at the same moment as Grissom kissed him, their kiss was like always full of emotions but not too soft to be girly, Gil’s lips were soft but not weak, they were strong and didn’t yield easily sparking their passion even higher as they mock battled for dominance.

 

Nick felt the love that bound them in the kiss but suddenly he needed to see it in Gil’s eyes. He raised his hand and briefly touched his lover’s face tenderly. It was as if he was confirming this was not a dream before he moved in again.

 

The world seemed to simply fall away except for the two of them. The fear Gil had felt still had him in its grip and Nick felt it in the desperate way he clung to him, the frantic way Gil kissed him. It was as if Gil wanted to show Nick everything through that kiss. His heart his soul, everything that he was.

 

Nick felt as if his heart was a trapped bird fluttering against his chest, his thoughts spinning wildly. He softly ended the kiss and smiled as he heard the complaining moan from Gil.

 

“I am glad you waited for me.”

 

Gil’s lips slid across Nick’s jaw nipping, biting, kissing, and claiming his way down his neck to his collar bone. Nick gasped at the assault and his hips thrust forward to grind against his lover the words barely registering at first, then he chuckled.

 

“I had no chance but to wait. I never wanted to fall for you, but you were... are... just everything I want.”

 

"Oh God…Nick."

 

Gil breathed against his skin and Nick could feel him tremble. Slowly he pushed him back and then let his hands move along overheated skin, soft and tender first then with more and more power and heat.

 

“Gil”

 

Blue eyes met his at the silent whisper, eyes that were dancing with a mixture of love and lust.

 

"I feel like I am being consumed from the inside out, God Nick I've missed you…wanted you today so much."

 

The quiet admission made Nick tremble and he shivered even more as Gil started to reciprocate the touches and strokes, mapping his chest and his back as thoroughly as he would a crime scene.

 

"Gil…please…I need you…please."

 

Gil looked up at the passionate plea.

 

"Nick, you don’t have to beg you never have to ask."

 

Gil’s whisper made him moan as at the same time his lover’s hot mouth travelled down his chest, down his stomach leaving a trail of fire until he reached his destination. The feeling of Gil going down on him was something Nick knew that he would never get used to; he gasped and bucked his hips up off the bed as Gil’s lips closed around the head of his cock.

 

“Gil”

 

It wasn’t really a word more a sound and Nick moaned again as he thrust up into the heat, unable to control his movements. Gil was a pro in this and Nick had dreamed of this for so long, that even now after several months together it still was unbelievable.

 

“Promise me to be careful at the crime scenes.”

 

Gil whispered as he looked up and released him. Nick couldn’t help but smile at him as he felt all his feeling build up and bubble to surface.

 

“I will, I promise”

 

Then he couldn’t help himself and before he thought the words were out of his mouth.

 

"Odd request when someone has your dick in their mouth."

 

Gil grinned at the slight teasing and returned his attention to Nick’s cock. Nick still smiled at the comment, but the smile turned into a scream when Gil’s throat constricted around him. Oh God!

 

"Gil…please I'm not gonna last this way."

 

His lover hummed around his cock and Nick threw his head back as the heat and love exploded in multiple colours as he came.

 

Coming down from his high, he felt a slick finger sliding into his body and arched against the intruder trying to take it further. He felt sated and yet anxious to have Gil inside him but his muscles didn’t cooperate with his wishes and so he could only watch as his lover slicked his cock, shifted his position and then Gil’s eyes locked on him and Nick didn’t know that made his head spin more the passion in the blue eyes or the incredible feeling of becoming one with Gil.

 

Gil bit his bottom lip and began thrusting forward slightly…slowly. Nick could see that his lover wanted this to last but the frenzy that had captured him before got hold of him again and the pleasure began to overwhelm both of them. Gil moved and shifted Nick around, sliding even deeper in and Nick gasped at the connection that seemed to come alive as he felt Gil’s body cover him. His lover’s frenzy passed over to him and suddenly he was clutching, clawing, claiming, and trying to crawl under Gil’s skin.

 

Gil tensed and his entire body went rigid before he screamed his release and the heat deep inside his body pushed Nick over once again. He felt Gil move out, heard the rustle of tissues and then the soft caresses as he was cleaned. Felt Gil’s strong body next to his, but he was too exhausted to do or say anything. In the end he just snuggled closer as he closed his eyes.

 

----

 

*Chapter 2*

 

Warrick knew that people that didn’t know him and Nick probably thought they hated each other’s guts. The way they worked together was competitive and both being alpha males they had their shares of head butting over the time, but if asked, Warrick would never deny the simple and plain truth.

 

Nick was his best friend.

 

First he had been scared that Nick’s relationship with Gil would put a dent into their friendship, after all he had seen it with all his other buddies. Once they were in a relationship, they called less, their wild nights out got fewer and one day he would delete the phone number after not having heard from them for ever.

 

So he had been more than surprised when Nick had shown up at his flat on Sunday a six pack in his right hand, a large bag of crisps in the left sporting his trade mark grin and... a large hickey.

 

“Ready for the game?”

 

If Nick had noticed his surprise, he hadn’t said anything and now three months since ‘it’ had happened Warrick and Nick still were best friends.

 

They still argued about what kind of music was 'cool' and although the styles they rooted for had changed, they still didn't agree. Warrick was the old-school-jazz and hip hop person, someone who still didn't really approve of boy bands singing Frank Sinatra songs while Nick was the typical rock and mainstream listener. And so it was no big surprise that they usually discussed the radio station in the Tahoe quite heatedly.

 

"Ok, I yield we listen to this and you shut up."

 

Warrick grinned while he said it, his voice exaggerating the annoyance and from the grin he saw on Nick's face he knew that his friend understood. They had been called out to a crime scene right towards the end of their shift; a robbery had taken place in a corner store leaving the cashier shot and the money gone.

 

Stopping his car close to the yellow tape, Nick got out and grabbed his kit before he followed Warrick towards the shop. Two cops were standing outside giving them the all clear sign as they walked towards them, Vega who had called for the CSIs was no where seen.

 

"Is Detective Vega around?"

 

Warrick just walked up to hear Nick’s question and see the two uniformed men look up. Nick must have seen the sneer on their faces at the same time as Warrick, but instead of getting angry Warrick could see his friend tensing as he braced himself for a comment, but they only pointed towards the store. It wasn't until they walked past them and put on their gloves before entering the crime scene, that Warrick heard the comment.

 

"Latex gloves, must feel like at home in his job this fucking faggot."

 

He had anticipated a comment and so had Nick, but from the look that crossed his friend’s face it still hurt, still felt as if someone had slapped him and Warrick stopped as if he had run into a wall. Narrowing his eyes he turned around ready to read the riot act to this two dumbass uniforms, when Nick’s hand on his arm stopped him.

 

“Leave it Rick”

 

Nick didn’t speak loud, but the plea in his eyes was louder than if he had been shouting.

 

“You can’t be serious!”

 

The fact that he lowered his voice was solely for Nick’s benefit and when he saw the sad smile in the dark eyes, he really wanted to walk over to the bigoted assholes and...

 

“Warrick, if you fight them, you just get drawn into this. It’s... it’s not worth it.”

 

For a long time, he was tempted to argue but then Vega saw them and smiling grimly he started to show them around in the store. Yet, even as he was dusting for prints and trying to understand what had happened in the non-descript seven-eleven, Warrick couldn’t forget Nick’s last words.

 

‘It’s not worth it’

 

It wasn’t what Nick had said that bothered him; it was what he hadn’t said. Because although Nick had said ‘it’, what he had meant had been ‘I’. Sending a glance over to his friend, Warrick decided that he would wait to the end of their shift and then he and his best friend would have a serious chat.

 

And he would deal with the idiots outside later.

 

---

 

"Nick, you're coming for breakfast"

 

Warrick's voice made it clear that it wasn't a question, but an order and as Nick looked up he saw his friend staring at him. Shrugging he reasoned that it wasn't worth fighting with Warrick over something as simple as breakfast and so he nodded.

 

"Just have to tell Gil, that we're going. He tends to worry..."

 

Especially now, but Nick didn't add this; he didn't want to add those dark thoughts to the ones that obviously plagued Warrick already. He had an idea what his friend wanted to talk about, and felt anticipation rise in him at the thought.

 

What if Warrick was inviting him for breakfast to break it gently that he was calling off their friendship?

 

Was he about to lose his best friend because of his relationship with Gil?

 

He wasn't hungry, his stomach felt tied in knots with worry, but he didn't argue with Warrick as his friend ordered the large American breakfast for two. The coffee came instantly and taking a sip, Nick braced himself, before he asked quietly.

 

"Do you have a problem with me and Gil being an item?"

 

Warrick's look would have been funny, if the topic hadn't been so serious. He had been about to take a sip, when Nick had asked his question and now he seemed frozen, the cup still in mid-air, his mouth open as he stared at Nick incredulously.

 

"Come again?"

 

Nick's hand fussed with the napkin folding it up and picking it apart until Warrick's hand covered his stilling it. The feeling of the strong grip made him look up surprised and the sadness in his eyes made his heart clench.

 

"Do you think that of me?"

 

And for a second Nick was tempted to say no, just to get the sad look to disappear from Warrick's eyes, he knew though, that his friend would see through a lie.

 

"I don't know..."

 

He saw the anger that rose in the green eyes and now it was him who gripped Warrick's hand, holding onto it as if his life depended on it. He had to explain or he would lose Warrick.

 

"Please Rick, let me explain. When I first found out that I was gay, I told my then best friend about it. You know, it freaked me out and I just wanted to talk to someone. He was always a liberal person, so I figured he'd not judge me..."

 

Nick felt himself been drawn back to the past and heard Fred's words all over again.

 

"He told me that he never wanted to see me again, shouted at me, when I touched him, called me a sinner and worse... Can you imagine how devastated I was? I went home, opened the door and saw my parents standing there looking at me shocked... He'd called them to let them know about the rotten egg in their midst..."

 

His words failed him as he remembered the reaction of his parents, how they had turned from him, how alone he had felt. Warrick was looking at him and once again there was sadness in his eyes, sadness and surprisingly enough understanding.

 

"I didn't think you would react like this, but then I didn't expect Fred to do so either..."

 

Once again he didn't know what to say and bit his lips.

 

"Hey, Nick"

 

Warrick was smiling and that alone made Nick smile too as he realized that maybe he hadn't lost his friend yet.

 

"I'm not angry and no, you and Gil are not a problem for me. I mean, I knew about your crush on Gil for a while, just never figured you would have the courage to say anything."

 

Relief spread through him and with the relief came hunger. Nick dove into his food with the same enthusiasm as Warrick, enjoying the taste of crisp bacon and sinfully fatty waffles. For a while they just ate, commented on the food and on the day until the waitress cleared their table and Nick once again looked up.

 

"So, why did you order me for breakfast?"

 

Warrick looked at his hands for a moment and Nick saw how he seemed to calculate what to say. Then looking up again Warrick began to speak.

 

"Why don't you want me to fight on your behalf?"

 

He was referring to the episode with the cops and with a shrug; Nick repeated the words he had spoken before.

 

"It's not worth it, all that would happen is that you'd get called a fag too and hassled when working on crimes."

 

His friend was silent, then looking up Nick saw that Warrick had just figured something out.

 

"This has happened to you before, hasn't it?"

 

Nick remembered the taunts, the non-communication, the name calling and closing his eyes at the memories, he nodded.

 

"You remember when I told you about Fred? Well my parents weren't the only one he told... When I applied for the police department, they couldn't turn me down not with the credentials I had and the background of my family, but gosh sometimes I wished they would have..."

 

He didn't say anything else, but he could see from Warrick's eyes that the other man could imagine what had happened and true to this thought, Warrick asked quietly.

 

"Was this the reason you came here?"

 

Was it? Nick wasn't sure, it certainly had been the reason why he'd gone back to university and done his science degree, why he had left the PD and joined the CSI team. But had it been what had driven him away from Texas?

 

"Not completely or let's say not the taunts, the name-calling etc. But you know; I felt as if I would never be able to be completely me in Dallas..."

 

"Because back there you always had to worry about your family?"

 

Nick nodded while he absently stirred his coffee.

 

"And your parents?"

 

He smiled at the uncertainty he heard in Warrick's question. It was obvious, that the other CSI wasn't sure if the question was too personal and maybe for Warrick it would have been. Nick though didn't mind especially since that particular story had a happy ending.

 

"I left their house on the same night after Fred had called them and moved in with my eldest sister. She's been the alternative black sheep and immediately took me under her wing. Then two weeks later when I came home one night, Mom and Dad were there. I could see that Mom had been crying and even Dad looked very, very upset. First I thought, something had happened to one my sisters, but then they simply apologized for casting me out... I guess they were more shocked that night and they had been raised with their old beliefs of gays... It took some time for me to forgive them, but in the end..."

 

Nick shrugged and blushed lightly at the amused glance in Warrick's face, a blush that intensified when Warrick finished his words.

 

"...in the end, you are Nick and of course you forgave them."

 

Again he shrugged, and then though turning serious again, Warrick faced Nick straight on once more.

 

"Nick, you have to tell Brass about the harassment, he has to know, because you never know if it escalates, you see?"

 

Shivering Nick remembered what Gil had told him and with a split decision he started to tell Warrick about it. The rage in the dark face took him aback and he startled when Warrick slammed his fist onto the table.

 

"And you're both not going to report him? Fuck Nick, he threatened you and Gil!"

 

Nick understood Warrick's rage, but he also knew that there wasn't much he could do and shrugging he tried to explain how he was caught in a catch 22 situation.

 

"If I report them, then make myself even more enemies... if I don't report them, they will see us as weak and exploit this weakness..."

 

Defeat made his shoulders slump and he shook his head.

 

"What should I do Warrick?"

 

---

 

"Brass, you have a second for me?"

 

Jim had just wanted to clock off and go home when Ecklie walked into his office. He rolled his eyes and nodded curtly. He was tired and didn't want to deal with the other man; he feared that he was too tired to keep up the façade he had worn ever since that night after they had closed the Lower case.

 

"Come in although I was just about to leave"

 

He saw the quick smile that ran over Ecklie's face and forced himself to look annoyed when the other man simply closed the door and sat down. He couldn't understand the attraction he felt cause after all he didn't even like Conrad and yet there was something about him that made Jim want to get much closer.

 

"Ok, so what's this about?"

 

Ecklie looked slightly annoyed at the cold treatment he got, but then looked with an equally cool gaze at Jim.

 

"I heard how your men are harassing Stokes and Grissom."

 

It was not what Jim had expected and maybe his face betrayed his surprise.

 

"Why do you even care?"

 

There was a flash of hurt behind the cold blue eyes, but it was gone too quickly and for a moment Brass wondered if he'd just imagined it.

 

"Cause I can't stand bigots."

 

Cold eyes, cold words and with a sneer on his face, Ecklie got up, yet at the door turned around again.

 

"You better talk to them and your men, if not I know you're one of them too."

 

He left without saying good-bye and for a long time Jim just stood there dumbstruck. Then he got up to look for Gil and Nick, yet while he drove over to the crime labs, he still wondered about one thing.

 

He had been attracted to men and women alike for the last thirty years of his life. How had he suddenly become the bad guy?

 

---

 

*Chapter 3*

 

The talk with Nick last night had soothed Gil's fears and to see his lover at work, interacting as usual with everyone made him realize how stupid he had been. Nick loved him and if there was one thing about the Texan that he had known even before they had gotten together, it was the fact that Nick wasn't a quitter.

 

No, he mused as his eyes followed his tarantula as the large spider slowly crawled over his desk, no, Nick wasn't someone who quit as soon as the honey moon period was over, if he had been, he would have left the CSI lab long ago.

 

Nick had staying power and as he had told him last night. He had waited for Gil, had waited for him to come out of his shell and say something. Gil felt his heart beat faster that that thought, the knowledge that Nick cared, no not only cared, loved him just as much as he, Gil loved Nick.

 

"Grissom, do you have a second?"

 

Sara's voice sounded excited and he saw the sparkle in her eyes that she always had, when she was close to a break through in a case. They were working a hit and run, the victim, a thirty year old man had left two children and they were searching frantically for the driver. Now Sara looked at him and pointed towards the enlarged picture of a shard of glass.

 

"See this? First I thought it was just dirt, but now I've looked at it closer and realized it's a stamp from the manufacturer."

 

He smiled at her excitement, glad that she seemed happy and suddenly he noticed that the awkwardness he had always felt around her was gone. She no longer wanted something from him that he couldn't give her.

 

"I've looked at the database, it's a German company and they pretty much exclusively equip BMWs with their products. So at least that narrows it down a bit."

 

Gil nodded and remembered the flecks of colour they had found.

 

"If we get the details on the colour spectrum we can run a query for all BMW with the found colour and the owners, maybe we can get a number that is manageable."

 

Sara beamed at him and he grinned before he left the lab to make sure Greg hadn't forgotten about their case in between everything else. On his way there he walked past Nick and immediately saw the slightly slumped shoulders of his lover, the barely covered pain in his eyes. His heart hurt at the image Nick gave and without thinking he called out for him. Nick stopped and smiled his smile genuine and loving.

 

"Something wrong?"

 

For a short moment pain darkened his lover's expressive eyes, then he shook his head.

 

"Nothing important"

 

He wanted to press on, listen to the insistent voice, sounding a lot like Catherine, that told him to draw it out from Nick, but he had never meddled in other peoples affairs and he wasn't going to start now. He could always ask Nick after their shift.

 

"Warrick wants to go for breakfast and discuss the case and then I have to run laundry. I'll call you when I'm done ok?"

 

There was a dark undertone in Nick's voice and it made Gil shiver in unease. Quickly glancing up and down the corridor, he reached out to caress his lover's face only to have Nick withdraw from the touch. The hurt that shot through him like lightening was unexpected and Gil knew that Nick had seen it, when a soft hand found his and squeezed it hard.

 

"Sorry Gil; just had a shitty night. I'll tell you later."

 

The soft touch soothed the hurt and with a smile he looked at his lover.

 

"Just call me, when you want me to come over ok?"

 

Nick's face lit up and Gil realized once again how every small gesture from him still seemed to cause so much happiness in Nick. He felt humbled to be loved like this and although the withdrawal was still fresh in his mind, he reached out once again.

 

This time Nick didn't move away, instead closed his eyes savouring the contact.

 

"See you soon"

 

Gil's eyes followed Nick as he left the building. The sense of something wrong was still there and he promised himself that he would find out when he saw Nick again.

 

---

 

Sara had seen Nick enter the building. But even more she had seen the tired, sad way Nick had looked, had seen the darkness under his eyes. She was concerned and was about to follow her colleague when Gil stepped out of another corner and started talking to Nick.

 

For a moment, the love she saw in Gil's face made her heart hurt. She had dreamed of seeing this kind of love in his eyes, but in her dreams he had looked at her not Nick. When she had found out during the Lower case, she had pushed it aside, had not allowed herself to feel shock or hurt, knowing that it would distract her from the case.

 

It had only been after, when at the breakfast, Grissom had calmly announced the changes in the department, changes that he had made in order to be with Nick that the hurt had set in, a hurt that had escalated to anger and rage. She had left that morning and wanted nothing but scream at everyone, but Catherine had not let her do it, had instead insisted on driving her home, had listened to her vent and finally when she had nothing else to say and the tears had come, the older woman had held her close.

 

"I never had a chance did I?"

 

Catherine had smiled at her final sad statement and shook her head.

 

In the weeks that followed Sara had come to terms with the fact that while she had lost Grissom as a potential lover, she still had him as a friend and the fact that Nick didn't seem to mind if she and Grissom discussed cases after work, made it even easier.

 

Now standing in the door watching them, Sara realized that she could never have been what Grissom needed; she was too much like him. Nick on the other hand, Nick was different, he cared about people, cared about emotions and he knew how to give and take.

 

Smiling Sara was wondering if she would ever find someone like Nick, when a sudden movement made her almost gasp. Grissom had reached out to caress Nick's face and the younger man almost violently jerked his head away.

 

For a moment Sara just stared, the movement was so unlike Nick that her breath caught, then feeling like an intruder she left and walked to her locker deep in thought.

 

"What's eating at you?"

 

Warrick was leaning against his locker, his hair still slightly wet, his jacket thrown easily over his shoulder. He looked ready to leave and at Sara's entry he looked up.

 

"Something is wrong with Nick..."

 

She didn’t really want to go into more detail, but it seemed to be enough information as Warrick's face froze and a dangerous green fire started to burn in his eyes.

 

"Nick got shit from the cops that were watching the scene; it was pretty nasty shit they said. I wanted to intervene, but you know how he is, he held me back immediately..."

 

Sara felt her blood starting to boil, Warrick hadn't said anything, but it didn't take a genius to understand what the 'shit' had been about. She twisted hands in impotent rage and swore to herself. Warrick chuckled at her expression.

 

"Next time you're out with him and something like this happens, let me know."

 

It was only when she said it, that she realized how dark and threatening her voice sounded, but at the same time, she meant everything she said. Nick was someone special, he was a friend and she was someone who would fight for her friends.

 

---

 

Gil saw Sara leave and waited while Greg got him the last results. When, finally, the young lab-rat got him his analysis, he looked it over and called Brass with the information. The Captain promised to have the list ready by the start of the next shift and tired but satisfied Gil left his office.

 

It was only when he passed the small diner that he remembered that Nick would not be home. He didn’t fancy a lonely breakfast and, in a spur of the moment decision, he parked his car and got into the diner.

 

It had the old, cosy feeling of an old school diner, no fanciful colours, no loud music, just wooden tables and booths where the patrons sat reading papers or chatting with friends.

 

Gil walked towards the bar, when he saw them and within seconds his entire world seemed to collapse.

 

Nick and Warrick

 

His Nick sat opposite Warrick in a booth, and his rational mind told him, that he had known Nick was going for breakfast with his friend, but he couldn't listen to the rational mind, couldn't for once force himself to analyse... He stood in the middle of the diner frozen, his heart screaming in anguish as he saw Warrick reach out and cover Nick's hand with his.

 

He ran then, ran away from the reality he couldn't face, ran until he was in his car. Once there he felt his body starting to shake, his hands almost trembling too much to turn the key in the ignition. When he finally managed to start the car, he drove away too fast leaving dark trails in the parking spot.

 

His eyes were blurry, he didn't see much and once he parked his car in his garage, he stumbled out of it, his world spinning as he swayed on his way towards the couch. Gil was tired, his bones were aching, but as he walked into his room, he saw the still rumpled sheets, saw Nick's shirt on the floor and with a shudder he went back to the living room.

 

It were the same images that showed themselves in front of his eyes again and again... He saw Warrick taking Nick's hand, but in his mind it didn't stop at that, instead he saw Warrick's lips press a kiss on the back of Nick's hand, saw Nick's shiver with desire and lean over the booth to kiss the other CSI.

 

No!!!

 

The images screeched at a halt as his brain interrupted him and told him that Nick would never cheat on him like this, that only yesterday Nick had shown him how much he loved Gil.

 

And trying to think clearly he started to look at the evidence he had. Nick had held Warrick's hand in a diner, no, his brain corrected him, and Warrick had held Nick's hand. That was significant, wasn't it?

 

Was that the only evidence he had?

 

Relief spread through him, when his heart reminded him of how Nick had withdrawn from him just a couple of hours ago.

 

'Isn't that significant, that he can't stand your touch at the same morning when he then sits cosily with Warrick in a diner?'

 

He shivered once again in despair; he couldn't lose Nick, not now, not after finding him, after surviving the whole ordeal with Lower... He felt cold and weak... his mind seemed to be frozen, unable to understand what happened and maybe that was why he listened to his heart, his frightened, terrified heart that told him that he already had lost his lover...

 

"Why did I even believe differently?"

 

He whispered the question and was shocked when as if in an answer, his phone rang. Slowly he reached out and read the caller ID.

 

Nick

 

Once again he saw Warrick reach out and cover Nick's hand and with tears in his eyes he pressed a button.

 

'Reject'

 

---

 

"Brown, how can I help you?"

 

Brass was surprised at the anger and hostility coming off in waves from Warrick. Maybe it was those emotions that made him a bit harsher than intended, but after his meeting with Ecklie he was weary and tired.

 

The accusation of the other CSI had hurt him more than he would ever admit, even worse now that he had finally admitted his attraction to the dayshift supervisor.

 

Warrick stood in the door and looked at him questioningly. Then he walked inside and with a smile Brass wondered once again how Warrick always managed to look as if his legs were somehow too long for him and yet at the same time moved with an incredible grace

 

"I am not sure about what I am doing here."

 

He noticed immediately that the anger and hostility had evaporated and in their place was insecurity. It was an emotion he had never really associated with the tall CSI and questioningly he looked at him to continue.

 

"Nick would kill me, if he knew I was here."

 

Brass held his breath, Nick again... Shaking his head, he asked himself if Nick knew how many friends he had in this department, how many people were willing to put their career, even their life at risk for him. He knew the answer already, Nick had no idea, of course he would do so without even blinking for every single one of them and had done so more than once, but somehow he didn't seem to value himself high enough to merit the same sacrifices.

 

"We were harassed at the crime scene tonight, or let's better say, Nick was..."

 

The detailed account of what happened was worse than listening to Ecklie's accusations, it hurt, it simply hurt to hear and find out how many bigots worked in his own department and for a moment Brass felt as if the taunts had been hurled at him.

 

'And if I were more honest in my life, then they would'

 

He had no illusions, his job and career would be ruined if the truth about his desires ever came out. Listening intently he tensed as he heard how Fromansky had threatened Gil. Then there was silence and Brass could feel Warrick's eyes on him. Finally he looked up and saw the concern for both Nick and Gil in the green eyes.

 

"I will do what I can, but you know that unless Nick or Gil make a formal complaint, I can't do anything."

 

Warrick nodded, but it seemed to Brass that he had shrunk a bit in disappointment; sighing again he looked up and smiled lightly.

 

"I know that Vega and O'Reilly have no issues with them, neither have I of course, so I'll make sure they know about the threats and the taunts. Next time they will be prepared and act appropriately."

 

Slowly the CSI opposite him got up and nodded. Warrick looked as tired as Brass felt when he turned around at the door.

 

"There shouldn't be anything to be prepared for... Why can't they understand that love is love no matter what gender?"

 

There was a deep pain in Warrick's words, but he left before Brass could comment on it, leaving the Captain to ponder where the pain had its roots and whether Warrick had experienced something like that before.

 

---

 

Gil had rejected his call.

 

Nick stared at the phone dumbfounded before he once again called his lover. He had driven home too fast, had rushed through his laundry with one goal, to see Gil and feel his arms around him.

 

In Gil's arms he felt safe and after the conversation with Warrick, he needed this feeling, needed the security that in this damn shitty world there was someone who cared about him.

 

Oh, he knew that Warrick cared too, his friend had made that clear during their breakfast, but the memory of how his 'friends' had reacted back in Texas, how some of his relatives still didn't speak with him, how even his own sister had disowned him... Warrick's assurance had helped but the wounds had been reopened again, bleeding and raw and he needed his lover.

 

And now Gil had rejected his call.

 

Trembling slightly, he pressed once again on the speed dial and waited for his lover to pick up only to hear the dial tone change into the occupied beeping, the message clear.

 

Gil didn't want to speak to him.

 

"What have I done?"

 

Honestly, Nick had no idea. Maybe Gil was still annoyed that he had not allowed the caress at first, but it had been an instinctive reaction to the harsh, hurtful words he had just heard. Maybe Gil had had a shitty day and was just tired...

 

'Maybe I am too clingy and he needs his space, his time alone.'

 

Another voice, a darker one rose in his mind, telling him that he wasn't good enough for Gil anyway and that he should have expected this end, but he squashed it violently and told himself that he was good enough, that he did deserve to be loved and that he would fight for Gil.

 

Grabbing the keys from his table he walked out and back into the car.

 

"I waited so many years for you Gil; I am not going to let you go again."

 

Despite the proud words he was nervous though as he knocked at his lover's door, somehow not sure if he should use the key or not. When Gil opened he gasped lightly, his lover's eyes were red and swollen, and his face was pale.

 

"Gil, what has happened to you?"

 

Nick felt his heart constrict at the pain that flashed through his lover's eyes as he asked the question. He carefully reached out and cupped the pale face with his hands. Something had shaken Gil and he wanted nothing but to make the hurt go away, gently he pushed his lover inside and closed the door. Once they were hidden from prying eyes he enclosed Gil in his arms, softly he kissed the older man's forehead and murmured soothing words in his ears.

 

"It's ok, what ever it was, it will be ok, Gil, you are strong and I am here..."

 

He felt Gil tense in his arms and it was as if suddenly walls stood between him and the man he loved. Gil's eyes were emotionless as he looked at him and with a shiver Nick realized that this was Grissom, the CSI looking at him and not Gil his lover.

 

"You are here Nick, now, but for how long? How long until you realize that I am nothing but an old man? How long until I you have had enough?"

 

When Gil started to talk, Nick could not believe what he heard. But the more Gil said, the more he felt as if every single word was like the slash of a knife cutting into him, making him bleed and he wondered if Gil saw the pain in his eyes. But as Gil turned away after falling silent, he realized that Gil hadn't even looked.

 

He tried to speak, but there were no words he could say and when he finally managed to get up and walk towards Gil all he could do was plead with him.

 

"Gil, I love you, I told you only yesterday, I won't leave, I am here to stay..."

 

He hated how his voice shook as he tried to reach out for his lover, but Gil just looked at him and the coldness in the blue eyes made him tremble.

 

"I think you should leave Nick, we can talk about this tomorrow."

 

Nick left as if in trance. His drive back home was a daze and he had no idea how had found the way back to his flat, but as he looked at the bed he hadn't slept in alone for over four months now, he couldn't hold the tears back anymore.

 

What had happened to turn Gil into this cold man that wouldn't even look in his eyes anymore?

 

"What has happened?"

 

The empty room didn't answer him and when he finally fell asleep alone he reached out for his lover even in his dreams only to come up empty and wake up frightened.

 

"I don't understand"

 

But once again, there was nothing but silence to his desperate words.

 

---

 

*Chapter 4*

 

Catherine was used to see her colleagues with dark rings under their eyes, used to see them more looking more like corpses themselves after having worked multiple shifts, nevertheless she took as step back in shock when she saw Nick at the start of her shift.

 

Nick was pale, he had dark rings under his eyes, but what was even worse was that his entire body language screamed of how sad the younger man was. Normally there was always a light around the Texan, an air of happiness even in the hardest cases, something that made his eyes sparkle and his smile genuine. But tonight the light was dimmed, the smile didn't reach his eyes, worse even it barely reached his lips and it was so fake that it hurt to see it.

 

"Nicky, are you ok?"

 

Sara's concerned question was answered with yet another of those terribly fake smiles before he shrugged and brushed her off.

 

"Didn't sleep much"

 

Normally such a comment would have resulted in merciless teasing, but tonight there just was silence after Nick's words. It was as if everyone seemed to notice that Nick would not be able to stomach those jokes. Looking at the team, Catherine swore as she saw Grissom come their way, looking just as bad as Nick and some things fell into place.

 

Had they had a fight?

 

If so, why hadn't they talked about it? Nick had once told her that Grissom had finally understood that the key rule of any relationship was talking and communicating. Had he been wrong?

 

"Catherine, you and I are on a murder case in Henderson. Warrick, Sara you've got a shooting at a petrol station. Nick, contact Brass, he's got a robbery downtown."

 

Catherine saw how Nick looked at Gil, his eyes were visibly pleading with the older man to say something else, to somehow acknowledge him. Her breath stopped when she noticed how the older man wasn't even looking at his lover. What had happened to make Nick look so hurt, so desperate and Grissom so cold? Sighing she walked outside towards her car before she turned around and called her co supervisor.

 

"Grissom, we take my car, you drive"

 

And she would talk, ask and prod until she had found out what was going on.

 

---

 

"Gosh Nicky, what has happened to you?"

 

Brass realized the moment when he said it, that it had been the wrong thing to say, but he couldn't take his words back now and for a moment he waited while Nick composed himself. The cool CSI again, the younger man looked over to the house and then at Brass.

 

"Robbery or Insurance fraud?"

 

It was a valid question and Brass shrugged.

 

"That's for you to find out."

 

Nick grinned at him and he was relieved to see a bit of the younger man's normal personality to come back. Brass didn't linger on Nick's obvious distress, he didn't know the other man good enough to act as his confident and knowing Nick, he had probably talked to Warrick or would soon.

 

"Hey guys, is the house cleared?"

 

The two uniformed cops looked up as Nick approached them and Brass watched them closely for any signs of harassment or even the slightest comment. They seemed friendly though as they told Nick that indeed the house was clear and all his.

 

Relief spread through Brass, it was good to know that not all cops were bigots. He turned towards Nick and as the CSI told him he'd first check out the back garden and the back door since that had been where the thief had entered the house.

 

Nodding friendly at Nick first and then at the cops, Brass walked inside the house to take a look, never noticing the shocked expression of the uniformed men who were supposed to guard them.

 

---

 

Of all detectives to work with, Brass was the best and the worst in such a situation. Best because he cared and let him be without complaining to any of his superiors afterwards, worst because he knew Nick and where others would just let him mope, Brass would possibly ask questions once they were done with the house.

 

Sighing deeply, Nick pushed all thoughts of the previous morning and Gil's treatment tonight out of his mind as he concentrated on looking for traces of the robbery.

 

Looking around the garden, trying to get the big picture and see something that wasn't supposed to be there, Nick focused his mind on his training.

 

The footprint almost jumped at him and with a smile he first took a picture and then carefully made a mould from it.

 

"Sneaker, size 5.5"

 

He muttered silently as he walked towards the broken glass door, carefully avoiding stepping on anything of importance. There was a muddy hand print on the door and shaking his head at the stupidity of some people he took yet another picture and secured the print. This seemed to be a pretty straight forward thing and Nick already knew that he would be back in the office not before long.

 

"Had to be today, when I don't want to be idle."

 

Again the annoyed muttering was silent enough that no one but him heard it. He looked at the door handle, when the yell came from the house. It was Brass' voice and he froze as immediately after the exclamation a shot was heard. Running back to the front, he called the two cops and told them he heard a shot and that he would enter from the back door.

 

Nick wasn't waiting and didn't see the sneer in the officers faces as he drew his weapon and walked back to the garden. All his senses were focused on protecting himself and Brass knowing that something had to have happened. If he were fine, Brass would have called out to him for everything to be alright. Slowly, carefully he opened the door trying to push the memories aside on how he had felt when Amy Hendler had pointed a gun at him, how he had feared for his life when Lower's sister had struck him with her weapon.

 

As he looked into the living room, the scene seemed frozen in time. A younger man, pale with blond shaggy hair stood over Brass' body, his weapon raised to finish the Captain off. Nick didn't realize how he went on automatic pilot as he raised his own weapon and warned the shooter.

 

"Freeze or I have to shoot you"

 

The junkie looked at him with wild eyes and he realized immediately that the other man was on a trip and didn't understand him. Then a crazy grin spread over the pale face as the man lifted his weapon and unlocked the barrel.

 

"You can't stop me"

 

The cackle of the other man's voice was manic and Nick reacted without thinking as he fired his own weapon.

 

Time once again froze as he saw how the junkie was propelled backwards by the impact of the shot, heard the other man's gun go off, saw the bullet fly through the room aimlessly and then there was silence.

 

Nick stood there for a long time, not really realizing what had just happened, then though he ran towards Brass' body inwardly praying that he hadn't come too late. Gently he kneeled down next to the Captain and sighed in relief when he saw that Jim had his eyes open.

 

"Sorry for being late, I thought it was cleared..."

 

Only then did he notice that the two cops he had asked for help were nowhere to be seen and he paled, Brass weakly grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

 

"Nicky, don't blame yourself, you've just saved my life. You did well Nick, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

 

His voice faded and frantic, Nick called the ambulance and pressed his hand on Brass' wound trying to still the blood from flowing. It might have been minutes or hours, Nick had lost all his sense of time, when the paramedic gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

"We have to move him, don't worry, he will be ok."

 

Nick walked outside like in trance when Ecklie stopped him.

 

"Nick, I need your weapon."

 

Confused he looked at the dayshift supervisor and was surprised to see compassion in the other man's eyes. It clicked then and he handed the gun over only now noticing how his hands shook.

 

"Nick, I want you to go home and lie down ok, dayshift has been called in to handle the shooting and the robbery. I will inform you about everything ok."

 

Ecklie's voice was still softer than usual and maybe that, more than anything else, tipped off that something was wrong.

 

"What is going on?"

 

He shivered as Ecklie looked at him closely, and led him away towards his vehicle.

 

"They" he pointed towards the cops with his head "they claim that you told Brass the house was clear without asking them and that you further didn't ask for help before entering the house. They suggest that from their view you shot the thief in cold blood..."

 

The world suddenly turned around him and if it hadn't been for Ecklie Nick would have fallen, the CSI held him firmly before he looked at him again. This time there was no compassion in his eyes only determination.

 

"Nick, I know that this is bullshit but until Brass is awake and can confirm your version of the story, all we can do is look for evidence to support you. So that's why I need you away from the scene..."

 

Nick got into his car and drove away like in trance. How had his life turned like this in not even twelve hours?

 

Twelve hours ago, he had been happy in his job, in love and felt blessed that Gil loved him too.

 

And now, he was alone driving towards a flat that didn't feel like his home anymore and was accused of negligence and murder.

 

The last thought made him shiver as he got out of his car and with tears in his eyes he grabbed his phone. The number was on speed dial one, but Nick wasn't surprised when no one picked up. Gil's voice came through announcing that he would call back as soon as possible. He doubted it, but was too broken to be proud anymore. His message was short and to the point.

 

"Gil I need you now"

 

Then he sank onto the floor wishing with all his heart that Gil would come to him and wake him from this nightmare.

 

---

 

Driving off with a silent Grissom, Cat promised herself not to interfere with him and Nick. And within the first ten minutes she broke her promise.

 

“Grissom what is going on? Yesterday you and Nick were so happy and today you both look terrible.”

 

Grissom reacted as if he hadn’t heard her and she had to force herself not to scream at him.

 

“Gris, I told you don’t hurt him or we will hurt you.”

 

This time she got a reaction and it was such a strong reaction that it shocked her. Grissom laughed harshly before a shiver went through his entire body and he became rigid. Cold and yet burning eyes looked at her as he spoke with a voice that screamed of his effort not to shout at her.

 

“It’s funny how everyone seems to think that I am the one who will be hurting him. What if it is the other way round? What if he has already found someone better? Someone more like him?”

 

Cat couldn’t believe what she heard, couldn’t believe that this was the rational, scientific Gil Grissom talking and with a sigh she stopped at the side of the road. Looking at her old friend with a deep compassion she reached out and touched his shoulder.

 

“Gil, Nicky would never look at anyone else, why do you think he never had dates? Why do you think he was always alone? He was waiting for you all those years...”

 

She trailed off when she saw the pain in Grissom’s eyes and he shook his head.

 

“I saw him and Warrick yesterday in a diner and they were holding hands.”

 

That titbit shocked her because it sounded unlike Warrick, but at the same time she knew about the deep friendship between the two men.

 

“Did you ask Nick?”

 

Confused and hurt eyes gazed at her as Grissom shook his head.

 

“No”

 

And just like that Cat understood. Grissom had rebuilt his walls and shut Nick out. It was his way of dealing with pain, but this time he was causing more pain by doing so. But as she took a breath to speak, Gil stopped her.

 

“Don’t Cat, I can’t talk about it. Just, just leave me alone.”

 

---

 

They heard about it on their way back from the scene and Sara almost drove into the waiting car in front of them. Right at the same time Cat called and let Sara know that Grissom was an idiot and not even thinking of talking to Nick. Growling she hit the wheel with her fist only to jump when she accidentally bumped the horn.

 

“Hey, hold on Sara, calm down.”

 

She would have, had Warrick not sounded so shocked himself, shocked she realized and angry. Her second thought was confirmed immediately when her colleague slammed one fist onto the head board.

 

“Damn them”

 

It was only then that she understood his anger and the reason behind it.

 

Brass had been shot at scene, a scene that hadn’t been cleared properly. Nick had been working with him, Nick who had been forced to shoot someone, Nick who had been explicitly harassed only yesterday.

 

“It could have been a real accident.”

 

Warrick just sent her a disgusted look.

 

“Accident yeah? Sara only yesterday I had to drag Nick to breakfast after some scumbag of officer called him a faggot and worse at the scene. You know what, well it turns out it’s not all that has happened. Grissom got threatened by Fromansky, that one day when he would think a scene to be cleared, he or his men might just have gotten stuck in traffic...”

 

The implications of Warrick’s words made her pale and start shivering at the same time. Her hands clenched around the steering wheel and she had to force herself to remain calm.

 

“And something happened between him and Grissom from the look they had this morning.”

 

Warrick only nodded at her comment, then looked up sharply when she made a reckless U-turn and drove off again.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Sara shot him a look.

 

“I’m driving you to Nick, he needs a friend now. And then I’ll talk to Grissom...”

 

She had wanted to rip her boss a new one for a long time, now it seemed she had a good reason.

 

---

 

*Chapter 5*

 

Warrick knocked at Nick's door and when nothing happened did it again. Concern rising in him, he finally pounded heavily and was relieved when he heard a hoarse voice from inside.

 

"Hold on, I'm coming"

 

His relief was short-lived as Nick opened the door, Nick looked terrible, his face was pale and his eyes red a sure sign that his friend had cried. For a moment, Nick looked at him and then silently stepped aside to let him in.

 

"Make yourself at home"

 

Warrick noted the flat, dull tone of the other man's voice and inwardly cursed Grissom, while at the same time outwardly grinned and grabbed a bottle of water out of Nick's fridge. For a moment he stared at the bottle of beer, but then shrugged and took a second water bottle. With a grin, he tossed it towards Nick and sat down next to his friend.

 

"Nick, I heard about the shooting"

 

A shiver went through the other man and as Warrick saw Nick pale even more, he realized his mistake. Turning so that he faced Nick, he forced the Texan to look at him.

 

"Hey, I don't believe what those assholes told Ecklie and the others and I hope for God that Ecklie doesn't either."

 

Nick's relief at Warrick's words was visible as some of the tension left his body and he slumped back towards the couch, a quick, tentative smile crossed his face and he answered softly.

 

"No he didn't, instead he explicitly told me to stay away and let him search for evidence of those guy's lies."

 

Gently Warrick put a hand on Nick's shoulder, the muscles were tense and he winced at the slight tremors that ran through his friend's smaller frame. Nick was hurting badly and silently he cursed Gil for not being here, for leaving Nick alone when he needed him so much.

 

"Why is Gil not here?"

 

The words were out before he could help himself and immediately Nick withdrew from his touch, huddling closer towards the edge, hands clutching the water bottle tightly. His eyes were downcast when he whispered.

 

"He's not here cause he doesn't care anymore."

 

The words seemed to hurt him even as he spoke them and Warrick felt his heart break at his friend's pain. Not thinking much, he leaned over and enclosed him in his arms. Small tremors ran through Nick's body as he felt his friend's composure break and almost silent sobs began to wrack him. For a long time, Warrick just held him, lending him his strength and calm. He didn't whisper any words, didn't caress the back or the shoulders, just held him close and let Nick know that he wasn't alone. Slowly the shivers ebbed down and finally Nick looked up, eyes red and still hurting, but somehow soothed by the presence of his friend. Warrick smiled and took the bottle from Nick's hands holding them with his instead. A memory rose in his mind and suddenly he knew what he had to do, where he had to take Nick.

 

"I love this area, man; I mean even if I'm not flying, these mountains just have a calming effect you know? It's like so far away from the reality of Vegas that it's like I can breathe here again."

 

Nick's words when he had taken him here to 'breathe' again after the nightclub singer disaster. And with a quick decision, Warrick got up from the couch drawing Nick with him.

 

"Hey, what are you doing?"

 

Instead of answering Nick, Warrick walked over to the fridge and grabbed two more bottles. Proceeding to the door he turned around and looked at Nick.

 

"We're going to the mountains."

 

For a long time he thought that Nick would not come, but then a small smile crossed over the pale face and he slowly walked towards him. Quickly he grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

 

"Thanks Rick, thanks for being here"

 

Warrick nodded and smiled, told Nick something Nick had told him years ago.

 

"That's what friends are for."

 

Nick only nodded silently, but averted his eyes and Warrick shook his head sadly. He could read his friend's mind like a book and Nick's one thought was not about what friends were for but on Gil.

 

"Nick what has happened?"

 

Another shiver went through the slender body, but Nick shook his head.

 

"I'll tell you when we're there."

 

---

 

There were many things, Conrad Ecklie had seen in his life, things that had taught him to expect anything and be prepared for everything. His years in the army and later with the Vegas police department had shown him how many people were not prepared for the worst to come and how even the strongest men were weak in the face of some unexpected event.

 

He had always considered himself to expect everything and be prepared to do and endure anything.

 

But as he stood outside the intensive care unit of the desert palm hospital, waiting for the staff to clear him and hand over the sterile dress he needed to wear, he realized that he had been wrong.

 

He had never expected to one day stare through a window at the still body of Jim Brass, had never expected having to process the Captain as a victim of a crime. Maybe this lapse was human; maybe it was the normal reaction of someone working in a dangerous environment, that the danger was pushed aside out of his mind. Maybe this mistake was forgivable.

 

On the other hand, he had not been prepared for the pain that had shot directly to his heart when he had seen the other man hooked to all the machines, had not been prepared to feel himself starting to pray silently for this man to be saved.

 

Conrad shook his head, he had known of his attraction towards Brass and yet he had not been prepared for the depth of emotions that he felt now.

 

Like travelling back in time he heard the voice of his former CO.

 

"You have to purge yourself from all emotions. Emotions make you weak when you can least afford it. Become what you are supposed to be, a perfect fighter always rational, always in control..."

 

"... never human, always a robot."

 

His words were a mere whisper as he kept his eyes on the monitors that indicated that there was still life in Jim.

 

"Sir, Mr. Ecklie?"

 

He looked up surprised and shook his head at himself. He had been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard the nurse walk up next to him. A shiver went through him and he had to force himself to smile at her.

 

"You can go and see him now; would you please put on those items?"

 

She handed him a bag of sterile green clothes and he followed her to the changing room. As soon as she left him alone, he sat down shakily. He hadn't heard her, she hadn't crept up to him, hadn't tried to conceal her approach and still he hadn't realized that she was there until she had spoken.

 

He looked at his hands and saw that they were shaking and another memory rose.

 

His first case as a CSI, he had been working with Brass, who at that time still had been new in Vegas. He had worked on dusting a door handle when Brass had walked up behind him and touched his shoulder. Conrad hadn't thought just acted and ten seconds after he had felt Brass' hand on his shoulder, he had the detective pinned to the floor, his arms behind his body while Conrad's hand was hovering over his throat.

 

Realizing what he had done he had stepped back horrified and wondered whether his first night as a CSI would also be his last. Brass had rubbed his arm, looked at him, and then he laughed shakily.

 

"For god's sake Ecklie, you should come with a warn label."

 

Later that day Brass had waited for him with a coffee in his hand and drawn him towards the break room, it had been empty and the older man had watched with clear, knowing eyes how Conrad had unconsciously seated himself in the one spot where he had his back to the wall and the entire room in view.

 

"How long where you in Special Ops?"

 

The calmly spoken words had shocked him, he knew that his file said that he had been in the military, that he had been a ranger, but nothing in either the CV or the information Brass could have gotten from the army would give a clue that he had been a Delta.

 

"Look, I've watched you for a while and there are certain signs of alertness, of knowledge and military experience that you don't get if you're with the Rangers only Special Ops. Not to mention the fact that you had a trained cop completely immobilized within seconds."

 

Conrad had swallowed hard and nodded quickly before answering.

 

"Five years"

 

He was sitting next to the still form of the Captain now and remembering the short conversation. They had never ever talked about it again and despite some of their fights, Brass had never mentioned his profession to anyone.

 

"He's in a stable condition and the surgery was successful. He's lost a lot of blood though, so we had to be careful with the narcotics."

 

Conrad nodded at the doctor's words, but his eyes strayed back to the pale man in the hospital bed.

 

"You can stay here overnight; we can put a second bed in here so that you can be with your partner."

 

First the meaning behind the friendly words didn't filter through, but when it did, Conrad felt himself tense before he forced a laugh.

 

"Sorry Doctor, but I'm not his partner. I'm with the Las Vegas Crime Lab; I just came because I need his clothes and any other evidence such as the bullet."

 

The blond woman looked at him with a smile, her green eyes friendly as she told him that she would bring him the bullet and the clothes. Conrad listened to her steps before he turned back to Brass and once again looked at him. Finally without thinking much, he took the cold hand, trying to warm it by rubbing it between his own.

 

"You better wake up soon Brass; those assholes you work with blame Stokes for your injury and the death of the perp. I've got some evidence, but not enough to prove that they are not only bigots, but committed a negligence that could have gotten you killed."

 

The reality hit him then, how close it had been, how easy Nick could have been late and a shudder ran through him as he quickly, softly caressed the sleeping face.

 

"And I need you to wake up for me, Jim... I won't ever be able to have you, but I don't want to lose you completely..."

 

He let go of the hand and instead looked at the fingernails to check for any traces, even though he knew that there had been no fight and that Brass' hands had most likely been cleaned. Sighing lightly he got up and met the doctor at the door. She handed him the bundle of clothes and with a nod towards Brass she said.

 

"It's always hard if it is one of your own, isn't it."

 

Ecklie nodded and thanked her for her help. He walked out of the hospital almost as if in trance only in the car did he once again let his emotions through.

 

'One of your own'

 

The words of the doctor repeated themselves in his mind and slowly his face hardened his eyes turned cold and hard. He had suppressed that persona knowing that the perfect soldier he had once been had always bordered close to madness, now though he let him out. Jim Brass was one of his own and if there was one thing they had taught him at Delta, it was to take care of his own, to protect and shelter.

 

And to avenge...

 

---

 

Sara had known where to look for Gil and she almost smiled when she saw him sitting in his office reading in a journal. Then though she remembered how Nick had looked this morning and what she had heard about her friend's case on the radio. Anger replaced the fond smile on her face and with a deep breath she opened the glass door to Grissom's office.

 

"Sara"

 

His voice sounded wary, but she could see that there was relief too and that simple emotion made her even angrier. Grissom obviously thought that she would agree with him just because she had had a crush on her. Composing herself, she closed the blinds and sat down opposite her.

 

"You know, seeing you in the office reading an article when Nick is at home and just a hair away of being charged with homicide is not something I expected."

 

Grissom's face closed off and Sara could almost see the walls rising around her boss. It was familiar, something she had done for a long time, still did sometimes and yet had learned long ago, that more often than not this attitude hurt those she loved the most.

 

"I am sure he found someone to console him."

 

The cold voice made her take a step back and a shiver ran through her, as long as she knew Grissom he had often been careless, indifferent, but never purposefully cruel. This last statement had been exactly that.

 

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

 

Sara rarely swore and maybe that was the reason Grissom looked at her concerned. Calming lightly she sat down and forced him to look at her. He swallowed and then icily told her what he saw as the truth.

 

"He's in love with Warrick."

 

Warrick? The irony of Gil's statement made her almost grin, but then she thought of Warrick's concern for Nick, thought of how the younger CSI had fought to contain his rage during the Lower case and finally she thought of where Warrick was right now. A deep sight escaped her, before she once again fixed her boss with her eyes.

 

"Grissom, how blind are you? Do you not see how much Nick loves you?"

 

She saw the pain in his eyes and for a moment it was almost enough to let him off the hook, but then she remembered Nick's face this morning and how he had to have felt when his lover didn't stand by him after the shooting. It was enough to forget any warm feelings.

 

"Warrick cares about Nick, cares deeply, but not in the way you think. They are like brothers, Nick is the younger brother that Warrick never had and Warrick is the family Nick left behind when he came here. They love each other yes, but not in the way you think."

 

She saw in his eyes that he didn’t believe her and his next words confirmed it.

 

"Don't tell me what to think or not, I saw them Sara, I saw them holding hands in a bar yesterday. And you know, I'm not even surprised... Nick..."

 

His voice trailed off and Sara growled slightly.

 

"Nick..."

 

Grissom looked shocked at her audible anger and shivered.

 

"He's better off with someone else, I'm not... He's too good..."

 

It were those words that made the composure she had tried to keep, burst and she hit the desk with her flat hand. The loud thump made Grissom look up almost scared.

 

"You god damn idiot, so you decide that he's better off without you and just run away from him? Did you even give him a chance to explain anything? If I asked Nick right now, would he be able to tell me what happened?"

 

She took a calming breath, but it didn't help all the suppressed fear still inside her from the Lower case, all the anger and pain she had felt when Gil had chosen Nick now boiled to the surface and with growl she continued her rant.

 

"Warrick took Nick for breakfast to talk to him. He's been harassed at a scene by two idiots of officers and when Warrick wanted to step up for him, Nick held him back telling him that he wasn't worth it. That's the reason Nick went for breakfast with him and I bet you anything, that that was the reason why Warrick was holding Nick's hand."

 

She swallowed and tried to keep to the real issue, tried to keep the bitter words back that she had wanted to say ever since...

 

"Do you realize that ever since you and Nick got together it always was just about you, did you ever stop long enough to think about him? Did you ever ask him what he wanted from your relationship? Did you ever ask yourself why he put up with you, why he didn't leave when he was threatened by Lower, why he stayed even though he had to face all those rumours and not you?"

 

Grissom had paled, but Sara couldn't stop, she was reading Gil the riot act and even though she did it for Nick for her friend, it felt as if a weight were lifting from her shoulders and she realized that this was for her own calm too.

 

She noticed how her boss looked confused at the last words and shook her head smiling bitterly.

 

"You didn't even know did you? He never told you how he's been taunted by some in the lab to be the teacher's pet, how others purposely put his work last because 'he gets enough help from you'. Did he ever tell you or did you ever ask?"

 

Seeing the shock in Grissom's eyes she continued knowing that finally she had broken through his walls.

 

"Don't you see how much he loves you?"

 

Grissom stared at her for a long time, then slowly a broken sound escaped him and he lifted a trembling hand to his eyes. Wearily rubbing them he shook his head.

 

"I only saw what a wonderful person he is, I was sure that he would leave one day just like everyone else."

 

Shaking her head at the enigma that Gil Grissom was Sara smiled.

 

"Grissom look at the evidence, you said it yourself Nick is a wonderful person, why would he leave you? He's been through some very rough shit because he loves you and he stayed because he loves you."

 

It was as if all the anger she had felt had evaporated leaving her exhausted and yet feeling relieved. Sara shivered lightly when she realized what it was that she felt. Freedom... finally after all this time of hopelessly dreaming of Grissom she felt free... it was a good feeling.

 

"Grissom, Nick has been through hell today, he saw a friend getting seriously injured, had to kill another human being and to top all of suddenly found himself accused of being the one responsible."

 

Her words hit home, Sara saw how Grissom paled, how his face lost all colour as the reality of what had happened this night filtered in. Another sound escaped, a pained, horrified sound as he realized what he had done, how he had let his lover down.

 

"What have I done?"

 

For a long time Sara didn't know how to respond, then finally she put one hand on Grissom's shoulder and squeezed it gently.

 

"Warrick is with him right now and if I know him, he's taken Nick up to the mountains to get away from the city. Go there and talk to Nick, tell him why you pushed him away, tell him why you didn't believe him and if he forgives you, make sure that you take care of him the way he deserves it."

 

It wasn't until her boss looked at her quizzically that Sara realized how much her last words had sounded like a threat, Grissom didn't say anything, just looked down at his hands and Sara realized that she had overstayed her welcome. She got up and walked to the door, once there she turned around.

 

"It won't only be me you'd have to answer, if Nick came in once again looking like this evening. It would be the entire team."

 

This time it was a threat and they both knew it.

 

---

 

Warrick sat next to Nick and looked down over the wide open plane, seeing the greenish hills in the back and the yellow desert around them. The contrast to the city couldn't have been more pronounced, the complete silence out here compared to the noise and hectic in the city, the calm and grandeur of Nature against the constant movement and bright lights... Before he had met Nick, Warrick had never really cared about the outdoors, only with his friend had he understood what it meant to breathe fresh air and see nothing but open spaces.

 

"He doesn't trust me"

 

Painful words that made him flinch as Nick suddenly started to speak.

 

"When I came home yesterday morning, I called him, but he cut me off... I drove over to meet him and he was so different, so cold..."

 

As if protecting himself against that cold, Nick wrapped his arms around his body and Warrick itched to hold him, protect him, but something held him back, some inner voice warned him and he listened to it.

 

"I told him that I was there for him, that I would always be there for him... and he just tensed, asked me how long until I would see that he was just an old man, until I would leave him..."

 

Nick's voice broke and he took a sip from his bottle, and then spoke again.

 

"I don't understand Warrick, why doesn't he see that I can't live without him? How can he not see how much I love him?"

 

Warrick wanted to answer, but before he could say anything another voice spoke softly, making Nick tense up completely.

 

"Because I was blind"

 

---

 

Nick heard Gil's voice and immediately he tensed up torn between hope and fear, hope that he hadn't lost Gil yet and fear that his lover was just here to destroy him completely. He heard the slow, soft steps of the older man and felt Gil sit down next to him carefully giving him enough distance.

 

It hurt.

 

It hurt that Gil who always had enjoyed the close contact and often indulged Nick in his need for cuddles, now seemed to need a distance between them.

 

Nick stared straight ahead wishing that he had taken his paraglider with him, so that he could have escaped the inquisitive blue eyes of his lover.

 

"Nicky, can we talk?"

 

Nicky... He didn't know if it was a good sign or not that Gil called him this. Not daring to look up, he glanced at Warrick and saw that his friend looked at them with impassionate eyes.

 

"I don't know; what do you want to talk about?"

 

His voice was harsher than he planned and he saw Gil's flinch in the movement of his shadow, saw how Warrick shook his head in dismay before he got up.

 

"The two of you need to talk about this, sort yourself out and find back again. Damit you love each other, don't give that up, so make up, make out and then come back to work cause we have some cop-asses to kick."

 

With those words he tossed his water bottle towards Gil.

 

"Catch"

 

Nick was frozen as he watched his friend drive off; leave a trail of dust behind him. He was alone with Gil and suddenly he couldn't stand it anymore. Angrily he got up and turned towards his lover and stopped as if he had run into a wall.

 

Gil stood close to him, his face pale and drawn, but it wasn't his look that made Nick gasp, it was the large bag back that stood next to his lover.

 

"You brought my paraglider?"

 

He had stopped flying as he had started seeing Gil knowing how much his lover hated it, how afraid Gil was when he went up. If Nick was honest, he had missed it, but never complained thinking that having Gil was worth much more than flying.

 

"I was so blind Nick; I didn't trust you and hurt you."

 

Talk about stating the obvious, Nick shook his head and looked at Gil letting his lover see how much he hurt, how broken his heart was.

 

"Why Gil, why did you do it?"

 

The older man twisted his hands and then sat down again waiting before Nick did so too before he started to speak.

 

"I saw you with Warrick yesterday morning and drew the wrong conclusions. I wasn't thinking just feeling, I... I... it's not you I don't trust, but I can't see what you see in me and I'm afraid that one day you will wake up and leave."

 

Part of Nick was angry, part of him was tired, but the strongest emotion was sadness, how could they continue if Gil didn't trust him, how would they ever be able to build a relationship if his lover could not talk to him?

 

"I never had a relationship like this, give me some time Nick, I will learn."

 

Nick stared at his hands, he was willing to give Gil all the time that he needed, but not at the cost of his sanity.

 

"Gil, I can't go through something like this again. I need to know that you are there for me, that I can rely on you to talk to me..."

 

His voice faded and trembled as tears and anger battled in him. He swallowed and continued harsher.

 

"... You just shut me out. Do you have any idea how I felt, how I still feel? I needed you Gil..."

 

He broke down then, the memory of Gil's rejection, the constant replay of the moment when he had shot the criminal, the tension of the last couple of minutes... It all got too much and he looked at his lover with tears in his eyes as he screamed at him.

 

"I needed you, needed you to hold me and be there, but you... you just hid away, as if you didn't care. Why weren't you there? Why did I have to deal with this alone?"

 

The last word echoed from the walls giving a strangely fitting background noise to the silent sobs that shook Nick's body. He felt tired and cold, all the fight had left him and all he felt was alone, lonely. Gil was sitting next to him, but at the same time he could have been miles away. The distance didn't matter, what mattered was that he was alone.

 

"Nicky..."

 

Strong arms wrapped themselves around him and he felt warmth seeping through his clothing as he was drawn against Gil's body. He felt the soft hands caress his back, while Gil's lips kissed his forehead and his eyes.

 

"I made so many mistakes; I hurt you so badly... But I do love you, please don't... don't give up on us, please teach me how to be worthy of you."

 

He heard the words but they didn't make sense only served to confuse him more. How could it be that Gil though he, Gil Grissom, wasn't worthy enough for Nick? A shiver ran through him at that though.

 

"You're all I ever wanted, Gil, you are worthy of me... It's me who's not..."

 

Gil's lips stopped him from saying it, the kiss was chaste and tender not meant to arouse but to soothe and the emotions behind it made him tear up again.

 

"I know that you would never cheat on me, I let my insecurities blind me, but I think I'm cured now. Nick, I almost lost you because I was an idiot..."

 

Fear was suddenly present in Gil's eyes and Nick realized what his lover thought. For a moment he was tempted to let him suffer for a bit, but then his heart won out and he reached up to caress the unshaven face.

 

"You can't lose me Gil not unless you tell me to get lost."

 

He hated the tremor that accompanied the last couple of words, but Gil shook his head and covered his hand softly.

 

"Never again, I promise."

 

Relief flooded him, made him boneless and he let himself be held by Gil's stronger body. Slowly, gently his lover moved him so that they both were looking over the wide open area and for a long time they just observed the scenery.

 

"Gil, the shooting... I killed a man..."

 

He felt his lover's arms tense at those words, but soon enough the grip relaxed again as Gil kissed his neck tenderly before he answered.

 

"You had no choice; it wasn't your mistake..."

 

The soft voice soothed him, yet he still felt guilty and maybe Gil could feel it too because he continued after a while.

 

"... I never had to shoot someone, but Cat did. Talk to her, she will understand better."

 

For a moment they were silent, and then Gil suddenly chuckled.

 

"I'm doing it again... You don't have to talk to Cat, you can talk to me, whenever you want or need to talk. I'm here for you; I will listen and try to understand."

 

Nick felt tears in his eyes again at those softly spoken words and the true love behind them. He snuggled a bit closer into the hug and closed his eyes forgetting the things that had happened for a moment and letting himself draw strength from his lover. A though occurred him and he straightened.

 

"Gil why did you bring my paraglider?"

 

To his surprise Gil blushed and shrugged, his eyes though were very serious.

 

"I trust you Nick and I never gave you enough credit for what you are and want in our relationship. You love flying and you gave it up for me. It wasn't fair to ask this of you, so I thought that instead of asking you to stop, I could just ask you to take me with you..."

 

Somehow he couldn't believe what he had heard and slightly hesitant he looked at Gil.

 

"But you are afraid of paragliding."

 

Gil's hand forced him to look up and as their eyes met, Nick was taken aback by the honesty and love in the blue eyes.

 

"I won't be, if I am with you."

 

Softly gently Gil leaned in and kissed him.

 

"I trust you with my life and my heart."

 

Nick smiled and this time he knew that his smile showed all the joy, relief and love he felt. Grabbing the bag pack he got up and started preparing the glider and the equipment. Carefully he showed Gil how to put on the helmet, the safety seat etc. And then they stood at the start together, Gil in front of Nick, secured against his body connected by strings and emotions. Two, three steps and glider was soaring, four, five steps and they went over the edge. Nick heard the gasp as Gil realized that they were really flying and felt the adrenaline pump in his veins.

 

"I love you."

 

Nick was soaring, felt as if he would have been able to fly without a glider. He was still accused of negligence, had still a battle ahead once he was back on the ground. But he had Gil on his side, Gil's trust and heart.

 

It would be enough to win, Nick was sure of that.

 

---

 

*Chapter 6*

 

Gil could feel the tension in Nick as they drove towards the lab the next morning. They had come back from flying yesterday, had gone home after landing safely and softly in the designated parking area and finally they had talked about the shooting and the harassment that Nick had experienced on the job ever since they had been outed by Lower.

 

It had made Gil tremble with anger and rage. Silently he had promised Nick that he would never ever be so negligent about the things in the lab and had vowed to make it up to his lover, loudly he had assured the younger man that it wasn't his fault and that everyone believed him.

 

"I'm scared"

 

Carefully watching the street, Gil quickly squeezed Nick's hand and lifted it to his lips.

 

"There is nothing you have to be scared about. Jim will soon wake up and clear you. And I would bet anything, that even without Brass you'd be cleared by Ecklie."

 

The last words he said slightly grumpy and Nick's chuckle told him that he had heard. Then slowly almost contemplatively, Nick spoke again.

 

"He's changed a lot, hasn't he? I mean from wanting to frame me for Kristy's murder to this now? He's doing like everything to help me."

 

Something in the way he said 'help me' triggered a memory in his mind and he remembered something that Sara had said yesterday or more accurately yelled.

 

He said he was not worth it.

 

At the time when she had told him this, he had been too focused on everything else to listen carefully, but now together with the confusion about Ecklie helping him, the memory had come back and some kind of warning lamp started blinking in Gil's mind. Nick was everything he had always dreamed off, he was handsome, intelligent, kind and utterly charming.

 

How could his lover have such a low self esteem?

 

For a moment Gil thought about asking, yet right at that moment, he felt Nick's hand tense in his as he turned into the parking area of the lab. And with a sigh he decided to wait, this night would get painful enough for Nick without him questioning his psyche.

 

"At least it's weekend after tonight."

 

Not only weekend, Gil thought and with a spur of the moment decision so out of character for him he turned towards Nick and looked intensively at his lover.

 

"You remember what I promised you when you had to remain inside because of Lower?"

 

Nick looked at him, one eyebrow drawn up higher, then his eyes lit up and he smiled.

 

“You rambled about Iceland and how beautiful this place is...”

 

Gil smiled as he heard the disbelief in Nick’s voice. His lover was a typical Southerner, someone who found snow suspicious and winter something that happened to other people.

 

“And I promised you to take you there...”

 

He saw the moment when Nick understood and with a shiver he silently thanked the powers to be that he hadn’t lost Nick due to his stupidity.

 

"You don't have to..."

 

Nick trailed off as Gil put a finger on his lips and with a smile Gil answered.

 

"No I don't have to, but I want ok?"

 

He saw the joy in Nick's eyes and knew that for once he had done something right. Still smiling he leaned in and kissed his lover quickly tenderly.

 

"You deserve to be spoiled."

 

He saw the shock in Nick's eyes and promised himself to find out what made Nick think that he didn't deserve happiness.

 

In Iceland, he thought, he would ask once they were there.

 

---

 

"Stokes get in here please!"

 

He saw how Nick tensed and almost visibly shrunk at the harsh words and for a moment Ecklie hated himself for them. On the other hand it would help neither him nor Nick, if he changed his behaviour, especially now that Nick was accused of killing someone.

 

Wearily he watched as Grissom quickly squeezed Nick's hand in encouragement and then walked past him with a clear warning in the blue eyes.

 

Touch him, harm him and you will find out how good I am in hiding a body... that was the statement he read in them when Grissom looked at him. He barely suppressed a smile, Conrad didn't like Grissom. It had nothing or not as much to do with competitiveness as everyone thought. No, it had been something else, Grissom’s seemingly emotionless way of living had reminded him too much of his former superiors. But then the Lower case had happened and he had seen past the cold mask of indifference, past the Teflon surface and found a human being. He still wouldn't call the other CSI a good friend, but he grudgingly accepted the fact that Grissom wasn't as bad as he had thought.

 

Although of course he would never ever say that loud. He had a reputation to uphold afterall.

 

"Why did you want to see me?"

 

Stokes had braced himself for the worst and Ecklie could literally see the walls the younger man had built. Closing the door and the blinds he pointed towards the chair.

 

"How are you holding up?"

 

The surprise on Nick's face hurt somehow and at the same time it almost made him smile. For moment he saw the other man hesitate, and then he shrugged.

 

"I know that I didn't do anything wrong..."

 

It should have sounded easy, careless, but Stokes didn't manage to pull it off, instead he sounded scared and there was a tremor in his voice that Ecklie knew only too well.

 

"Brass is expected to wake up later tonight and I'm sure once he confirms your story, everything will be ok. But I'm not asking because of the accusations..."

 

He faltered for a moment, not knowing how to address the issue without sounding like an idiot or worse like a heartless bastard. Conrad sighed as he saw the confusion once again in Nick's eyes and decided that he had been looking like a bastard for longer than he cared thinking about, so he might as well act like one.

 

"You shot a man yesterday."

 

Stokes jerked back as if he had been shot too and to Ecklie's dismay a shiver went through his body. The eyes that fixed him, held guilt and remorse mixed with a good portion of anger.

 

"No need to rub it in Ecklie."

 

Ecklie contemplated his next words and finally decided that the harsh truth was probably the best way to deal with it.

 

"A couple of days ago you came to see me because of what happened with Lower, you remember what I asked you then?"

 

He saw when memory hit the younger CSI and Stokes paled before he almost whispered.

 

"Whether I ever killed a man"

 

Again there was anger battling with guilt in the expressive eyes and for a second Conrad wondered if it would be better if he stoked the anger, but he knew from experience that pushing the guilt away would not make it go away and so he calmly spoke on.

 

"You have now"

 

Stokes jumped up angrily, but Ecklie just held up a hand and looked at him coldly. Nick didn't sit down, but he gazed at him silently.

 

"And what I want you to know is that if you ever need someone to talk about, my door is always open."

 

It was as if even the last bit of strength left Nick at those friendly, concerned words, he sat down heavily and for a moment hid his face in his hands. When he looked up again Conrad saw that his eyes were dry but only barely so.

 

"Why are so friendly? Why do you care this much?"

 

How should he explain this without exposing things that he hadn't even admitted to himself? It was Ecklie's turn to look at his hands. There was a small scar in his palm insignificant for those that didn't know, telling and damning to those that did.

 

"Look, I... I don't pretend to be your friend or anything like that, but in this department there are few that have ever shot someone, I know that Grissom rarely even carries his weapon and Willows, look, she has shot someone, but she's not..."

 

How to say it without insulting Willows and thus angering Stokes?

 

"She's a woman"

 

Stokes said it lightly and as Ecklie looked up he saw that Stokes was smiling. Then their eyes met and Conrad shivered as he saw a deep understanding there.

 

“She is...”

 

Again there was silence in the room, then Ecklie felt the dark eyes on him again.

 

“It’s not my business, but I never heard that you shot someone...”

 

Conrad sighed, but he knew that he would never tell this young man the truth. Stokes was too young, too good to understand him and so he just answered shortly and with a final undertone.

 

“Before Vegas”

 

Stokes nodded and closed his eyes for a second, when he opened them again there was genuine interest and something like concern in the dark eyes.

 

"Tell me something, if I were involved with Sara or Cat, would you defend us like this too?"

 

Conrad's breath caught at the question and the implications.

 

"If you were seeing either of them, you wouldn't have some of those problems. I don't deal well with intolerance so there you go..."

 

Their eyes met again and Nick smiled as if he had seen his answer, as if he had understood what Ecklie hadn't said and he nodded silently.

 

"We're going to Iceland for the long weekend, I'm not sure maybe just getting away will help me forget. But I..." Stokes' voice faltered for a moment. "...if your offer still stands after that, I might take you up on it."

 

The carefully chosen words made him smile, he recognized the battle between wanting to reach out for help and pride holding Stokes back. Ecklie got up and smiled at the younger CSI.

 

"There is no time limit, Stokes, a helping hand doesn't expire."

 

The smile that crossed the handsome face was blinding and then Stokes was gone. Conrad watched him walk down towards the locker room until he disappeared from his view. Only then did he sit down and looked at the chair where Stokes had been sitting only seconds ago.

 

"There is no time limit to my offer, just as there is none on the nightmares."

 

His words were mere whispers, but they seemed strangely loud in the empty room. For a moment, Ecklie sat still, and then his mobile rang and shattered the tension and silence.

 

Seconds later, Ecklie knocked at Grissom's door.

 

"If you see Stokes, tell him that Brass is awake and that I'm on my way to him."

 

Grissom looked at him intently and then nodded.

 

"Thanks"

 

And somehow Conrad knew that Grissom was thanking him for more than just this simple information.

 

---

 

The first thing Brass noted when he woke up was the silence, compared to the loudness of the shots that had accompanied his last thoughts before he slipped into unconsciousness this was wonderful. He stretched or better tried to stretch and groaned as pain shot through his body.

 

“Don’t move your body is still weak and recuperating.”

 

He groaned again and looked at the doctor, she was pretty he noted and wondered if it was a sign that he was getting old, when the doctors that treated him started to look as young as his own daughter.

 

“How long have I been lying here?”

 

She smiled at this question and handed him some ice chips to soothe his throat, before she answered with the same friendly but somehow indifferent voice.

 

 

“Two days, how are you feeling?”

 

He endured the endless questions and let out a relieved breath when she disappeared and a young nurse entered his room to move him from the ICU to a normal one.

 

“Good to see that you are awake Mr. Brass, your friend has been awfully worried about you.”

 

His friend? Jim frowned at the comment, he had friends of course he did, but none of them were likely to visit him in the hospital often enough to give an impression of being awfully worried. He shrugged and moved back while the nurse prepared everything for him.

 

“There you are dear, do you have a wish or is there anything you need?”

 

Jim felt tired although he’d only just woken up and with a smile he thanked her. She blushed, smiled and left.

 

Finally alone...

 

They had told him that he’d been shot twice once in his shoulder and once in his chest. He could feel his shoulder throbbing and twisted in his bed in order to take some of the pressure away. The pain shooting through his body made him gasp and he shivered as the hurt brought memories with it. Memories of lying on the floor helpless and in pain, of staring at the drugged young man pointing the gun at him and Jim shivered with fear as he realized once again how damn close to dying he’d come.

 

“Brass, they told me that you are awake...”

 

The words didn’t really register in his mind and he was shocked when strong hands restrained him, prevented him from moving and hurting himself further.

 

“Stop it; you’re just going to hurt yourself worse.”

 

This time the words came through his dazed mind and Jim looked up in shock. Conrad Ecklie was holding him still, his eyes concerned and warm. For a moment they just stared at each other until Ecklie broke the gaze and spoke hoarsely.

 

“Jim, are you ok?”

 

Reality came back and with it the embarrassment of having lost control like this. Brass nodded sharply and felt relieved and disappointed at the same time, when Ecklie released his hold and moved back to sit next to the bed.

 

“Do you want something to drink?”

 

The CSI just shook his head and waited until Jim had finished his glass of water. The cold liquid did wonders to his composure and calm again he looked at Ecklie.

 

“How can I help you?”

 

The other man seemed to have been in deep thoughts and started at the question. Then almost as if he was bracing himself, he took a deep breath and turned towards his kit. Frowning Brass watched how Ecklie fished a small tape recorder and put it onto the table.

 

“I’m investigating your crime scene.”

 

That didn’t make sense and Brass shook his head in confusion. He had been working with Nick so why was Ecklie...? A sudden, horrible thought filled him with dread. He hadn’t thought about the CSI, his last memory was of the younger man kneeling next to him, pressing his shirt against Brass’ wound. Had something happened afterwards?

 

“Nick? Is he...?”

 

Conrad looked up and for a moment, Brass saw a deep emotion in the hard eyes before it was gone and Ecklie answered softly.

 

“He’s ok, nothing happened to him. Do you remember what happened exactly?”

 

Did he? Jim closed his eyes and saw the junkie stand in front of him, saw the gun pointed at him, heard the shot and felt at the same time the incredible pain... He swallowed hard and forced the thoughts back before he looked again at Ecklie.

 

“Yes, I do”

 

The CSI seemed to literally slump with relief as a tension that Brass hadn’t even been aware of drained out of his body. Confusion was audible in Brass’ voice as he queried the other man’s weird behaviour.

 

“Conrad, what is going on that you don’t tell me?”

 

Ecklie didn’t look at him, stared at some point on the white bedding and as he stared to speak his voice trembled with suppressed anger.

 

“The two uniforms that were at the scene accused Stokes of negligence and homicide.”

 

If the dayshift supervisor had hit him with his fist, the impact couldn’t have been worse. It took Brass almost a minute to understand the words and less than a second to understand the meaning. He closed his eyes in despair at the hatred and bigotry that seemed to prevail in his department.

 

“They gave a statement, that Stokes never asked whether the house was cleared, that he never called for back up and finally they claim to have seen how he shot the perp in cold blood.”

 

Every single word cut him like a knife until he felt as if he were bleeding from multiple wounds. Nick, always Nick... Couldn’t they give the younger CSI a break?

 

“I have enough evidence to contradict them on the account of Stokes shooting in cold blood and I have the call for back up on tape, but I don’t have anything that proves he asked about the go ahead of the house and mostly I don’t have enough to get those assholes kicked out of the forces for slander.”

 

Brass understood what Ecklie wanted and after the CSI had installed the tape recorder he started to give his account of the shooting. While he talked he felt as if he were talking about someone else, heard himself monotonously explain what had happened from the moment Nick had walked into the crime scene to the moment when the young CSI had shot the junkie to save Brass’ life.

 

When he was finished, silence once again fell between them. Brass didn’t know if there was something else he had to say, waited for Ecklie to ask him more details, yet the other man just stared at the small recorder.

 

“It was a close call.”

 

The words sounded casual, but the way Ecklie said it, it was clear that he didn’t feel casual at all about it. He still didn’t look at Brass, still avoided his eyes and slowly his impatience got the better of the Captain, he took a deep breath to rant about annoying CSI’s when Ecklie got up without warning and grabbed his kit.

 

“I have to go and hand this in, get Stokes officially cleared.”

 

It seemed to Jim as if Ecklie was running out of his room and with a heavy sigh he lay back in his bed. Ecklie obviously blamed him for what happened to Nick and in some way he was right in doing so. It were his people that had acted like this and he had done nothing to prevent it.

 

Thoughts were whirling around in his head, pain and sadness mingled with tiredness but the dominating emotion was anger. Some of his men had tried to frame Nick for a crime just because he loved a man, Jim’s hands balled to fists and his entire body tensed as he tried to keep himself from destroying something.

 

---

 

Nick couldn’t help it, he felt as if everyone was staring at him, felt as if they all whispered behind his back as soon as he had walked past an office.

 

‘Convicted without a trail’

 

He finally understood the phrase and although he had expected it, it still hurt. Hurt just like all those snide remarks about him and Gil had hurt, all those little snippets that suggested he was worth less than others because he loved a man, all those comments about how sleeping with his boss was helping his career. Nick had no illusions about people; he knew there were many that had problems with the thought of a homosexual relationship and all those would silently or loudly cheer if he were to fall.

 

“Stokes?”

 

Ecklie’s voice resonated through the corridor and the neighbouring labs. Nick hesitated, but waited nonetheless. He still wasn’t used to Ecklie’s new attitude towards him, simply didn’t know how to interact with a Conrad Ecklie who wasn’t an asshole. The dayshift supervisor came up to him and smiled. Handing him his badge and gun back, he announced loud enough for everyone to hear.

 

“You’ve been cleared. Brass confirmed everything you’ve said and we recreated the scene to prove you shot in defence.”

 

His knees were suddenly weak and Nick swayed for a moment. Before he could recover he had an armful of Greg who hugged him fiercely and together they stumbled until a wall gave them some kind of support. Like Ecklie before he proclaimed loudly.

 

“See I told you and all those that didn’t believe you are just idiots.”

 

A smile crept over Ecklie’s face and Nick felt gratitude and relief make his eyes tear up. It was clear what the two men did and he realized that Ecklie had purposely chosen such a public place to give him his gun and badge back.

 

“The DA will open a case against the two cops on the grounds of false accusations and negligence leading to homicide.”

 

From the corner of his eyes Nick saw Warrick and Cat approach him with huge smiles on their faces. Then he was suddenly moved away from Greg and drawn against a strong body. For a moment he let himself rest against his lover, let Gil support him, then he straightened and fixed Ecklie.

 

“Thanks”

 

The other man shook his head and as he spoke, his voice was once again louder than necessary.

 

“No need to thank me Stokes, it’s time those bigots in law enforcement realize that they won’t get away with their crimes.”

 

Without saying anything else Ecklie turned and walked away. Nick was still slightly leaning against Gil, his knees still weak from both relief and gratitude. Ecklie had been the last person he’d ever expected to be supportive and with a smile he watched as Warrick’s eyes followed the dayshift supervisor.

 

“He’s still an idiot, but at least he’s an idiot on the right side.”

 

They all grinned, Gill released Nick and quickly squeezed his lover’s hand.

 

“Amen”

 

---