This book is dedicated to my Guru,

                                 DaDa

Ragamananda.

                  

I also dedicated to all the

courageous people who suffer from drug and

alcohol addiction.

 

 I also dedicate this book to those

mentally ill children and adults who must

endure the inhuman treatment placed upon

them by the pharmaceutical corporations.

 

I also dedicate this book to all

victims of racial injustice. And of course

to all children who are or who have been

victim to child abuse of all types.

 

I also dedicate this book to all

indigenous peoples of the planet who

struggle against tyranny in all its forms,

even in this so-called age of enlightenment.

 

I also dedicate this book and my life

to all the beings who have no voice but who

are exploited every moment of their lives

for the ignorance and perpetuation of the

human ego.

 

This book is a collection of

paragraphs and artwork. Written and drawn by

hand by Pascal Wilson (Ompascalji). This is

about a spiritual journey and the story of

my struggle with drug addiction. Some of the

paragraphs are letters sent to family and

others are papers I wrote when I was in

college. My intent for this book, is to be a

tool and guide to anyone who reads it. This

is only one persons perception of this

reality and it is in no way meant to put

blame or to put anyone down. It is only a

way for me to share with you the reader, a

part of my journey in this life.

 

 

 

                    

 

                    A Brief Description of

the Author.

My birth name is Pascal Clere (which

means  "peace light" in French), I was born

on June 6 1962 in Dijon France. My mothers

name is Germaine and I never knew my real

father. All I know is that he was an

American soldier who was stationed in France

before the expulsion of the American

military from French soil. My mother then

met her husband, which she is still married

with, who is African American. We migrated

to Germany to live on an American Air Force

base in Berlin Germany and then after

several years we migrated to the United

States in 1972. We lived in Fort Wayne

Indiana where my stepfather went to college

for chemical engineering. Upon his

graduation we moved to Delaware, where my

family still lives.

I had problems with racial

inequalities due to my family being racially

mixed which started in Fort Wayne Indiana,

from my African American peers and then from

my Caucasian peers. Which had a huge impact

on my well being which eventually led to my

breakdown of my mental well being. And so at

the age of fifteen I was institutionalized

for my trying to commit suicide, after

several years of pharmaceutical

experimentation by the various so-called

doctors, I was found to be sub-genius and

that the suicide attempts were partially due

to abuse suffered by both my parents (who

were very violent especially my step father)

and my peers. One day out of desperation I

begged an army recruiter to enlist me into

active duty. And so on September 19 1979 I

was enlisted into the U.S. Army active duty

at Fort Dix New Jersey.

I served in the military for 2 ½

years and received an Honorable Discharge.

I came back home to Delaware to

struggle through an alcohol addiction and

many failed attempts to hold employment. I

was admitted into several treatment centers

and was eventually freed from the grips of

the addiction but found my self with a new

addiction, which was with me most of my

life, the addiction to marijuana.

After even more failed attempts to

being able to hold employment I moved to

Boulder Colorado where I took on the 15 year

occupation of poverty and homelessness.

Which led me to situations, which only added

to my dysfunctional behavior, such as going

onto Grateful Dead Tour to sell drugs to

make a living. Which led to my incarceration

in 1989 in California for the sale of LSD to

an undercover police officer. I was released

with time served two months later (God was

watching over me). Only to move to Santa

Cruz California to live in a tool shed and

collect food stamps. This did not last and I

eventually found my self, back on Dead Tour

back to selling drugs for a living. One day

at a show at Stanford University I was

almost busted by the police for sales of

drugs but my legs were faster than theirs

and I escaped. From that point on I stopped

selling drugs and moved back to Colorado and

built my self a cabin in a remote location

near the town of Ward at 9300 feet

elevation.

And began to write and reflect. Also

I must add that my addiction and its

negative effects on my proper judgment also

led me to be involved in a road rage

incident in Colorado in 1995. Where I left

the scene of an accident after side swiping

a group of bicyclists who were partially

wrong. They would not let me by so I went

anyway which cause one of them to lose

control and take a spill at 20 mph. But

being stoned at the time of the incident, I

panicked and so I left the scene of the

accident. And was later captured and I

served three years for vehicular assault. If

I were not under the influence of marijuana

I would have not panicked. But panicking was

one of the effects marijuana had on me, and

my ego would justify it by saying the panic

attacks I suffered were only keeping me safe

so I was fooled into believing that

marijuana use was helping me.

The book has the rest, please enjoy

this book, may it help you the reader avoid

the devastating aspects of drug use and the

over bearing and often misleading negative

influences of the drug culture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is not what it seems to be. It's

not so bad, it could be worst, the greatest

of realizations: you are I and I am you! You

don't realize what you know; this is the

perfect mystery we know as life within us we

hold all wisdom and knowledge. Our minds are

as infinite as the Universe.

Many years ago I went on a vision

quest because I kept getting the feeling

that there was a lot more to this life than

I had been led to believe. There had to be

more purpose to my life than the same old

story of grow up; to get this so called

career, get married, have kids, work your

butt off, grow old and deeper into debt and

eventually die. I just could never accept

this fate as being the reason for my birth

into this life, there had to be a much

deeper meaning and some how I felt that it

was up to me to find it through my own

experiences that life is meant to show us.

At the time of my vision quest I had been

living in the mountains of Colorado near the

town of Boulder. I had moved there after

having given up on trying to live the so-

called normal life, trying to survive

paycheck to pay check.

I also had recently had my sleeping

eyes opened wide. To see that the uneasy

feeling of either me being screwed up, or

the world around me being lost in a down

ward spiral into the quickly approaching end

of life as we know it. Was not just paranoia

or insanity I had realized that I was fine

and quite sane at least I was starting to

question my situation and purpose. So I

began my re-education. This proved to be

quite a task; I literally had to relearn

every thing I had been taught in my

childhood. I began to absorb literally a new

way of perceiving reality. Once I began to

relearn and really grasp the truth, of how

humanity is poised on wanting to exploit the

natural world, all the way to the point of

mass extinction of countless numbers of

known and unknown species of life. I

realized that I had stepped onto a path that

would be quite a challenge and a lot of it

would be with my own ego. Having to relearn

all aspects of what I had been taught by the

conventional world. All of this destruction

in the name of so-called human

progress/evolution is quite an arrogant

notion. I found myself becoming very angry

and resentful towards humanity. Especially

with that part of humanity that was in

absolute support of the complete

exploitation of the natural world for this

so-called evolution of the human beings,

this arrogance was the real problem; I was

starting to become aware of. Couldn't they

see what we the newest generation of

visionaries were seeing, were the ordinary

people and industrialists that blinded by

what I had learned to be outright arrogance

and complete disregard for the very sanctity

of life it's self? Were we alone in seeing

this? At times like these I would get very

frustrated and feel abandoned by the

ordinary world and utterly alone. But most

of all, I felt completely misunderstood and

thought that maybe I was taking life too

seriously. Was I being foolish for feeling

so passionate about what I was becoming

aware? Was I going crazy or being foolish

for even taking the time and energy to

consider the well being of other life forms,

other than our so-called precious humanity?

I did know that deep down in the core of my

being, for me to care for the natural world

was the greatest virtue and sense of

connection a human being could feel. To know

this in the center of my being, gave me the

much needed energy, internal reassurance and

grounding to not give up on this journey I

had just begun. I knew it was not going to

be easy and that most people would respond

with the usual confused and apathetic

response caused by fear of the unknown. I

could already begin to notice this whenever

the truth was spoken around those that were

still very much "asleep at the wheel" allot

of negative vibes would be thrown in my

direction. The last thing a person wants to

hear is that their reality is coming into a

serious inquiry as to it's validity and

overall relation to everything that is life

how and what it's effect is to the totality

of life and everything that exists. A large

number of our human population takes it all

for granted we fail to question the validity

or logic of the very foundation of the

system, which runs the current human

endeavor. Those that have never known any

thing different then the same old everyday

ideology that one had to exploit or be

exploited to survive. They never actually

looked at this ideology of exploitation. As

I began to educate myself of the true

reality, the more I realized that I was

reaching a sort of stalemate. I had reached

a point where the more I looked for truth

from my human environment the more I instead

found a lot of anger and confusion. I began

to find that I had to look to a different

source of knowledge and truth.

This eventually led me to that point

in my life when I found my self seeking

answers from a source greater than the

ordinary world. Something I had learned from

my greatest teachers, the true Native

Peoples of this land known as Turtle Island

(The Native American Nation). This was where

I had sought a vast amount of the knowledge

from which I had to learn in order to be

able to find the answers to the many

unanswered questions that had arisen, every

time I asked a question instead of finding

an answer I found more questions. I soon

realized that maybe I was seeking answers

from the wrong source. I should have been

asking the Great Spirit instead, seeing how

the Native Peoples had learned so much from

this "Great Spirit".

 I knew what I had to do; I had to go

on a vision quest. I had to ask this Great

Spirit the many questions for which there

had been no answers only many more

questions. When I had my vision, it was in

the form of a dream. In this dream I met

this man who had been my self in the future

living in Oregon. At first I did not realize

this I only saw this man as my spirit guide,

and so he took me on a journey. First we

went to a place where there were some men

sitting around a fire. One man had his leg

all bandaged up and he told me of a time

when all was pure, when there wasn't any

pollution. A time long ago when the rain

would fall and cleanse the land and air. But

now that the men had dug up the Earth and

had taken away all the Earth's vital energy

the earth became ill. As he spoke I could

see that all around me were deep pits and

tailing piles, and the water that lay around

in deep pools was still as death. The water

was colors of green and red like blood. The

man told me that once the men came and took

away the life force of the Earth it stopped

raining and that much like his leg the land

and air lost it's life and that it has been

negative from there. Then my guide took me

to a place, which was very green and rich

with life and energy. In this place the

trees were big, there was moss everywhere

and it was raining, this place was teaming

with life and I felt so good especially

after being in a place like that horrible

place where the man had his leg rotting. No

this new place was pure and very much alive

filled with the sound of birds and the

cleansing and nourishing rain.

 Right then the spirit guide told me

to go to the place where the rain never

stops falling and that in this place the

answers I was seeking would be revealed. So

a month later I packed what few possessions

I had into my pack, said good-bye to those

beautiful mountains of Colorado and set off

on my journey. My canine companion "Simon"

and I hitched a ride to the only place I

knew where the rain seems to never stop

falling, Oregon. And so as life is the