Speaking_Secrets

Contents

1 Toastmasters Manuals

Adv Proj
Speak to
2 To Entertain
3 Humorously
4 Speak to Inform
5 Inspire
6 SpecialOccasion
7 Story Telling

TableTopics

8 Impromptu Speech

Evaluation

9 Speech Eval
10 Language Eval
11 General Eval

Judging
Judge Eval
Judge Humor
Judge Interna
Judge TT
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Successful Club Series

1 Moments of Truth

2 Finding New Members for Your Club

3 Evaluate to Motivate

4 Closing the Sale
5 Creating the Best Club Climate

6 Meeting Roles & Responsibilities

7 Mentoring

8 Keeping the Commitment

9 Going Beyond Our club

10 How to build a distinguished club
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Better Speaker Series (Adv-S)

1 Beginning your Speech

2 Concluding your Speech

3 Take the terror out of a Talk

4 Impromptu Speaking

5 Selecting Your Topic

6 Know Your Audience

7 Organizing Your Speech

8 Creating an Intro

9 Preparation & Practice

10 Using your body
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Leadership

My Competent Leader Project | Club Mentoring** | Leadership Opportunity | Education Pgm | Start a Club | All Posters.com | ScreenBeans |
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Speech Tips

Speech Structure | Speech Delivery | Speech Humor | Contest | Speechcraft | Nine 1st Million story | Stories & Articles | Speechtips.com | Soyouwanna | AdvPublicSpeaking | PersuasiveSpeeches | InformativeSpeechTips | StoryTelling | PublicSpeakingWebsite |

Speech Topics
SpeechTopics | HelpWithSpeechTopics | InformativeSpeechTopics | Info2 | Info3
| PersuasiveSpeechTopics | ImpromptuSpeechTopics | PersonalTopics | SpeechTopicsResources | UOFSpeechTopics | Miltcolib.com | AmbroseLibrary | CurrentSpeechTopics | SocialScienceTopics | FirstMatterSpeechTopics Google | Yahoo |

Online Speeches
History Channel Speeches | SpeechNet | OnlineSpeechBank | HistoryPlaceSpeeches | Vincent Voice Library | HistoryPoliticsOutLoud | DailyWav | Mandela Page | Time100Leader | PBS_GreatAmericanSpeeches |

Rhetorical Devices
"Rhetoric is the art of speaking well."
HandbookRhetorical Devices | AmericanRhetoricAudio | RhetoricalDevices | Metaphor | Simile | Figure of Speech | Euphemism | Parable | Pun | Proverb | Idiom | Fable |
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Humorously Speaking (Adv Manual)

#1 - Warm Up Your Audience
Time: 5 - 7 minutes
Objectives:
1 Prepare a speech that opens with a humorous story.
2 Personalize the story.
3 Deliver the story smoothly and effectively.

#2 - Leave Them With A Smile
Time: 5 - 7 minutes
Objectives:
1 Prepare a serious speech that opens and closes with humorous stories.
2 Prepare a closing story that reemphasizes the speech's main point.
3 Deliver the stories smoothly and effectively.

#3 - Make Them Laugh
Time: 5 - 7 minutes
Objectives:
1 Prepare a speech that opens and closes with humorous stories.
2 Include jokes in the speech body to illustrate points or maintain audience interest.
3 Deliver the jokes and stories smoothly and effectively.

#4 - Keep Them Laughing
Time: 5 - 7 minutes
Objectives:
1 Prepare a speech that opens with a self-depreciating joke. 2 String together two or three related jokes in the speech body.
3 Close the speech with a humorous story.

#5 - The Humorous Speech
Time: 5 - 7 minutes
Objectives:
1 Use exaggeration to tell a humorous story.
2 Entertain the audience.
3 Effectively use body language and voice to enhance the story.

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Jokes

BARKING DOG
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up after you let him in.

FACTS OF LIFE
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

PULLED OVER
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

NO ASS
Q: What do you call a woman without an ass?
A: Divorced.

BROKEN
A young blonde girl was telling her friend about her sex life, and says, "Oh, my god, it was really great with Todd, but I was so nervous after his condom broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened?" asks her girlfriend. "I didn't know what I was going to do," says the blonde, "But I finally managed to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

FIRST EXAM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."

SHORT ARM
Q: What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

FOOT DOCTOR
A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

JEWISH HUSBAND
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play. The boy's father asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

SWEAT
A man and his wife are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?"

WE ARE EMBARRASSED TO PUBLISH THIS JOKE
A Chinese couple gets married, and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My daring," he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan...numba 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You wan...beef with brocceri?"

ROLLING AROUND
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

READY FOR VACATION
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

FIXING THE WATCH
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

DIFFERENT
The difference between men and women is that a woman wants one man to satisfy her every need, and a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

WON'T GO AWAY
A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section. The lady there asks if she might help him. He asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist. The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir, I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds." The guy is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his rather stiff member. He then says, "What can you give me for this?" The woman says, "How long has it been that way?" The man responds, "Almost three days." The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and I'll be right back. She leaves and returns in a few minutes. The man asks, "What did you decide?" She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the drug store."

PEEPING TOM
Bob told his friend, "My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" asked his friend. "No," said Bob. "That's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No," said Bob. "She got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."

BAGPIPE
Q: What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?
A: With a pitchfork.

PREGNANT
"Oh, Mom!" sobbed Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What? How could you?" screamed the mother, "And just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

FRIDGE
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on the cucumbers.

BIKER BAR
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"

SOMETHING CLEVER
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..."

FUNNY PEOPLE
Some people are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

NEWBORN
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83-years-old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep," says Slim. "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

SMART
Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?
A: No blondes.

BROTHEL STOP
A trucker who's been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

BOSSES
Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top they become asses.

HIGH TECH GUY
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers like a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible," he says, "I would never have believed it." "Yeah," said the man, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The man goes in and 20 minutes pass and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, and given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes to check on him. The bartender finds the guy spread eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear. "Oh, no!" said the bartender, "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The man casually turns around and says, "No, I'm just waiting for a fax."

WHINING
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

THE DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker? The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

CROSSING THE ROAD
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Why do women do ANYTHING?

CAT ATTACK
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

PRAYING
Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious.

NEW HUSBAND, NEW DOG
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

BIRTHDAY CERTIFICATE
There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The guy said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it," says his friend. "She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

GET MY BROKER
After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive, trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"

EITHER SIDE
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: A translator.

NEWS BULLETIN
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his pal. "My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin," said Frank. "Why's that?" asked Chris. Frank took a deep breath and said, "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

BEHAVE
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

MATH TERMS
One day, a teacher told her students to come up with a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was up, she called on Johnny, who said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply."

HEAD OUT
Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
A: Refueling.

SEATTLE BOY
A seven-year-old Seattle boy was at the center of a courtroom drama recently when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the child. The boy has had a history of being beaten by his parents, so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Seattle Seahawks as the boy firmly believes they are not capable of beating anyone.

LOBSTER THERMIDOR
Q: What do oral sex and Lobster Thermidor have in common?
A: You can't get either at home.

MAGAZINES
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why's that?" Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

7-11
Q: Why is sex with your wife like a 7-11 store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at 3:00 in the morning?

VARIETY
Fred tells his buddy, "Truth be told, I'm bored with my woman, with the same old sex night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering for a bit of variety." His friend Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?" Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

DIVORCED REDNECK
Q: Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
A: He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.

SIX FLOORS
A store that sells wives opens where a man may go to choose a wife from among many women. The store has six floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building�no stopping on any lower floors. A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor, the women have jobs. The man reads the sign and says, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So, up he goes. On the second floor, the women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good-looking. "Hm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "Very tempting. But there must be more, much more, further up!" He heads up another flight. On the fifth floor, the women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking, do all the housework and don't complain or nag about anything. "Hot damn! How close to perfect can you get?" the man says. "But just think what must be awaiting me on the final floor." So, up to the sixth floor he goes. The sixth floor has a sign that reads: You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.

DADDY'S FACTORY
Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday." Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

INTERCOURSE
When you're in love, intercourse is called "making love." When it's lust, intercourse is called "screwing." When it's marriage, intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

AT THE BIRTH
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

SPECIAL SANDALS
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say, "Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So, the couple walked in. The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on dee wrong feet, mon, you got dem on the dee wrong feet!"

FAILED ENGINES
There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About an hour into the flight, the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about 15 minutes late arriving." About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, "There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 minutes late." Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again, and says, "I'm sorry to say that we've lost our third engine, and it looks like we'll be about an hour late arriving at our destination." The blonde turns to the man next to her and says, "Man, if that last engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

THE DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children?
A: Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. Husbands want to videotape the conception.

LIBRARY ORDER
A blonde walks into a library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke." The librarian looks at her for a moment, then whispers to the blonde, "Ma'am, this is the library." The blonde nods, then whispers, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

LAST REQUEST
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, my dear." "Of course, John, " his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

DISGRACE
A young girl was going on a date, so she sought out the advice of her grandmother. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about boys. Your date is going to try and kiss you, and you're going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, and you're going to like that, too, but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, too, but don't let him do that! It will disgrace the family!" With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day, she told grandma that her date went just as she'd predicted. She said, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried to have his way with me, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family!"

OLD WOMAN, YOUNG WOMAN
Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A navel.

SURVEY
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

NATIONAL ANTHEM
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: Row, row, row your boat.

THE WASHCLOTH
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded, "It's my washcloth." Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked, "What happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth." The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it! She was washing daddy's face with it."

IN COMMON
Q: What do a woman's G spot, a woman's birthday and a urinal have in common?
A: Men seem to miss all three.

WHITE DRESS
A little girl in church asks her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" Her mother says, "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life." The little girl thinks for a moment, then asks, "Then, why is the groom wearing black?"

GOOD LOOKING FAT
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

YOUNG COUPLE
A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped. She asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

PANTIES AND A CURTAIN
Q: What's the difference between a pair of panties and a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the curtain, the show is over, but when you
pull down the panties, it's showtime!

SHIRT POCKET
This guy goes into a bar and orders a shot of tequila and looks into his shirt pocket and orders five more shots and after each one he looks into his shirt pocket. The bartender asks, "If you tell me why you look into your shirt pocket after each drink I'll buy you 10 shots." The man replies, "In my pocket is my wife's picture. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to leave."

HOW MANY
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

FORGETFUL
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

REDNECK MURDER
Experts say there are two reasons why it is nearly impossible to solve a redneck murder. One, all the DNA is the same. Two, there are no dental records.

HELP REQUESTED
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" The man says, "I'm so embarrassed. I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?" The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this, but you are kind of cute." She gets on her knees and begins gratify him orally. "I really appreciate this," said the man, "but I need help getting the cap off the jar."

LAWYER AND BUCKET
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mom, what are you doing to Dad?" Mom, embarrassed, replies, "I was just letting the air out of him�he's too fat." The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

PAINFUL
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the light to change. A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming. "Tennis ball," came the reply from the man. "Oh," said the blonde, sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

DEAD ROOSTER
A man was driving down a quiet country road when a rooster wandered into his path. The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are around back."

WOMEN AND VOLCANOS
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A: A volcano never fakes an eruption.

THE FLESH IS WEAK
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

SWAGGERING KID
An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

IMPORTANT THINGS
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

ARRIVAL IN FRANCE
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. Whiting admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

GOOD GIRL
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Give me a break, ma'am! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

EVERYTHING
Q: What do you give a man who's got everything?
A: Penicillin.

ITALIAN BREAD
Two older men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves, it'll get hard." He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but me?"

MEN AND BONDS
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

SANTA'S BAD DAY
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you�where would you like me to put it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

RECTAL GLAUCOMA
One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss. The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

HOW OLD
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said. "Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

CATTLE
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together.

LOTTERY
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But lottery night again comes and goes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself. God says, "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

STD
Q: Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?
A: Turns out he was just allergic to wool.

PAPAL AILMENT
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles, commonly referred to as "terminal blue balls." He said the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions." The cardinals were amazed. "What are the four conditions?" asked one of the cardinals. The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so if she somehow figures it out, she can tell no one." After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big boobs!"

ZIPPERS
Q: What's the difference between a woman's zipper and a man's zipper?
A: When a woman unzips her pants, her brains don't fall out.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."

PULLED OVER
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

ZEBRA
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

HORSE AUCTION
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

TWO STORY HOUSE
A man went before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers, then said, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house." The judge replied, "What kind of a reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well, your honor, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

MARRIAGE
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

THREE DAUGHTERS
There was an old woman with three daughters. She was getting old and wanted some grandchildren, so she let her daughters pick their mates and locked them into their bedrooms overnight. She was a nosy old woman, and wanted to find out how things were going. She walked past the first room and heard screaming. She walked past the second room and heard laughing. She walked past the third room and didn't hear anything. In the morning, she decided to find out what happened the night before. She asked the first daughter, "Why were you screaming?" The first daughter responded, "Because it hurt." Then, she asked the second one, "Why were you laughing?" The second daughter said, "Because it tickled." The old woman asked the third one, "Why weren't you saying anything?" The third daughter shrugged her shoulders and calmly replied, "Because, Mom, you told me not to talk with my mouth full."

30 TIMES LEFT
A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor had said. She says, "Oh, no! Only 30 times? We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

Adv Manual: Humorously Speaking Pj 5
#5 - The Humorous Speech
Time: 5 - 7 minutes
Objectives:
1 Use exaggeration to tell a humorous story.
2 Entertain the audience.
3 Effectively use body language and voice to enhance the story.
_________________________________________

Title of Speech
"   "

Introduction

Body

Conclusion

__________________End _________________

"Laugh & Nobody Gets Hurt!"
An educational session by Peter Francis
Reviewed by Brian Cavanaugh, ATM-S, District 3's Fall 2000 Humorous Speech Contest winner


Peter Francis is President of South Ashby Consulting, an Advanced Toastmaster - Silver (ATM-S) and a member of National Speakers Association (NSA) Toastmasters Club. Don't let these serious credentials fool you because Peter Francis is a very funny guy.

On Saturday morning October 21, 2000, Peter Francis demonstrated his gift of humor by leading the first
educational session at the District 3 Fall Conference in Tucson, Arizona.

At the very beginning of the session, Peter made his purpose crystal clear by saying, "I'm not here to make you laugh. I'm here to make you funny." But make us laugh he did and as a bonus Peter gave us tips on how to use
humor effectively.   Before telling us the tools and tricks of the trade, Peter helped us to see the benefits of humor and why it is so important to incorporate humor into all rpesentations. Humor makes people feel good.
Humor builds people up. Humor includes others and thus is a community builder. Humor breaks down walls and barriers and thus facilitates communication. Humor helps to release tension and make people feel comfortable.

Peter shared with us his Do's and Don'ts of Humor.

DON'Ts of Humor
     1. Respect your audience.
         Don't force your humor on them.
     2. Respect your audience.
         Don't step on your their laughter.
     3. Respect your audience. Don't do long jokes.
     4. Respect your audience.
         Don't do dialects if you don't do them well.
     5. Respect your audience.
         Don't use sarcasm, put downs, or off color
or offensive language.
     6. Respect yourself. Don't step on your own lines.

DOs of Humor
     1. Carefully structure the humor of your speech. Humor is both and art
and a craft.
     2. Practice, practice, pray. Practice you timing. Humor is prepared impromptu communication.
     3. Interact with the audience before your presentation. Meet the people beforehand, listen to their stories. Include your audience in your presentation but don't embarrass anyone.
     4. Look for opportunities to stack you humor. Remember the Rule of 3.
     5. Facial expression are important. Let the audience know you care for them through your face, your eyes, your smile.
     6. Strive for richness in communication. Use descriptive words,
colorful phrases, and vocal variety.
     7. Use self-effacing humor. Laugh at something you are comfortable with about yourself.
     8. Tell your own stories.

Peter's Hot List
     1. Record every speech you give. Then listen/watch the tape and give yourself a good evaluation. Look for what worked well and for what can be improved.
     2. Find out what type of humor works best for you by practicing humor in all aspects of your life. Start small and work you way up. Start in your Toastmasters meeting. Put humor into your functionary descriptions, into your Table Topics, into your speeches.
     3. Never give a speech that doesn't include some humor or a story.
     4. Humor is planned spontaneity. Look for humor everywhere. Be a student of humor.
     5. Always try to engage you audience by meeting the people before your presentation and try to include them in your presentation. Remember - respect your audience.
     6. Tell stories that you like. Use humor that fits your personality. Remember - respect yourself.
     7. Humor is a risk, but a risk worth taking.
     8. Rehearse it until you own it.
     9. Customize and revitalize old material.
   10. Find a humor filter, someone whose opinion you respect. Try your humor out on them. Get honest feedback and act on the feedback.
   11. Help people find a place of enjoyment and comfort.
   12. End your presentation with a personal note. Put the audience first. Respect your audience.

Throughout the session, Peter demonstrated his DOs and DON'Ts by including the audience in his presentation, stacking his humor, taking audience responses and creating funny twists, telling humorous stories about
himself, his family, and his many Toastmaster friends. Peter definitely did make us laugh, but I can't say nobody got hurt. My sides are still aching from laughing so hard. Peter's educational session seemed much too short,
because we were having so much fun.

You can contact Peter Francis at [email protected].

_________________________________

Go for the Gold: Sure-Fire Ways to Win Your Next Humorous Speech Contest

By Scott Roeben, CTM

This article appeared in the March 2001 Toastmasters International magazine. The article appears here with the permission of the author, a member of Ernest Speakers.

What�s keeping you from entering, and winning, a Toastmasters Humorous Speech contest?

Not too long ago, I won my first Humorous Speech contest. More accurately, it was series of contests�in my club, area, division and district. Winning a Toastmasters contest is a truly remarkable feeling. Toastmasters provides an excellent environment for healthy competition�a unique chance to put into practice what we spend weeks and months learning in our regular Toastmasters meetings.

The Humorous Speech contest is arguably the most challenging of all Toastmasters contests. Why? Primarily, it�s because the humorous speech requires that a speaker be funny on demand. And not just once, but over and over again�as the speaker progresses from the club contest, to the area, division and district. The successful humorous speaker exhibits all the qualities required of effective speakers, as well as the ability to tickle the funny bone�no small feat as any comedian can attest.

There are a number of things I discovered on the path to winning my first Humorous Speech contest. These tips may serve as useful stepping stones for you if you�re considering entering a Humorous Speech contest near you.

Do the Opposite

All right, I admit it. I�m not the best speaker in the world. I have no idea what to do with my hands. I pace. I have a terrible memory. But I had a secret weapon in my recent contests that overcame those unfortunate shortcomings�a strong concept. Sure, we�re all striving to become compelling, engaging speakers. But it doesn�t hurt to have a distinctive concept to help carry the day.

Keep in mind that in Toastmasters contests, each aspect of your speech is given a specific "weight" by the judges. The "Content" of your speech is 50% of your final score, "Delivery" is 30% and "Language" represents 20%. Given this, it�s clear that many contests are won and lost before the speaker ever arrives at the room on contest day.

My speech was titled "The Dying Art of the Complaint." In it, I implored the audience to rejuvenate the practice of complaining which has been in decline in recent years, especially with all the rampant prosperity we�ve been experiencing of late. Obviously, the speech was delivered tongue-in-cheek. The key to the speech�s success was that I was saying exactly the opposite of what I really feel, in fact, what many people feel�that complaining diminishes our enjoyment of life. The humor came from speaking emphatically about something that was clearly ludicrous. "If things progress the way they have, there will be no complaining left," I proclaimed. "And that is simply not the kind of world I want to live in."

When you�re developing the topic of your humorous speech, you might try "doing the opposite" of your first instinct. Give your speech an unpredictable twist. Want to give a speech on gun control? How about advocating that everyone have guns�even family pets? How about making an empassioned speech about eliminating taxes for the very rich? Or perhaps take the position that we should all watch more television.

Humor will come out of the absurdity of your position. Presenting the position that�s the opposite of what you mean gets the audience engaged, and gives them something they didn�t expect. Surprise, after all, is one of the fundamental tenets of humor.

Play It Straight

A key aspect to giving a humorous speech is for the speaker to not be in on the joke. Think about times when you�ve heard a joke delivered by someone who laughs at their own joke. Just doesn�t seem as funny, does it? It�s the same with a humorous speech. The humor is for your audience, not you. Play it straight.

In my speech, I spoke with utter conviction about the need for more complaining. "Complaining is the glue which holds us together as a society. It�s what separates us from the animals." My serious delivery stood in stark contrast to the silliness of the words being spoken, which elicited a tremendous response from the various audiences. If the tone of the speech had been too light-hearted, it�s doubtful it would have had the same impact.

Stick to the Game Plan

Any comedian could tell you about times when their material wasn�t received as well as expected. It�s the bane of a comedian�s existence. Like the comedian, the Toastmaster faces potential peril when competing in a Humorous Speech contest. You prepare for weeks, polishing your opening joke, you rise when your name is called, you begin your speech, the joke is delivered just as it was rehearsed�and nothing. Silence, even.

Now, what?

The most important thing about not getting the results you expect is to not get derailed. Stick to the game plan. Simply move on. (Or as they said in a recent ad campaign: "Never let them see you sweat.") And under no circumstances should you resent the audience for not responding the way you feel they should. Many a performer has made the mistake of commenting on how uptight an audience is, or how they just don�t "get it." Such comments only serve to antagonize the very same souls you�re trying to win over. There�s simply nothing worse than being part of an audience which is being berated by a speaker for not laughing in the right places. What frame of mind do you think that puts an audience in? Are they more likely to laugh at your next joke if you�ve ridiculed them and implied their "hammock doesn�t quite reach both trees"?

Instead of getting defensive, just keep moving. If you�ve done the proper preparation, you�ll have a number of opportunities for the audience to come around. A clever way to safeguard against jokes falling flat is to not have any jokes in your speech. That�s right. Be Bill Cosby, not Rodney Dangerfield. The difference? Dangerfield�s style uses one or two liners. Set-up, punchline, set-up, punchline. Every joke has to be a winner. Too much pressure, if you ask me.

But if you�ve ever seen Bill Cosby perform, he tells stories. Funny stories, but stories that do not rely on "jokes" per se. It takes the pressure off.

There�s actually a popular theory in comedy circles, especially among sketch, play and sitcom writers, which puts forth that a joke should never be able to stand on its own as a joke. It should come so organically from the concept being delivered that it won�t hold up on its own. Personally, I wouldn�t dare give a humorous speech if I wasn�t sure I had a couple of sure-fire jokes sprinkled throughout, but it�s something to consider.

Don�t Step on the Laughter

Here�s a tricky one. Let�s assume all is going according to plan. The audience is with you. You throw out a line: "My car is a convertible. I call it that because when I turn the key, it converts into a piece of junk." The audience responds. There is a delicate balance struck between a humorous speaker and the audience. If you speak during the laughter, one of two things will happen: 1) your next comment won�t be heard, or 2) the laughter will abruptly halt so you can be heard. (From there on out your audience is likely to be inhibited�they won�t want to miss anything, so they�re less likely to let loose with laughter again.)

So, here�s a good rule of thumb. Say the duration of an audience�s response is a period of time measured from one to ten, with three or four typically being the peak of the laughter. You can avoid "stepping on the laugh" by waiting until about eight to begin speaking again. You don�t want to wait until 10, as that�s nearly silence�and that�s too late because you�ll lose your momentum.

Like I said, this is tricky. Which is why it�s essential you practice your speech in a club setting before going on to a larger contest. In addition, you�ll find that a small group responds differently than a large group, which is another reason the contest structure�club, area, district, division�works, because you deliver your speech to increasingly larger groups.

In time, you�ll develop an ear for laughter, and only through repetition will you gain a sense of what rhythm works best for you. Remember, when you step on the audience�s response, you�re defeating the whole purpose of giving a humorous speech in the first place.

Vary Your Jokes

Avoid the trap of using the same kind of humor over and over during your speech. While a pun can work on occasion, for instance, a speech littered with puns alone is likely to fall flat.

To get a sense of what I mean by a "kind" of joke, I�ll use an example I was given when a professional comedy writer read a sitcom script I�d written. His feedback was that there were too many of the same kind of joke�specifically, that I�d used too many "Hawkeye-isms." He was referring to the Hawkeye of M*A*S*H* fame, of course. When you hear the term "Hawkeye-ism," you already know what this writer meant. Hawkeye-isms are jokes that come from tricky wordplay. Hawkeye�s quips were distinctive, and were delivered with a rat-a-tat cadence. The show�s creator, Larry Gelbart, is known for his brilliance at writing funny dialogue, and left his thumbprint on the character we all know and love.

I, however, was guilty of falling into the rut of using the same style of joke over and over. Even though the jokes themselves were different, the repeated use of the same "style" of joke made the punchlines predictable�the kiss of death for comedy.

So, the idea is to mix things up. There are many different kinds of humor. There is physical humor (often underutilized by Toastmasters, myself included), and a variety of humor types and techniques to choose from�malaprops (the comic misuse of words), spoonerisms (an interchange of sounds, such as saying "tuna lick" instead of "lunatic"), exaggeration ("He�s so dimwitted, it takes him two hours to watch �60 Minutes�"), put-downs (refer to previous line), sarcasm, oxymorons (like "video library"), irony and others.

The bottom line? Keep �em guessing.

The Rule of Three

Along with varying the types of jokes you use, it�s also important to remember the Rule of Three. That�s the age-old (and for good reason) guideline passed down through the generations from humorist to humorist�namely that three jokes on a given subject is fine, but no more. The next time you observe a speaker you admire, who makes you laugh and who seems to have the perfect sense of what to say and how, pay attention to how many jokes he or she gives to punctuate any particular point. That�s right. Three�s the limit.

Of course, every rule has exceptions.

Except this one.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "There are no hard and fast rules about humorous speaking." First, you should stop talking to yourself. More importantly, don�t tempt fate. Breaking this rule often leads to dire consequences. It�s a bit like gravity. You can deny its existence, but you pretty much know where the bowling ball�s going when you toss it into the air.

Incidentally, the Rule of Three also applies to how many examples you should give on any topic within your speech. If you put forth a concept, support it with three (or fewer) examples.

Again, no one�s quite sure why the Rule of Three works so well�it just does. Then again, no one�s quite sure why the "k" sound in words is funny. It just is.

Save Your Best Joke for Last

There�s a temptation to throw out all your best material right away�to get the audience on your side. But it�s far more important to have a great closer. That final payoff is what the audience (and perhaps more importantly at a contest, the judges) will remember.

How can you tell if something�s funny? Tell it to five people before you ever step foot into your club contest. Consider it market research. Humor is, after all, subjective, but five glazed-over looks in response to a "humorous" observation may indicate the material isn�t hitting the mark. Don�t expect that something miraculous will change that unpleasant reality on the day of your speech contest. Listen to feedback, and pay close attention to the feedback you receive from your evaluators�to ignore their guidance is to flirt with disaster.

I once read a great answer to the question "What�s funny?" The book said: "The source of the ludicrous is the unexpected subsumption of an object under a concept which in other respects is different from it." I have no idea what that means. But "ludicrous" and "concept," after all, have "k" sounds, so who�s going to argue?

Master the "Callback"

A key comic device is the "callback." The callback is simply a reference to something that was presented earlier in the speech. Callbacks give a humorous speech a sense of cohesion, and rarely fail to bring a positive response from an audience�either because the callback is intrinsically funny, or at the very least because it�s something familiar.

In my speech on complaining, I gave some useful tips on how we can complain more effectively. The four "tips" I espoused to improve the quality of our complaining were: 1) ignore the facts, 2) when you complain, exaggerate, 3) always compare the present with the past and 4) never do anything about your complaint.

Each of these "pointers" was followed with examples. Then, at the end of my speech, I plead with audience members to get out into the world and start complaining, and to begin with complaining about what a terrible speech I�d given. I then asked, "Why should you use my speech as an example?" After a pause for effect, I explained, "Simple, remember Tip #1? When complaining, you should always ignore the facts." This reference, at the end of the speech, served as an effective callback, giving the speech a sense of circularity and closure, and served double duty as a solid closing gag.

Find Friendly Faces

During your speech, seek the support of fellow club members. The effect of being able to look out into an audience and find friendly faces can�t be overstated.

Contests are an interesting phenomenon. While you sense that everyone wants you to do well, the competitive component of the festivities is readily apparent. It�s natural that each club wants their representative to win, and while the unwritten Toastmasters code would never allow a club member to verbalize their personal bias, it sometimes comes out in unsuspected ways.

For example, at our area contest, one of my competitors in the contest actually sat at a table directly in front of the stage, and was munching on food the entire time I was speaking, doing her best to distract fellow audience members and/or the judges�or me. While this type of behavior is truly rare in Toastmasters, it�s a good idea to invite as many friends and fellow club members to your contests as possible. They�ll give you the benefit of the doubt when a joke falls flat, and their enthusiastic applause is certain to pump you up before, during and after your speech.

And by the way, I took absolutely no satisfaction in the fact that the speaker who tried to sabotage me did not go home with the winner�s trophy. Really, I swear.

Watch the Clock

As Toastmasters, we pride ourselves on being disciplined when it comes to time. However, humorous speeches, unlike other kinds of speeches, rely on a widely varying time aspect that can have a serious impact on your chances of winning a contest�audience response.

If you do your job correctly, your speech will elicit gales of laughter. The problem? It�s impossible to know exactly how much time that laughter will add to your speech. In contests, going over the allotted time can result in disqualification.

In most cases, this will mean you�ll want to build in some time for audience response. If you prepare a speech that runs seven minutes without breaks for audience response, you�re in trouble. (The typical time limit in Humorous Speech contests is 5-7 minutes.)

A safe bet is to "pad" your speech with lines or ideas which you can easily discard on the spot if you find the audience reaction is unusually good (meaning, you�re getting more laughter than expected). Keep these lines self-contained. Run through your speech with and without them. Don�t be afraid to drop even some of your best material if you find yourself going over time. Remember that no matter how good your speech is, if you go over the time limit, you�re out of the running. Do you want that trophy or not?

Discover the Seed of Truth

No matter how absurd or silly a topic you choose, the most memorable and resonant speeches�though funny and entertaining�also hold a seed of truth for the audience to take home with them. They have an underlying theme, or position that just plain sticks with audience members.

In my speech about complaining, many of the concepts were intentionally outrageous. But the core message�about how complaining erodes our experience of life�was something people found meaningful to them. It was clear the humor helped deliver a concept people could ponder long after the speech ended.

The difference between a merely funny speech and a funny speech that wins contests is that the winning speech provokes and inspires, and can stand a critically important test�a winning humorous speech would still be provocative and inspiring even if all the humor were removed. Just because it�s a humorous speech doesn�t mean it can or should be frivolous. Going for obvious or easy laughs isn�t enough. Seek out the message, the story only you can tell. Just think of humor as an "idea delivery device," nothing more.

Go for the Gold

So, what are you waiting for? There�s a funny person in you waiting to get out. Remember, it�s not money that makes the world go around�it�s laughter.

The best piece of advice you can receive about winning your next Humorous Speech contest is this: Dive in. That�s right. Be fearless. Just follow some of these pointers and you�re bound to have that Humorous Speech contest trophy sitting on your mantle. Unless you don�t have a mantle. In which case, you should just carry your trophy around with you at all times.

Hey, it works for me.

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Scott Roeben is a CTM (Competent Toastmaster), and is the Communications Coordinator for the Writers Guild of America, west. He is also Webmaster of the humor site, Dribbleglass.com.

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`Rule of Three' multiplies effect of speech humor
Ellis Posey

If you want to talk funny, timing is everything.
Comic timing is one of those things all comedians and humorists insist is necessary to the successful performance of humor. But nobody seems to be able to explain exactly what comic timing is.

After extensive research and study, I have concluded comic timing is not just one simple rule or formula the budding humor practitioner must master. It's more likely a number of things.

What humorist Doc Blakely calls "The Rule of Three" is part of the formula.

"It is generally accepted in humor that one general theme is overworked after it has been attacked at least three times with punch lines that are quite similar," Blakely writes.

He says it applies to one-liners and jokes alike. Save the strongest of the three jokes for last, he advises, adding you might want to intentionally use a weak or mediocre joke as the first in the triplet to make the last one seem stronger.

With Blakely's wisdom in mind, notice how many funny stories use a different kind of "Rule of Three." Many stories have you heard start out, "There was a priest, a minister and a rabbi ... ." Three characters seems to work well when you are populating your own stories to make them funnier.

Comedy professor and author Melvin Helitzer claims there's something magic about the number three. Calling them triples, he cites a series of three examples or three alternative solutions offered consecutively. Helitzer thinks of them as jokes on the way to a joke or firecrackers on the way to a big blast.

He points out the Bible is filled with triples, such as the three wise men, the Trinity and others.

Three words of description work well in introducing characters. Or three actions listed consecutively are more effective in building the tension good punch lines depend on than just one or two. Whether it's descriptive words or actions, four always seems to be too many, slowing your story down, and two not enough.

Helitzer recommends no less than three examples, no more than three stories in a sequence on one subject and no more than three minutes on any one theme. To sustain what's called a "roll," he says, "you must build one topper on another -- with a minimum of three."

As an example, Helitzer offers, "My wife's an angel. She's constantly up in the air, continually harping on something and never has anything to wear."

You can see how Helitzer's triples maintain tension and build the story toward its unexpected logical resolution.

Although I haven't been able to find written references to it, there is what I think of as a musicality to a well-spoken phrase or sentence. That is particularly true with one-liners, as well as punch lines on longer stories.

As an example, look at what arguably has become the most famous punch line in the English language, the late Henny Youngman's "Take my wife. Please." Listen to the words in your head. Pay attention to the rhythm created by the emphasis on words and using a pause, which is called a beat. "Take my wife. (beat) Please."

Emphasis on alternating words, and syllables in longer words, gives it the proper rhythm. The pause, or beat, serves two purposes. It fits the rhythm you want to establish, and it builds tension before revealing the surprise finish that completes the logic.

If you are musically inclined, you might think of each of the first three syllables being a quarter-note in a measure. The beat is a quarter-note rest. The final word in the sequence, "Please," is a half-note, followed with at least a half-note pause to wait for laughter.

Experiment with the delivery of punch lines in your favorite stories. Sometimes switching words around creates a more effective, funnier rhythm. If you have trouble, look for synonyms or find new ways to express the surprise ending that have a better rhythm.

Not all rhythms suitable to humor have the simple la-DEE-la-DEE pattern. Go back to the Henny Youngman example and activate the setup line that is seldom remembered or used.

Here's the way it goes: "Women are crazy today." The rhythm is DEE-DEE-la-DEE-DEE, followed my a silent beat. Next comes the punch line, "Take my wife. Please." DEE-la-DEE, la-DEE. The rhythm changes in the middle of the joke.

Melvin Helitzer's recommended cadence is da-da-Tah-da-da-Tah-dah-dah-TA, three groups of three syllables. The important thing is that you establish a rhythm to build and deliver on.

The importance of rhythm came home to me years ago when I watched humorist Cactus Prior deliver lines. He patted his foot in a four-four beat like a musician playing or a conductor leading. The result: the delightful music of laughter, when and where conductor Cactus led his orchestral audience to come in like a brass section for their part in a successful performance.

ELLIS POSEY is a professional humorous speaker and author. Contact him at 863-5938 or visit his Web site at (http://www.ufindm.com/funnyside).

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Using Humor in Your Speech
By: Stephen D. Boyd

Some speakers say, "I could never use humor in my speech; I just don't feel comfortable with it." I believe that anyone can use humor and that it is a valuable tool in speaking. Appropriate humor relaxes an audience and makes it feel more comfortable with you as the speaker; humor can bring attention to the point you are making; and humor will help the audience better remember your point. It can break down barriers so that the audience is more receptive to your ideas.

First, let me make it easy for you to use humor.
The best and most comfortable place to find humor for a speech is from your own personal experience. Think back on an embarrassing moment that you might have thought not funny at the time. Now that you can laugh at the experience, you understand the old adage "Humor is simply tragedy separated by time and space." Or think of a conversation that was funny. Remember the punch line and use it in your speech. Probably the least risky use of humor is a cartoon. The cartoon is separate from you and if people don't laugh, you don't feel responsible. (Be sure to secure permission to use it.) You're not trying to be a comedian; you just want to make it easy for people to pay attention and to help them remember your point.

Here are some suggestions on using humor to make your next speech have more impact.

1. Make sure the humor is funny to you.
If you don't laugh or smile at the cartoon, joke, pun, one-liner, story, or other forms of humor, then you certainly cannot expect an audience to do so. A key to using humor is only using humor that makes you laugh or smile.

2. Before using humor in your speech, try it out with small groups of people.
Do they seem to enjoy it? Even if your experimental group does not laugh or smile initially, don't give up on the humor, because the problem might be in the way you are delivering the joke or quip. I often use this line in talking about the importance of listening. "We are
geared to a talk society. Someone said, 'The only reason we listen is so we can talk next!'" When I first tried that line, people did not smile; but I worked on the timing so that I paused and smiled after "listen" and that seemed to work. I was rushing through the punch line and did not give people time to be prepared for the humorous part. It took practice to get comfortable with the piece of humor. Only use humor in a speech after you are comfortable telling it from memory and have tested it.

3. Make sure the humor relates to the point you are making.
Do not use humor that is simply there to make the audience laugh. The humor should tie in with some aspect of your speech. For example, I tell about my experience of getting braces at age 46 and how difficult it was for me to get used to the wires and rubber bands in my mouth. After I tell the story I make the point that you may have not had the braces problem I had, but we all have challenges in communicating well, and what we want to look at today are ways of making it easier for us to be more effective in speaking. The audience enjoys the story but also remembers the point that I'm making. If you don't tie your humor to your presentation, the audience may like the humor, but will wonder what point you are attempting to make.

4. Begin with something short.
A starting point might be to summarize a cartoon and give the caption as your humor. A thought-provoking yet clever line about a point you are making is another way to get started. For example, when I talk about creativity and getting out of your comfort zone, a line I found that worked well was, "Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license." In your reading, look for lines that make you smile; consider how they might be used in your next speech. Be careful about launching into a long humorous story--audiences are quick to forgive a single line that may not be funny, but they do not have much patience with a long anecdote that isn't worth the time. So start out with brief bits of humor.

5. When possible, choose humor that comes from people you interact with.
You do not have to worry about people having heard it before, and you will feel more comfortable with what has happened to you. Find such experiences by looking for a humorous line or situation. For example, I was making a bank deposit recently at a drive-in window. When I asked to make a second deposit, the teller said solemnly, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to go around the bank a second time to make a second deposit." We both laughed and I may have a line to work into a speech. If you have small children, listen for something they say that might be funny to an audience as well. Art Linkletter made a great living on the notion that "Kids say the darndest things."

6. Don't preview by saying, "Let me tell you a funny story."
Let the audience decide for themselves. Look pleasant and smile as you launch into your funny line, but if no one smiles or laughs then just move on as though you meant for it to be serious. This approach takes the pressure off as you relate the humor. Remember you are not a comedian entertaining the audience; you are a serious speaker seeking to help the audience remember and pay attention by using humor as a tool.

Humor is simply another way of making a point with your audience, and it can help you be a more effective speaker. Look at humor as a tool in improving your speech in the manner of attention devices, smooth transitions, and solid structure. Remember, "A smile is a curve that straightens out a lot of things."

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