The Soundtrack Track Listing and Lyrics

All right. I’m going to do this the only way I know how. I’m going to write everything out. I’m going to be completely honest. And I’m going to do my best to be completely straightforward. But you really need to read the lyrics again. Many times, I feel there is little I can say that is not already expressed within them. This is a chronology of my feelings. That is the focus. The point of this is to give one last attempt to let you understand everything, to the best of your ability, whatever that may be.

I’m going to try to follow my soundtrack. As I’ve said, I haven’t yet reached the end, but I will go as far as I can. Each paragraph will cover one song, beginning, of course, with track one.

My first reaction was one of shock. I just couldn’t believe that it had happened. Everything that I had worked for, hoped for, was gone. Yes, the friendship was still there, but I had lost something so very, very important to me. And I could barely process that. I had no idea what to do with myself.

My next thought was that I wanted you back. “Oh, if you would come back to me, the sun would move through one thousand spring times. If you returned to me, it would be a miracle with each kiss you gave me.” That about sums everything up. I wanted you back, more than anything, no matter how much my head told me I shouldn’t. And I continued to want you back even into the new year.

Then I decided that the best course of action would be to simply push all of the pain, all of the desire, down. To make myself impenetrable. You really need to read these lyrics, if you haven’t already. I feel that they express, almost down to the last detail, how I felt. I didn’t want to feel anymore, and if I shut myself off from my feelings, then that would solve everything.

But then I realized that I wasn’t impenetrable. I couldn’t just forget everything. So I tried to run from the hurt, the memories. Because “it’s easier to run” than it is to face everything. You should know that from experience.

I wanted to sleep, to leave consciousness until everything had sorted itself out. Everything hurt, and I was so tired. I wanted to forget everything. I wanted for it to be gone. Though I realized that I couldn’t just forget. . .

And you got a new girlfriend. Very quickly. You moved on from a nearly three year relationship in about a month. Can you even imagine how that made me feel? Can you imagine how worthless, how insignificant I felt? No. You can’t. Not until someone moves on from you that quickly can you even begin to understand. And all I could do was watch while she took what I wanted, what I ached for. And you let her. You gave her your time. You gave her the title. Not me. You belonged to her, and it hurt. And yes, I was jealous. I wanted you, but I couldn’t have you. How could I not be jealous? I had spent almost three years in a close relationship with you, and she replace me so easily. So easily. “I just can’t look. It’s killing me and taking control.”

Track seven. . .my lucky number, ironically. “I’m Not Okay (I Promise).” If this track is not self-explanatory, then I feel I should just give up on trying to make you understand a thing. Read the lyrics. Because you didn’t, you don’t, understand. And I’m tired of giving off the impression that I’m okay when I’m anything but. “You wear me out.” Your blindness to the situation wears me out. Your focus on yourself above others wears me out. You wear me out. And I’m not o-fucking-kay.

I was tired of love. I was tired of dating. I was tired of it all. I never wanted to go through this again. Because it had hurt me. I was “Gunning Down Romance.”

Track nine. . . “The Lover After Me.” This is another song that I feel is completely self-explanatory. The only thing I can think to do to explain it is to copy and paste the lyrics. Those were my feelings at the time. The conflict, the hurt, the confusion. All of it.

And I got so tired. I wanted to be numb. I was so, so very tired of hurting. I wanted something to take everything away. I wanted to do more than forget. I wanted to lose all feeling. I didn’t want to feel anything. Pain, pleasure. . .nothing.

“Romance.” The transition. The beginning of my nightmare.

And here is where I will take a short break from following the tracks to give you the story. I wrote it out for my own benefit. I tried to work through everything. . .

~~~~~~~

Written Tuesday, March 14, 12:52 am

So, I dated this guy for two and three-quarters of a year, to the day.

We were really close. Did almost everything together and all that. I was in love with him. We, well, broke up by accident, actually. We just started talking, and neither of us were intending to break up, but by the end of it, we had split. We agreed that we both wanted to stay friends.

Then, well, school started, and he was dating another girl within a month of the break-up. He didn’t even tell me at first. And then I saw him a few weeks into school and he told me all about how he had been crying his eyes out because he was still in love with me and I told him I was still in love with him and he said he wanted to be dating me instead.

I told him I was interested, but he drew it out for months. He eventually told me that he wouldn’t break up with her because ‘He had started to see the merits of dating her,’ and ‘She hadn’t done anything wrong.’ And I know that I should be glad, because we really weren’t right for each other, but it's just hard. I'm past the point where I would want to date him again, but I don't want to lose his friendship.

He didn’t get her anything for Christmas. Know what he got me? A ruby and diamond bracelet to replace the one that he got me for our first Valentine’s Day. I had lost that one a year and a half ago. Then this Spring Break, he left his new girlfriend at college and asked me to come with him to his dad's house with another friend of ours for two days. (I've done this before.) But I decided to stay home because I've got a term paper to write. And I'm tired of getting so many mixed signals and from having my self-esteem, well, kinda trashed.

But I just can’t hate him. We didn’t really part on bad terms, and I should be better off. It just always hurts. I can distract myself for a while, but it always comes back. It’s been seven months, and it still hurts.


Written the night of Friday, March 31.

I was sitting in the dorm, thinking about the letter that Alex wrote mom and wondering what happened and why he cared more about her feelings than about mine.

Then I started talking to Andrea about it, and my entire body started aching. My thing is, I really have a problem crying. Not that I think it makes me lame or anything, I have a physical problem crying. It's hard for me to do.
But I thought it might help, and after talking with her for a while, I did cry a little. But then I started hyperventilating and shaking, and I had a really bad panic attack.

My body felt numb, but everything inside still hurt. And I will say, I completely understand why people would cut themselves. It just seemed like there was so much hurt inside, there should have been a way for it to come out. Also, it seemed like I needed a real physical source to account for the emotional pain I felt.

And I was just totally confused. Like, I knew what was going on, but I couldn't understand why. I think that if Andrea hadn't been there, something bad might have happened. Instead, I just sat there, shaking, wringing my arm, and pulling my hair. And I just couldn't stop. It was so weird.

And then last night in the shower, I started seriously thinking about, if I wanted to cut myself and not die, where would I do it. And then I freaked out. So I wrote Andrea a letter explaining what had just happened and left it for her to find in the morning. I also wrapped up the all-purpose knife in our room with paper and asked her to hide it somewhere on her side of the room.

As I said before, I don't plan on acting on any of this, but I never would have thought that I would break down, either. And so I'd rather be safe than sorry.

And I feel disgusting for feeling and thinking this way. I feel like there's something really wrong with me. Like I'm sick.

And so, I feel ashamed, pathetic, weak, and sick. It's embarrassing for me to talk about it. . .

It's just hard for me to deal with everything. Schoolwork, social stuff. . .

. . .I'm just so screwed up right now. I feel so terrible.

I'm just trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

I think I finally admitted to myself today that I'm depressed, even though I feel bad about it.

I feel like some lame kid who just wants attention.

I talk to some of my friends online, listen to a lot of music. I'm really trying not to wallow.

I'm really trying to be strong. If not for myself, then for the people who care about me.


Written April 6. Recounting a discussion that occurred around 1 am that day.

I started scratching my wrists a few days ago. I guess I didn’t really see anything wrong with it at first, because it wasn’t as dangerous as cutting. But there definitely is something wrong with it.

I’m trying to stop, but sometimes, everything just hurts so much. . .

I don’t understand why anyone would want to listen to me. Why anyone would want to help me. I don’t see why I am worth it. People have better things to do than to listen to me complain.

I feel broken, actually. And I can’t understand why another guy would love me. I mean, I gave my heart to one, and he didn’t - doesn’t - care. So why would anyone else?

I feel like everything is wrong. Everything is screwed up. I’m not behaving as I should.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

~~~~~~~

And here resumes my following of the track listing.

Track twelve. . . I had found my ocean. I had found the thing that would carry me, the thing that would save me, the thing that would help me deal. “Breathing is the hardest thing I do. I'm not the only person in the room. It's hard for me to feel like I'm perfect”

And then. . .I wondered what had happened to myself. I wondered where the person I knew had gone. Read the lyrics. Can you feel the pain? Can you feel the confusion? I had no idea what was going on. I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of this person I had become.

But I knew I couldn’t wallow. I couldn’t let my pain, my scars, take over my life. I was wounded, but not dead. I had to keep moving on with my life. I wouldn’t roll over and die. No one has that kind of power over me. “When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through. Move along. . .when everything is wrong, we move along.” Even if I couldn’t fix everything, I had to keep moving. I had to keep living.

At the very least, I had myself to hold onto.

But, despite everything, the whole world didn’t suck. And I wasn’t alone. I had people who cared for me. People who were there when I needed them. “Oh, all that I know. . . There's nothing here to run from, ‘cause here. . .everybody here's got somebody to lean on.” I’m learning that. Slowly, I am learning.

And that’s as far as I’ve come.

As for my current state? Well. . .somewhere between tracks ten and sixteen, with track seven making repeated occurrences. I fluctuate. I’m not better. Or course not. I’ve been hurt too badly, I’ve destructed too much to be healed so soon. But I am getting there. And some days, I don’t want to leave my room. But other days. . .other days, life is good. And I can look forward to track seventeen. I can look forward to track eighteen.

Do you see now?

Do you see why it has been so difficult and so frustrating for me to explain this to you?

Do you understand why I can’t see you? Why I can’t talk to you?

And as for your opinion that we’ve been going through the same things, feeling the same emotions, you can put it out to pasture.

As Hermione says, just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon does not mean we all do.

I am more emotional than you.

But I am not a weak person.

I am still alive.

I have not fallen as others have.

And if you cannot understand this letter, then there is nothing more I can do for you. I know that you will not be able to truly comprehend what’s happened here, but I will stop trying to make you understand to the best of your ability.

You commented that you were surprised at the anger in my soundtrack.

Are you still surprised?