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I might come across as a little bit weird, but so be it. And no, by screaming I've been "Born Again" does not mean that I've left the Catholic Church. Far from it, boys and girls, I've finally gotten it, and it's ONLY because of the fullness of the Catholic Church that it came my way. I've got things so crazy right now, my head is practically swimming with things I want to say, but I'm going to make a highlight reel (as it were) for the moment and dialogue it all out later on.
I had the pleasure of attending a Catholic Men's Conference in Oklahoma City today. It was called "In the Father's Footsteps V" (obviously it was in it's fifth year, but this was my first time attending). It was sponsored and organized by the Catholic Men's Ministry of Oklahoma. Their first speaker was a charismatic priest by the name of Father Larry Richards. His talk was simple, it was on reconciliation. Boy, let me tell you... he started talking, and I know he was talking directly to me. The things he mentioned, they hit home and they hit home hard. About 10 minutes into his 45 minute talk, I had tears streaming down my eyes, knowing I was a dirty rotten sinner, and somehow I had this feeling St. Paul didn't have the handle on the "World's Worst Sinner" anymore. It was me.
Anyways, no big deal right? We've been through this before as Catholics. You know you sin, you go, you confess. End of story. But is it? Well, Father Richards talked about how we shirk away from things because they're embarassing, we feel like we're going to traumatize the priest with our confession, that it's just too heinous. It makes no difference, they need to be told. ONE, ONE, ONE! One mortal sin, unrepented of will DAMN YOU TO HELL! ONE! Well, I'm sure... dang it, I KNOW that I've got sins on my soul I've never confessed, haven't because I'm ashamed, hoping that somehow, God would forget that I ever committed them. Hoping that I could somehow bury them in my deeds. Heck, if people think I'm holy, surely that would be a good bargaining tool at the Pearly Gates, no?
Yah Tom, nice way to kid yourself. Well, let us just say Father Richards sermon hit home, and I knew I had to confess right then and there. And I wasn't the only one. At the conference they had confession booths set up and oddly enough, there was a line, at least 50 men long waiting to talk to Father Larry Richards. Finally my turn came along, still had about 30 or so men waiting after me to confess, but I sat down and Father opened with a prayer. Then he asked me the first of many questions: Do you want to do this the regular way, or the question/answer way.
Question/Answer way? Well, the premise was simple really... Father would list off sins, I would say "Yes or No".
Hrmm.... Interesting. Bonus: If I did it this way, I wouldn't miss anything. Downside: If I did it this way, I wouldn't miss anything.
Man, let me tell you... there are some skeletons in my closet, and I'm sure I didn't want them to come out. I KNOW I didn't want them to come out. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was not worthy of God's love for the heinous acts I committed. But I said "Ask me the questions." anyways.
So, when was the last time I went to confession? Well, last week Father, but after listening to your talk I don't know if I've ever truly had a real confession, so it's probably been 28 years.
Well, no sweat, let's go through the list, shall we? Sure thing Father.
First question was a breeze (or so I thought). "Do you pray every day?" Heh, a little bit of pride here (or so I thought). "Well, not every day Father, but I'm trying." Well, that bubble burst real quick. "There is no try, there is only do." "Yes Father".
Hrm, this isn't going to be as easy as I thought.
Second question: Have you taken the Lord's name in vain? Yes
Third question: Have you honored your father and your mother? No.
Have you lied? Have you stolen? Before you were married, did you have sex? Have you ever helped anyone have an abortion? Have you gotten drunk? Have you gotten high?
The list went on and on, and there was no turning back. There was no time to give some silly answer, a "Well, sorta, but really... And let me tell you, it didn't stop there, those questions got real personal, and they touched every single aspect of my life that I had kept hidden for years and years. Things I had forgotten, or tricked myself into "forgetting", things I had determined there was NO WAY in heck I was ever going to mention even if it cost me my soul. Father Richards laid them all out on the table, and I had to give this quick "Yes" or "No" answer. And to my despair, I was affirming that those sins were mine more than I was able to say that I had never done certain ones, which certainly left zero time for feeling proud that I had dodged one bullet. Which is a good thing because one bullet was enough to send me straight to hell and I had a full cases worth that I had allowed to be pumped into me from a short distance. Within a matter of few minutes, my whole soul had been laid bare. I had been given no time to prepare for it, I couldn't package it in a way that would make it more stomachable for God (or was it just for me?), it was there... that gross, ugly and malformed set of sins. All of my own making. And what Father Richards said next made it hurt even more. "You know, Jesus was there for every single one of those sins." Oh great, not only did I sin, but Jesus was there watching me the entire time, hoping, pleading, begging me to just turn to Him and He would save me. And so, the largest sin of all was that I ignored my God, my Savior, Jesus Christ, my own Brother. When it was over Father asked me: "Anything else?" And I knew right then and there that I had abused the sacraments, I had not come to the Altar table with a clean and pure heart, I had gone to penance to ease my own mind, not to seek reconciliation with God. And worst of all, it hit me full force... I had tried to earn my own salvation. How "Catholic" of me as some Protestants would say. Which I have denied time and time again, which only served to make me a hypocrite too. I wanted to cry. I did cry. I was a sniveling little wretch in that chair sitting across from father. Not much lower could I fall. But you know what? "Jesus loves you." Those were the next words out of the mouth of Father Richards. "Jesus loves you, and He died for those sins, and those sins are NO MORE!" And folks, it's that simple. Those sins are no more once we give them up. Why? Because Jesus Christ died on that cross and died for those sins. Each and every sin you or I can commit, will commit, have committed... Jesus knew of them all, He felt the weight of each one, because He carried them all to Calvary. He fell under their weight three times. He needed help carrying them, and finally He allowed Himself to be pinned to them. Jesus died for those sins I committed. And all I had to do was let Him die for me. Something I don't think I had ever allowed Him to do. Something He came here to do. Because He loved me. And it's all dawned on me. It's now as plain as day. My Act of Reconciliation today was my new birth. It was the day it dawned on me why Jesus Christ came. He came so I could give Him my sins and let Him die for them. That is why He came. No other reason. He came to die, so that me, the poor wretch that I am, might live. And to receive this most precious gift, all I have to do is recognize the wrongs I have done and will do, and ask Him to take them from me. He died for us because He knows we cannot do it alone. The bar IS too high for us to do it alone, but with Him we CAN do it. We WILL do it. And I can tell you, for the first time in my life, I left the confessional free from anguish, free from the bondage of sin. Born again, given a second chance on life. Praising God, because I fully recognized the love He had for me when He bore that ugly cross, laden with all the ugly sins I've committed. He carried it willingly, asking of me only that I should cleanse my soul of sin when it should become tarnished. And that when my soul is clean, that I can share with Him at His table, and come into communion with Him. I'm sorry I've rambled for so long. But it's something I just couldn't contain. It's been on my mind all day and it feels great. If you have never heard Father Larry Richards speak, I would suggest his website and his tapes. They're cheap, they're the best deal you'll ever get. So visit his website: www.frlarry.com. And please, go to confession. You'll be glad you did. I know I was.