Dreamline Broadcast

Midsummer Night, 2000, around dinner time

Quick unformatted (and unedited) text version; added June 19, 2000

L.A. bits by Mr. C. Haddad.

Johnny: I'm Johnny Anvilhead with a Dreamline special report. Breaking news is, well, breaking. Todd?

Todd: That's right. Queen Aeron of Pacifica has made a rare out-of-sick-bed appearance to declare a state of emergency in her kingdom. Since Count Borallo was assassinated yesterday by agents of the so-called "Iron Duke" Toran, things have been getting out of hand. A group of seelie commoners claimed that Hamal the satyr, Queen Aeron's lover, whom some claim has ties to the mythical Shadow Court, was ultimately responsible for offing the Count, as Borallo has recently become a vocal critic of Queen Aeron's rather pointless rule. These commoners and some sympathizers joined in a protest outside the Queen's palace -- which was brutally dispersed by the Queen's guards. As frequently happens, vaguely connected rioting then broke out in Los Angeles... Johnny?

Johnny: Thanks, Todd. And now, our man on the street, our Faerie on the freeway, our Redcap on the rotunda . . I can't believe he makes me say this shit . . live from "beautiful" Los Angeles Troy Poodlesbane.

Troy (On Phone. Obviously not paying attention): No, no they don't feel fake at all. Of course the only way to really tell is a taste test . .

--A woman's scream-

Johnny: um. Troy?

Troy: Oh, sorry. Field Research. Are we on? Troy Poodlesbane here reporting live from Los Angeles, CA. LA - and Pacifica as a whole - is not a pretty place for a fae to be on this over-warm south land night. Local commoners - from Actorwaiter Boggans to horrible cap-tease pooka strippers, to post modern suicidal sluagh screenwriters, have openly declared war on the local Nobles citing unfair wages, lack of back end compensation and general pissiness of the bosses as reason for their murderous displeasure. The death count already numbers in the dozens and is rising fast.

Johnny: My God. What's it like Troy? Are you ok?

Troy: Thankfully, yes Johnny. I've repeatedly had to defend against attacks by a crazed Eddie Furhlong - he seems to be a fan - but have otherwise been, pitifully, unmolested. Seelie and Unseelie are battling in the streets, uncaring who - or what - might see them. (Deadpan) It's madness I tell you, madness.

Johnny: How are the locals reacting?

Troy: This is Los Angeles, Johnny. Even if they could truly see what was going on, the site of a 12 foot tall blue woman being eviscerated by a pointy eared starlet isn't enough to warrant an Angelinos attention. Even a little girl with an egg beater besting a gangbanger and his "gatt" is nothing special. No, the real danger to the "human" populace is due to the rapid use of glamour. Many local fae - the Nobles in particular - are sucking LA dry in order to power their war. Several prominent freeholds - The Hollywood sign, The Old Brady House, Jim Carrey's ego - have already been depleted. If this battle doesn't end soon Hollywood may lose what little creativity it has left.

Johnny: My god, what could it mean?

Troy: "Friends: The Movie"

Johnny: oh my. Thank you Troy, you . . brave, considerate . . blahblah

Troy: Read it.

Johnny: Wonderful paragon of fae journalistic integrity. (sighs). Anything else to report before we let you go?

Troy: Well, yes. In lighter news, Kevin Costner will be found dead approximately ten minutes from now, a large - mouth shaped - hole where his putrid black heart used to be.

I've got to go, OJ and I are going golfing, he's promised to help me work on my slice. Now if that giant screaming chimerical head would stop following him around.

Johnny: Thanks, Troy. Be careful out there... Queen Mab is urging citizens of the Kingdom of Apples -- that's us, folks -- to remain calm; just because they're getting stupid all over California doesn't mean we have to, even though society often works that way. That's a quote. The Queen is one with-it dame.

Todd: Excuse me, Johnny - this just in. It seems... it seems that Caer Asterlan is being beseiged by a chimerical army of British redcoats! Caer Asterlan? That's where *I* am! We uh, we have with us the renowned nocker and chimerical expert Professor Ignatius Q. Hortenblatse. Prof. Hortenblatse, you sure showed up fast.

Prof.: [Joe ad libs, ending with: And now back to you, Mr. Todd.]

Prof: Todd? Todd? Oh dear. I'm afraid he's run away. I suppose it's an ancestral hatred of British armies...

[Quick and very silly necessity of Joe's becoming Johnny again, probably just by putting on a red hat and different voice.]

Johnny: Thank you Professor. That's all the time we have for now; there's an army outside the walls and it's upsetting me.

Good night.