Hi everyone, today I'd like to tell you about a friend of mine. Her name's Christina Renee Rogers, but we like to call her Christy. No relation to Mister Rogers of "Mister Roger's Neighborhood", in case you were wondering, although she likes to think there is, so we let her believe it. Physical description? Okay, well, she's about 5 foot 8 and she's got blonde hair about a yard long. And, uh, you know sometimes I think that having all of that blonde hair kind of gets to her head. She does this thing sometimes, like on TV shows about high school when the cheerleader will toss her perfectly-curled-at-the-ends-only-blonde hair with an excruciatingly painful smug look on her face� Anyhow, Christy does this, but she's got a hell of a lot more hair than the smug blonde cheerleader. So she sort of has to swing her neck around to get all the hair back, and in the process we all think somebody's gonna get blinded by the feral hair.
Okay guys, I'm not picking on blondes here. Really, because Christy's one of the smartest blondes I know. I think Malfoy could give her a run for her money, but he's smart in other, more evil ways, and he's not a real person anyways, so someone gag me before I digress any more. [crickets chirp] I know that wasn't funny, SHUT UP. [muttering: Fucking crickets, how'd they get in here?!] But you all know the definition of "Christy", don't you? [If you don't, you'd better go read her Xanga.] She may be subject to brain farts. You say brain farts? I say more like she may be subject to large clouds of methane engulfing her head. Figuratively. [God, it better NOT be literally�] Here's the classic-and-used-way-too-many-times-blame-it-on-Maggie example. Batson: "So many familiar faces� Why, this must be your remedial class!" Christy: "What's remedial mean?" Maggie: "You just defined it." And then of course the whole universe knows about it within the next two milliseconds because Maggie just talks so goddamn fast, but this isn't about Maggie. Where's that gag?
She's got a great sense of humor. It's a little odd at times, but we've all got our abnormalities, right? How about that time when she and I were walking along and saw a rainbow and I said the stupidest thing I have ever said in my entire life, not in itself but because I was walking next to Christy. I said something about finding two gay guys making out being a pot of gold. And of course the whole universe knows within the next two milliseconds because of that wonderful thing we call the Internet. I WAS FUCKING KIDDING! It was meant to be a one-second kind of laugh, not a memorable quote! Anyway, that's her kind of humor. Although I guess I don't really have the right to say anything about senses of humor, given that mine is� Well, let's just say it may be enough to lock me up in the local corrective facility for 20 years or so. [crickets Apparate and start to chirp like blue jays]
I swear I'm gonna buy some Raid and get rid of those crickets once and for all� Sorry for all you non-HP fans who don't know what Apparating is. Oh yeah, Christy isn't a Harry Potter fan. I guess I won't get to mention some of the best "What if Fred and George [did something, like shove a dung bomb up Umbridge's fat ass]�" scenarios that I've thought up. [sighs]
Back to Christy. That whole broken-leg incident was entirely the fault of� Well fine, I don't know whose fault it was. But all I can say is, you gotta kick something pretty damn hard for your FEMUR to snap� Fortunately she says that it didn't hurt, as the bucketloads of adrenaline acted as a temporary anesthesia. I wonder if that no-pain-when-excited will do her any good in her adult life -- I mean, future. [nervous cough] Does anyone besides me like double entendres?
You know what I've just realized? It's that this whole piece has been a big huge Christy-flame. That means that I should probably build a five-inch-thick steel barrier around my room and camp out here for a couple months, to save myself from the icicle bombardment that is coming inevitably my way. So, um� I'll stop writing and get to that. [runs away]