December 13, 2004
It's been so long since I wrote in this journal. I didn't think I needed to write anymore but a lot has happened. I thought I was okay but someone asked me just the other day about the kids... the grandkids. LOL I call the OW's kids my grandkids. Anyway, someone asked me what the kids call me... and I tell ya what... I started crying. I cried and cried... and cried some more.
It wasn't about the kids. I cried about the situation.
I still don't know how I am suppose to feel.
I spent 6 weeks on the road this summer just getting away from my life as I know it. Those 6 weeks were wonderful. I didn't have to worry about seeing her. Hubby was at home 4 of the weeks and I did spend quite a bit of time wondering if he was alone or was he with someone else. Does he have another girlfriend? Is he calling Lisa when Aaron's at work? I guess I really didn't care... I was away from the situation. I was with 2 of my best friends and my kids. I didn't care what hubby did! I didn't care that my son married the OW in my life.
Well what did I do when I got back home? I started cleaning house. I organized every drawer, cupboard, closet, car, kitchen, under sinks, pictures hanging on the walls... etc.. etc.. etc...
I sorted and flung stuff out the door by the truckload. If it belonged to hubby and brought up bad memories out the door it went. If Lisa had given it to me at any time in life... out the door it went. If her family had given me anything... out the door it went. I got rid of tons of stuff. Flylady would be so proud of me.
Sooooo the other day on my homemaking group Shelly, one of the gals I met in Houston this past summer, asked me what the kids call me. I was shocked at my reaction. I sat her and typed up my answer and as I was typing out my email I started crying. I cried for the longest time. I told Kevin I would never cry again over him. Well... I haven't.
But I did cry.
That's when it dawned on me why I've been cleaning and flinging like crazy. I'm not talking about normal cleaning and organizing... I'm talking about organizing and then organizing again and again... and again and cleaning deep down. Really obbesive cleaning. It's not like me to clean like that LOL Anyway... I realize I have been doing that to occupy my time. I haven't had time to think about how I feel. When I start stressing I clean.
Well I have to say this about it... I'm living in a really clean house LOL
So how am I feeling? Really feeling about everything?
I don't know.
I have received many emails about this situation.
Some of the advice is pretty sound. Almost everyone is in agreement that nobody can tell me how I should feel about all parties involved. It's something I have to figure out for myself.
I'm going to stop cleaning so much. It's almost time for the holidays. I can make it through Christmas and New Years... maybe then I'll have time to figure out how I feel. Right now I think I'm still numb. After all this time... but that's because I haven't let myself deal with reality for awhile.
I'll get it figured out.
~me
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