I don't know if it would be more anorexia or bulimia, but it is one of the two. All I wanted for a few years now was to be super thin & very beautiful. Jealousy of celebrities or popular girls in school & being teased by kids at school are two of the reasons why I got the eating disorder. I felt ugly, pathetic, fat & unwanted...I still do. I've had it for a year since Jan 2001. I hate my body & the "flab" that hangs even though no one I know sees what I see on my body. They see skin & bones & I see flab. I am about 5'1 & stay from 95-100lbs. i want to be thinner coz I feel so huge. Everyone I know tells me to eat & I hate hurting them by making them watch me die slowly. I feel guilty & self-centered but I have "Ana" & "Mia" both in me rite now & they tell me I need to lose weight.
I have a psychiatrist who I've been seeing for about a month now & he says I don't have a eating disorder. Everyone knows its true that I do. I have symptoms of them & even passed out. I feel like such a fatass & hate myself sooo much I want to die alot of the time. I feel like I don't deserve to live & people would be happy without me. How selfish is that!? But its how Ana/Mia made me...obsessed with my weight. i hate it so much but until I find a doctor who I can actually get help from & talk to...it will stay with me. I need to fight it myself maybe? I can't expect others to make me better. I hate hating food becoz I don't want food to make me feel bad & hate myself. I don't! =( But this is the life of an eating disordered girl. It sucks. We all know it sucks. More later....