| Later that night I go into the guest bedroom. I�m trying very hard to stay away awake. I�m still terrified of sleeping. Just when I am about to close my eyes there is a soft knock at my door. My brother comes in.
�I can�t sleep either.� I tell him. He smiles and pulls himself onto the bed next to me. �What�s going on?� he asks, nodding toward the television, which showed the local news. �Well, in Binghamton they�re repaving the airport so their won�t be an air show this year, oh and they are building a parking lot somewhere.� �Our town is so small we shouldn�t even have local news, it�s just depressing.� I laugh but my smile turns into tears. I don�t know why but suddenly I�ve realized that very soon I am going to be dead. Something about this second, lying here with my brother and joking about the local news reminded me that I will never live this moment again and I�ll never have the chance to live another moment like it. When I think about it I am terrified of dieing and this entire time of been in such deep denial I didn�t even know I cared. The doctors have told me that it�s not totally hopeless yet but the chances of my survival are very slim. Matt looks at me and softly says, �Maybe we can do this in the next life.� I smile slightly. Mathew has always been able to tell exactly what people are thinking. He gets off the bed and sits back into his chair then leaves. Matt�s visit helped me stay up for the rest of the night. I spent a long time reading. When the sun was starting to come up, I watched a movie on the Lifetime channel about a woman who had breast cancer and struggled for her life and by praying every night, she was able to fight her cancer and survived in the end. I finally left my room at eleven in the morning. Mathew is watching TV and as he sees me walk by, he yells to me, �Dad told me to remind you that you have an appointment at twelve.� �Yeah,� I say as pour a bowl of cereal, �I remembered.� As I sit down at the kitchen table, I realize how light and airy everything is. Even though there are dishes on the counters, the kitchen looks like it�s never been this clean. Everything seems so open and as I try to contemplate, why the kitchen seems so different, I realize Mom�s chair is gone. After I eat, I head down the hall to take a shower but the doorbell rings as I walk by it. Still in my pajamas, I go to answer it and see a young woman with long wavy brown hair and blue-grey eyes filled with tears. On her hip is a baby with brown curls like her mother�s and shocking blueberry eyes. The baby coos and it�s chubby hand reaches for my finger. The woman sniffles and wipes her tears before saying softly, �Hi.� I realize I�m starting to cry as I wrap my arms around her. It�s my sister, Sophie. Mathew calls out from the living room asking me who�s at the door but I don�t respond, I�m in too much shock. I�m wondering, is this my brain playing tricks on me again, like my phantom scents. Could my mind give me two phantom people? Mathew wheels down the hall and gasps when he sees our sister with the morning light coming in behind her and the wind tossing her hair. I finally get over some of my shock and step aside from the doorway to let her and the baby come in. �What happened?� She asks Matt as she bends down to give him a hug. My brother�s eyes are wide with awe. �Car crash.� He says airily, �It paralyzed me just a few days before Christmas, like the ultimate version of coal in the stocking except I hadn�t done anything wrong.� I can�t believe Sophie has been gone for so long and then suddenly she�s back with a baby, my niece. We go into the kitchen and Sophie sits in Dad�s chair with the baby on her lap. �Where have you been?� I ask as I wipe my eyes. �With my husband,� She told me, �in Mexico. He wasn�t a very good husband, I was far too young for him and...� She shook her head, �and he got drunk and he�d get angry. I didn�t want Anne to grow up with that. I didn�t have anywhere to go.� She looks around the kitchen then suddenly asks, �Where�s Mom and Dad?� �Dad�s at work,� Mathew says. Then he pauses, �There was a car crash a few weeks ago,� He continues, �Mom... she didn�t make it.� Sophie�s hand goes over her mouth with shock. Then we�re silent. I look at the clock. �I really need to get ready,� I kiss Sophie on her forehead, �I�m glad you�re back, we all really missed you.� As I walk down the hall, I hear my sister ask Mathew where I was going. Matt tells her I am going to the hospital. Sophie then asks why, but I don�t hear what my brother tells her. The hot shower water beating on my back makes me close my eyes and relax my shoulders. I am in so much shock of my sister�s appearance I�m still in disbelief. After washing off and getting out of the shower I quickly dry my hair and put on some fresh clothes. I wipe the foggy mirror and brush my teeth and hair then start shaving. When I�m done I throw my used towel into the dirty clothes hamper and open the bathroom door. I stop for a second and watch the steam from my shower spin with the clear air then continue to the living room where my shoes are. As I sit on the couch, tying my shoe Sophie comes into the room. She wraps her arms around me and cries into my shoulder. �Oh, baby brother,� She says, tears drowning her words, �I�m so sorry I wasn�t there for you.� Matt must have told her why I was going to the hospital. I put my hand on her head and stroke her dark coffee colored curls. I�m not thinking about my sister right now though, I�m thinking about my mom. If mom were here, we wouldn�t be able to forgive everything so easily. My mom can hold a grudge for decades, and what she does is what we should do. She wanted everyone to be like her and as sick as it sounds, her death has become freeing to all of us because we no longer feel the push to be like her. Sophie�s hair smells like cigarettes, formula, and sandalwood. I feel so relieved with her in my arms, my big sister. When we were little Sophie would get jealous of Mathew and I because she was so much older then the both of us and we were only three years apart. Suddenly we hear Mathew scream from the kitchen. Sophie runs to him immediately in fear that something had happened to the baby and I follow her closely. We find Mathew with tears in his eyes and Sophie�s baby on his chest, playing with his ear. �What is it?� My sister asks, still panicked. Matt�s eyes sparkle in way I�ve never seen before, it�s more than just tears and he has this smile on his face like he�s been touched by God. �I just moved my toe.� He says. They�ve just scanned my brain and right now my doctor is in the other room looking at the results. I feel so silly in my hospital gown and sneakers. This is something everyone experiences, feeling silly in the gown. I think of my cousin from the funeral wearing her high top converse and all her heavy makeup with her violet contacts walking through the halls of the hospital in the soft square gown. I smile. My doctor comes back with a baffled look on his face and my stomach drops. �I just don�t understand,� He has a thick New York accent, �I just don�t understand.� He looks up at me and explains, �There�s no tumor. It�s just gone. I want to take another look but, I�m pretty sure it�s not there.� I don�t even know what to think right now. So, I go back for another scan and again my doctor says he cannot find the tumor. He says everything in my brain is completely normal. I have some tests done and my doctor is pretty sure there isn�t any cancer anywhere in my body. Everything seems to be completely normal. My doctor tells me he�ll call me with final results and I go home. Dad�s car is in the driveway. Matt or Sophie must have called him and he came home early from work. I walk in and see him with a real grin on his face, not the kind he had on his birthday but a grin of true happiness, as Sophie�s baby wrapped her hand around dad�s finger and stuck it into her mouth. This has been a day full of tears of joy. Both of my brother�s shoes are off and he�s occasionally making his big toe twitch. Later that night when Mathew and Sophie are in the living room talking Dad takes me aside. There�s a woman at work that he�s been in love with for years. He�s never cheated on my mother but he�s always been in love with this woman and she�s also in love with him. Dad feels guilty for being in love with her but today they went out to lunch together and he�s never been so happy in his life. He tells me wants to go on vacation with her but something tells me that where ever he�s going he�s not planning on coming back any time soon. �If it�s okay with you,� Dad tells me, �I�d like you to take care of the house for me and take care of Matt.� He�s not abandoning us, not at all, he�s only searching for his happiness and I completely understand. Something about my mother always kept us tied down to our lives. We were supposed to be happy with our lives because she wanted us to be but we couldn�t chase the things that made us happy. |