April 4th, 2001 -
The following is a copy of an e-mail I recently sent to a friend whose grandfather is dying of cancer. I wasn't sure if she would be able to fully appreciate it, seeing as how she was pretty freaked out and upset. I figured somebody might as well absorb what I had to say...
"sorry to hear about your grandfather. it seems like you're pretty shaken up by his illness. both my grandfathers are pretty bad off as well. nathan, the one i lived with for awhile in doraville, is in a nursing home in tennessee. i went up to see him about a year and a half ago, he didn't even know who i was. i think he's almost 80, so i'm sure he's ready to go at any time. the other one, ed, just retired in january at age 73. he got a condo in florida, then got really sick and found out he has lung cancer. he has been in the hospital ever since and doesn't have very long.
if either of them died, i probably wouldn't find out until way after. hopefully i would get enough notice to attend a funeral. my family and i do not communicate that much, we are all busy and live kind of far away from each other. but really, i have to put myself in both my grandfathers' place and think about what i would want. if i'd lived as long as they have, seen all they have seen (both had 5 children and served in the military), and were as sick as they are now, i would look forward to what is next. what is beyond this world. i would not want to be a burden on my loved ones, i would not want them to have to sit and watch me get worse and worse by the day. i would not want them to dread answering the phone.
in my opinion, it would be selfish of me not to
consider their feelings. the only relative i was ever
close to was my grandmother, and she died 10 years ago
this fall (as you remember). i spoke with her the day
before she died, and she gave me some advice which i
have tried to follow ever since. it was the last time
i saw her alive. basically what you have to do is be
the best person you can while you're alive, and lead
the kind of life that will make your loved ones proud.
people freak out when their grandparents or parents
get deathly ill and try to do all kinds of stuff for
them. the best you can do for them is just to live
well and do something with the life they helped give
you. this is what they need and want from you.
for example, my grandmother had a brain tumor and went
through several operations to remove it. hers was
malignant, the kind that just keeps growing back no
matter what. she was already a small woman, and the
treatments & surgeries made her too weak to walk or do
many of the things she was used to. i took it upon
myself to help her and my grandpa as much as i could
(she always took care of him before, so he was lost
when she got sick). i'd go grocery shopping with them,
push her around in her wheelchair, that type of stuff.
for a 14-year-old boy, this was a pretty selfless
thing to do with my time. i thought it was the right
thing to do, but there was more to it than that.
she told me that, while she did appreciate my help, my good deeds would eventually be forgotten after she'd died and the family moved on over the years. it was more important, she said, for me to live my life the best way i could and to do something with it. if i really wanted to do something for her that would truly last forever, she said, this was what i needed to do. the next day, she was gone, and i didn't cry. at the viewing, i went in to look at her body one last time, even though my grandfather had to practically insist that i do so. i was scared, but when i looked at her face, i smiled. i was overcome with a feeling of peace, of rest, of finality, of assurance. i have never attended church and was not raised a christian, so that was the closest thing to a spiritual experience that i have ever had.
since then, i have done my best to follow my grandmother's advice. those who know me seem to think a lot of me, and i feel that i am a good person and i have made wise choices. along the way, i know i've made a lot of mistakes, but all my experiences (good and bad) have made me who i am. i feel it is my duty to honor those who are responsible for giving me this life by doing what i think is right, treating people fairly and with respect, and asking nothing in return but the same from others. i know i am far from perfect, as was my grandmother and both my grandfathers, and i do not think i am better than anyone else. my job is to be andrew, and all that entails, but nothing more. very simple."
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