Men vs. Women
Women have many faults
Men only have 2
Everything they say
And everything they do
RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationship a
relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and
Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say
"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But
I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is
known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX: Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old
females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a
room, watching tele- vision, and an episode of "The Three
Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate
the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's"
with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in
their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to
read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put
a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS: A man has at most seven items in his bathroom -
a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of
soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked
women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the
male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light
of day.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and
then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a
lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT: When a man says he's ready to go out, it means
he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring,
finishes putting on her makeup...
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a
Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will
carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she
arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes
later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
CATS: Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in
the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head...
GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and to store
their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in
garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden
things in garages.
MOVIES: For women, their favorite movie scene is when
Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone
With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae
Clark's face in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more
than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes
through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies
with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communications
tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other
people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.
LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a
boxing match on television, and one of the fighters is felled by
a low blow.
The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving and she finds
herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas
station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop
and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all
the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new
way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood.
I recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a
mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George
Custer.
RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy
in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works out at the health club and dates only married women.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water
the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get
the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
NUDITY IN MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies
has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the
history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard
Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest
man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll
shell out $4000 for state- of-the-art equipment, and build
darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking
shots.
POLITICS: Men love to talk about politics, but they often
forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able
to campaign for them and cry on election night.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room, men talk about three
things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money,
they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do,
and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in
abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never*
lie.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he
will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and expect to meet a
beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk
about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
GYM SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard
white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they
reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.
Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated
juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve
cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks,
beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to
operate.
PLANTS: A woman will ask a man to water her plants while
she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead
plants.
No one knows why this happens.
NICKNAMES: With the exception of female body-builders, who
call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big
Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and
Louse.
There are five things that women should never,
ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of
Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does
not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry
if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you
are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously,
this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of
five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know,"
Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may
answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to quickly,
confidently, and emphatically state, "No, of course not"
and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a
passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a
traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any
case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would
perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's
Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid
exchange:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I
died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the
husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife
after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you
let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take
down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's
left-handed..."