A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. The man thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
"No...I think I'll just wait for the police," the rabbi replies.

Sammy calls his Bubby from New Mexico, and the conversation goes something like this:

Bubby: Hello?
Sammy: Hello, Bubby.
Bubby: So nice to hear your voice, my Sammela; tell me, what's new in Mexico?
Sammy: Bubby, I don't know about Mexico; I am in New Mexico.
Bubby: That's nice Sammy, so tell me, what's new in New Mexico?
Sammy: I'm getting married, Bubby!
Bubby: Married, my Sammela, how wonderful; tell me all about her; tell me about the family...
Sammy: Well, Bubby, they are not like our people; they're Native Americans, Bubby.
Bubby: So, they are first generation!
Sammy: No, Bubby, you don't understand; they live on a reservation.
Bubby: Sammela, what's the problem; your own mother couldn't cook a lick till I taught her, and was always making reservations....
Sammy: No, Bubby, you don't understand; we are getting married in a teepee!
Bubby: Ohhh, Sammela, that is nice; nu, so when is the wedding?
Sammy: But Bubby, I have to tell you, you won't be able to come to the wedding.
Bubby: But why Sammela, your Bubby has to be at your wedding!
Sammy: Bubby, I am sorry, but only native Amercians, and persons with Indian names can attend.
Bubby: Well, then, I will be there.
Sammy: How Bubby, how, you don't have an Indian name!
Bubby: Yes Sammela, I do.
Sammy: What, Bubby, what's your Indian name?
Bubby: Sitting Shiva.

A Jewish father is concerned about his son's math grades. The boy is obviously bright, and scores well in every other subject, but with math the kid just can't generate any enthusiasm. When he investigates in person, the father finds out there's no enthusiasm in the teacher either, and resolves to move the boy to a different school.

After a lot of shopping around, and some soul-searching, he sends the kid to a Catholic school with a good reputation. The grades improve immediately, and not only is the boy suddenly proficient, to papa's amazement and the kid's own, he's at the top of the class.

"Well, son, that's wonderful! Is the teacher so much better?"
"Well, not really, Papa."
"Oh. Well then, is the math more fun?"
"Well, not really, Papa."
"Oh. Well then, is it just easier than at the old school?"
"No, Papa, not really."
"Oh. Then why are you suddenly getting such wonderful grades?"
"Well, I think they just take math a lot more seriously. I decided I'd better start working harder the first day when I walked into the school, and there was this guy up on the wall, nailed to a big plus sign!"

A Jew and a Chinese man were having a discussion. All of a sudden the Jew punched the Chinese guy in the nose. Being very surprised, the Chinese guy asked the Jew what the punch was for. He replied that it was for his brother, who died at Pearl Harbor in 1941! The Chinese guy was astonished. "That was the Japanese, not the Chinese!" he exclaimed. "Oh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, you guys are all the same!"

The conversation continued....

After a while the Chinese guy punched the Jew in the nose. "Wow, what was that for?" asked the Jew. "That was for my brother who died on the Titanic," was the reply. "The Titanic? What does that have to do with me?" the Jew wanted to know. "Oh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, you guys are all the same!"

In fourth grade, the teacher asks: "Who can tell us who Moses' mother was?"
Jacob shoots back: "Pharaoh's daughter."
Teacher: "But she only found him floating on the river!"
Jacob (with a sneer): "Yeah, that's what SHE said!"

Q: What's the definition of chutzpah?
A: A kid who kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he's an orphan.

Some of my gentile friends insist that Jesus was a Jew. He certainly was not! If he had been one, he would not have participated in the Last Supper but would have gone for the Early Bird instead.

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee. The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

The board of the synogogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract. The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house, the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis." The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a new Tallis--why?" "Because," replied the President, "those fringe benefits will kill us!"

Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison system.

The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life."

The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."

"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."

Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83, who was complaining:
"Moishe, I'm not the same any more. I can't remember so many things!"
"It vas the same thing mit myselve! But I took a memory course."
"Vos? Does this help?"
"Sure it does."
"So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
"This is called mnemonics. You take something that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
"I vant to take this course! Vat is it called?"
"It is called...hum...the name...oy...eh...Vait! Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
"A rose, right?"
"Right! ROSE, ROSE MY DEAR, what is the name of that memory course we took?"

The Hebrew people were sitting aroung Mt. Sinai. You could hear only subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air: For hours now, Moses was on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by the clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear a thunder roling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass.

The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep moutain side carrying a heavy load. Moses.

He set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him, I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."

Sam Leibovitz foolishly decided to climb mount Carmel--if you knew Sam Leibovitz, you would agree it was a foolish thing to begin with, the original overweight and short-of-breath 8th-Ave.-type climbing a mountain--and so it had to happen. He tripped on a loose stone and fell. He slid down for about 30 feet before he could grab a branch on a small bush, just before he would have fallen straight down. He looked down; there was nothing beneath him for four hundred more feet and not a soul in sight.

He started to pray. "Oh God, help me please, save me, Ha-Shem, please let me live, If you would not do it for me, do it for my family, my wife and children, Oh God--please..."

He went on unendingly, imploring, begging, praying until suddenly he heard a deep resounding voice from somewhere above: "Son--I heard you. Do you have faith in me? Do you trust me implicitly?"
"Oh my Lord! Oh yes I have faith in you--I always had faith in you with all my heart and soul. Please help me."
"You have to trust me completely--no holdbacks!"
"I do--I do, Ha-Shem."
"Then let go of that bush."
"WHAT?"
"I said, let go of that bush!"
A long pause. Then Sam came up cautiously: "Excuse me Sir, is there anyone else up there?"

At an ecumenical conference for clergymen of various faiths, three of the delegates were relaxing one evening after the arduous duties of the day. To put not too fine a point on it, Father O'Connell, Reverend Wilson, and Rabbi Cohen were indulging in a friendly game of poker.

Unfortunately, in their excitement they grew a little noisy and the hotel detective, in a burst of overzealousness, entered the room, confiscated the chips and cards, and arrested them under the strict anti-gambling statutes of the town in which the conference was being held.

The magistrate before whom they appeared was acutely embarrassed. "Gentlemen," he said, "I would rather this had not happened, but there seems to be evidence of a misdemeanor, and since you have been arrested, I cannot dismiss the case without some investigation. Nevertheless, in view of your profession, I feel I can trust you to tell the truth. I will ask for no evidence other than your bare words. If each of you can tell me that you were not gambling, that would be sufficient for me and I will release you. Father O'Connell--"

The worthy priest said at once, "Your Honor, surely it is important to be certain that we define what we mean by gambling. In a narrow, but entirely valid sense, what we describe as gambling is only truly so if there is a desire to win money, rather than merely to enjoy the suspense of the fall of cards. In addition we might confine gambling to situations where the loss of money would be harmful, as otherwise such loss might merely be viewed as a variable admission fee--"

"I understand," interrupted the magistrate. "I will take it, then, that you, Father O'Connell, were not gambling by your definition of the word. And you, Reverend Wilson?"

The good minister straightened his tie and said, "I entirely agree with my learned colleague, Your Honor. Further, I might point out that gambling is gambling only if there are stakes involved. Admittedly, there were chips on the table, but it remains to be determined whether these represented money which would eventually have found its way into the possession of an individual not its owner at the start of the game, or if, in fact, it was merely being used as a convenient marker that would indicate the progress and direction of successive--"

"Yes, yes," interrupted the magistrate again. "I will accept that as satisfactory indication that you were not gambling, Reverend Wilson. And now you, Rabbi Cohen. Were you gambling?"

The pious rabbi's eyebrows shot upward. "With whom, Your Honor?"

The prime minister of Israel, 'Bibi' Netanyahu, was concerned about the public image of his country. What with the terrorism and anti-terrorism going on he felt that something had to be done to correct the image of Israel in the public mind of the world. So he hired a famous Madison Avenue public relations firm who studied the situation for several months, which conducted polls all over the world and then came up with a report that stated: "After having probed deeply into the matter, we have come to the conclusion that nothing can be achieved unless the name of the country is changed from Israel to Irving."

It's Erev Rosh HaShanah, and services are about to begin. The synagogue is packed. As the congregants are milling around, shmoozing before services, everyone seems to be distracted by a man who has brought with him a rather large dog. "What chutzpah!" an elderly woman whispers aloud.

Services begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the dog behaves.

The next morning, the man and his dog arrive early and promptly begin dovening. This time, the dog is wearing its own little tallis and yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer inspection, to be shuckling back and forth as the hazzan intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed.

The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The solemn worship service begins. The man and his dog are back, and this time, just as the hazzan is about to begin the prayers, the dog stands up on its hind legs and howls "Ba-ROOOOOOOCH....!" more melodically than the best hazzan.

After the service, everyone is clamoring to meet this man and his remarkable dog. Finally the rabbi comes up to him and says, "That's one talented pooch you have there. You know, you should really consider sending your dog to a yeshiva!"
The man looks down, shakes his head, and says, "I know, I know.... And all he talks about is med school!"

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent.
"I want to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's filled to the brim with Indians."
"I want to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I want to go to India."

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never- ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
"That's okay."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words.
"Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded:
"Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sheldon, come home."

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Q: What do you get when you cross a yekke with a lubavitcher?

A: A Moshiach who comes on time!

One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his son, comes home. Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop! What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and lots more memory than you have here." To which Abraham replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."

The Jewish astronaut was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit. He replied, "My mother said that when I do a spacewalk I should look nice."

The frantic Jewish astronaut radioed mission control.
"I must make an emergency landing!"
"Why?"
"My wife called and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."

O'Brien loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course and get paired up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he went to his favorite course and the starter said, "I'm sorry O'Brien, but the only group I can put you with is one with three Chassidic rabbis."

O'Brien says, "That's fine with me."

He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out and off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight out into the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak's shot is about 290 and Reb Yaacov's is 300, but slightly off center. O'Brien has trouble with getting out of the rough and three-putts, while the rabbis' approach shots are right on the pin, they two-putt for par.

The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi's scores either par or under par, while O'Brien has a 90. He says to them, "You guys must play and practice all the time."

Reb Yitzchak says, "No, we study all the time and only play once a week. But, on our Sabbath, while we are in shul, we say a prayer asking God to give us one good round of golf each week."

O'Brien is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife that they are converting. They study, convert, join a shul, and go to services every Shabbat.

About a year later, O'Brien runs into the threesome at the same course and they invite him to play with them. The game is exactly like last year's. O'Brien is doing nothing right, and the three are perfect. At the end, O'Brien says to the rabbis, "I don't understand it. I converted, joined a shul, pray every week."
Reb Moshe says, "You joined a shul? Which one?"
O'Brien says, "Beth El."
Reb Moshe says, "Stupid--Beth El is for TENNIS!"

A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure. The priest says, "It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image." The minister says, "It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply." The rabbi says "I'm not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone to come in and do it for her."

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

The learned Rabbi of Dubno had a shammas in his shul who had listened to the rebbe's great discourses for many years. One day the shammas, tired of sweeping the floor and stacking prayer books, asked the rav if they could do a secret switch so that this Shabbas he could expound on the Torah.
The rabbi consented, and the shammas spoke eloquently. Afterwards, a Yeshiva student from afar wished to see him privately. "I have heard of your great wisdom," he told the disguised shammas, "and felt only you could answer this most difficult question."
The rabbi, sweeping up in the back, overheard and wondered how his Shammas could possibly answer the young man's query, which assumed great scholarship. Surely they would be greatly embarassed. How would he escape?
The great rav then overheard the shammas say, "You mean, you came all the way to Dubno just to ask me that! That question is so simple! Why it's so simple that in Dubno, I do not have to answer it. Here, a question like that, we just ask the Shammas!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Jew from Tangiers find themselves playing poker. Everyone had to lay down $100 to get into the game. At certain point, Jacob forgot to put down his $100, but nobody noticed. Finally the Frenchman, noticing that the $100 were missing, accused the Englishman: "You forgot to put down your $100!"
"You're the one who did not put down the $100!" answered the Englishman.
At that same moment Jacob, taking advantage of the momentum, stood up, took $100 from the table, and said, "Look guys, if you're going to keep arguing I'll take my 100 bucks and go!"

An elderly Jewish man was going to be knighted by the Queen of England. He was given a Latin sentence to recite when the Queen stood in front of him. As the Queen and her attendant made their way down the line, knighting others, the old man became more and more nervous.

When at last the Queen stood in front of him, he completely forgot the Latin sentence he had been given, so he recited the only foreign language he knew, "Ma nish ta na ha laila hazeh mikol ha lailot?" Since every other honoree had repeated the same sentence, the surprised Queen turned to her attendant and asked, "And why is this knight different from all other knights?"

JEWISH PERSONAL ADS

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.

A Jewish woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper.
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.
"14! For what?" asked the Jewish lady. "I think it's 11."
The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11."
"What are your saying?"
"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."

The Priest and the Rabbi have been friends for many years, and one day the Priest says to the Rabbi, "Why don't you come to my church and I will visit your temple, and we will learn even more about each other?"

So the Rabbi comes to the church that Sunday and the Priest is happy to see him. The Priest says, "Please come into the confessional with me before I give my sermon." While they are sitting there, a woman comes in and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
The Priest says, "What have you done, my child ?"
The woman replies, "I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Put ten dollars in the donation plate on the way out and say a prayer for your sins, the Lord is forgiving."
The Priest is called to begin his sermon and turns to the Rabbi and says, "Please take over for me a while, I think you get the idea of it..."

The Rabbi is in the confessional when another woman comes in and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
The Rabbi says, "Nu, so what did you do?"
"I have commited adultery."
"So how many times?"
"Only once."
"That's okay. Even two more times, it will only cost you ten bucks!"

Ira comes home from his visit to the doctor very flustered; he calls to his wife, Esther:

"Esther, I have terrible news."
"What is it Ira?"
"The doctor says I have HERPES!"
"Herpes! Oh that's terrible! Hey Ira, by the way, what is herpes?"
"You know, Esther, I'm not sure myself, I'm going to look it up."

After panickedly looking in a book, Ira says: "Oh, thank G-d Esther, the doctor made a mistake."
"But Ira, how can you be so sure?"
"Because it says right here: 'Herpes: a disease of the GENTILES!'"

Mr. Eisner and Mr. Rosen meet in London in '68, Mr. Eisner having immigrated to England after his liberation from a concentration camp, where he and Mr. Rosen became friends. Mr. Rosen, meanwhile remained in Czechoslovakia and had left the country for the first time, thanks to "Prague Spring" and Mr. Dubcek, and all that.

Anyway, they meet in London. Mr. Eisner looks surprised: "My God it is them, Rosen, I haven't seen them since transport and I thought they have perished. It's good to see them!" (Jews in Europe addressed each other in third person, being super polite.)

"Listen, Eisner," retorts Mr. Rosen, "they don't look that bad. The last time I saw them, they couldn't keep up the prison pants. That's how skinny they were and they owe their life to me."

"Look, Rosen," says Mr. Eisner, "why don't they come to my joint and have some fun; they'll be the establishment's guest, it's on the house. What do they say?" Rosen and his wife agreed.

In the early evening, a limo pulls up to the bed and breakfast they have been staying in and takes them through the glitter of London to a palatial Chinese restaurant. "Geezus," wanders Rosen out loud. "Tell me, Eisner, how come they have opened a Chinese restaurant?"

"Well, I just wanted a bit of exotica," answers Eisner. "Look, have a seat, order anything at all, and it's all on the house. It's finally a pay back time, since they've saved my life back in '44."

They dined on Bird nest soup, and hundreds of the finest Chinese specialties; finally the evening came to an end. Eisner comes to his guest's table and enquires, if everything is in order, if there is anything the matter at all.

Well, Rosen cannot keep his excitement in check any longer; he blurts out: "Geezus, Eisner, how did they manage to get such a representative joint, I mean they're a Jew and they own a fine, fine Chinese restaurant! That's fabulous!"

Eisner just stands there and nods his head and Rosen goes on: "And one more thing, Eisner, how did they manage to teach the Chinese personnel Yiddish?"

Eisner's eyes dart around the room, he raises a finger to his lips, and says: "For God's sake, man, keep it down; they think they speak English!"

Yossi and Yitzhak are on a train across Poland, each on his way to meet a prospective bride on the other side of the country. Halfway there, Yitzhak turns to Yossi and says, "Forget about this whole marriage thing. I just don't like the idea." So he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home. Meanwhile, Yossi continues on and is met at the final destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides. When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly begin to fight over whose daughter should wed this precious little boychik. "He's mine!" cries one. "Not on your life," cries the other, "He will marry my daughter!" After bickering for a while, Yossi and the two mothers decide to go the rebbe and ask him to resolve the situation. In the grand tradition of the ancients, the rebbe replies, "Well, there is only one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you each take half home with you." At this, the first mother looks shocked, while the second mother grins and cries emphatically, "Yah! Cut him in half!!" The rebbe points to the second mother and says, "THAT is the real mother-in-law. Case closed."

Feggala Rothstein from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s. Upon trying to checking into a nice hotel, the concierge told her, "Sorry, there's no vacancy." Just then, a man checked out. Feggala then exclaimed, "Good, now you have a room."
"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "this hotel is restricted."
"And what does that mean?" she asked him.
"Jews aren't allowed here!"
"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.
"I know you are!"
"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.
"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?"
"Sure."
"What was his name?"
"Jesus."
"And where was he born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a stable."
"And WHY was he born there?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"

Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York. One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?" The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?" The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?" The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?" The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz the mohel there?" The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that!?" The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"

Billy Graham went to see the pope in Rome. As he was waiting in the anteroom, Billy noiticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to His Holiness, he asked, "What's the red phone for?" "That's to talk to God," came the reply. "Really!" Reverend Graham gasped. "How much is that call?" "Well, it's $20,000 a minute, but well worth it!" answered the pope.

A while later, Mr. Graham went to see the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," inquired a startled Billy Graham, "that this phone is to talk to God?" "Yes, it is!" came the reply. "And how much does that cost?" he inquired. "Why, it's twenty cents a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi. "How come so cheap?" Billy asked. "The pope has a phone like that and it costs $20,000 a minute!" "Well," grinned the chief rabbi, "From here it's a LOCAL call!"

Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.

Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.

Inaugaration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"

An elderly Jewish man enters a Catholic church and confronts the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married for 64 years. Last week I had crazed, joyous sex with a 24-year-old super-model!"

The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go to confession, old man?"

The old Jewish man replies, "Why should a Jewish man such as myself go to confession?"

The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish, why then are you telling me this story?"

The old man replies, "Ach, I'm telling everyone!"

A questionnaire for synagogue seating in Miami goes as follows:

PLEASE CIRCLE ONE ANSWER FOR EACH QUESTION:

1. I would prefer to sit in the

a. talking section

b. no talking section

2. If talking, which sub-category do you prefer?

a. business

b. medical

c. politics

d. hard gossip

e. character analysis

f. grandchildren

g. fur coats

h. what's wrong with the chazen

i. what's wrong with the rabbi

j. what's wrong with the prime minister

3. I want a seat located

a. near my in-laws

b. far from my in-laws

c. far from my ex-in-laws

d. near the pulpit

e. near the Kiddush table

f. near the exit

It is Palestine, 1947. A bunch of "jackes" have been recruited by the Jewish rebel forces to help with the fight for independence. The Palestinian-born captain tells the jackes "We need to form a supply line for the cannon sitting on top of that hill. I want you guys to stand next to each other in a single file moving up along the hill all the way to the cannon. Then, you will quickly move all these shells to the top of the hill by passing it from hand to hand. Don't forget--the enemy is not far away. I don't want to hear a peep out of anyone. We need to do this QUICKLY AND QUIETLY!!"

The jackes form the supply line, and quickly start moving the ammo up the hill. Soon afterwards, however, the captain hears a light murmur emanating from the hill. Positively fuming, he runs over to the installation only to see that the jackes are whispering in unison, "Danke schon...bitte schon...danke schon...bitte schon...danke schon...bitte schon..." as they receive and pass on the shells.

A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers on a plane. After a while the plane's engine conks out; the priest grabs the only parachute and jumps out! The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you live?" The rabbi answers, "Don't worry, the priest took my tallis bag!"

The son of the old rabbi converts and is baptized. When the rabbi dies, God reproaches him in Heaven: "How could you tolerate that your son Christianized?" The rabbi replies, "And what about your son?"

In the mid-19th century, Goldberg became the first Jew to be knighted by the British Empire. At the ceremony, however, he refused to kneel in front of Queen Victoria as is customary. Flustered, she asked a courtier, "And what makes this knight different from all other knights?"

In a Madrid train station, there were two Jews in the line to buy tickets to Paris. A few people behind were two Turkish guys quietly watching the Jews, always wanting to play tricks on them. When the moment came, the Jews bought only one ticket but, to the astonishment of the Turks, the two of them got on the train.

As it was a non-stop trip, at a certain moment a conductor came into the car and started clipping the passengers' tickets. The Turks, watching the Jews, started to giggle, certain that the Jews would be caught. But, to the Turks' amazement, before the conductor could see, the Jews ran and both went into a single lavatory.

Used to having people in the toilets, the conductor knocked on the door: "Paris, Paris, ticket, please!" Immediately, the Jews slipped the only ticket they had under the door for the man to clip it. The Turks were astounded by the trick (and mad, because they had spent money unnecessarily).

After a few days, Turks could be seen in the line to purchase tickets back to Madrid. The Jews came a bit later. Of course, the Turks bought only one ticket. What surprised them was that when the Jews saw it, they left the line without tickets.

Again came the moment when the conductor stepped into the car. The two Turks went for the toilet right away, the same way the Jews had done before. The Jews sat patiently until the Turks were in the lavatory. Then, in a flash, they went to the toilet and knocked on the Turks' door. The Turks immediately slipped the ticket underneath the door. The Jews grabbed it and dashed into the next lavatory....

A Jew started to shave and sudenly remembered that it was Saturday! One cheek still covered with shaving cream, he ran to see the rabbi. He entered the rabbi's house and...oy gevalt the rabbi is shaving too!
"Rabbi, isn't it Saturday today?" timidly asked the Jew.
"Truly it is," answered the rabbi.
"But is it permitted to shave on Saturday?!" the astonished Jew asked.
"Well, I did not ask anybody."

In a train compartment in Russia at the turn of the century a Jew met a Russian general. The general travels with a dog by the name 'Moshe.' For the whole ride, the general was commanding the dog: "Moshe, stay!" "Moshe, roll over!" etc.
Teasingly looking at the Jew, the general said, "It is a very smart dog, isn't it."
"Oh yes," answered the Jew. "If it was not Jewish it would become a general!"

A very angry math teacher entered class:
"Ivan, name me a two-digit number."
"56."
"Why not 65?! Sit down, you have a D-. Peter, name me a two-digit number."
"18."
"Why not 81? D- for you, too. Abram, name me a two-digit number."
"33."
"Why not.... Abram! Stop these Jewish tricks at once!"

It was right before Yom Kippur and the rabbi sees the shamas entering a Chinese restaurant. He could not believe his eyes! Worse yet, as he peers into the window, he sees the shamas talk to the waiter and sit down. The rabbi is beside himself, goes into the resteraunt and spies further; he sees the shamas order: lobster and pork.

The rabbi, pointing his finger at the shamas, asks what is the meaning of his act. The shamas calmy asks the rabbi, "Rabbi, you saw with our own eyes that I entered the restaurant and that I am eating traiff?" "Of course," says the rabbi, "why do you think I am so angry with you?" "Well, rabbi," says the shamas, "what is the problem as long as I am under rabbinical supervision?"

In Stalin's Moscow, word comes one day that a butcher shop downtown will have meat for the first time in weeks. Hordes assemble outside the shop and wait for the doors to open. At 9 o'clock, a party commissar appears.

"There's less meat than we thought," he says. "All Jews must leave the line." Grumbling, the Jews reluctantly leave. An hour later, the line hasn't moved. The commissar reappears: "There's even less meat than we thought; all enemies of the party must leave the line." A small number leave, spouting anti-Communist rhetoric. Three hours later, the commissar opens the doors again. "Go home! There's no meat after all." At this, a great cry goes up from the remaining crowd: "Those Jews--always getting the better deal!"

The chief rabbi and the archbishop of Canterbury are travelling by train together. After they have both done the Times crossword (in ink, in five minutes) they start to talk. After a bit the archbishop leans forward and says, confidentially, "I have always wanted to know, have you ever eaten pork?" At this the rabbi blushes and replies, "I'm sorry to say I have. But in return, could you tell me if you have ever mixed with loose women?" At this the archbishop blushes bright red and says, "Well, I'm afraid I have." The rabbi laughs, "Much nicer than pork cutlets, aren't they!"

A rabbi is hearing two opposing sides of a Talmudic argument. After hearing the first one, he says, "You're right." Then, after hearing the second one, he says "And you're right." Immediately, the rebbetzin butts in: "What's the matter with you? they're arguing opposite sides--they can't both be right!" To which the rabbi replies, "And you're right, too."

91-year-old Goldstein and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"

The answer: "We were just waiting for the kids to die."

A Ukrainian "pan" (wealthy merchant) and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train. And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:

Pan: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when travelling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."

Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"

A beggar is sitting at the train station, with the tag around his neck: "Give a few pennies for a poor Jew to survive." Next to him another beggar, with the tag: "Give a few pennies for a poor Russian to survive."

Every one passes, and drops a penny for the Russian, but none to the Jew. One of the people approaches the Jew and tells him: "Look, every one says you Jews are clever people. Don't you see no one is going to give you anything? Why don't you, too, write 'Give a few pennies for a poor Russian?'"

Our beggar turns to the Russian, and says, in Yiddish: "You hear, Moishe, he is going to teach us how to make a living..."

A ship goes down in the South Pacific and Weinstein, the only survivor, manages to swim to an uninhabited island. When a search party finally comes to rescue him many years later, they see that he has constructed not one but two synagogues on his tiny island! "Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks Weinstein.

Weinstein points to the closer one and says, "That's the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn't go inside if you paid me!"

A security guard at a classy Boca Raton club spots Levine, clearly not a club member, taking a dip on the club beach.

"Can't you read the sign?" he shouts to Levine.

"Sure!" Levine replies. "It says: 'Private Beach? No-- Swimming Allowed!'"

Young Josh Liebman has just moved out on his own; his aged mother has relocated to a retirement community in Florida. At first, he calls her every week. Eventually, however, he calls less and less frequently.

One day, Liebman's phone rings. It's the county hospital in Florida; they have his mother in intensive care, suffering from acute malnutrition. Her neighbor alerted emergency services after failing to see Mrs. Liebman for several days.

Young Liebman jets down to Florida and rushes to his sick mother's bedside. "Mom, what's the matter, why didn't you eat anything? I always sent you plenty of money!" he cries. In a creaking, feeble voice, she responds, "I didn't want to have my mouth full in case you called..."

A man asks his fellow passenger on a train, "Are you Jewish?"

"No, I'm not," the man replies.

A few stops later, the first man asks again, "Sure you're not Jewish?" The other replies in the negative again, bemused.

Finally, as they near the end of the line, the first man can't bear it anymore. "You must be Jewish!" he exclaims. "Alright, alright, I'm Jewish, it's true," the other cries. The first man looks mildly confused and says, "Funny, you don't look Jewish!"

Baron Rothschild enters a small town in Russia and, hungry, heads straight for a tiny cafe. He orders two hard-boiled eggs. The bill comes, for an exorbitant twenty rubles. Astonished, he asks the owner, "Twenty rubles--are eggs so rare in these parts?"

"No," the man replies, "but Rothschilds are!"

A young Jewish boy asks his father for fifty dollars. "Forty dollars--" his dad cries, "what do you want with thirty dollars?"

An old man enters the post office in Minsk. "How often does the mail go to Pinsk?" he asks.

"Every day, of course," the postmaster replies.

The old man thinks for a second and then asks, "Thursdays, too?"

Feldman has been eating lunch at the same delicatessen every weekday for the last twenty years. And each of those days, the same waiter has served him the same matzo ball soup and smoked meat sandwich. One day, Feldman comes in, and the waiter brings out the soup as usual. Feldman takes one look at the soup, and exclaims, "Waiter, taste this soup!"
The waiter is puzzled. "Surely you're kidding, Feldman," he says.
"Taste this soup!" Feldman again commands.
Now the waiter is beginning to be agitated. "Every day for twenty years, Feldman, you've come in here and had the same soup! Now all of a sudden there's a problem?"
"TASTE THIS SOUP!" Feldman yells.
"Alright, alright," says the waiter. "Where's the spoon?"
"AHA!" says Feldman triumphantly.

Lord and Lady Todd are visiting their Jewish friends in New York City. Their friends take them to a deli for a bowl of matzo ball soup. "Delicious!" exclaims Lord Todd upon tasting the soup. "And what other parts of the matzo do your people eat?"

The scene is a country club in Florida. Three old men are looking for a fourth for bridge; they finally find another man who knows how to play. One of them introduces the crew: "I'm Collins, that's Kane and he's Corman."

"What's your name?" he asks the new guy.

"Oh, also Cohen," the man replies.

A Reform rabbi wakes up on Yom Kippur and sees it's a beautiful day for golf. Despite the holy day, he can't resist a game. God and Moses are watching from on high. "Look at that!" Moses says. "Aren't you going to punish him, God?"

God points his finger down at the earth and, presto, the rabbi's next shot is a hole-in-one.

"What was that for?" Moses shouts. "That's punishment?"

God smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy--to taste pork. He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat. At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal--what else?--roast suckling pig.

"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"

A much respected rabbi is at death's door. His students crowd around his bed, and one finally asks, "Rabbi, you have seen so much. Tell us, what is the meaning of life?" "Life," the rabbi replies haltingly, "is a fountain."

The students clamor, "A fountain, what does that mean?"

"Alright," the rabbi groans, "so it's not a fountain!"

A Jew newly entered to heaven sees his old rabbi in the distance. Excited, he rushes over. The rabbi is sitting by the side of a pool with a twenty-year-old blonde fawning over him.

"Rabbi," the man exclaims, "is this your idea of heaven?" "No," the rabbi says mournfully, "it's her idea of hell."

An elderly Jew is on his deathbed and, much to his relatives' surprise, calls for a priest. When the priest arrives, the man declares, "I want to convert."

Confused, the priest asks, "Sir, why on earth would you want to become a Catholic when you've lived all your life a Jew?"

"Better one of them should die than one of us!" the man snaps.

Every time a new pope is elected, the chief rabbi of Jerusalem travels to the Vatican and delivers a small scroll of papyrus to the new pontiff. As the ritual goes, the pope waits several days and then returns the scroll.

When John Paul II was elected, he asked the chief rabbi what the ritual meant--what was in the scroll? The rabbi had no idea, but promised to check with the scholars back in the Holy City.

After a few weeks, the rabbi returned. The pope was very eager to find out what the scroll's contents were, and begged the rabbi to tell him.

"You don't want to know," the rabbi warned him. But the pope's curiosity was irresistible, and he asked again.

"Well," the rabbi sighed, "it's the catering bill for the Last Supper."