What is the difference between an Italian wife and a Jewish wife?

An Italian wife tells her husband to buy Viagra; a Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer!

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic carmaker, Henry Ford. "Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars."
Then he paused. "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: NORM - HI - MAX

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenbeerg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

Moishe was on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beatiful girl, really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Miami."
"What are you doing in NY?"
"I'm finishing my Ph. D."
"What's it about?"
"It's a study of which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
"And what is the conclusion?"
"The two groups are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you, my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"

Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them. So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-worldly powers like they had so many years before.

The pair went to the Red Sea, and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger. Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?"
"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.
So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.
"Must be those holes in your feet," Moses responded.

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it.

When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the Coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples...this hatred...this animosity...this spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

From [email protected]:

Q. What did the blind man say after being given a piece of matzoh?
A. Who wrote this crap?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother.... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

A women was sending her only son to school for the first time. She told him, "Now, bubila, this is your first time at school, bubila, and I want you to be a good boy, bubila, do you understand me, bubila? And when you come back from school, bubila, you are going to tell me everything you learned today, okay bubila?"
And her son replied, "Yes Mama."

And he went to school. He came home and his mother said to him, "Well, bubila, what did you learn in school today?"

And her son replied, "Mama, I learned that my name is Irving."

Two little Jewish ladies are having a discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?>
Sadie: Nothing much; just going out with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose : Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg last week. You wouldn't believe what happened! He took me to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. Once we were in my living room he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there, right then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear a shmatah.

Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
"Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay!"
The second confesses: "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."
The third, Moishe, begins: "I don't know how to tell you...."
"Don't be shy," the two friends said.
"Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

Subject: KOSHER SYMBOLS A few Kosher symbols you may have overlooked... K.O. - Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation
DANNY K - Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians
K SERA SERA - Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism
K MART - Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to discount their normal fees and make money through volume
YUD K, VOV K - Under Divine Supervision
I'M OK, YOU'RE OK - Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association

President Clinton was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before him. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbat, and they meet each other at the synagogue, and there is a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret: 'Nu?' When one says to other, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
This Clinton wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him like a Hassid, and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Clinton arrived at a synagogue on shabbat, and sat beside another religious man. He waited for an moment, and said, "Nu?"
The man answered, "Shh, Clinton is coming!"

Mr. Goldstein runs a factory which produces NAILS. He is getting on in years, and decides that he wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few months--will you look after the factory for me?" "Not a problem," says Moishe.

Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory.

"Well," says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?" Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and opens up the figures for him. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales.

The father is absolutely overjoyed and asks him, "How did you achieve this result?"
Moishe answers that it was just too easy. He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Jesus on the cross, and underneath is written in big letters, "WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS." Well, the father is horrified--"How could you do this to me. You know that I am President of the local U.J.A., I sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is President of her Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again." Moishe appologizes and promises that it won't happen again.

A year later, Goldstein has the urge again to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. Not a problem, says Moishe. Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they return home, Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and Moishe again brings out the books to show his Dad the figures. Guess what--again he has doubled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.

"Moishe, the last time you tripled the figures, but this time again you tripled those figures. Tell me, how did you achieve such a result?"
"Dead easy" replies Moishe. He goes to the drawer, and brings out a poster of Jesus lying on the ground. And below, in big lettering is printed, "WE DID NOT USE GOLDTEIN'S NAILS."

Isaac calls his son in New York and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Isaac receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Isaac promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Isaac turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"

Jacob was walking home, when suddenly he stumbled on a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp, and out came a Muslim genie. The genie told Jacob he could make three wishes, but that he would give twice the same thing to his worst enemy.

Jacob immediately thought about his annoying neighbor. Then he asked the genie for a big mountain of gold. Poof--there was a big mountain of gold on his backyard. He looked at the other side of the street, and his neighbor had two big mountains of gold.

Then he asked the genie for the ten most beautiful women the genie could think of. Poof--there were in front of him ten statuesque supermodels. He looked at the other side of the street, and his neighbor had twenty superstars from Hollywood.

Now Jacob had plenty of money and beautiful women. So he asked the genius: Does it hurt to take out one testicle?

Myron's watch was not working. He remembered passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said Myron.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked Myron.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."
Myron was getting exasperated. "You don't sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"I am a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why all the clocks and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would you put in your window?"

Moishe got hired at a new job. In an afternoon of the second week, he entered his boss's office, and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world." Obviously, the boss didn't believe him, and answered, "Everybody in the whole world?"
But Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, the boss said, "I bet you don't know Madonna."
Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are friends."

The boss decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought two tickets to Hollywood, and they went to Madonna's house. They knocked at the door, and Madonna personally came to see them. She opened her eyes and arms, and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon.

When they had left, the boss wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about the President?"
"Bill!" said Moishe. "Of course. We were schoolchums together. We always talk by phone." The boss almost lost his the head, and decided that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington, and as soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see a press conference where Clinton was making a speech. At the end, when the president happened to take a look in Moishe's direction, Moishe shouted, "Bill! Bill!" and Clinton, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's have a talk." They have stayed together about half an hour.

The boss was a little bit bewildered and couldn't believe it. But his mind didn't stop working: The chances of a coincidence were one in a billion, at most. But the chances that Moishe knew everybody in the world were smaller.

He decided to use the final test: The Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. To his surprise, Moishe said he knew the Pope since he lived in Poland. They went to the Vatican. When they were there, in the middle of a crowd of thousends of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there, looking for the boss, and he saw the exact moment when the boss fainted. The Pope blessed him, he kissed the Pope's staff, and ran to the boss.

When the boss woke up, Moishe, concerned, asked what had happened. The boss, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and finnally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Clinton. Even the Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the middle of the crowd, a random person asked me who is this guy dressed all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother:
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible--Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother:
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS.

Moishe and Jacob were completely drunk. They were walking by the sea, and Jacob, looking at the sky, asked, "What's that, a moon or a sun?"
Jacob said, "I don't know, I don't live here."

On a windy day in New York City a Hasidic Rabbi's fur hat flew off and was rescued by a man who returned it to the Rabbi. "Thank you, thank you--" said the Rabbi, "--are you Jewish?" "No," said the man. "Well," said the Rabbi, "I can't bless you, but I see an afternoon of great wealth for you."

The man thinks, "What can it be? I know--I can make the last four races at the horse track." He goes and looks at the program and sees a horse named Top Hat in the next race. An omen, he thinks, and bets $100 and wins. The next race has a horse named Stetson--again he bets it all and wins. The next race features a horse named Beret, and he naturally wins again. He bets it all on the next race and loses everything.

He goes home and tells his wife the story. "What horse did you bet on in the last race?" she asks.
He says, "Chateau--French for hat."
"Idiot," she says, "chapeau is French for hat--by the way, who won the race?"
"I don't know," he says, "some Japanese horse called Yomika!"

A ship sank, and to a desert island came Jacob, Sharon Stone, one male gorilla and four bottles of champagne. As soon as they all had realized what happened, the gorilla cried out that it wanted Sharon Stone as its mate. Jacob was desperate. He drank a bottle of champagne and placed a message inside that said, "Send me Demi Moore." He threw the bottle into the sea to see if someone would receive it. Time passed, and no reply came. So he drank the second bottle and sent a message asking for a revolver. Nothing. He drank the third bottle and placed in it a message asking for a female gorilla. Nothing. In deseperation, he drank the fourth and final bottle and sent the following message: "Send me a videocamera!"

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.)

Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his schul to pray, to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked.
"Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!"

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her. Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"

A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon in the Catskills went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.

On their 20th anniversary, the same couple went back to the Catskills and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"

With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table.

The couple were amazed and the husband said to the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here...with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use valnuts. But of course, 20 years is 20 years and The Amazing Benny is not vhat he used to be...his eyes aren't so good now!"

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and responded, "Well, I am the father for many." The Jewish man quickly answered "I, too, am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest, who was beginning to get exasperated, thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people!" The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your PANTS backwards, too."

Little Moishe comes running to Mummy after kindergarten: "Mummy, Mummy, I have a part in the play at kindergarten!" He is very excited about it. "What is the part, Moishele?" asks mummy.
"I am playing abba." Mummy thinks long and hard. "Moishe, I want you to go back to your teacher, and tell her you want a SPEAKING PART."

The doctor broke the news to his patient, Feldman (a condominium tycoon), that he needed an operation. The doctor asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?" Feldman shook his head. "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."

Saddam called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful, and on top of every building there was a flag."
Clinton said, "Sadam, what was on the flag?"
Saddam said," Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah."
Clinton said, "You know Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I also had a dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was a flag."
Saddam said, "Bill, what was on the flag?"
Clinton replied, "I don't really know....I can't read HEBREW!"

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.

Moishe and Sara were very old. Sara couldn't even go out alone, so Moishe was always with her. One day she had to go to the gynecologist. During the session, the docter asked her if she had orgasms regularly. She shouted to Moishe in the other room, "Moishe, do we have orgasms?"
He shouted back, "No, we have Blue Cross!"

Rabbi Friedman, quite Orthodox, did a double-take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the waitress was setting before him. As the rabbi watched in horror the main dish, jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon, was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the president ate his way through his dinner. As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him saying: "You, you of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you eat such traife?"

The president replied, "You saw me eat the soup? And the shrimp?" "Yes" and "Yes" came the replies. "Then there is no problem....I ate my food under rabbinical supervision!"

Cohen was at his country club and went to the manager to ask if he could find him a ride to town as his car was in the shop. "Sure," said the manager, "here comes Mr. Goldberg. I'll ask him." Mr. Goldberg says, "Sure, Cohen, hop in my Rolls Royce."

They're driving along, and Cohen says, "Excuse me, Goldberg, but what's that thing on the dashboard going tick-tick-tick?"
"Cohen," he says, "that's the digital clock."
A little while later Cohen says, "Goldberg--excuse me but, what's that on the dashboard going up and down?"
"That's the tachometer," says Goldberg.
A while later Cohen says, "Excuse me, Goldberg, but what's--"
"Wait," says Goldberg, "you've never been in a Rolls Royce before, Cohen?"
"Never in the front seat!" says Cohen!

The Satmar Rebbe has died. He goes straight up to Gan Eden, where he finds a large table surrounded by a great number of long-bearded men studying Gemara, shokeling the whole time. On the table is an enormous smorgasbord of delicacies: kishke, shlishke, kugel, roast chicken, gefilte fish, and many others. As the men learn, they take food off the table and eat it. One man approaches the Rebbe:
"Rebbe, at last you have joined us! All day, we study, and while we study, we have a great banquet. Please join us. Would you like something to eat?"
The rabbi looks at the man and asks him, sternly, "Who's the mashgioch (the one who makes sure the meal is kosher)?"
The man looks at the Rebbe incredulously, and replies, almost with a laugh, "This is Gan Eden! HaKodoysh Bareech Hee is the mashgioch!"
The Rebbe strokes his long, white beard for half an hour and shokels, pondering the matter. All his students look at him eagerly, waiting to hear what the Rebbe will say. Finally, the Rebbe speaks:
"I'll have the fruit," he says, "on a paper plate."

There was a Jew who unfortunatelly lost both of his legs. He was waking up from his anesthetized state. He didn't know nothing about his condition yet, and he found that beside him was his best friend, who was tring to tell him his misfortune with the most careful way:
"Look Shloime my old friend, I have two pieces of news for you. One is a very bad one, but the other is quite good!"
"Tell me first the bad one!" answered Shloime.
"You lost both of your legs!"
"Oh! No! Oh my God! No! NOOOOO!" cries Shloime. "And you tell me there is still some good news after this one?"
"Oh yes! I sold all of your shoes for a fine sum!"

A distraught young couple, as yet unmarried, sought advice from their rabbi.
"Rabbi, it's terrible," said the man. "We're not getting married for three months, but every day we feel the overwhelming desire to have sex. How can we stay within the laws of Judaism?"
"Orange juice," the rabbi answered.
"Orange juice?" asked the woman. "What do you mean? Before, after?"
"INSTEAD!"

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Moishele and Chanele originated from Poland and didn't get on with their neighbors, the Rosenzweigs from Germany, too well. Shortly before Yom Kippur, Chanele comes home: "Moishele, I saw the Rosenzweigs shopping and I think they eat on Yom Kippur!" Says Moishele, "I can't believe it, but comes Yom Kippur lunchtime, we'll call on them and see."

So, on Yom Kippur Moishele and Chanele visit the Rosenzweigs and sure enough, Mr. Rosenzweig sits at the dining room table, his napkin tugged in at his shirt collar, and he's eating a hefty lunch.
Moishele: "Mr. Rosenzweig, how can you do such a thing?"
Rosenzweig: "Look Moishele, I didn't lie, I didn't cheat, I didn't go with a shikse all year long. So why should I have to fast?"
Moishele is speechless for a moment and then says to his wife: "Chanele, look! This is a real yekke! He does not lie, he does not cheat, he does not go with a shikse all year long--just so he can eat on Yom Kippur!"

A couple preparing for conversion meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately." "So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi. "Could lead to dancing!"

A priest, rabbi and minister met every Wednesday afternoon to play a round of golf. They truly enjoyed the time they were able to steal away from their obligations to their congregations.

One particular Wednesday, the pro manager greeted them as usual, and sent them on to the first tee. Well, the group ahead of our threesome was annoyingly slow. They would hit the balls into the rough on the right, then they'd hit the balls into the rough on the left. This tiresome pattern continued throughout the entire 18 holes prolonging the length of the outing. The clergy were getting very upset since they only had a certain amount of time to spend on the golf course before they had to return to their respective places of worship.

Finally, the clergymen finish their round and when they arrive in the clubhouse, the pro manager asks them how their game was. All three of them tore into the pro manager telling him how frustrating and unpleasant the afternoon was because of the group ahead of them. The pro manager apologizes and says "Gentlemen, I'm sorry. I should have told you, that was a group of blind golfers. They were playing with sonar balls so they had to try to listen where the balls landed in order to find them."

Well, the priest immediately crosses himself, bows his head, and says, "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, please forgive me for speaking ill of one of your flock. I am ashamed at my sinning." He continues with Hail Marys and Our Fathers.

The minister looks up to the heavens and says, "Our dear Lord, I am so sorry to have been so unkind and thoughtless about your children. Especially such specially challenged children as these. Please forgive my rush to judgment."

The rabbi says, "Forget it--let them play at night!"

A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.
"How old are you?", asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eightly-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!"

The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, "Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards the old man: "Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one."

A communist, fascist and a Jew are stranded on a desert island. They find a bottle, shake it and sure enough a genie appears. He has only three wishes to grant so he says they can each make one wish.

The communist says, "I wish you would get rid of all the fascists in the world." The genie replies, "Okay, consider it done." The fascist says, "I wish you would remove all the communists from this world." The genie agrees to this wish also.

The Jew thinks for a minute then says, "So let me get this straight, there will be no more communists or fascists? I'll have a diet Coke!"

How do we know that Jesus was a Jew?
He lived at home until he was 30.
He went into his father's business.
His mother thought he was a god.

During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you o Lord, I am nothing."
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you o Lord, I am nothing."
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it's a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the isle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you o Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser. The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?" The second one responds "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook, he always takes her out. She never has to clean, he got her a maid. She never has to work, he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

The first lady asks, "How is your son these days?" The second woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a maid, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet. He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

In the 1930s a gentile taps Moishele on his shoulder and says: "Jewboy, what's the time?" Moishe takes his wristwatch off his arm and presents it to the gentile with the reverse side up.
The gentile: "You stupid Jew, how should I be able to read the time this way?"
Moishe: "Well, I thought if you were able to see through my pants that I'm Jewish, you would also be able to read the watch from the reverse side."

From New Delhi to Bombay came a very dirty train. The train had many animals in the corredors, and many people eating and making more garbage. In one cabin, there were a Chinese man and a Jew sitting one in front of the other. Suddenly a fly alit on the Chinese man's head, and using his kung fu, he hypnotized the fly only with his eyes. Then he took the fly, opened his mouth, looked at the Jew, and ate it.

Five minutes later came another fly, and the Chinese did the same thing. The next fly landed, this time on the Jew's head. He did the same thing; with his eyes he hypnotized the fly, took it, opened his mouth, looked at the Chinese man, and asked, "Do you want to buy it?"

A mohel had been busy all his life collecting all the little snipets he cut off at each Brit Hamilah. By the time he retired, he had a huge plastic bag full of these cut-offs. What to do with it? Someone referred him to a tradesman down the street and he took his huge bag there, asking if this could be turned into something. "Sure," said the tradesman, "just leave it here and come back in four weeks' time."

When the mohel came back, the tradesman presented him with a tiny little wallet. The mohel could hardly hide his disappointment and said, "I brought you such an enormous bag full of snippets, and you make but the tiniest of wallets out of it?" Replies the tradesman: "Just wait till you stroke it a bit, and it turns into a huge suitcase!"

A man has been in business for many, many years, and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says, "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while, and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible, and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later, the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat, and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies, "Chapter 11."

The temple board president, a very pious Jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity. He is so beside himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows.

He says, "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brought him to temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"

The Rebbe says "Funny thing, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, cannot figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues, "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still."

The Rebbe and the Board President make their way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d. They begin: "Oh, Adonai, where have we gone wrong, our only sons have shunned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"

A big booming voice is heard from above to say, "FUNNY THING!"

A young student prided himself on his ability to confuse the wisest of scholars. Once, when he was surrounded by his friends, he sought to prove his self-asserted cleverness; he asked the town sage, "What was the first thing Eve did when Adam came home late one night?"
"She counted his ribs," said the sage promptly.

The waitress approaches the Jewish women and says, "Was anything O.K.?"

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.

The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!

"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."

There was a Jewish ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly. The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work."

So this ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign. An hour later a woman knocks on the door: "I want to talk to my deceased husband--how much will it cost?"
The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50; if he talks to you, $100; and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."

Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt.

The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes.

To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I'll leave a few toys."

With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops!

He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you later.
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder."

More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

A Rabbi, a chazzan, and a shul president were together in a car when four large criminals hijacked them. After asking the Rabbi, chazzan, and president to hand over all of their money (the response being that they hadn't any), the hijackers told the threesome that, immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.

"My first wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied.

"My first wish," begged the chazzan, "is to sing a beautiful, ornamented Hinneni in the Ahavah Rabbah mode, a composition of my own lasting around two and a half hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.

"What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president.
"SHOOT ME NOW!"

Friends of these three friends grieved when they heard about their friends' deaths. One year after the deaths, on the day after the Jahrzeit, they decided to go on a Pacific luxury cruise, for they had had no enjoyment during the past year. Alack and alas, in the middle of the Pacific ocean, the boat cracked in two, and our friends, along with nearly everyone else on the ship, died. Only three people--an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker--managed to get onto a lifeboat, in which they floated around the Pacific for two days. After that amount of time had passed, they ended up on an island. They got out of the lifeboat, and walked around a little area of the island.

Fairly soon thereafter, cannibals came down from the hills, grabbed our three friends, and put them in chains. They dragged them to their chief, who told the frightened prisoners, "We are cannibals, so we will kill you, and we'll eat your flesh, and out of the remaining parts, we'll make outboard canoes. However, though I am a cannibal, I am a humanitarian; thus, I'll let you choose your manner of death."

Said the Englishman, "Give me a pistol." When the cannibal king's servant brought the pistol to him, he pointed it to his forehead, shouted, "Long live the Queen!" then pulled the trigger. He slumped to the ground and died.

The Frenchman requested a sword. When given one, he shoved it through his belly, shouting as he did so, "Vive la France!" He too, fell to the ground and died.

"I'd like a fork," said the New Yorker. This confused the cannibal king, but he honored his promise to let the men choose the way they would die, so he commanded a servant to give the man a fork. As soon as the servant presented the sword, the New Yorker grabbed it. With this fork, he poked holes into every part of his body. (As we would say in Hebrew, asah gufo ki-kvarah , literally, he made his body like a sieve.) After half an hour of making holes, he shouted, "THERE, as*hole, try to make a f*cking canoe out of THAT!" then he breathed his last, slumped to the floor, and expired.

A town in Poland had only one cow, and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream, and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "So, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly 15 minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.

If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.

One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.

Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry- cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners. They tell him to come back in a week. When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $25.00.
"Twenty-five dolars?!", Menachem reads, astonished.
""No, no, no! replies the dry-cleaner. "One dollar to clean the tallit, twenty-four dollars to take out all those knots!"

A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 100 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran from memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew. "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of Manhattan. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-d! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday...."

The Cohens won millions in the lottery and bought a mansion with a pool, tennis courts--the whole works. They only lacked a true British butler, which they decided to import from England. He was great. They left one morning telling the butler to set the table for four as the Goldbergs were coming over. They returned to find the table set for eight. "Why?" they asked the butler. "Oh," he said, "the Goldbergs called and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."

Moishe the Russian emigrated to Israel in 1967. The "Meches" inspector at the airport inspected his items for taxes when he discovered five sets of dishes. "What is this?" asked the clerk.

"Well," said Moishe, "one set is for meat and one set is for milk." Seeing the yalmukah on his head, the clerk asked about the other sets. "As you can see I'm orthodox, so I keep a third set for Pesach meat, and the fourth set is for Pesach milk," answered Moishe. "And the fifth?" asked the inspector. "Once in while," answered Moishe, "I like a little trafe."

There is a little old grandmother walking along the beach with her grandson. Suddenly, a big wave rushes over the two of them and when it backs away, the grandmother is left alone on the beach without the little boy. In desperation, she begins to pray to G-d, chanting prayers and crying over and over.... "Please G-d, if you return my grandson to me, I will pray to you and follow your teachings for the rest of my life...please bring my grandson back to me."

Shortly after, another wave washes over the beach as before and when the grandmother revives herself, she sees her grandson lying just ahead of her. With tears of joy, she blesses the child and G-d over and over as she closely examines the boy.

Suddenly, she looks up to the sky and says, "He had a hat...."

Moishe the tailor (a different Moishe this time) was busy at his shop one day when in walked Jesus. Jesus said he needed to be fitted for a new robe. Moishe measures Jesus and asks, "Well Jesus, I suppose you want the same type robe I've made for you before?" Jesus replies, "Yes, that will be fine, Moishe." Then Moishe asks, "And Jesus, I suppose you won't be paying me either, same as before?" Jesus replies, "Moishe, I pay you in blessings and friendship."

Moishe thinks about this for a moment, then realizing Jesus has all the friends and a pretty big following, he says, "I have an idea, Jesus--forget about paying me for the robe. Just wear it in your travels, and when anyone comments on it, give them one of my cards and send them to me when they need a robe. We can be partners!" Jesus relies, "Well that will be fine, Moishe. I am happy to be your partner. We can call your little shop MOISHE AND JESUS."

Moishe is very pleased at this suggestion, but after thinking about the name for a few minutes, he feels a little uneasy about the "Moishe and Jesus" thing. I mean, after all, how can he put his name before Jesus? Suddenly he gets a great inspiration and says excitedly, "I don't feel very comfortable with that name for the shop, Jesus, but I think I just thought of an even better name. How about this one? We'll put up a big sign over the door, and we'll call it LORD & TAYLOR."

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day, wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot...."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" the parrot answered.

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot--in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashana, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that shul was not place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi and cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed--Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his shul buddies and the Rabbi over $4,000. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over $4,000. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Billy Graham went to see the pope in Rome. As he was waiting in the anteroom, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to His Holiness, he asked, "What's the red phone for?" "That's to talk to God," came the reply. "Really!" Reverend Graham gasped. "How much is that call?" "Well, it's $20,000 a minute, but well worth it!" answered the pope.

A while later, Mr. Graham went to see the chief rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," inquired a startled Billy Graham, "that this phone is to talk to God?" "Yes, it is!" came the reply. "And how much does that cost?" Graham inquired. "Why, it's twenty cents a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi. "How come so cheap?" Billy wondered. "The pope has a phone like that and it costs $20,000 a minute!" "Well," grinned the chief rabbi, "From here it's a LOCAL call!"

An elderly Jewish couple are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. Unluckily, this island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

The husband turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we turn off the stove?" Esther replies, "Of course." "Esther, are our life insurance policies paid up?" "Of course." "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oh my G-d, I forgot to send the check!" "Thank Heaven!" shouts the husband. "They'll find us for sure!!!"

G-d, having decided to destroy the word, revealed His intention to three world leaders: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bibi Netanyahu.

Boris Yeltsin, in an address to the Russian people, said: "I have bad news, and more bad news. First of all, in contrast to what we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. Secondly, He intends to destroy the world."

At the same time, in an address to the American people, Bill Clinton said: "There's good news and bad news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. The bad news is that He intends to destroy the world."

At the same time, in an address to the Israeli people, Bibi Netanyahu said: "There's good news and more good news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me and spoke to me. Furthermore, based on what He said to me, I can assure you that a Palestinian state will not be established."

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.

Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced. "They have EIGHT guys rowing and only ONE guy shouting."

The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer.

A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from anyone.

A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost THREE engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mid-East OTHER than Israel." Still no answer from anyone.

Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help." "God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, "What should we do?" Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitkadash ...."

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

 Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.