Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Brother - Can You Spare A Dime?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
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Chanukah Gelt
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite
downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy
presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking
of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in
front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars,
leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced.
"The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take
it away from us!"
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The Good Book Says
Rabbi Tarfon of Bet She'an said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel
of Tiverya: It is said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben
Yechezkel of Tiverya designed a web site for the mother of his
father, Sarah the
daughter of Pinchas, who begot Yechezkel, who begot Rabbi
Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel
of Tiverya performed the mitzvah of web site design.
Rabbi Michael ben Elkanah, who only had one eye, said: But is it not also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher?
Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: It is true, but as it is written: "A web browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP protocol."
Rabbi Eliezer asked: Why does it specifically mention that
the web browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is
written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol?
Because the gopher
protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support
of legacy systems.
One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu
of Hevron and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web
site of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron. Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron
refused the man, but instead gave him a personal web server for
his own use. At this point Rabbi Yehudah ben Yerachmiel asked
Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron: Why did you refuse this man's request,
but instead give him a personal web server for his own use? Rabbi
Shmaryahu of Hevron replied: It [the Mishnah] teaches: "When
a poor man comes into your home and asks for disk space on your
web site, first ascertain whether he is going to use it for his
own purpose or for the purpose of idol worship. If he
is going to use it for his own purpose, grant him the
space he asks, unless it exceeds twenty ephraot [one ephrah ~ 213
kilobytes], in which case you may refer him to a local Internet
service provider, for as it is written: It is not upon you to
complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from
it. If he is going to use it for the purpose of idol worship,
then do not give him the space, but instead rebuke him, that he
might see the error of his ways and refrain from idol worship."
Rabbi Gideon of Sh'chem disagreed, saying: It [the Mishnah]
also teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP
server, you must grant it without asking why he is going to use
it." Why would the
Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP
server? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: Rabbi Eliezer said:
Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also
use the gopher
protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may
use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially
meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems.
Similarly, the FTP protocol is especially meritorious. Therefore,
it is unfair to deny a poor man access to FTP, whereas it is
sometimes permitted to refrain from giving a poor man access to
HTTP, because without HTTP he can
still serve files using FTP, but without FTP he will be
unable to put his files on the server, since the means for saving
files over HTTP are unreliable.
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Oy Yoy Yoy
Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"
To which the first bubbe replies: "I thought we
agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"
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Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a
construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers
stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I
had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
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What's In A Name?
A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he
tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her
family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl's name is
Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name,
and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So
time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name
is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice
Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the
young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he
has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg.
"Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me
very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good
established family" Then he asks what her first name is.
"Is it one of my favorite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?"
"No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"
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Ouch!
Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?
A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of
the Jews.
All In A Day's Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their
children. The first one says, " You know my son, he
graduated fist in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor
making $250,000 a year in Chicago"
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated
first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a
million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The
last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is
school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1
million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman"
The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?"
The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games,
baseball games,...."
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Jewish Origin of
High Tech
Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the
Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition
Q What is the large print copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition
Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash
called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash
Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses.
Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish
Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinai with the
computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.
Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of remembrance?
A. To recall the original ram memory.
Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.
Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have
been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...
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Its About Time...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a
German Jew?
A: Children who are EXACTLY ten minutes late!
Tickets, Anyone?
Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage.
This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are
retiring on this one.
Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."
Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so
insensitive.
But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the
funeral."
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From The Great
Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go
with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's
a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the
other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my
mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars
you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next
seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the
colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person
on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over
a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called.
"Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton
Pitzel's zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa?
Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your
Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbe together, we
laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each
question did his zayde answer, until "
So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just
one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to
speak English?"
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Truer Words Were
Never spoken
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had
won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother
asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul
responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which
the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher
and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"
My Son The...
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.
"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkah, things couldn't be better! My
son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money. My
daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have
given me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches...but enough
about my joys...so what's by you and your family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such tsores!"
"Nu Rivkah, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of
tsores?"
"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's a
faygeleh."
"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going
to be a doctor!"
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Tashlich - Its
Never Too Late To Repent...
For ordinary sins, use - White Bread
For exotic sins - French or Italian Bread
For dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi-grain
For truly warped sins - Pretzels
For sins of indecision - Waffles
For sins committed in haste - Matza
For substance abuse - Poppy Seed
For committing arson - Toast
For being ill-tempered - Sourdough
For silliness - Nut Bread
For not giving full value - Short Bread
For political chauvinism - Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony - Rye Bread
For continueal bad jokes - Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts - Jelly doughnuts
For speed limit violations - Russian Bread
For bad temper - Crusty Bread
For having a hole where your heart should be - Bagels
For flaunting wealth in the form of fancy cars - Rolls
For acting like a mad person - Crackers
For cutting remarks - Sliced Bread
For fraudulent behavior - Rice cakes
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Yiddish Proverbs
/ Folk-Sayings
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what
may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no
notice;
should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you
sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up
late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in
bed until noon.
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
My Bubbes Talmud
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one
leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and
never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a
mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddush.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice
cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be
eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you
can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good
parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it
makes you feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and
eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
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Jewish
Couple Won the Lottery
This Jewish couple won 20 mil on the lottery. They immediately
went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a
luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then
decided to hire a butler and they went to London, England. They
found the perfect butler and brought him back to the U.S. on the
next day, they instructed the butler to set up the Dining room
table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over for
Dinner, and they will be going out for the day. When the couple
returned that evening they found the table set for eight.
They asked the butler why eight when they specifically
instructed him to set
The table for four? The butler replied: " the Cohen's
called and said that
They were bringing the bagels and the biallys."
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