Home, Sweet Home Good News & Bad News
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Its Never Too Late
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped
going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so
many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He
found him in
excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all
these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell
you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I
expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have
forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
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Business Partners
Cohen & Levy are both in the antique business across the
street from each other, and have been for years. Cohen hates Levy
- he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an ignorant bum,
and says so
publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for
a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the
street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets
it back
to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie
pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have
released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern,
I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power,
fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it
is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million
dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask
for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I
want."
"What's that?"
"I wish I were half dead."
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What's For Dinner?
The main course at the big civic dinner was
baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully
shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly
playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours
and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen
replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
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Son-In-Law
Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me
Sol my boy what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are
going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it
says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?"
asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it
says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously
asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I
only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."
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Home, Sweet Home
A good, old American Jew felt the death is
close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die
there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought
him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to
come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and
better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of
life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me
quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and
asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the
Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to
die it's OK but to live here....!?"
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To Err Is Human
So the Synagogue got really fed up with its
Rabbi. The Executive Committee met and one-too-reluctantly,
concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was - who'd
want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been fired?
So the Executive Committee decided to give
him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the
Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The
recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi
succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly-mobile
Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with
three junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the
Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections.
The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the
President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this
man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you
possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself,
when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when
his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of
everything
else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
"Simple," answered his colleague.
"Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like
Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is
nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!)"
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Good News And Bad News
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto.
Things were terrible: Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The
rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers
even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give
up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke
from above:
"You, Moses, heed me ! I have
good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:
"You, Moses, will lead the People of
Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I
will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"
"You, Moses, will lead the People of
Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will
smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of
Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues
you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to
the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's....
that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's
the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the
Environmental Impact Statement."
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A Penny Saved
Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat
rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me"
he says, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the
way home".
"Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a
taxi and saved $20"
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Teed Off
O'reilly and Robinson are playing golf one day. Neither of
them are that good, but while playing, in the distance they see a
Hassid playing and extraordinary game of golf. O'reilly turns to
Robinson and says: Robinson, would you look at that guy dressed
in black... boy how I would like to play golf like him.
The next day, O'reilly and Robinson play again and see the Hassid, again, playing a tremendous game of golf. O'reilly again turns to Robinson and says: "I can't stand this, I really have to find out how that guy dressed in black knows how to play golf so well." "So why don't you ask him," Robinson says. "I will," says O'reilly.
O'reilly runs over to the Hassid and says: "Hey, tell
me something, how come you play golf so well? I have never ever
seen anyone play golf that way, I would give anything to be able
to play golf like
that." The Hassid answers: It's not so easy my son, you
have to work very hard, study many years in a special Yeshiva in
Flatbush, pass all your oral exams, become a Jew, then become a
learned Rabbi, and
only then will you master the game of golf.
"Anything it takes," O'reilly insists. He
anxiously takes the instructions to the Yeshiva, thanks the
Hassid and leaves the golf course.
After years of studying, then converting, and becoming a
learned Rabbi, O'reilly anxiously returns to the golf course
hoping to master the game of golf. He starts his game but doesn't
seem to have improved. Actually, he has gotten worse! In the mean
time, he sees the same Hassid in the distance playing a perfect
game.
Mad as hell, he runs over to the Hassid and tells him that he has been studying for years, but that his golf game has not improved, and actually, has gotten worse. The Hassid scratches his head, paces around for a while, and finally says: "Are you sure you studied all the laws and halachas of Judaism at the Shomer Torah Yeshiva that I sent you to in Flatbush?" No, O'reilly exclaimed, "I studied all the laws and halachas of Judaism at the Shomrei Emuna Yeshiva that you sent me to in Flatbush."
"No wonder your golf game hasn't improved," the
Hassid signed, "I sent you to the tennis Yeshiva by accident.
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Backwards
An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next
to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange
kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked
the man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on
backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely
answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The Jewish man thought a second and
responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar
front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The
priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father
for many". The Jewish man
quickly answered " I to am the father of many. I have
four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count.
But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it
your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated
thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for
hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken
aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the
subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister,
maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
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Got any Cash?
A Lebanese Arab emigrated to America sixty years ago and
accumulated great wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will
stipulated that his hundred million dollar bequest was to be
divided equally among his
three closest friends: a Catholic, A Protestant and a Jew.
There was only one small provision: each of the heirs was
required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars in the coffin
before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according to the
deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the
will was in probate.
As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the
Catholic quickly deposited his hundred thousand dollars into the
casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed his hundred
thousand dollars
besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew reached into the
coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash and
replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars.
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Local Call
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in
Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table
in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is
connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion
with him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very
much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone
charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast
and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the
phone and says:
"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A
few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.
In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his
and learns it also
is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has
an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he
can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the
Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the
phone charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1
Shekel 50"
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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