English is Funny

Contents

Eye Halve a Spelling Checker
Oxymorons
Puns
English is a Funny Language
My Resume - Fun with idioms

UPDATED: Jan 23, 2007- 0230

Eye Halve a Spelling Checker

Don't rely on Spellcheck! This poem will pass with no mistakes! Great fun with homophones! 

 

Eye halve a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when I rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour
spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flair,
Their are no fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a ware.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting too pleas.

-- Sauce Unknown

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Oxymorons

"Oxymorons" are real, two-word combinations that should really make no sense because the words have opposite meanings!


34. Small crowd
33. Genuine imitation
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Advanced BASIC (BASIC is a computer programming language)
29. Friendly Weapons
28. Good grief
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Same difference
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Almost exactly
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force 
17. Act naturally
16. Sanitary landfill
15. Alone together
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Found missing
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks (slacks = trousers, also "loose")
9.  Living dead
8.  Pretty ugly
7.  Twelve-ounce pound cake
6.  Silent scream
5.  Resident alien
4.  Working vacation
3.  Exact estimate
2.  Religious tolerance
1.  Definite maybe

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Funny and Punny

Puns rely on the humorous use of a word (or phrase) so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications (homonyms), or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning (homphones); a play on words. Some say that "puns" are the lowest form of humor. What do you think?

HOMOPHONES
  • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  • When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  • A backwards poet writes in verse.
HOMONYMS PLAY ON WORDS
  • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
  • In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
  • A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  • A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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English is a Funny Language

Can you explain why.....

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
  • quicksand can work slowly,
  • boxing rings are square,
  • a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
  • There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
  • English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.

  • Why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
  • If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  • How is it that
    • people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
    • ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
    • park on driveways and drive on parkways?
    • noses run and feet smell?
    • sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
  • If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
  • One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
  • Is cheese the plural of choose?
  • One index, two indices? Where does that come from?
  • How can
    • the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
    • when a house burns up, it burns down.
    • You fill in a form by filling it out,
    • an alarm clock goes off by going on.
    • When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
    • 'slim chance and a fat chance' are the same, while ' wise man and a wise guy' are opposites?
    • And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

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