| Tust is always violated and never justified. Seems as if everyone lets me down. Ever since I was a child my trust was violated. Either the parents would promise something and they didn't pull through which isn't as bad as the times when they denied doing or saying something or blamed something they did on me or my brother. Upon entering grade school there were students who violated my basic trust in humanity to treat me respectfully and some teachers who joined in. You can blame my peers' behavior on childhood ignorance and, let's be honest, what should a fat kid with glasses and a speech impediment expect? But how do you explain a teacher who would put paper clips in my hair? Would limit me to two kleenex's a day during sinus season? Gave me an F on a getting "To Know You Sheet" and call me stupid? I learned then to keep the world at arms distance. To adapt and not get hurt. Any book was better than being taunted during play ground games. Any amount of studing was better than being riduculed by a teacher or even being noticed in class. By the time eigth grade hit i had a tight group of 3 friends. We had good times together. Fairly solid. Then i was sent off. I wasn't even really sad. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind i knew it would happen, that I'd be seperated from them. From there I was welcomed to live with countless strangers. To change in front of numerous roommates and to strip whenever a sniveling nosed staff member demanded. I lost the trust that clothes would always be there. That they would always provide a barrier between me and the outside world. No word of warning was needed for a staff member to take off my pants and give me a shot or loosen my pants before I went on the board. They had to remove my bra themselves so i wouldn't hurt myself. It just happened. You got use to it. Desensitized to the nakedness and the cold air. But it was all for my own safety right? Who enjoys a naked 13/14 year old with C cup breasts? Besides what can a patient on that much medication remember anyway? Who'd believe her anyway? No one. I lost most of my trust in those walls. Kids will jack your socks and fight you when you ask them about it. You get yelled at for being emphathetic. No one believes you when you tell them what the real problem is. Now onto highschool... I did have a few aquaintences my first year. They increased expontielly over my career at hchs. None of them were really tight friends though. Granted I did think of some of them a little more highly then others, i figured after of june 2000 i would never see them again. Therefore i invested little besides listening time. If it wasn't for Chelsea, my activities director, i probably would have never left my house. And now i'm in college. Twice this week i've been yelled at for being secretive. Well, I'm scared you'll tell my secrets or you'll laugh or you just don't want to know. Above all, I don't think i know how to anymore. |
| TRUST |